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Edited on Mon Sep-20-04 06:03 AM by Scooter24
Stupidity: The Negative Part of Human Intelligence
DARWIN AWARDS 2004
The Darwin Award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene
pool the biggest service by killing him or herself in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The nominees this year, in reverse order, are (and, yes, these are all true):
No.7- A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house
down, killing both him and his sister.
No.6- A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed about 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family
very awkward.
No.5- Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
No. 4- A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus-style bungee cords to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."
(Measure twice which may allow you to jump twice)
No. 3- A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
(Instead of a splitter it was a biter!)
No. 2- Employees in a medium sized warehouse in West Texas noticed the smell of leaking gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. (real sharp technicians)
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast, had never been thought of as particularly 'bright' by
his peers.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
No.1- Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging his testicles solidly
in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height
of the ball washer was at least a foot higher off the ground than his
testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez
broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,
we have allowed it. (those golfers are a bright bunch)
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Sorry if this is a dupe...Hilarious (and true) stories!
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