My son punched his best friend in the nose this afternoon

[notadmblnd]

My 11 yr old who is normally the most even tempered calm person I know said he just couldn't help it.. said he didn't want to do it but felt he had no choice.

They were outside playing in the snow, I hollered out and told him it was time to come in. After a minute or so I hear this screaming coming from downstairs. At first I thought they were playing like boys always do wrestling and such. I've warned them about it endlessly.. that it always starts out playing.. but someone gets too rough and before you know it.. someones hurt.

Then I hear this loud "let me in bitch", it was my sons friend screaming and crying at the same time. I ran downstairs to find out what was going on and there's blood all over the driveway, the back door, the laundry room and stairs. Cedric my son's friend (I guess that would be former Friend now) was nowhere in sight.

So I ran out of the house to see if he was OK. At this point I didn't know what happened, I just saw blood and knew it wasn't my sons. So I'm barefoot in pajamas running outside to see if this kid's head was cracked opened or what, he was way down the hill and wouldn't come in the house. I ran back in the house and called his mother to let her know he was hurt and was on his way home.

Apparently he changed his mind and had come back into the house while I was on the phone with his mom and when I went downstairs to talk to my son and clean up the blood, He was in the bathroom and my sister was tending his face. I called his mom and told her he was still he and asked her to come pick him up.

She came and we talked, I think things are OK. The boys will take a break from each other but I think they'll eventually make up. When talking to my son he told me that his friend thinks he's a wimp because he never fights and was daring him to hit him. He said he kept saying "you can't do it", "I know you can't." James (my son) was crying and upset too.

My questions is, should I punish him somehow? His dad died last year and he was always the disciplinarian. I don't know if I should let this go or what. I've spoke to him about this and stressed to him that hitting is not an acceptable way to deal with problems and that these days the authorities have no problem putting children in jail. Should I do more? Ground him? Take away video games?

[DS1]

1. It's a part of growing up, IMO

[Dookus]

2. I don't think punishment is necessary...

sounds like he already feels bad.

His friend learned a valuable lesson, though. Don't bait people to punch you in the face if you don't want to get punched in the face.

[JVS]

3. Your son's friend was begging for it.

Nevertheless you probably should punish him for letting himself be goaded into it.

[billbuckhead]

6. You need to punish him in a way that correlates to what could've happened

Use this as a teaching experience.I got into a somewhat similar situation when I was older than your son. This friend kept egging me on with all these "kung fu" moves and had finally annoyed me real good, so I nailed him with a haymaker and hurt his eye bad. I was so so lucky he didn't lose his eye. So you should emphasize all the bad things that could happen and tell him that he was doing the right thing all along in resisting violence.

[driver8]

11. His name is Cedric...he was asking for it...n/t

[MichiganVote]

4. Teach him the importance of not being a follower at the wrong time

No punishment but needs plenty of thinking time to avoid being "dared" into something like this again.

[BikeWriter]

5. Neither was it acceptable for his friend to tease him unmercifully.

Seeing the blood and his friend hurt probably traumatized him enough. I'd have a talk with him about only using physical violence when faced with imminent physical violence. I'm so very sorry for the loss of his father.

[miss_kitty]

7. I wouldn't punish him

It sounds as though he's hit a rough patch, and I think you having addressed it at the time probably got through. But he's already sad. And being on the outs with his best friend-well that's punishment.

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. Well, the kid certainly asked for it. Let your son know you understand,

that you would maybe have done the same thing, and that the other kid was totally wrong for egging him on, and that in the future, hitting is not a besst solution option. But that, sadly, sometimes it might need to be done. But that still doesn't make it right.

I wouldn't even give him a time out. He's gonna take his own time out while he cries, and will probably go sit in his room for as long he needs to. He'll give himself the best timeout possible. Your son really didn't do much wrong here. He was totally goaded into it. And the tears he's shedding shows that he already hates that he did it, and is punishing himself enough.

Even Bonhoeffer, when he was trying to assassinate Hitler, wrote and felt that it was still a sin. Necessary, and essential, but a sin.

[last1standing]

9. I'm more concerned about who he was calling a bitch.

Boys really will be boys, and fighting, whether verbally, or physically comes with the learning experience. However, when boys feel it's acceptable to denigrate girls, they generally grow up into adults who feel it's acceptable as well.

As for punishment, I would never presume to offer suggestions on how to punish a child I didn't know. What may be a slap on the wrist for one may be nearly torture for another.

Any way it goes, this doesn't sound like a very serious situation. If these kids know each other in a few years they'll be laughing about it while they sneak beers in your basement. :)

[notadmblnd]

14. he was calling my son a bitch

they're 11 and at the age where they swear when they're hanging with each other. I've heard them before and call them on it when I hear it.

[JVS]

15. I doubt that the kids fully understands the meaning of the word bitch

A lot of words are used by kids without them knowing what they mean, for instance when a kid says something sucks, they often don't realize that they are saying that something sucks penises. The word jerk is also commonly used by very young children who have no idea that they are calling a person a habitual masturbator, or even what masturbation is.

When my brother was about that boys age he got in trouble for saying "K-Team is gay" (K-team was a local TV stations name for it's news staff) When he was asked what he meant by that he said it means K-Team is stupid. In the early 80's gay was often used in the schoolyard as a derisive adjective by kids who had no idea what it meant among adults who are conscious of it being a derisive term for homosexual

Similarly when I was 5 or 6 the babysitter had taught us the word "slut" and the only definition that we got out of her was that it was a bad word that meant "a dirty girl" Enjoying my new naughty word, when the coach of my T-ball team asked for suggestions for a team name slut was my suggestion.

[spotbird]

10. Let me in Bitch?

I'm thinking this isn't a kid that is healthy.

You son should receive a slap on the wrist, if any punishment, assuming the other kid agrees that's what happened.

Find other socialization opportunities for the boy.

[Sgent]

12. I agree

Males tend to test their abilities to be physical at younger ages (and older if they don't grow up).

I think its important (and a good time) to talk to hime about the use of violence, when its appropriate, and when its not.

Another thing might be to discuss peer pressure, and strategies for dealing with things thar aren't part of your values. It sould like your son, a non-fighter, was egged on by this knucklehead. Although this happens, your son should learn how to avoid these situations in the future.

[notadmblnd]

33. My sister told him next time

to just invite him out to the snow for a pissing contest.

[tridim]

13. My "friend" hit me in the head with a wood baseball bat

when we were about 8 years old. It was a full swing too, enough to cause a bad concussion. He said it was an accident, but I still don't think it was. He was a complete asshole as a kid, and he still is at 34.

[HEyHEY]

16. Break his toys!

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. LOL!!

HEyHEy, you're the best! Way to bring another thread into this one.

I love references to other threads - kinda like watching a movie, like a Mel Brooks' one, that's full of homages to other movies and inside jokes about other Brooks' movies.

Heh heh.

[JVS]

At least someone likes my ideas!

:-)

[HEyHEY]

18. Seriously after readin your whole thing

DO nothing. He's a boy...one day he'll be a man. And a man has to feel comfortable standing up for himself.
At the age he is at, violence is just the way boys solve things. Nothing can be done about that.
My mother was a Tomboy...once she actually cheered me on for beating up my two buddies on the front lawn... (they deserved it)

I'm a pacifist now...so don't sweat it. I would actually give him a congrats for not taking shit.

[JVS]

20. Nah dude. You gotta get him for letting himself be goaded

You can't let a kid think that being dared into something makes it right

[HEyHEY]

22. I'd punish the other kid for being dumb enough to dare him to do it

[JVS]

24. If it were in self-defence no punishment needed, but giving in and doing..

what you are dared to do is a really bad thing

[HEyHEY]

26. I agree - but I'm a big believer in "Boys will be boys"

Of course I DID end up at the Shielia Morrison School for a summer

[JVS]

30. BWBB explains scuffles, but a kid who accepts dares will get in one heap..

of shit after another. The worst thing about accepting dares is that it is doing something stupid because you are being made fun of for knowing better than to do something stupid. It is a complete abdication of reason!

[notadmblnd]

21. Secrectly, I am proud

I was worried that he was passive to a fault. I've had him work with councelors in the past becaus of his no assertiveness. they've done a great job of helping him build his confidence I guess?

[JVS]

23. The boy must know that doing things on a dare is very wrong

Never should you hand decision making over your actions over to others!

[HEyHEY]

25. What about a double dog dare?

[JVS]

27. Seriously, you cannot accept dares

[HEyHEY]

31. Of course not

But if you can't accept dares I hope you CAN accept being called a pussy.

Seriously though, yeah, you don't want the kid thinking it's okay to do something because his honour is at stake. However, in a case like this, where it sounds as if they were all ready at it for something else. I say, tell the kid not to hit people because the asked him to, but don't punish him..it doesn't sound habitual.

P.S. - sounds like he really socked him

[JVS]

32. A little punishment is not a dangerous thing to add to the blend

just to make sure the lesson sticks

[HEyHEY]

34. Well, I think because the kid and his friend were already fighting

And he was being picked on... he may confuse the punishment for the dare with punishment for sticking up for himself. And as I said, you don't want him to feel like he'll be punished for that.

Maybe just break one toy? :shrug:

[JVS]

35. Well then you explain to the kid that dares are bad as you burn his legos

[notadmblnd]

39. he must have really punched him

or else the kid has a glass nose. I should've taken pictures. you'd a thought it was a murder scene. I'm glad we got it to stop bleeding and cleaned up before his mom got here. She might have had a different attitude if she'd seen all that blood.

[Blue Diadem]

36. I understand your pride in your son sticking up for himself, but

please be careful. I went through something very similar with my son when he was about your son's age. His took place in front of a group of boys who would befriend him one minute then torment him the next. He nailed one of them a good one and the boys left him alone after that. However, he became proud of that fact and little did I realize until he punched a kid in 7th grade and again in 10th grade.

[notadmblnd]

38. I'm not going to mention that little bit to him.

nt

[notadmblnd]

41. It may have been the group of kids that saw him do it

that swelled your sons head. The was just between the two boys, no witnesses. From their stories, it started off with playful shoves and teasing. Cedric is small, fast and agile and James is larger more awkward, isn't good at sports and can't run fast. James said he told Cedric he didn't want to hit him because he was his friend. But he said Cedric mocked him. It's over now and he's in bed. I hope he doesn't have bad dreams.

[warrens]

19. Punish him? What for?

The kid asked him to punch him, he obliged. End of story. They'll make up by the weekend and it will be a big joke.

[wellstone dem]

28. Hopefully the other kid learned an important lesson

I was working with a disabled woman once who had punched a social worker. Everyone said, "be careful" "be careful, she is dangerous." I finally asked her why she hit her social worker. She said the social worker had told her she shouldn't do something. She told the social worker, "You make me so mad I want to hit you." The social worker replied, "Well, why don't you go ahead and do that." So she slugged her.

[The Backlash Cometh]

29. NO! Your son is fine.

You said his dad was the disciplinarian. In my house, I'm the one that disciplines and I noticed that my son would hold back even in sports when I was around because he was afraid I would yell at him if he got too aggressive and hurt someone. One time he fouled a boy in soccer and when the referee called him on it, he looked at me and became withdrawn. I saw immediately that he couldn't judge for himself what to do, so I had to yell out encouragement to be aggressive. I know the parents around me thought I was nuts. But, because he was older than his sister, I went overboard in the toddler years to make sure he didn't accidentally hurt her. Anyway, when he realized in soccer that it was okay to be aggressive, he enjoyed the sport a little more.

In your case, the friend provoked him, so the lesson here was for the friend to learn.

[notadmblnd]

37. apparently his friend has been provoking him for quite a while

and today he snapped. I did make him clean up all the blood so maybe thats punishment enough?

[NV Whino]

40. I think the friend may have learned more of a lesson

than your son. Discuss the situation with him. Ask if, after the fact, he can think of other ways he might have dealt with it.

P.S. Reminds me of the time I slugged a little asshole for stealing my red rubber jack ball. He was two years older--and a boy. I was a skinny little girl. His lesson was his father made him get on the school bus the next day with his black eye that a little girl had given him.

[Hand]

44. Good going!

:yourock:

[Downtown Hound]

42. Honestly, I think you've done enough

You talked to him about why it was wrong and I think he feels bad about it. At some point boys have to learn how to respect themselves. Better that it happen now when he's young and no one gets seriously hurt. If a boy goes his whole life without ever taking that step of not letting himself be bullied, it can be far worse than any hurt he's feeling now. I'm not saying you should say to him, "Good job," but at least now he knows he doesn't have to prove anything now. The next time someone taunts him he'll likely remember this incident and resist it.

I was in one major fight growing up while in the eighth grade. An older boy kept harassing me and my friend while we were walking home from school. He stole my friend's hat and threw it in the garbage can and then shoved his little brother. So I finally decked him, and we fought until we were both bloody and tired. A teacher drove by and saw us and took me back to school, the other kid ran away. I was suspended for five days, but my parents took no action against me because they felt I was defending myself. I never got in another fight in school, despite many times that kids were taunting me, because I had already proved myself and felt I didn't need to do it again. The other boy had been older and bigger, and the fact that I did so well impressed everyone that watched it and I was something of a hero around school for a short time. It's part of growing up. Someday he'll look back on it and laugh, and it's good that he'll be able to have that memory. The recipient of the punch may even be around to laugh at it with him. Who knows?

[neebob]

43. I would just have a talk about what to do instead

and what behaviors might have brought a better outcome.

[Catherine Vincent]

45. "let me in bitch"

Who was this kid talking to?

[notadmblnd]

46. he was talking to my son.

apparently they came in from the outside and his friend was on his way out. They were having words and yelling at each other. Like I said earlier, I heard them yelling but figured they were just rough housing like they always do.

His friend stepped outside and started to yell "let me in" and my son opened the door punched him in the nose and closed the door again. Thats when I heard the "let me in bitch" and knew something was seriously wrong.

I know the boys swear amongst themselves, I've caught them before. Normally they don't do it when they know I can hear.