How do you know when a marriage is finished?

[Ellen Forradalom]

An open-ended question. Just wondering what would tell you it's time to throw in the towel.

[RetroLounge]

1. Legal Papers?

Worked for me...

RL

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. Hmmmm

That would be a clue, yes.

[RetroLounge]

36. Also lack of trust, lying, cheating

and no sex...

RL

[gospelized]

2. i wouldn't know

being a non-citizen and such.

[tcfrogs]

21. GET OUT NOW!

Signed,

John Ashcroft & Tom Ridge

*please note, I was being sarcastic!!!!

[acmavm]

3. When the sound of the other person's voice makes you with that you

had a lethal weapon within reach.

[Mikimouse]

4. Interesting question...

I would suggest that it becomes clear when the friendship that represents the foundation of the relationship becomes meaningless to one or the other (or both, at times), the relationship is doomed.

[mairceridwen]

5. aside from legal papers

when one person is doing all the emotional work...this is exactly what happened to a friend of mine.

[eyesroll]

6. If you're asking that question, and it's not just your spouse is freaking

out over something...you probably know the answer.

On edit -- OK, that was super-glib. I think, when the "life without your spouse" visions in your head overtake the "life with your spouse" reality, that's a reasonable sign.

[Ellen Forradalom]

8. Well, I am married to a Red Sox fan

so he is freaking out over something..

[trogdor]

14. Have you ever seen Keeping Up Appearances?

Poor Richard Bucket's wife (that's "boo-kay") drove him absolutely crazy and made him miserable, but leaving her never entered into his mind.

[seventhson]

9. Lies

nt

[malatesta1137]

11. if there are lies

it's because there's still some hope. When the TRUTH starts to be spoken, then it's over.

[seventhson]

12. Nope, once the lies start, it is over

the lies just keep the lies going until the truth comes out.

But the lies are the signal it is over.


NOW, I imagine there are times when lies MIGHT keep the fantasy going that the marriage is alive .

But the lies themselves signal the death of the marriage.

(And of COURSE it depends on the magnitude and gravity of the lies: lying about things like whether you f---d up the laundry or whether she looks fat in that dress is NOT the same as lying about kissing her best friend on the way home from work.

[malatesta1137]

13. I've known cases

of wifes lying about affairs, husbands lying about affairs, and somehow problems were worked out and marriages continued. So lies are not a sign of a marriage being over, not by a long shot.

[seventhson]

15. Once the lies start it is OVER

That is NOT the same as saying it cannot be restarted or rekindled.

My motto has been (after too many years of experience):

Relationships don't end.

They just change.

You still have a relationship with somebody you despise.

For me it always helped put it into context.

[malatesta1137]

34. you contradict yourself

you say it's 'over', but also that 'they don't end'. Feelings remain, relationships either continue or stop.

Lies are not a sign ANYTHING is over. My uncle lied to my aunt 16 years ago, NEVER admitted he had affairs. They are STILL together.

[warrens]

10. Forra., you actually know me

And the answer is, when you know it is wrong. I went through hell but it had to happen. I could not fake it til I was 99. Now my child and her mother and me are much happier.

So now, in the DU tradition, I will be called a family-smasher. No, Hank HYDE was, not me.

We had dinner at Pasteur, Forra.

[Ellen Forradalom]

37. Welcome to DU, warrens!

I'll PM you.

[Amaya]

16. When he brought his girlfriend home

:shrug:

[BiggJawn]

18. Or when she brings HER girlfriend home!

Or when the guy in the sheriff's uniform is standing at your door with a wad of 8X14 papers in his hand, and you know you're not behind on your bills....

[eyesroll]

20. To be fair -- there are scenarios in which she bringing her girlfriend

home are just peachy.
:evilgrin:

Although, the sheriff guy is a pretty ominous sign....

[BiggJawn]

25. Could say the same when she brings her boyfriend home...

Hey, 3-way's a 3-way, right? :evilgrin:

Makin' Sammiches!

[prole_for_peace]

17. When the sound of them breathing just makes you crazy,

and you wish they would quit it.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

19. I guess when the thought of living without them

is a happy one and you wish it could be. When you want desperately NOT to be with them anymore. When nothing's left. When you look at them and feel exactly nothing. Not murderous rages or wanting them to quit breathing, as has been suggested here.

Look for a feeling of nothingness. Flat. When you look at them and feel ZIP.

THAT'S when things are bad. Possibly still salvageable, but definitely on life support.

Good luck if this is personal.

On edit: that feeling of nothingness when you look at them, interact with them, or think about them? It has to stay there over a period of time. Not be fleeting.

[NNadir]

22. I asked that question one year into my marriage, and fortunately

never found the answer.

I know this: What our marriage counselor did was to ask us why we fell in love in the first place. When we asked ourselves that question, we remembered and we're now going on twenty very happy years.

I suppose a sign would be if you can't answer that alternate question, "Why did we first fall in love," that might be a sign, but thankfully I don't actually know.

Sympathies.

[jdj]

23. Marriage is never finished. It's a sacrament between one

man and one woman, remember?

[BlueJazz]

24. When you start asking "How do you know when a marriage...

...is over"
I think we all truly know when it (our marriage)is over...the thought just makes us wish it were not so..

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

26. Nah it's not when you ask that

I've asked it myself many times and I am still happily married 13 years later.

It's when you have really experienced the answer. That's when it's over.

[Susang]

27. I would assume that you probably already know

The trick is admitting it. So either you stay and work like hell on making it better or you cut your losses and let everyone move on.

[Demonaut]

28. when SHE leaves the toilet seat up...nt

[serryjw]

29. When you communicate with Only sarcasm.........

When you TRY and hurt each other and take pleasure in it....You have over stayed your welcome.

[no_hypocrisy]

30. As John Prine would say, "She still laughs with me, but she waits just a

moment too long . . . "

When the shared laughter stops, then you have to re-evaluate your relationship.

[tcfrogs]

32. Great to see a John Prine reference

even though it's on a downer topic...

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

31. It isn't finished until you or they declare it finished

Until then you are suffering over your relationship rather than being in it.

[flamingyouth]

33. From my own experience, I think when you're asking this question

At least, when I look back on the tragic facade that was my own marriage, I see that when I started to question whether it was worth continuing, I think it was over.

I'm sorry for you. I can relate to what you're feeling.:hug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

35. I've never been married, but I knew I had to end a certain relationship

when the phone rang one evening and my first thought was, "Oh no, I hope it's not him."

On a more serious note, from what I've observed in other people's marriages, a marriage is irretrievably broken when one partner makes a conciliatory move or concession and the other person not only rejects it but makes a mockery of it.

If one partner really wants out, there's nothing you can do.

[Ellen Forradalom]

38. It's not so easy to answer this question

Sometimes we have really nice times together. Often he irritates the fuck out of me. We don't spend much time together, but when we go out and visit friends, like tonight, we have a great time. He loves me quietly, always takes care of me, but we're experiencing bed death. We do have a lovely child.

[Mizmoon]

39. When s/he makes you sick

more often than s/he makes you happy.

Toward the end of my first marriage, I couldn't even stand the way the poor guy chewed. Like he needed that kind of crap from me ... if you feel that way get out before you put the other person's self-esteem in the crapper for good.