I'm being a Bad Wife.

[IdaBriggs]

I am currently having a disagreement / fight with my husband. Let me start by saying he is a wonderful guy, and I love him very much. He also loves me, but I am frustrating the patooties out of him.

I have not been earning money for the household since February of this year. This is bugging him beyond words.

In March and April of this year I was recovering from the insane hours I had worked on my last project, and then concentrating on getting pregnant with help from an out-of-state infertility clinic. I got pregnant, miscarried in May, and spent the next two months being an emotional basket case about both the miscarriage AND the emotional repercussions of what turned into a HUGE family war regarding my heroin addict niece (I am not currently on speaking terms with half of my siblings, or my parents -- it was UGLY).

I started getting Very Serious about job hunting in July, but the economy is not doing well, and I haven't found anything that pays anywhere near what I'm used to making. I didn't really worry about it too much, because for the last several years things have been slow in early summer, then pick up in August/September. I got the heads up for what sounded like a good position that would start in September, only it fell through a week or so ago.

The bottom line is that I'm not bringing in an income. We are comfortable (he makes good money), but my lack of contribution to our financial well being is a problem. On top of that, I'm the world's worst housekeeper, so I can't even claim to be making some kind of "contribution" that way. (The dirty dishes are piled high, the laundry needs to be done, and the dust is thick enough to write your name on.)

What have I been doing with myself? Well, I started spending a lot of time doing the volunteer stuff for the Kerry campaign. I'm bluntly hoping the economy will improve when we get the new guy in office, and I really have been "coasting" since we are doing well financially and have no financial difficulties.

I see his point. I'm frustrated with the job situation, too. I'm always happier when I work. I'm pissed off at the moment because he brought up the "D" word, and now I'm just flat out feeling rebellious. I was telling myself I was going to throw myself into some housecleaning before the conversation, but now -- SCREW HIM! I will NOT be blackmailed into doing something! (Yup, its a True Maturity Moment!) At the same time, I don't like the idea that he really thinks of me as "leaching" off of him -- it just ticks me off no end that he feels that way about me sometimes, plus I feel a little guilty because HELLO! I AM UNEMPLOYED AND I'M A LOUSY HOUSEKEEPER AND WE HAVE NO CHILDREN!

And just to add insult to my injured feelings, my hair is a disaster. Its normally a "mousy brown" so earlier this summer I went BLONDE for the first time in my nearly forty years. Yesterday I made the decision to go back to brown (only I wanted it a little darker) and to make a long story short IT BECAME PURPLE!!! It was actually a lovely shade of Violet, and my friend mostly "fixed it" except it still kind of blatantly looks "Dark Brown/Light Violety Red" AND MY HUSBAND HATES IT. He made a joke about putting a bag over my head. <sniff>

Any useful and/or insightful comments to guide me on my path today? Its been a rough day, and its not even noon yet.

[Phillycat]

1. Hmm.

Well, this is just the opinion of a total stranger, but I just bet that if you stopped indulging in your resentment, got up and cleaned the house, made dinner, and greeted him with, "I'm sorry" and a hug, YOU would feel better.

Here's why. When I indulge in lethargy and allow negative emotions to run my life, I feel lathargic and negative. As soon as I get up, take a shower, and do what needs to be done, I am energized and I feel good.

And as far as the "I'm sorry" goes, I always try to go by the "I may win the battle but I'll lose the war" rule. If an "I'm sorry" diffuses the tension and you are able to have a nice evening with your husband, what does it hurt? That means YOU get to have a nice evening too! You know? :)

Here's a :hug: anyway. I hope you feel better.

[wtmusic]

2. Treat yourself to something nice

Buy something, go out to that nice place for lunch.

then...

go home and clean the house. This is not a sexist remark either (as a man I do more than my share of housecleaning). If one thing will cause stress on a relationship, it's that one party is not doing their fair share. I don't buy into the idea that you're the "worst housekeeper" either. It doesn't take a genius to vacuum or make a bed.

Balance it with your volunteer work--but your problems stem from your lack of willingness to some down and dirty housework. Knuckle down and just do it--and your life will improve.

My $.02.

[Lefta Dissenter]

3. www.flylady.net

can help you get much of your life back on track. Even though you may feel some resistance, just DO it, get on the email list, and DO IT! You don't need to tell your husband or anyone else you're doing it - it can be your little secret.

You'll be amazed at how much you can regain control over the little things in your life - and still have time for DU! (believe me, I know this)

PM me if you need an extra kick in the butt! :spank:

[Elginoid]

4. some perspective from a non-working male spouse...

I can't say that i don't contribute financially, because I'm on permanent total disability,
but-
I don't work, we don't have kids, and i'm not the best housekeeper, but i try...

I have to agree with the first response-
get up, get off your ass, lose a little of the anger, and clean the place up.

I learned a housekeeping lesson many many years ago from "The Mary Tyler Moore Show", and it's stuck with me thru the same many many years-
Betty White, as Sue-Anne Nivens reccomended the following cleaning strategy- picture the room like the face of a clock, start at 1 o'clock, and clean your way around the room to 12....it works.

you sound as though you're a little angry with yourself as well, and getting things done will make YOU feel better too.

[skygazer]

5. You know, you could be suffering from depression

The stress of trying to conceive, of going through a miscarriage, feeling like a failure for not having children (I'm sorry - I'm not calling you a failure but that may be what it feels like to you) along with the stress of not being able to find work and dealing with tough family issues is enough to brink on depression or anxiety in anyone.

Symptoms of depression include not caring about your physical surroundings, mood swings, irritability - all of which it sounds like you are dealing with.

I would suggest talking to a doctor about the possibility. In addition, I would suggest going outside and taking a long, relaxing walk. Breathe deep, enjoy the scenery, try to calm your mind. It sounds like your hubby has some valid issues as do you but you can't talk about them if you're all wound up.

I wish you well - sounds like you're going through a rough patch. PM me if you need someone to talk to - I've been there and its no fun.

:grouphug:

[gollygee]

6. I agree with this

and I would add that a miscarriage and fertility treatments (did I read about fertility treatments) can make a mess of a woman's hormones - which can also cause depression.

Get to a doctor, OP :)

and :hug:

[Texasgal]

7. Ida...

It seems to me that your life is full of dramatic situations that you can't get a grip on.

Get out a piece of paper, write down what is most important to you at that very moment. Go through your list and ask yourself.... Whats worth it. I think you'll be surprised.

Good Luck!

[FunBobbyMucha]

8. Total agreement with the first responder.

I don't like to bandy the "D" word nonchalantly, but come on, hon. Not that it's not completely understandable. Having done Infertility Highway with my wife, I know what a PlayDough FunFactory of emotion you're going thru. On top of that, any magic 8 Ball will tell you that every couple fights about money, or more specifically, the lack thereof. These are scary times financially, and that's where Hubby's reactions are coming from.

He doesn't know how to help you, anymore than I knew how to help my wife after her tubal. Even if I'd had a week to prepare, I couldn't have come up with a response to her tearfully saying "I'm sorry I keep killing your babies." So much of this is between you and your uterus. We guys wanna fix things, (dammit!) while women just wanna be heard. You could sail a friggit between those two ends. I'm wondering where the child conversation stands now. I don't think anything else gets resolved until some agreement is arrived at on this one.

At any rate, I agree with poster #1 as far as the "what should I do now" thing goes.

xo

[The empressof all]

9. My situation is somewhat similar

Yet very different.

I try to remember that the cleanliness of my home, the nature of my job or the amount of money I make is not the only reflection of who I am as an individual.

It's not what we do-It's what we love.

PS Housekeeping sucks no matter what you do!

[pscot]

10. Quit beating yourself up

And tell him to quit behaving like an asshole. Losing the baby is more than enough justification for taking some time off. The fact that you're even looking for work entitles you to an "A" for effort. What you need is a new outfit and a couple of hours with a competent beautician and a day spa. What he needs is a dope slap.
Phil

[atommom]

11. You CAN'T be the world's worst housekeeper. That's ME. ;)

Seriously, though, it sounds like you've been through the wringer emotionally. I'm encouraged that you have an interest in political action ... that should be a big help in getting you moving, and getting you interested in life again. If you're NOT getting more interested in life, and happier, it might be time to look at counseling. If conversation has turned to the big D, counseling is a must.

As far as that damn house goes, you're going to have to remediate the situation slowly, a little bit at a time. Flylady drives me nuts, but her website does have good tips on how to break down household chores into manageable chunks. She also discusses how to gradually learn new habits, so that the messes are less likely to get out of hand. Although I despise housework, I've come to see the wisdom of this approach. I'm familiar with the heightened expectations that come when you're no longer working. If you, like me, are no Martha Stewart, those expectations can prove frustrating for everyone involved. But the longer you stay stuck, the longer you'll be unhappy. :(

Good luck!