Jokes, Jokes and more Jokes

[russian33]

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said: "Are you going to help?"

"No" I said, "six should be enough."

*************

Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.

**************
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table and
looks into his small bowl which is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?", he squeaks.

Father Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Mother Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells: "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go
through this with you idiots?

"It was Mother Bear who got up first, it was Mother Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mother Bear who made the coffee, it was Mother Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mother Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mother Bear who set the damn table, it was Mother Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mother Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence!

"Listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time: I HAVEN'T MADE THE !*@*!*@ PORRIDGE YET!!!

*********

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought a warehouse.

[dean_dem]

1. A Jew, an Arab, and a Nun walk into a bar....

The bartender says, "what's this, some kind of joke?"

[SCDem]

2. What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam (hehehehe that is my favorite joke of all time!)

[The Doctor.]

3. Grandpa was sittin' on the porch smoking a pipe...

And little Jimmy runs out of the house with a bail of chickenwire.

"Where you goin' with that chickenwire, lil' Jimmy?"

All excited, little Jimmy replied, "I'm gonna catch me a chicken!"

"You can't catch a chicken with chickenwire." Grandpa admonished.

So little Jimmy ran off into the woods, and sure enough, 20 minutes later, came back with a chicken under each arm.

"We'll I'll be damned.", said Grandpa.

A little while later, little Jimmy runs out of the house with a roll of duct-tape.

"Where you goin' with that duct-tape, lil' Jimmy?"

All excited, little Jimmy said, "I'm gonna catch me a duck!"

"You can't catch a duck with duct-tape." Grandpa said.

But little Jimmy ran off into the woods, and 30 minutes later, he comes back with a duck under each arm.

"We'll I'll be damned." said Grandpa.


A little while later, little Jimmy runs out of the house with a bushel of pussywillows.

Grandpa gets up and says, "Hold on, I'll get my shoes."

[russian33]

10. HAHAHAHAHA, oh that's good!

[The Doctor.]

4. "A man walks into a bar..."

"OUCH!"

[uppityperson]

5. another

Did you hear about the 2 elderly sisters living together? One was cooking breakfast, the other stopped 1/2 way down the stairs. "I can't remember if I'm going up or down stairs. Did I take my shower or am I on my way to do it?" she asked herself. The other shook her head and thought "I hope I never get that bad, knock on wood" and rapped her knuckles against the counter. "Oh my, was that the front door or the back door? she continued.

[dean_dem]

7. That reminds me of the three old ladies sitting on the front porch...

...who couldn't hear so well.
The first lady says, "My, its awfully windy today."
The second one says, "No, I think its Thursday."
The third lady says, "Me too, lets go have some more tea."

[obnoxiousdrunk]

6. Astrologer to

Bush when he was young 'You will have a hard time till you're 32 yrs old. You will loose your money, family and may also end up in jail.'

Bush 'What happens after 32 ? '

Astrologer : ' You won't have to worry you will get used to it.'

[dean_dem]

8. Whats the difference between the Iraq War and Vietnam?

Bush found a way to get out of Vietnam.

[OldEurope]

11. My 14-year-old son told me:

Bush meets Blair. W tells Blair: "I´ve got the prove, Saddam HAD WMDs!
I finally found the receipt!"

[bleedingheart]

9. four nuns die in a car accident

at the pearly gates..St. Peter asks each one...what is the worst sin you ever committed..

Nun #1..."I looked at a man's penis..."
St. Pete..."You may pass after you wash your eyes in this holy font."

Nun #2..."I touched a man's penis..."
St. Pete..."You may pass after you wash your hand's in this holy font."

Nun #3 and #4 are fighting

St. Pete says..."what's the matter"...

Nun #4 says... I am not going to drink that water after she sits in it"...

[Q3JR4]

12. "Punny" jokes...

A fish ran into a cement wall, turned to his friend and said, "Dam."

Two birds were sitting on a perch. One turned to the other and said, "Do you smell fish?"

Two fish were in a tank, on turned to the other and said, "You man the turret, I'll drive."

Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.