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NO. 159 "Expect the Ironic" SEPT 29 - OCT 5, 2003 www.ironictimes.com
PUTIN OPENS NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE Buys Halliburton, Bechtel, sells everything else. WORLD NEWS Mideast Road Map at Crossroads Running out of metaphors.
Components of Nuclear Bomb Discovered in Iraq Depleted uranium from spent U.S. artillery shells could make a formidable weapon.
Nigeria's Economy Booming Due to hugely profitable e-mail solicitations.
Rice: More Foreign Troops Likely in Iraq Does not specify whose side they'll be on. MISCELLANEOUS State Department's Hi Magazine Hopes to Appeal to Arab Youth Current issue's articles include: “Drive a Cab, Not a Bomb,” “How to Become a Well-Paid Informer,” and “Shaving Tips.” U. S. NEWS Segways Recalled Thousands stranded.
Administration Asks France for Military, Financial Aid in Iraq In return, will put “French Fries” back on menu in congressional cafeteria.
California Bans All Unsolicited E-Mail Critics say move severely limits public's access to information about penile enlargement. REMINDER Life is a sitcom without the laugh track. Schwarzenegger Makes Pitch To Women Says he likes smart chicks who know their place. ENVIRONMENT Despite Ability To Walk, Snakehead Fish Found in Wisconsin Did Not Walk There Hitchhiked from Maryland. TRENDS First Yoga Championship Held in Los Angeles Winner advances to quarter-finals of Meditation Bowl next month in Sedona.
LATEST HEADLINES (the crawl)
. . . . . . . . . . . FTC sells 'Do-Not-Call' list to telemarketers . . . . . . New TV season begins, human interaction ends . . . . . . Robots spearhead jobless recovery . . . . . . FBI, CIA to share recipes . . . . . . Last American-made apple pie sold . . . . . . Snowmobile herds return to Yellowstone . . . . . . Chocolate-making, cheese-eating countries sign non-fat treaty . . . . . . Walt Disney, Ted Williams meet for first time . . . . . . Anti-aging pills anti-competitive, says Hemlock Society . . . . . . Report: economy hurt by falling dollar, bounced checks . . . . . . Hollywood establishes 'Don't Call Us, We'll Call You' registry . . . . . . Procrastinators detained . . . . . . New food pyramid found in Egypt . . . . . . Study: most rappers considered phat . . . . . . Common household pests cloned by Orkin . . . . . . Recall: 135-way tie possible . . . . . . Bustamante proposes switch to wampum-based economy . . . . . . Recall poll: most will decide after voting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
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