How do you try to comfort someone who thinks that they have no friends?

[coloradodem2005]

A girl that I have been instant messaging has been talking to me about how she is all alone and has 0 friends. I tell her that I find it very hard to believe because she seems like a very nice girl and that she must have some friends in her life. She says that she is totally alone. She says that her old friends are too busy for her and she says that people have used her at times. She also says that she is fat and ugly. I feel so bad for her. I keep wondering what I can do to help her.

[Chovexani]

1. If you find out let me know

I have similar self-esteem issues.

[soothsayer]

2. As an underdog-saver, I've learned that alot of times people who have

no friends are often unlikeable...!

You probably can't do anything to help her, but it's awfully nice that you'd like to. But...don't feel bad if you can't fix her. It's something she will have to do herself.

[coloradodem2005]

3. I agree with you that that is usually the case.

But she seems really sweet. I get the impression that she has been used alot. When I talk to her, she seems very friendly and very nice. Kind. In a lot of cases, what you say is true, but I am not sure it is true this time.

[LiberalEsto]

4. I go through bouts of feeling like that

and so do many other people.

With me, the cause is clinical depression. It comes and goes.

I'd recommend this girl go to a doctor for a complete checkup and mention her feelings of loneliness and depression. There could be a physical cause that can easily be treated.


If possible, suggest she start keeping a journal about her feelings, and perhaps make lists of her positive qualities. I've been there and done that, and it does help.

And finally, see if there's some small way she can help others. I have been feeling extremely low in recent weeks, after losing my job. My minister asked me to help someone with far worse problems -- all I did was help her organize her important papers and find veterinary treatment for her cat -- and it made my own issues fade into the background. I felt needed and useful, and made friends with another woman who was also helping this person.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. Does she live far away?

Maybe you could help show her how to be a friend. That's the first step toward making friends...

Some other things she might do:
Volunteer for a cause that's important to her
Join a hiking or biking club
Treat herself to a day at a spa...new hairstyle, massage, etc...
Go on a spiritual retreat
Hang out at the local independent bookseller

Most importantly, she needs to take some time to hang out with herself, doing something she enjoys. After all, if you can't be a friend to yourself, who can you be a friend to?

[Obamarama]

6. Wow...its' great to see you posting this, coloradodem2004......

I remember you being in a serious funk a while ago and posting about it online. Sounds like you have moved out of it and are now trying to help someone else deal with theirs. How cool is that? Looks like things are looking brighter for you - GREAT!

[Nikia]

7. Sometime circumstance can cause that

When some people talk about friends, they mean people who they are close to and can count on, not just aquaintances. It sounds like she did have some people who she believed to be her friends. Some of them are more distance because they have other things going on in their lives which do not include her. Other people, who she thought were her friends, turned out to be users. She might really be left with no one who she feels that she can count on to be there for her and talk about anything with. That can be tough.
She might want to try to get closer to aquaintances or reconnect with some people that perhaps she distanced herself from or drifted away from. If she did get burned in the above ways though a few times within a short period of time, it can be tough to trust people enough to put them in that category. Another possibility is that she could confront her busy friends. Perhaps they don't realize that they are shutting her out of their lives or feel bad about it but don't know how to reconnect.
What are her circumstances? Is she going through transitions right now: graduation, new job, moved, ended a relationship?
If the only thing that has changed is her relatioship with a few friends, she could always think about joining a new activity or club to meet people who share common interests too.

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

8. To pick up on what everyone else said,

this is all good advice and I wanted to add that sometimes it's an issue of age, maturation and transition. When I was younger I went through periods where I felt friendless, but it was a matter of figuring out how to be a friend and also how to deal with negative people. Some acquaintances and a friend or two, I ended up dropping and not regretting it, but it felt lonely at the time. You learn that some people are too poisonous and others you can work with and compromise with as you mature.