One of my best friends wrote this - what do you think?

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

Be honest - tis the time for crituiqing.

http://www.biguglyreview.com/brokenthings/fiction/palmieri.html

[terrya]

1. Honestly...it's not very good.

Very dense writing....I felt like I was wallowing in a quicksand of prose.

Just my .02, guy.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

5. That's what I was looking for

Thank you

[Magrittes Pipe]

2. If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.

[matcom]

3. sorry pal

not good at all. like it was written strictly via thesaurus

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

7. Knowing Tony his mind is like a thesaurus but I appreciate the crit

he is decicated to improvement

[Mizmoon]

4. This writer is trying too hard

It's a bit choppy and tangled, but it's because s/he is trying too hard. Writing, good writing, comes naturally and sounds like a conversation or a voice inside your head. However, all is not lost. This person has a good vocabulary and proper grammar. Tell him or her to relax and tell the story as it comes into their head.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

6. i think his problem is that, because he is forcing himself to write a

short story he has to make it as intense as possible

[Spider Jerusalem]

8. Bad. Very bad.

Bad in a Hunter S Thompson meets James Ellroy and they collaborate while whacked out of their gourds, respectively, on acid and cocaine, and speed and cheap cough syrup sort of way. All those adjectives and clipped sentences. Almost reads like a parody.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

9. ok ok

duly noted :thumbsup:

[tlmorris]

10. Has potential

The opening sentence raises story questions, which is vital to short, short fiction. Hook quickly, or the reader is lost. The use of imagery is good, and necessary for "flash" fiction, also. You have to convey a lot of character with minimal words. It's very tough to write. A poem in prose is how I think of it.

But the story doesn't seem to flow. Technically, it needs improvement. Grammar and punctuation is fine, but the word choices sometimes break the rhythm, making it choppier than the subject matter would seem to need. Also, the dialog using dialect is a little over the top, and it's not consistent. Anybody that pronounces "kind of" as "kina" and "chocolate" as "chac-lit" would probably not say "mixing". I would imagine "mixin'" would be the pronunciation. In general, it may be best to avoid using colorful dialect in dialog, while maybe adding a description in the narrative of her southern drawl to clue the reader.

If your friend wants a site for writers that gives plenty of critique, try www.zoetrope.com. It has a special section for flash fiction, as well as sections for most other types of writing.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

11. Thanks that is VERY helpful

I will pass it on!