friends with the ex...

[mairceridwen]

so I am watching Sex in the City (the TBS version) and it's all about being friends with ex's

what do you think? I've managed to be friend with men and women I've DATED. I've tried to stay friends with people I've been in love wih but I just can't do it. But there are also other "stories" there...isn't that always the case?

Anyway, so I am thinking about it now with my current partner...who I am going to marry someday. And what if that were to end? I don't think I could ever just be his friend. I mean, if anything were to happen. It won't. But I would just REFUSE anything less than this.


Is it true? Even when you're both happy with other people. This is what happened with the last guy to break my heart. We had started completely new lives with new loves and he just stopped talking to me.

Anyone have any really happy stories about this?

[Philostopher]

1. I don't know if you'd call it friends, exactly ...

but the ex and I still communicate, largely by e-mail. There are occasional hard feelings, but because he's no longer the center of my life (and hasn't been for a long time), and I'm sure he feels much the same way, neither of us holds a grudge anymore.

It's happy in that I still care about him, if not for him, and I think he feels the same way -- and there's a difference -- without any discomfort for any of us. I don't know if he's told the women he's dealt with since we split that we still correspond a few times a year, but my husband knows and doesn't mind. My first hubby and I got married when I was still a teenager, and we were together for two years before that -- I left a few months before our tenth anniversary -- so we share a lot of history that won't go away.

He still visits with my mother, and calls my brother when he's in town. I suppose that might seem strange, to some people, but I guess ultimately we both still care and don't want to completely bail out on anything we had, since not all of it sucked.

[mairceridwen]

6. that sounds like my dad

he never really could completely separate from me mum and her family, especially my grandmother.

but that seemed different, because of my dad's special situation (bipolar and very needy) and because of us kids

i'm thinking of all these postmodern twentysomething relationships, where there is often a real attempt at staying friends and there is really no reason to and also when the relationship just slightly exceeded dating so there's not like years and years

[Philostopher]

13. Uh ...

Actually, it isn't completely different -- we didn't have kids, but the rest of it sounds about the same, including the emotional disturbances (his).

I was married all through my twenties, so can't help you there -- we're pigeons in my family, pretty much.

[mairceridwen]

14. it's all interesting

do you guys coo and bob your heads around too?

[Pale Blue Dot]

2. I'm in the middle of a divorce, and my ex and I are friends.

It helps that we spent the last five years of our relationship as little more than friends. In fact, I joked with her tonight that now she has the ideal relationship with me: she gets to talk to me for an hour, and then I leave.

This relationship wound down to nothing very slowly; there was no major fight, and no one stormed out. I have had other relationships that have ended suddenly in which I never wanted to see the person again.

So, in short, yes, it can happen, but I think that it depends on the GUY being mature about it.

Does that help?

[mairceridwen]

3. yeah...

i'm just curious to see what kinds of experiences others have had

it's not a great deal of stress for me

I know an ex from a long long time ago who was crazy and evil after we broke up managed to stay friends with the women he married and then divorced a few years later

[mongo]

4. I get along with my ex just fine

And we still keep in touch even though we have moved many miles away from each other and are both remarried.

We still care a lot about each other. She and her hubby may be staying with us sometime this fall when they come through the area.

We didn't talk for about 6 months after we broke up, but we patched things up and she is now one of my closest friends.

Now my first wife is another story. I am a non-person as far as she is concerned, and she wants nothing to do with me, even though we had a daughter together.

[fudge stripe cookays]

5. Before I married....

I purposely TRIED to stay friends with exes because my first relationship turned into Pearl Harbor at the end.

I was very messed up, and caused much of it, and because of guilt and sadness and remorse, told myself I would never be "the one who couldn't handle it" again.

Since the first one, I'd had breakups, even bitter ones, but managed to stay in touch with most (but 1-- the sociopath), friendly through e-mail and visits when I go home to Austin, etc.

It made me feel better; that I was adult enough to handle it no matter how painful it was. Because I never wanted to be an immature villain in the relationship again.

FSC

[tigereye]

9. I only really see one-

he and I have managed to continue to be friends. His wife and I were friends before, so that made it easier. In fact, for many years we were all very, very close. I really don't see any other old bf's - I have only been married the one time and husb. and I have been together a very long time.

I like the idea of being friends with old bfs and I guess friendships with ex-husbands or wives would also make sense if the reasons for the break-up/divorce weren't too heinous. I always liked the show Cybill and the way that character dealt with all of her exes. That made a lot of sense to me. I think relationships linger.

[sffreeways]

7. Funny you asked

before I came to grips with my sexual identity when I was 19 I was married to a guy and had a son. Whe I came out I ended the marriage and at first maybe for the first few years Dave and I didn't get along. Not bad we just had no time for eachother.

Recently maybe the past 5 years we have been getting along very good. When my son was killed last year Dave was there for me and he was incredible. My partner and I and him and his wife have dinner all of the time together. We all just went to a PMRC event on Monday. I'm very close to him. I can actually say I love him. Not in a lover or x wife way but in a friend way. It's really good too because I feel very close to my son David through my relationship with his father and I think he feels the same way. It's always good to get a hug from him. I really like his wife, we get along great. We are all very grateful to have one another.

It's a good thing to make peace with your x especially when there are kids involved. My son was very well balanced and I think part of that was the good relationship I had with his Dad.

I'm not very close to any of my female x's but Dave is a very important part of my life. He's a wonderful man.

[Kali]

8. This is classic:

My sister, the people person.

Boyfriend A all through High school and early college. They split - she meets new guy, finishes college, A goes to law school, becomes attorney marries and has kids. New guy B and she move in together - he buys house, they break up she moves out but stays friends, has a couple other less serious relationships. Guy B's house is about to be reposessed - so she steps into buy it right as she meets "the one". So a few months later all three are having a glass of champagne at Guy A's office after the house sells. And it continues. "The one" calls guy A his husband-in-law, and has even house/pet sat for him! Guy B has gone on to marry and have a kid and they all exchange e-mails and pictures etc.

I think that is unusual but I also think it is wonderful.

[Fuzzy LaRue]

10. My ex and I absolutely HATE each other!

We can't even be in a vehicle when we see each other or we will try to run each other down. Forget meeting for coffee at a skeet or handgun range.

[Dookus]

11. I have one "major" ex...

the first guy I lived with. He left me for somebody else, and they then broke up.

We're "friends" in a way. I see him occasionally - he's coming over tomorrow to watch the debate, in fact. But it's still very difficult for me. I like his company, and we have great discussions, but there's always pain and resentment. As long as we stick to politics or other non-personal discussions, things go well.

[mairceridwen]

12. heh

it's interesting to have a relationship where you can ONLY talk politics