If I never hear the phrase "mission statement" again, it will be too soon.

[eyesroll]

My employer has gotten it into their heads that every department needs a mission statement. This has taken up a disporportionate amount of company time as well as mental energy.

So far, I have a stack of 6 paper memos and 7 e-mailed memos regarding the mission statement -- this does not include the back and forth between my boss and I in which I wrote versions of a mission statement, and my boss vetoed them with vague or contradictory comments (first draft: "Mission statements should be goal-oriented" second draft: "Why do you use the words 'strive to?' That implies you don't do so now.")

But...now...I apparently need to "defend" my mission statement to the CEO (as does everyone) next week. It's like a freaking dissertation or something. And I have yet to get a straight answer to the question "why are we doing this?" (The answer: "CEO thought it would be a good idea." "Why?" gets nothing.)

Any ideas as to why a company would be putting this much time and effort into constructing a statement? (I know it's not a "defend your job" thing, but beyond that...) Note I didn't say constructing a mission itself. That, we've pretty much ignored in favor of a 75-word blurb.

:grr: :argh:

[nuxvomica]

1. Somebody read a book or hired a consultant

That's usually what causes this sort of thing. You probably don't even realize how directionless you've been without one all this time. ;-)

[olddem43]

2. This is just a fad in the "management" game. We went through

this crap several years ago. I can't count the number of dumb-ass "Management" ideas that we went through in the past 20 years. Stuff like "Total Quality Management", "mottos" and other meaningless junk. Once, we even had to compose a song to sing about our job. You get through them and immediately forget about it. It's a waste of time but it makes the "managers" feel like they are doing something other than just collecting their over-inflated paychecks.

[eyesroll]

4. Wow. A song, that I could do...

In fact, it's already been done!
(Partial credit to Beware the Beast Man)

Mango air fresheners and pink soap dispensers
Toilets and faucets with red motion sensors
Pre-moistened towlettes and toilet-bowl rings
These are a few of my favorite things...

[Beware the Beast Man]

10. Thanks for the earworm!

:grr: :nuke: :grr: :nuke: :grr: :nuke: :grr: :nuke:


Catchy tune, by the way.

[eyesroll]

12. Don't blame me.

You started it...

[Beware the Beast Man]

14. True, and I've done enough damage already.

By the way, I'd add "going forward" to the repertoire of useless office euphemisms. Why can't people just say "from now on"??

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. Our Parish Pastoral Council decided this a couple of years ago. That

each sub group needed a mission statement...The following year was devoted to proving that we were living up to our mission statement, which in turn had to tie in to the main parish mission statement. Suffice to say, I left the council last year. It got a little too much policy and a little too less faith filled for me. :hi:

[emulatorloo]

5. Here is your mission statement

Our Mission is to be the best provider of XXXXXX in the XXXXX services market, and to be the dominant organization in XXXXXX services. We have a strong understanding that the Customer is our number one priority. The customer is our friend and our partner, and it is our obligation as the best provider of XXXXXXXXXXX in the XXXXXXXXXXX services market to provide our valued customer with high quality XXXXXXXXXXXX. Our customer has many choices in the market place for XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, so our XXXXXXXXXX must be the best XXXXXXXXXX for our Customer.

Or someother such circular stuff.

[htuttle]

6. Good boilerplate!

Make sure and mention the Customer (always capitalized) all the time. Make it sound like the corporation is on some sort of humanitarian mission to sell toiletries or something.

Executives love that sort of crap.

[BootinUp]

7. Sounds like part of the quality system program

for your company.

A mission statement typically states your goal to meet customers (internal/external) expectations, follow any regulatory requirements, maximize profitability, provide a safe environment, and opportunity for job growth for employees.

Then you say that in order to meet this goal you have established certain procedures or a quality system.

Just tailor that stuff a little for your dept. and company.

Have fun. And this stuff is not a bad thing, it helps communicate company policy to employees.
:)

[eyesroll]

9. I edit a trade publication for the cleaning industry.

Our core mission, for real? To sell advertising. Of course, we can't say that in something we're supposed to be putting on our marketing materials in '05 (I got that memo today!).

[BootinUp]

17. Have you already got some objectives (per previous memo?)

Objectives have to be measurable,

If you have some measurements of dept performance you currently use, pick 3 of them and write the mission statement adding them in.

I don't know that business so its tough for me to make specific recommendations.

[eyesroll]

19. We've pretty much gotten the statement done,

but it's still in revision (little niggling things) and then I get to talk to the CEO about ....something related to it that isn't quite clear....JOY JOY JOY!

[Screaming Lord Byron]

8. Just make some pseudo-Buddhist faux-profound motivational shit up.

Corporate structures love that bullshit.

[eyesroll]

11. That got vetoed in Round III, for being too vague.

Of course, in Round II, "you're being too specific here" came up, so who knows...

[Richardo]

13. But did you get the memo about the TPS reports? There's a new cover sheet.

I'll send you another copy. :evilgrin:

[eyesroll]

15. I've actually had my boss come in and ask if I got the two-line memo.

He recited the contents of the memo. (It was something along the lines of, "next draft due Friday/schedule a meeting to discuss.") I said, no, I never got it but I'll make a note of it.

Guess what appears in my e-mail box a few minutes later?

This place usually isn't Office Space-y, but on this particular project, it is...

[MockSwede]

30. MCF-ed

God help you with this Chinese Fire Drill - just another administrative action trying to validate their existence.

[smirkymonkey]

27. LOL! That movie portrayed corporate bullshit perfectly.

Now, where's your "flair"? :evilgrin:

[BigMcLargehuge]

16. Our Mission

We are committed to shifting the paradigm of Customer/Vendor relationships and maintaining a creative vortex of problem solving service programs and spiral of competitive management practices to exceed the goals of executive conveyance. We continue to extend the Customer/Vendor relationship to include such measurable factors as quality, competitiveness, and contentment.

We went through an idiotic mission statement phase too, just before we had a big round of layoffs. Luckily that sweep wiped out all of the mission statement fetishists.

Now we just work.

[eyesroll]

18. That last sentence is a brilliant mission statement.

My first draft that I of course couldn't hand in:

"We strive to provide halfway readable copy and pretty graphics so our readers will stick around long enough to maybe glance at the advertising that pays our salaries."

[BigMcLargehuge]

20. I am always the pragmatist

if it was up to me our mission statement would be:

Sell you more training from our off-the-shelf library so we don't need to expend any capital and therefore increase our e-learning profit margin.

But they want something that literally conveys NO meaning.

I like yours, honest is the best policy. How about something playing up the strengths of the industry to which you serve?

We continue to maintain a clearinghouse of knowledge, articles, and product reviews suited to the just-in-time needs of our readers and sponsors. We further extend our growth to capitalize on the growing unpaid laborer/foreign slave worker market as employed by today's top companies by targeting our paradigm towards upper management proceeses and proceedurs to maximize their vision for exponential quality growth.

[eyesroll]

21. Beautiful!

If we work in the phrase "under patently unsafe working conditions," I think we'll have something! :bounce:

[BigMcLargehuge]

22. Draft 2

...

We continue to maintain a clearinghouse of knowledge, articles, and product reviews suited to the just-in-time needs of our readers and sponsors. We further extend our growth to capitalize on the growing trend towards maximization of unpaid laborer/foreign slave worker market in patently unsafe working conditions as employed by today's top companies outside the envelope of government regulation by targeting our paradigm towards upper management proceeses and proceedures to maximize our shared vision for exponential quality growth.

[olddem43]

23. the word "paradigm"

is a requirement for these type statements.

[eyesroll]

24. It's there...

... by targeting our paradigm towards upper management proceeses and proceedures to maximize our shared vision for exponential quality growth.

[olddem43]

28. Yeah, I missed it on the first read, and so corrected my post.

You obviously know all about this stuff, and have been through many "training" sessions. I figure I have wasted about a half-year on this garbage in the last 20. I have boxes full of notebooks, handouts, pamphlets and junk from all the useless "courses". Also, a pile of "certificates" for completion. I've been to so many that I can't even remember the names of most of them, much less any content. Just gotta put up with it until we can retire.

[tigereye]

25. we went through this about ten years ago -

mental health agency. It made sense to a point, but it also became just a way to spend time making up BS and overanalyzing things... another thing that people in my business do really well.

I usually run screaming from this type of thing. How ironic that no one seems to have had the need for "mission statements" before, as everyone basically knows what the purpose of the organization is and has been working toward that end for a long time. There is sort of a "bass-ackwards" quality to it.

Actually I think people in my business/non-profits are to blame for this. ;)

[Guy_Montag]

26. Have you got a Vision Statement yet?

It's subtly different to a mission statement. & don't forget you need a department/company ethos too.:evilgrin:

[MockSwede]

29. Why

Why is a question best left to the philosophers and to the clergy.
How, what, when, where, who - hell - that's something we can try to answer.

F the 'mission statement' - it's that 'vision thing'.

Good luck with the BS

[NashVegas]

31. Any Company That Feels It Needs a Mission Statement

should do one of two things:

1. FIRE THE ENTIRE STAFF and hire in their place people who know why they're there.

2. Just fucking disolve.