Alcohol treatment and my marriage - a serious topic

[tcfrogs]

So, I've been sober for 18 days. I posted before Labor Day that I would go through the evaluation process, and through that was told I needed a 15 day intensive outpatient treatment. I abided by the decision of the evaluator.

We go through 15 days of treatment, 3 hours a day for 3 weeks. I'm almost done. However, I ran into a road block tonight, thanks to the person who put convinced me that I needed the evaluation. MY WIFE!

We were set to meet some old friends for dinner tonight. At our favorite restaurant. On Fridays, we discuss our possible problems coming up for the weekend, since weekends are a big relapse risk. I mentioned the dinner, and that it's at a restaurant where they serve alcohol, and my wife & friends will be drinking.

Our group leader, and the others in the group told me ABSOLUTELY NOT TO GO! This early in my sobriety, it is not a good thing to be in that atmosphere. I wouldn't have even thought of ordering a drink (DUH, my wife is there!!!), but EVERYONE said it's the environment that I need to avoid. I agreed, and told my wife on the way home.

SHE WENT BALLISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!

Pissed at me for "ruining" our evening. She's been to a few Al-Anon sessions, but is still not completely satisfied with my sobriety. Even though she pushed me into it. We still have major marriage issues (which I viewed as being the reason I was drinking.) No cheating, no physical abuse. Lying and deception, yes. But I have committed to this program of being sober, and she just can't accept that I've made this major step.

Thanks for reading, and any suggestions and/or comments would be welcomed!

tcfrogs

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

1. Stay home

stay committed. Talk with your spouse about it, explain why it is important not to go. Is there any way you could go to a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol? That might be a good compromise.

Know that we support you here. It is very courageous to do what you are doing. Take it one day at a time. Your cheering section is always here for you.

[tcfrogs]

4. Thank you, but I'm going to a meeting!

I HAVE been home since that B/S discussion - and am off to a meeting.

I thank the DU'ers that have been so kind & supportive! You, especially!

[RetroLounge]

2. You will not be able to avoid alcohol

and you really shouldn't have to. After a while you just forget it's even there. But it's maybe wise not to push it early on in sobriety.

and don't expect your wife to throw roses at your feet for being sober for 18 days. It's a major accomplishment, just for one day, but as far as she is concerned, you have major debt to pay off emotionally. Don't sweat it, just don't drink, do the next right thing, and be of service to her and your family.

More will be revealed...

RL
(Sober 14 years..)

[tcfrogs]

9. I know I can't avoid it

but I've bought into the program, and I sincerely believe the people I'm around. I could write paragraphs about what I've learned, but I'll save that for my journal.

If those who have had experience (most in my group of 20+ have relapsed before) tell me not to go, I'm not going.

I will someday, soon probably...but not tonight. Wife just doesn't understand and took it out on me.

[RetroLounge]

11. Oh, I am in agreement with you.

Do NOT go to wet places until YOU feel comfortable, and your sponsor (assuming you have one or will someday) agrees that it is okay.

Someone else said that sobriety is about survival, and it's also about life and death. You need to do what you need to do to remain alive. Just do your best to explain this to her. 90 in 90 sounds like a great plan.

Rule 1) Alcoholism Kills.
Rule 2) You cannot change Rule 1.

Here for you 100%...

RL

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

3. I had a friend who was...

The absolutely most obnoxious drunk in the world. The. Single. Most. So bad, that at a NY Yankees game, he had his whole section in an uproar, puked down the neck of the guy in front of him(guy wassitting with his son...), got up to go to the bathromm, and rolled ALL the way down the stairs. A long way. Had a story written about that written up in the NYPost. Was banned from Rutgers sporting events. A real pip.

Anyway, when he decided to clean up, his wife attempted to torpedo his progress at every turn. Would buy ETOH and bring it home to leave out. Started cheating on him. In his home, while he was at work. Left evidence of it about. Finally left him.

Why? Who knows. Maybe she was comfortable with him drunk.

He's still sober.

People are funny, ya' know?

[jdj]

31. "Maybe she was comfortable with him drunk." Red Alert!!

This is why they initially called the spouse of the alcoholic the "co-alcoholic". Now he/she is called the co-dependent so that it can apply to all drugs, not just alcohol. It essentially means these folks are attracted to addicts/alcoholics to try to resolve internal issues, or in other words, HIS disease is not HER disease, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have a disease (I prefer "addiction" to disease, or "illness", as in emotional or mental). There are treatment centers for co-dependents. Co-dependents attach themselves to other people and give them the attention they should give themselves. They (ahem, we) really like people with serious problems so they can de-focus on themselves.

So he had better have a problem! And don't dare try to get rid of it, because HE have to be her problem so that SHE isn't her problem. It is a tragic situation, but there are screaming co-dependents every where. There are joint AA/Al-anon meetings everywhere. I'm using gender specific pronouns because female conditioning tends to create some level of co-dependency in all women as a matter of course, but it can go either way.

This is a serious recurring syndrome that happens when one spouse gets sober, it is not uncommon at all.

[Bunny]

5. From what I know of it, you can't be anywhere where alcohol is

served, at least not yet. Your wife doesn't quite get it, so far. Stay home. She'll go along with it, or not, but this is about you right now.

[MuseRider]

6. Very difficult.

Hang in there. She is having to make adjustments that she does not want to make because you need her to. It is a huge thing for both of you and if you have had problems then it may be even harder. It will take some time and require you both to try to be understanding and it really does take team work. Been in her shoes, we are still together after many years but it was tough. Get used to taking deep breaths and removing yourself into another room before you blow up. She will get there but it is different for her and may take awhile. Good luck, stay as calm as you can. You have real courage to do this.

[whalerider55]

7. stay home

90 meetings, 90 days. this is an extraordinaryily vulnerable time. why not get together and go to movie and then a coffee shop, where you could all talk about the flick and have dessert.

sobriety is about survival.
100% behind you.

whalerider55

[SOteric]

8. It may be that she's hearing the good sense in not going

to this particular restaurant as resistance to going out with friends. I wouldn't know, of course, I wasn't part of the conversation and I've no idea what the two of you are going through. Perhaps if you took the initiative to schedule a more acceptable evening for yourself, your wife and your friends, she'd hear it less as resistance and more as an attempt to keep your promises in a constructive way.

[blue neen]

10. Congratulations on being sober for 18 days.

After your wife has been to more Al-Anon sessions, I'm sure she will see how this would have been a risk for you.

After you have been deceived, it is hard to build up trust again. It will take some time. You are both in a healing process.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

[mdmc]

13. Congratulations on being sober for 18 days

thats good stuff.

Inspiration!

[blue neen]

17. Anybody who has been down this road knows that it is one day at a time.

[Mikimouse]

12. You MUST avoid your old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings

if you really want to stay sober. It is a certifiable pain in the ass for the first couple of years, but it will be well worth it. Many couples do not survive the newly established sobriety of one of the members, sadly, but it usually because the drunk usually becomes much more confident and assertive. This sometimes does not go over well with manipulative people who are used to easily controlling the drunk. Trust me, I know what I am talking about on this one. Do you have a sponsor? If you don't, get one as soon as possible, and talk to them aboutthe situation at home. I'm glad you're here! Keep coming back!

[SheilaT]

14. People who themselves

don't have a problem with alcohol do not understand how difficult this is. Staying sober 18 days is an enormous accomplishment. It's a shame your wife doesn't understand that you've only just begun a lifetime of sobriety, and she shouldn't be doing anything at all to undermine you.

Have you told the friends involved what's going on? They should be with you on this.

I sincerely hope all goes well.

[Lefta Dissenter]

15. A lot of good advice in this thread

most particularly, do not go!!! (and it sounds like you already had made that decision)

But 18 days! Congratulations! My mom died 12 years ago of liver disease. Perhaps if she had been able to start with 18 days, she could have made it a few more, and a few more after that, and we wouldn't have lost her.

Listen to the people who are going through it, and listen to your heart. If your wife isn't ready, she'll just have to bring up the rear... but your health and life are the absolute number one priority!

I wish you continued strength. :pals:

[Frances]

16. Congrats on your sobriety

Coincidentally, my husband told me today that a new friend had invited him to go to a military pilots event.

I was encouraging my husband to go when he said, "There will be a lot of drinking there and I don't want to go."

Even though my husband has been sober for a number of years he still feels uncomfortable at events where there is a lot of drinking.

I suggest that you explain to your wife that you want to be sober and that the best way for you to remain sober is to stay away from people who are drinking. When--or if--you do get comfortable with that kind of situation, you will let her know.

Personally, I would try to reassure her that you love her, but that you cannot be the kind of husband that you want to be or that she deserves unless you respect your gut instincts.

The way I look at it is this: I can have a sober husband who loves me even though he misses some events I would like to attend. Or I can be the widow of a man who died of alcoholism the way his two brothers did.

[jrthin]

18. STAY HOME. Your group leader

is correct in that you're much too young in your sobriety to be around drinkers. Be good to yourself, listen to your gut this time and not your wife. YOU matter.

[Stew225]

19. go to the dinner and

don't drink. You will make yourself happy and your wife proud. And don't let anyone tell you that the disease will "make you drink". One dinner at a time. Don't be a fanatic. Just be committed to not drinking.

[Mikimouse]

23. Much, much, much easier said than done...

this is a very tenuous time for people who are just getting into the sobriety existence. Going to this dinner should not have been an issue at all, and there certainly should have been no indignation over his decision to forego the event. I stayed away from such gatherings for the first two years, until I felt comfortable enough with myself and who I was.

[flamingyouth]

27. That is really hard to do at 18 days' sobriety

Really hard. Really. Trust me. :)

[jdj]

33. I love Courtney Love's quote "4 million junkies can't be wrong."

The same with the millions and billions of alcoholics.

Anyone here who wants to risk being on the road with a drunk driver who went to "make his wife proud" please raise your hand.

Anyone, Anyone?

[creeksneakers2]

20. My girlfriend thought

that every problem we had would magically disappear when I stopped drinking. Its a process. Nobody will understand it like you and other recovering alcoholics.

I'll pray that you can make it, one day at a time. )

[Lancer]

21. Dear tc,

You have received very good advice here.

If you stay sober, (and it seems you have the will to do so), you will find in time that you can go places where alcohol is served, but you should not attend if alcohol is the SOLE reason for the event or function.

I do not know all the factors governing your marriage. It may be your wife is frightened of the new you she may begin to see, having become accustomed to the one she knows.

At any rate, I will share with you an essay I wrote on another forum on my sixth sobriety birthday in February of this year.
________________________

Six Years On The Wagon

You have to be blind drunk not to notice the prevalence of alcohol in our culture. Sponsors are merely dodging lawsuits by adding the quiet admonition to "Drink Responsibly" to their TV ads, brimming as they are with ripe looks and innuendo. Distillers, brewers and wineries would have us believe that their products are the lubricant with which all our social machinery is coaxed into gentle, predictable rhythms.

Anxiety melts away and Mr. or Ms. Right is conquered as easily as blouses fall from silken shoulders. Actors play hard-working men relaxing in front of a sporting event on the plasma TV with a few of their Buds. Conviviality amongst the peer group is enhanced, enjoyment of the game increased, and all is well. If this really worked, your doctor would be prescribing Tia Maria or Michelob instead of Paxil or Zoloft.

It's a pretty world, but one that I began watching from the sidelines and keyhole six years ago today. At the time I had the last beer in the six-pack on February 11, 1998, I did not know it would be my last drink. As time went on, it became something of a game to see how much further I could go. Now I feel certain it's a game I've played to win for life.

Quitting drinking was something I did for myself, largely by myself. I knew that with one of the medications I was taking, mixing it with alcohol was risky business. But being sober came to mean more than that.

The liquor ads never show the events of a few hours later, when mascara, mottled blusher and hickeys combine to make your face and neck look like a Jackson Pollock painting. They don't show the pillow that you keep in the bathroom, knowing you'll be spending most of the night there next to your best friend, the porcelain god. They don't show the missed meetings, the bounced checks, the money you find days later in a jacket pocket and immediately spend at Taco Bell (assuming there's gas and nicotine enough to fuel your journey) in a desperate attempt to sate your stomach and alleviate a hangover. Last names you never knew, intimacy without foundation, cars left across town, pets unfed, bills unpaid, friends neglected, excuses made to family, DUIs cited, alibis created. Jobs lost. Two of them. Months wasted, struggling to get back in the game. Valuable time, contacts and history lost that could never be regained.

On some levels, life has not noticeably improved for me in the past six years. But, I am sober. I face the world clear-eyed every day knowing that nothing I do today will destroy my self-respect.

I have no moral or ethical obligation to tell others not to drink. My decision to stop was a personal choice and one that was ultimately essential, made by and for me alone. I tell this story merely to suggest that it is possible to learn from a past pattern of mistakes, to re-chart a dangerous course, whatever it might be. Not easy, but possible.

You may count me among your friends, tc, who are with you all the way, and will always be available through PMs if you ever need to talk. Godspeed.

[Mikimouse]

24. Kudos, Lancer...Living life on life's terms...

Keep coming back!

[jdj]

35. For me it's what hasn't happened more than what has.

I have a friend who saw a guy in meetings with 3 years who had a Rolls Royce. She said she got really excited, 'cause she thought it meant that in 3 years she would have one too. I thought that way too.

But I was a trainwreck waiting to happen, and I am glad I switched tracks just in time.

[demosincebirth]

22. A little advice from one who almost destroyed his ...

life because of booze. "If you don't want to slide, you don't go on slippery floors." Your wife may object, but its your life thats falling apart because of 'Ol Dr Barly Corn.

Go to AA meeting every day and don't drink in between. I gaurantee that your life will get better.
PS.

[smirkymonkey]

25. Congratulations on your sobriety!

I know how tough it is...I am now sober almost 4 years (again) and it's because I listened to other people who had more time and experience than I did.

Listen to your sponsor, or people in your group, but do what will be the best thing for YOU. As they say, it's a selfish program (in the beginning) and sometimes it can be a fatal mistake to put other's needs before our own, especially early on.

Take care of you - and let your wife deal with her own feelings. It takes a while to be comfortable with letting other people have their recactions without buying in to them, but it will come. Just do the next right thing in front of you and it will all work out! You have made the best decision of your life and you sound very strong.

Just go to meetings and talk through it, it will pass soon enough.

[flamingyouth]

26. Congrats on your sobriety, tcfrogs

My mom is a recovering alcoholic. We all stopped drinking around her for the first five years of her sobriety. Now I will have a glass of wine when I have dinner out with my parents, and she is okay with that.

I'm sorry you had to go through this with your wife. I have a general idea of how hard this must be for you. I congratulate you on your commitment and I feel bad because you had this argument with her.

You always have friends here on DU, whenever you need us. :hug:

[jdj]

32. God bless you for understanding, for five years.

alot of non-addicts wouldn't understand that.

[flvegan]

28. tcfrogs kicks ass!!

Congrats on 18 days. You're facing some heavy shit, and it seems like you're somewhat unsupported. Pardon me for my I-don't-really-know-crap-but-have-an-opinion post here, but, I think that if my loved one, my friend, my family member, was having a problem, I sure as hell wouldn't put them in a situation where they need to stare that problem in the eye.

Fuck anyone else's opinion on your sobriety. How are you with it?

This is YOUR program. This is your life.

Shit, man, you kicked. You deserve a cake with 18 candles on it. Tomorrow, a cake with 19 candles. Blow them out for you, and wish for the cake with 20 candles. And then 21...22...23...cake rules!

I hope you don't think I'm making light of the situation. I mean everything I've stated here. I'm a newbie, but I get it.

[tcfrogs]

37. Thank you!

and to all - tried to send a message back to you (flvegan) & it wouldn't work.

I sincerely appreciate all the kind words and encouragement.

[Cheswick2.0]

29. you made a good decission

I am proud of you for getting 18 days. Your wife will have to adjust, be patient but don't give in. You are on the road to recovery and that is too precious too risk.

[Rabrrrrrr]

30. No words of help, but let me say - congrats on your 18 days!

I was always very proud of my father after he quit drinking and went sober for his remaining years. And my uncle, who was 23 years sober this year. I know it was tough for them, and for other alcoholics, so every day sober is a day to say "Well done! You rock!"

Best wishes to you!!

[The Flaming Red Head]

34. If you ever back slide. Forgive yourself

It doesn't mean that you have to start over. Fuck AA. Be gentle with yourself and those around you and good luck.

[KittyWampus]

36. Hang In There. Maybe Make A Date With Your Wife For Somewheres Else

find a new spot to have dinner.

Make a date with the couple to see a movie (where there's no alchohol).

[bratcatinok]

38. Having been the wife of a newly recovering

alcoholic, I can understand where she's coming from.

I thought that if the drinking stopped then everything would be okay. I mean, after all, all he had to do was to not drink. I mean, heck, my life had already been so affected by his damned drinking so why couldn't he just not drink. Why did his not drinking have to now affect my life and the way I wanted it to be.

I even went so far as to mourn not being able to have candlelit dinners with wine and good food. Guess what's crazy about that? Even a half a glass of wine gives me a headache! How crazy was I that I could mourn over something I didn't even want to do?

Let me tell you how crazy I was! I was certifiably nuts! I took the Big Book of Alcholics Anonymous and highlighted all of the paragraphs in the chapter "To The Wives" that told the alcoholic how he should treat me and how badly he had emotionally abused me. I gave it to my alcholic as an outline for how he should treat me from then on. Tell me I wasn't crazy!

AlAnon literally saved my life. It took more than a few meetings for me too. Besides, I was pissed about having to go to the damned AlAnon meetings because I wasn't the one with the problem...he was.

Fine, so I kept going to those stupid AlAnon meetings because it was the proper, wifely thing to do in order to keep my husband from getting drunk. Then one night after a meeting, the light went on in my head. I had been affected by someone else's drinking and my thinking stunk just as much (if not more) than the alcoholic's did. I started going to AlAnon for all of the right reasons then, to help me recover from how alcoholism had affected me.

Something that helped us to recover as a couple were meetings that were based on the chapter "The Family After" in the Big Book. You might check with AA and AlAnon to see if one is held in your town. It helped to hear how other couples were dealing with the disease. Our meeting in Dallas was held on a Saturday night so usually most of us would continue the meeting at a local restaurant. Our meeting after the meeting helped us to meet new couples that were like us and also gave us a much needed social outlet that was safe for both of us.

I'm sorry if this is long. I wanted to share my experience, strength and hope with you. Congratulations on your sobriety.

[BensMom]

39. We are all for you

18 DAYS
That is wonderful.

First and foremost take care of you.

You do know resentments and anger will lead you right back into the bottle.


Get back to what you learned in treatment. Talk to sober people - any sober people. Find new things to do, new friends.

18 days is great - keep it going.

[mitchum]

40. Congratulations on your sobriety...

and remember that it must be the most important thing in your life. I am so sorry that this problem has come up. Please stay the course.

[Susang]

41. Listen to your therapists (and your instincts)

Don't go to the dinner. If you wish to remain sober (and it looks like you do), then it's probably too early for you to be facing such a difficult situation. You may not have ordered a drink, but you would have wanted one and your friends may have wondered aloud why you didn't have one. That's way too much pressure.

Sounds like your wife is scared of the changes going on. If you stay sober, then she's going to have to deal with any marital issues that don't have to do with your drinking. She'll no longer have that to blame and that probably is frightening. Hope she's getting counseling too.

Congratulations on your 18 days! You're doing a very difficult thing that will change your life. Change is hard and often sucks, but usually you come through the flames much stronger than you were before.