Bush Thwarted Vietnamese Secret Plan To Invade Texas

[Cyrano]

The Pentagon has released classified documents showing that Vietnam had a top secret plan to invade Texas in 1970. The plan was to be carried out at the suggestion of "Hanoi Jane" Fonda and other long-haired, un-American hippie type traitors, one of whom supposedly won some medals on a swift boat and then came home to throw the medals away and spit on his country.

According to Pentagon documents, one hundred thousand Vietcong were to be dispatched in rubber rafts, paddle across the Pacific, around the tip of South America, up the Atlantic to the Gulf of Mexico and land on the Texas coast. (They were counting on the surprise factor.)

A Pentagon spokesman confirmed that a few days before the plan was to be implemented, Vietnamese intelligence learned that a son of Congressman George H. W. Bush had become a member of the Texas air National Guard. Their background information showed that he was a Yale graduate who had fought tenaciously to earn himself a coveted spot as a pilot in the guard. They reasoned that he could have gone on to MIT or Oxford to avoid the draft, and that there had to be a reason he opted to take to the air for the defense of Texas.

While some specifics of the Pentagon report are sketchy, unnamed White House sources indicated that the Vietnamese called off the invasion due to Bush's presence in the guard. The enemy feared that such a decisive, intelligent, courageous man would tumble to their plan. And while he might not be believed by his commanders, he was capable of taking matters into his own hands. They were afraid that he would single-handedly arm his aircraft, take off, attack their fleet, and bomb and strafe it into oblivion. As a result, the invasion was cancelled.

Interviewed yesterday, Vice President Dick Cheney stated that he hadn't yet read the entire Pentagon report, but he suggested that George W. Bush probably deserved the Medal of Honor for having averted the invasion. But he went on to add that left-wing, liberal Democrats in congress would try to turn it into an election year issue.

Nonetheless, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the matter of the medal was under review. "After all," he said, "who knows what would have happened if President Bush hadn't been there at that time?" He went on to add, "Thank God we don't have some Democrat girly-man in the White House."