I'm One Angry Mother Right Now...

[liberalmuse]

I just got back from hiking in the mountains with my friend and our dogs to find my new car missing from the driveway. The teenager, or as I will refer to her after today, 'It' decided to take MY car to an all-day concert when I expressedly told her not to. She was also smart enough not to take the cell phone in with her. I just had to call my friend and tell her she would need to pick me up for the play we're seeing tonight, as I would not have my car by then. How do people survive teens? How??? GAAAAAAAAAAAH! I. Am. Going. To. Blow!

On edit: too angry to be coherent.

[RevCheesehead]

1. Wow.

"It" sounds like someone is going to lose their driving privileges for what - a month or so?

Good luck, mom, and hold fast.

[liberalmuse]

4. I was thinking forever...

but yes. She is going to have to learn the bus system. Thanks for the support. I have a rotten temper and desparately need to calm down right now.

[Nightjock]

2. I'm just trying

to survive my 3 year old girl and a one year old boy.

I've discovered two misconceptions. The terrible two's start at THREE YEARS OLD and that boys ARE easier than girls.
And people tell you it's hard work, but you really have no idea until you are a parent just HOW hard it is!

But I would not trade it for anything!!!

Enjoy your concert! I'd settle for just getting out of the house right now....:)

[jonnyblitz]

8. as the babysitting gay uncle with one niece and one nephew

I agree with you on the boys being easier than girls thing.

[Nightjock]

17. LOL

"Babysitting Gay Uncle"!...sounds like at sitcom on ABC

[liberalmuse]

22. My nephew is a doll.

He's 13 and is the kind of kid I can talk to like I would an adult. You know who he wanted to dress up as last Halloween? John Lennon. He's anti-Bush and keeps up on all the politics. He's also a WWII and airplane buff and is a font of knowledge. He holds doors open for adults. I adore the kid. Typical old soul.

My daughter voted for Nader in a kiddie election about 5 years ago just to spite me and is apolitical though she doesn't like Bush, either. She's had to put up with my rants for 4 years now. It hasn't been easy on her and she likes playing devil's advocate just to rile me up. She probably wants her pre-Bush mother back. Anyway, the fact that she called my cell but didn't leave a message speaks volumes. She knows she messed up, but the instant gratification of getting to a concert took priority.

[jonnyblitz]

33. what concert?

just curious...

[murielm99]

39. My youngest daughter dressed as Harpo Marx for Halloween

when she was ten. She was so excited about her costume, and none of the other kids got it.

She is contrary and funny to this day. She is getting the vote out in Iowa, and I am very proud.

[patdem]

41. 'Other People's Children'...I must have written this for YOU!

O P C

Other People's Children are a delight to me,
they're so full of wonder & joy & glee.

They so often appear sparkling & bright
never a disheveled seemly sight.

Their manners seem to come right from the book.
Their eyes downcast in that submissive look.

All my wisdom they take to heart,
eager to learn what I can impart.

Reckon my child's faults glare only to me,
cause to the rest of the world he's an
O P C !

I raised a boy and wondered if girls were easier. He did some 'boy things as a teenager. He took his knife collection to schools to show off. He and his friend took his friends mothers car for a joy ride..and he drove...got caught. He and his friend visited a bunch of houses under construction and was caught in one that had been vandalized. I really do believe it had been vandalized before he ever got there because he nor his friend was ever charged..but you know how that goes.

So I told him...look, I am your mother, I know you..I know you are a GOOD KID, but a judge looks at your record and sees 'Contraband lethal weapons in school, driving a stolen vehicle and 'possibibly' vandalizing a new home'...

Now he is the proud father of three children-all girls and he is going through teen age angst...PAR for the course!

[Misunderestimator]

28. As the babysitting gay aunt in the past....

I have found that the boys are MUCH more difficult than the girls. Interesting. My experience is from past relationships, one of seven years where I watched the boy of 1 grow to 8 and the girl of 4 grow to 11, and the other of two years where the boy was 2-4 and the girl 5-7. Maybe it's because the girl is older in both of those? :shrug:

[jonnyblitz]

32. BUT

that doesn't mean I don't enjoy the crap out of my niece. SHE is more like me (nonconformist who loves wierd music and dancing and is interested in all my tattoos and piercings and brags about them to her little friends) where as the nephew thinks that I am kind of strange(the occasional mohawk i sport does it i think) and he plays sports and imitates his CONFORMIST, boring father. My niece just doesn't OBEY as easily when you want her to and requires all sorts of complex psychology to snap her out of it.

[Misunderestimator]

40. Cool... she sounds wonderful!

[IdaBriggs]

3. Got a Book for You.

"Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love" by Scott P. Sells, PhD - www.amazon.com has an excerpt. Sounds like you could use some of the advice that is in it (AWESOME advice on "punishment"). Good luck! :) Best, Ida

[liberalmuse]

10. You guys rock!

This is why I love DU. I didn't think this would get any responses since it is really kind of a vanity vent. Thank you for the suggestion. I plan to walk to the library in a bit and I'll see if I can find the book you've suggested.

[deadparrot]

5. We're not all so bad :) n/t

[merh]

6. Teenagers are living proof of alien life forms ...

at some part during a child's development the child is replaced by some alien being that makes life hell for the parents and that would try the patience of Job. Usually by the time the child reaches 18 to 21 the alien leaves and your child returns.

My prayers are with you. It isn't easy. Good luck and remember to take deep breaths and to remain calm. If you like, I can give you the link to a thread with a post from a child behaviorist here at DU. The poster may have suggestions on how best to handle this. (we have been debating parenting for the last couple of days)

Again, good luck.

[merh]

21. Here us a link that was provided to me regarding parenting

http://www.positiveparenting.com/resources/feature_article_002.html

[Magrittes Pipe]

7. Samuel L. Jackson is also one angry mother.

Just tryin' to cheer ya up :)

[liberalmuse]

12. LOL, thanks!

Man, right now, I'd make Samuel L. Jackson in any Quentin Tarantino movie seem like a pussy.

[mopinko]

9. i feel your pain

we are finally (knocking on wood) coming out on the other side of a long ordeal with a bipolar kid. a 5 year nightmare of out of control behavior. she is 17, well medicated, and in a proper school. she has settled down, and we are all happy about that.
now, her 18 year old brother, jeez. he's harmless, anyway, but a lump, going nowhere.
it is hard. now all i have to do is survive the other 2. the 13 year old is still a sweet, sweet boy. and the 11 year old will probably always be the perfect angel that she is.
when i see people all gaga over their new babies, i was to tell them- smother them now, and move to another town. run, and hide.

[trixie]

15. You need some big changes

I would first lock up everything. Show the thief that you know she can't be trusted so the rest of the family must be on lockdown. No driving privilages ever! She needs to be in her room 24/7 unless it is for school.

I am truly shocked by the lack of concern here. I would make such a huge deal out of this she (and anyone else in the family) would remember it for the next 20 years. I would definately tell her the next time you will press charges. I would definately lock up my purse and any other valubles. I would treat her like she was 4 years old and have a sitter at all times.

If she was over 18 and out of school I would make her leave the house.

[skygazer]

29. Wow

You'd throw her out of the house? In what way would that help? By giving her the message that you don't care what happens to her? Sounds to me like a ready made recipe for drug and alcohol abuse, as well as all the other wonderful things that happen when you're a teenager on the street.

Teenagers do shit like this to test their limits. Tossing them out does nothing to teach them their limits, it just tells them no one wants to bother with them.

You're shocked by the lack of concern? I'm shocked by your lack of perspective!

[trixie]

48. Yes I would

If any other "adult" stole your car would you just sit there? I am sorry but we are very strict. We also are against physical discipline too. We set rules and we stick to them like cement. My dd just turned 16 and has purchased her own car within a week of her birthday. She has worked for the last year and saved up. We matched her dollar for dollar. She pays her own cell phone and her own car insurance. We reward good behavior with more freedom bad behavior is total lock down.

Yes if 1 of my adult kids stole something from me, especially a car, I would no longer help that child. The real world wouldn't allow that, why should parents? By giving in and not letting them realize the consequences, how are you helping them?

[skygazer]

52. Of course I wouldn't just sit there

However, I would recognize that the kid probably didn't see it as stealing the car. I would make it very clear that that's exactly what it was, I would impose penalties and there would be consequences. I don't think throwing a kid out on the street teaches them much of anything. Just because they turn 18 doesn't mean they're ready to fly free with no guidance whatsoever.

My oldest daughter is married with two kids - she still calls occasionally with a dilemma she needs advice on. My younger daughter is 22, on her own, working, doing well but she still needs a mom to bounce things off of.

Let me tell you something - I happen to be one of those kids that got essentially dumped out on the street by my father when I was 17. I was doing the usual teenage shit that generally equates to attention seeking - not breaking the law, not hurting anyone and I got tossed out on my ass. Had my father shown one iota of concern as to why I did what I did, I probably would have been a lot better off. Discipline should be enforced with love, not by abdicating your responsibilities.

[Flammable Materials]

11. Report it stolen? Suggest to the police where they might find it?

Put the fear of the goddess in her?

:)

[Spinzonner]

14. Filing a (knowlingly) false police report is a no-no

and can subject you to prosecution

[NVMojo]

16. don't give up!

whatever you do, don't give up. It seems that when they are teens, sometimes, they push your love to the extreme limits of reality ...but they really want you to follow up ...don't give up!

[liberalmuse]

18. I'd thought of it.

She's basically a good kid, but incredibly selfish, especially when it comes to her concerts. If the car isn't in the driveway when I get home tonight, I will definitely report it stolen. Perhaps I ought to leave another message on her cell phone because the one I left may frighten her from ever coming home again.

[Spinzonner]

25. Perhaps you ought to ask her

what she thinks would be the appropriate punishment.

You don't have to follow it of course if it is too wimpy but it might make her consider her actions on a more serious level and face up to the consequences aspect.

And turn your anger and frustration into a different modality.

[NashVegas]

13. Perhaps You Should Have Persuaded "It" to Come Hiking With You

and robbed it of the opportunity.

[slinkerwink]

19. If your teen has a computer, remove it from her room, and revoke her phone

That should be punishment enough.

[whirlygigspin]

24. a child called it

somehow, I feel sorry for your kid.

Your not home, and she needs the car, big deal.

Maybe she should just get her own car.

what's the big deal?

[neebob]

47. The big deal is

Mom said no and she did it anyway. Perhaps Liberalmuse is a single parent and it's her only car? Either way, it's no small thing.

[MrSandman]

20. Teenagers are evil...

I have a 19 and 21 y.o.

Sometimes it seems as if only one of you can survive. It is worth it.

But it does sound like some major league consequences.

[Cheswick2.0]

23. good news

They do become human around 21 or 22. Whatever you decided to do to punish her , stick to it and make sure you are consistant...just like with a baby. She won't die if she doesn't get to use the care.

DON'T GIVE IN BECAUSE SHE WILL PLAY YOU LIKE A VIOLIN.

[Lefta Dissenter]

27. Gotta agree with Cheswick here,

"This, too, shall pass"

Mine are 20 and 23, and we seem to have survived. I would have killed mine for stealing the car, so I guess it's good they didn't try, since I'd probably still be in prison (they frown upon baby-eating these days).

Hang in there. The day will come when you will look at your kids (as adults, of course), and realize that they've somehow turned into wonderful people, and you'll wonder when the hell that happened! :shrug:

[liberalmuse]

30. Girls, especially.

They are so manipulative. I'm going to ground her from the car for a month as someone else suggested, and when that's done, I will make her pay for her portion of the insurance since she has a job now.

Thanks to all of you great people for helping to calm me down. Some of the best people on the planet are right here on DU. I wish I could walk out my front door and meet people like you, but alas, it is rare.

[RevCheesehead]

37. I would also make her pay for the gas, too...

PLUS the gas for your friend's car, as well.

Sometimes when you hit the pocketbook, it reverberates.
$20 for your car, $20 for your friend who will be driving.

[Nite Owl]

26. Oh are you bringing back memories

I would rather forget! First son at 16 was I swear the worse kid ever born. At least at the time I thought so. Second was a breeze. The good part is that there is hope, there is light on the other side because now he is a fine young man, a good liberal that works and studies hard. It really is just a stage. Hide the keys. Threaten to call the police if she does it again.

[neebob]

31. My dad would have come to the concert and extracted me

in the most embarrassing fashion. If I were you, I might go get the car - hitch a ride if I had to and steal it back. Let her worry and wonder and find a ride home. THEN revoke her driving privileges for a month.

On edit, I'd consider whom she's with and whether they might be drinking and how confident I am that she won't end up in danger because I took the car. Her taking the car like that is just so brazen, I'd have a hard time waiting until she got home to deal with it.

[miss_kitty]

36. "My dad would have come to the concert and extracted me" LOL!!

WORST. PUNISHMENT. EVER. :evilgrin:

[neebob]

42. Oh, and that would have been just for starters

I'd have been grounded for months and lost my driving privileges indefinitely - possibly permanently. He made me quit my job at Wendy's and grounded me for 3 months for getting an F in some class I didn't like.

My 15-year-old son - who, incidentally, is out running around like a wild Bohemian with no parents - has it SO easy. I'm having a bit of a struggle with his expectations of a social life and 16-year-old friends who can drive. Earlier today I bit the bullet and let him go snowboarding with two other similarly obsessed boys, but the driver's car didn't want to go over the 12,000-foot pass that lies between here and the snow, so they turned around and came back. They decided to go to town and do nothing in particular, which would have been OK except the return time was 11 pm, and I let him go out with these same boys until 10 last night. The agreement was he'd call me at 5 and we'll make a plan involving my picking him up somewhere.

[murielm99]

43. Hey, that's the kind of stuff I did to my kids.

They screwed up, I embarrassed the shit out of them.

I once cut up my son's drivers license.

I shouldn't complain, though. I sent the older two to boarding school, so they were not home much from age 15-18.

My son was the worst, though. He ran up phone bills like crazy. He figured out how to make conference calls when he was in junior high. I had a $2000 phone bill. I negotiated with the phone company, but it was still bad. I canceled all long distance for two years.

The trouble is, he did not learn from the first time. He continued running up phone bills. I grounded him. One night, I yanked all the phones out of the house and threw them in the yard. He locked himself in his room. I threatened to call the cops if he did not open the door. He asked me how I intended to do that, since I had broken all the phones in the house. I stripped his room to a bed and one change of clothes. I only gave things back as he straightened out.

He was basically a good kid, but selfish. I talked to his scout master, because he was very devoted to scouts. He told Tim he could not be an Eagle Scout unless he straightened up. He hooked my son up with a paper route, and we made sure he paid me back for most of the phone bills. He was allowed to keep five dollars a week.

Ninth grade got much better. Then, he joined his sister at our state's math and science academy his sophomore year. Three weeks later, he was running an illegal radio station out of his dorm room.

They do grow up, honest. I loved him to death through all the trials.

[neebob]

46. My son has been good so far -

keeps his grades up and helps me with all kinds of things. Really, I couldn't have ordered a better kid. The deal is he can have all this freedom (and I only say that because it's so much more than I had) as long as he doesn't do anything to violate my trust. Then it's like welcome to 1975.

[miss_kitty]

50. nothing though, in my mind, was more humilating than my mom

acting up in front of my friends...I know some kids don't get as bothered by it as I was, but there are a few teens for whom the threat of mom and/or dad acting like total unreasonable asses in front of the gang is reason enough to toe whatever line the parents want to draw! :)

[miss_kitty]

34. If this is a recurring theme

you may want to consider a having a secret 'kill' switch installed that will keep the car from running. or removing the coil wire or some other thing...maybe ask your mechanic an easy way to disable the car, for those times you won't be at home to watch the car. buy a wheel boot. Something that says "I can't trust you. I wish I could."

man if anyone took my NEW car to a concert, I'd be PO'd, too.

I was a Horrible teen. my poor mom. :cry:

[name not needed]

51. There may be a fuel cutoff switch in the trunk

Usually is on most cars.

[readmylips]

35. When my daughter was a teenager...

she waited until I went to sleep, got my car keys and took off with her friends in my car. She was a great kid, great student, but wanted to venture out meeting girls who were nothing like her. When I got smart to her wrong doing, I followed her with my neighbor. When I got to the place where they were hanging out, I got in my car and drove my car home.

My daughter called me crying that something happened and I needed to go get her. I told her I can't go get you, you have been driving my car on the sneak, I don't have a car.

My daughter was furious because I knew about her sneaking out with my car and didn't say anything. Finally she had to say, Mom your car was stolen. Please come get me, we need to call the police. I told her, I guess you need to call the police and maybe they'll give you a ride home. She never called the police and found a way to get home.

We shared a strong bond of trust, and she felt embarrassed that she had violated that trust. She learned from her mistake and I never had to punish her. My biggest problem with her was not focusing on a career or a profession. She was back and forth in college until she found she was getting up in age and had no time for foolishness. We were poor so our ultimate goal was education. She's doing great in Law School. Her brother is also a lawyer.

Parenting is an adventure I don't envy and would not try to do again.

[JimmyJazz]

38. Hold on a second. 101er confused.

Aren't those photos of Jimmy Page and Robert Plant? And you never did anything to put some gray hair on your parents' heads? Ever?

Were you in the "Sweet Innocent Angels" chapter of the Led Zepplin fan club? :7

I'm just busting on you a bit. Everyone else gave such great advice, I have nothing else to add, but some levity. So, have some smiley bunny pancakes on me:



Then, I'll give you my mom's phone number and she can tell you about the time I snuck off to New York for the weekend to see the Who!

[demosincebirth]

44. thats car theft...

felony.

[patdem]

45. Since teens no longer suck the teet..their behavior has the same effect

as bears who grow teeth and try to suckle the mom...the mom finally understands when it is time for the 'baby' to go out on it's own...when it becomes too painful for it to remain.

That is what the teen years prepare the mom for...the ultimate leaving. You would never kick out a cuddly, loving, dependent child, now would you???

[trixie]

49. Gotta start young

You start dealing with teens at the age of 2. Do not wait until they are teens. By the time they are teens they should already know exactly what will happen if they screw up.

I don't know. I have very little trouble with my teens. I don't want them docile, I don't want them to be followers. I keep them working.