once again, i'm caLLing on my DU conscience

[sniffa]

i went on a trip this weekend past to visit a very good friend who had moved away. shortLy after our arrivaL (myseLf and ms. sniffa), we were joined by some guy (who i just assumed was a friend of my friend). he was cooL (and hot, woot!) but i didn't drive 5 hours to hang out with him.

anyhow, the guy is from NJ, and is a friend of (i'm just gonna name them now, my friend = Lchick; stranger she cavorted with = todd.) Lchick's new roomate whom she had just met - in other words, a compLete stranger. we came, pLanning on spending the weekend, so we packed 3 days worth of cLothes and necessities. todd, Lives 30 min. away so brought nothing. he stayed the entire weekend. todd and Lchick ended up hooking up and cuddLing and such - i'm not against that by any means... it's just Lchick seemed to spend an exhorbitant amount of time with him and not us.

during our trip, we pLanned on doing aLL the touristy shit, but much of our agenda went unfuLfiLLed whiLe accomodating todd's whims.

so anyhow, i was kinda upset about the situation at the time, but not so much that i wouLd say something (i Like to bLame myseLf first for being overLy sensitive, or just crazy). as i was driving back, it started to hit me that i was angry - how dare she put us on the back burner, and for a stranger no Less?

i had aLready made up my mind to speak to Lchick about it, and inform her that next time i visit her, that she not do that (or anything simiLar again).

ms. sniffa agreed that it was very shitty of her to do that, but i shouLd not bring it up because it wiLL hurt her feeLings. i argued that, "so we shouLd spare her feeLings for the sake of ours' being hurt?" - her repLy: "our feeLings are aLready hurt; there's no need to make her feeL bad too"

so i chew that over - i'LL decide Later if i shouLd say something or not.

today i'm back at work and it hit me that i'm not angry about what happened (aLmost ignoring us the whoLe trip) - i'm reaLLy fucking upset about it. i'm hurt. my heart hurts. and that sucks!

shouLd i be upset about this? shouLd i mention to her, that my feeLings were hurt? shouLd i mention that i'd Like to have hang out with us next time? shouLd i just "get over it" as someone toLd me?

so that's my rant

ps: i shouLd hopefuLLy have some good pics of the trip.

[Phillycat]

1. My opinion - express what you just said.

That you're not angry but that you're hurt. It will make a bigger impression on your friend and she won't be defensive. Hopefully she'll be able to see that you value her friendship so much that you treasure the time you do get to spend together and were feeling really neglected. If she's any sort of nice person at all, she'll see it from your point of view.

[sniffa]

4. so, am i reasonabLe here?

hopefuLLy, i can do it without being offensive myseLf.

[Phillycat]

5. yes, I think you are.

I really think you are being reasonable. I think it was rude for her to blow you off all weekend just because she met a new guy and was enamored. That's fine, but not at the expense of some old friends visiting.

The way to not be offensive is to not tap into your anger, but rather stick with your hurt feelings. That way she'll see how her actions affected you and she won't be defensive.

[mrboba1]

2. I would

let yourself cool off and tell her about how it made you feel when you are not quite so emotionally engaged to the situation.
You will be better off in your tone and choice of words and the recipient will better receive the message.

By not telling her, it makes her actions OK - which they were not.

[sniffa]

3. i'LL definateLy Let myseLf cooL down first

but i don't want to Let this sLide - and i definateLy don't want something Like this to happen again.

my initiaL reaction when i feeL bad, is to make someone eLse feeL as bad as me, or worse. i don't necessariLy want to do that to her, but i'd Like to convey my feeLings without having that resuLt because i do Love her dearLy.

[sbj405]

6. Try to focus on the hurt rather than the anger

Try writing out exactly what you want to say first to organzie your thoughts. I think she will be more receptive if you try to express how you were disappointed and hurt rather than anger or trying to pin it on the guy. In fact, leave the guy's name out of it if at all possibly.

Sorry the weekend didn't turn out as you hoped. Hopefully, your friend is receptive to your feelings.

[sniffa]

7. that may be the way to go - writing

sometimes when i speak, if my emotions come into pLay i Lose some/aLL sense of tact.

jeez, maybe i shouLdn't be upset and just accept that peopLe are seLfish asshoLes, my "good friends" incLuded.

[jonnyblitz]

8. if you and lchick are super close then you HAVE to say

something. The others who posted thus far have given good advice. If Lchick was just some acquaintance from yesteryear who was being nice and letting you camp out at her place for the weekend perhaps not, but if she is a CLOSE FRIEND, do what the others said . If Todd only lives 30 minutes away then he could haved popped in anytime to cuddle and hookup, or, he DIDN'T have to make the calls for the weekend when the weekend should have belonged to you and MS Sniffa for setting the agenda, IMHO.

[sniffa]

9. yeah, we are cLose - which is why i'm hurt

and why i'm torn about saying anything - no matter what emotion i tap, i think she'LL be hurt.

i aLso know, she's brand new to a big city, and wants to make friends, and dates - but she couLd have done that any day.

i appreciate your input. :D

[jonnyblitz]

10. and besides Sniffa

IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY!! :hi: (happy bday btw, mine was last week)

no..you were hurt, she was rude(maybe a bit too harsh of a word to use). Close friends owe each other courtesies. You ALL will get over it. If you don't bring it up it will fester in you and come out worse later. It might not have been so bad Todd being there if he hadn't been the one setting the agenda for the weekend.

[sniffa]

11. thank you

wow, you remembered my b-day. i'm eating my "birthday brownies" (no cake for me) for Lunch. :P

[jonnyblitz]

12. newyawker99 posted the announcement while you were away

(your bday announcement)plus I read your threads about your upcoming trip last week. I didn't comment because I NEVER know what to do when in NYC so I couldn't give advice. Usually when I am there it's to attend a specific event, never a random visit for sightseeing. The last brownies I had were in Amsterdam (space cake is was called, snicker).