Let's post funny song lyrics. I'll start:

[JohnnyCougar]

"We look pretty sharp in these clothes (Yes we do!)
Unless we get sprayed with a hose
It ain't bad in the day
If they squirt it your way
Except in the winter when it's froze.
And it's HARD when it hist on your nose (on your nose)"

Frank Zappa - Uncle Remus

[Arkana]

1. My Drugs are Red, White, And Blue

I also like the pink ones...the little green ones too!
When you're on drugs you see things that no one else can see
Like right there! I saw Jesus! And he drives an SUV!

My drugs are red, white and blue
Would you hand all the guns out to someone sniffing glue?
You gotta be on something to push the NRA
I need more drugs to make that Michael Moore guy go away!

My drugs are red, white and blue
This isn't paranoia!...John Ashcroft's watchin' you.
People on drugs are terrorists! Everywhere ya go!
Al Franken's in al Qaeda! Bill O'Reilly told me so!

My drugs are red, white and blue
Me and all my homies party all night through
It's just some pharmaceuticals! It's really not a crime.
The crime is that I can't figure out how to blame it on the Clintons this time!

[LiberalEsto]

4. That's so (sob) BEAUTIFUL.

makes me think of the late 60s

ah, but there are still flashbacks

[skygazer]

2. "You're breakin' my heart

You're tearing it apart
So fuck you"

Harry Nilsson

[B Calm]

6. I remember that song!

[Spider Jerusalem]

3. Tom Waits - "Step Right Up"

Step right up, step right up, step right up
Everyone's a winner, bargains galore

That's right, you too can be the proud owner
Of the quality goes in before the name goes on

One-tenth of a dollar, one-tenth of a dollar, we got service after sales

You need perfume? we got perfume, how 'bout an engagement ring?
Something for the little lady, something for the little lady
Something for the little lady, hmm

Three for a dollar
We got a year-end clearance, we got a white sale
And a smoke-damaged furniture, you can drive it away today
Act now, act now, and receive as our gift, our gift to you
They come in all colors, one size fits all
No muss, no fuss, no spills, you're tired of kitchen drudgery
Everything must go, going out of business, going out of business
Going out of business sale

Fifty percent off original retail price, skip the middle man
Don't settle for less
How do we do it? how do we do it? volume, volume, turn up the volume
Now you've heard it advertised, don't hesitate
Don't be caught with your drawers down
Don't be caught with your drawers down
You can step right up, step right up

That's right, it filets, it chops, it dices, slices
Never stops, lasts a lifetime, mows your lawn
And it mows your lawn and it picks up the kids from school
It gets rid of unwanted facial hair
it gets rid of embarrassing age spots
It delivers a pizza, and it lengthens, and it strengthens
And it finds that slipper that's been at large under the chaise lounge for several weeks
And it plays a mean Rhythm Master
It makes excuses for unwanted lipstick on your collar
And it's only a dollar, step right up, it's only a dollar, step right up

'Cause it forges your signature
If not completely satisfied, mail back unused portion of product
For complete refund of price of purchase
Step right up

Please allow thirty days for delivery, don't be fooled by cheap imitations
You can live in it, live in it, laugh in it, love in it
Swim in it, sleep in it
Live in it, swim in it, laugh in it, love in it
Removes embarrassing stains from contour sheets, that's right
And it entertains visiting relatives, it turns a sandwich into a banquet
Tired of being the life of the party?
Change your shorts, change your life, change your life
Change into a nine-year-old Hindu boy, get rid of your wife
And it walks your dog, and it doubles on sax
Doubles on sax, you can jump back Jack, see you later alligator
See you later alligator
And it steals your car
It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking
It's a friend, and it's a companion
And it's the only product you will ever need
Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing
Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff
Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job
And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange
And it gives you denture breath
And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion
And it gets rid of your traveler's checks
It's new, it's improved, it's old-fashioned
Well it takes care of business, never needs winding
Never needs winding, never needs winding
Gets rid of blackheads, the heartbreak of Psoriasis
Christ, you don't know the meaning of heartbreak, buddy
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon

'Cause it's effective, it's defective, it creates household odors
It disinfects, it sanitizes for your protection
It gives you an erection, it wins the election
Why put up with painful corns any longer?
It's a redeemable coupon, no obligation, no salesman will visit your home

We got a jackpot, jackpot, jackpot, prizes, prizes, prizes, all work guaranteed
How do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it, how do we do it
We need your business, we're going out of business
We'll give you the business
Get on the business end of our going-out-of-business sale

Receive our free brochure, free brochure
Read the easy-to-follow assembly instructions, batteries not included
Send before midnight tomorrow, terms available
Step right up, step right up, step right up
You got it buddy: the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away
Step right up, you can step right up, you can step right up
C'mon step right up
(Get away from me kid, you bother me...)

[swimmernsecretsea]

8. YAY! Tom Waits!

And this is his funniest of his songs! Love it love it love it!

[iamjoy]

5. Wet Dream...

by Kip Adotta. Song is hilarious if you like puns.

It was April the Forty-first, being a quadruple leapyear;
I was driving in downtown Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray,
and it was overheating.
So I pulled into a Shell station; they said I'd blown a seal.
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay, pal?"


While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar.
A real dive. But I knew the owner; he used to play for the dolphins.
I said, "HI GILL!" (You have to yell, he's hard of herring.)

Chorus:

Think I had a wet dream, cruisin' through the Gulf stream.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Wet dream.

Gill was also down on his luck.
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.
I bellied up to the sandbar; he poured the usual: Rusty Snail, hold
the grunion, shaken, not stirred.
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako.
I slipped him a fin, on porpoise.
I was feeling good; I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines.
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal.
What sole. Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna,
"Salmonchanted Evening", and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers,
Probably there to see the bass player.
One of them was this cute little yellowtail, and she was givin' me the eye.
So I figured this was my chance for a little fun.
You know, piece of Pisces.

But she said things I just couldn't fathom.
She was too deep, seemed to be under a lot of pressure.
Boy, could she drink. She drank like a...
She drank a lot.
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium."
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!"

Chorus

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait.
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows."
She threw me that same old line: "Not tonight, I got a haddock."

And she wasn't kidding, either, cause in came the biggest,
meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike.
He was covered with mussels. He came over to me; he said,
"Listen, Shrimp. Don't you come trollin' around here."
What a crab.
This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes.

I turned to him and I said, "Abalone! You're just being shellfish."
Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill,
cause he was already on the phone to the cods.
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook.
He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck,
flat as a mackerel, kelpless.

I said, "Forget the cods, Gill. This guy's going to need a sturgeon.
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend.
She came over to me; she said, "Hey, big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin."

Chorus

Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner;
I took her to dance; I bought her a bouquet of flounders.
And then I went home with her.
And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams.

[Sporadicus]

7. Toast

by Heywood Banks

All around the country and coast to coast
People always say, "what do you like most?"
I don’t want to brag, I don’t want to boast
I always tell ‘em, "I like toast."
YEAH, TOAST!!
YEAH, TOAST!!


I get up in the morning ‘bout six A.M.
Have a little jelly, have a little jam
Take a piece of bread, put it in the slot
Push down the lever and the wires get hot,
I get toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!


Now, there’s no secret to toasting perfection
There’s a dial on the side and you make your selection
Push to the dark or the light and then
If it pops too soon, press down again
Make toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!


When the first caveman drove in from the drags
Didn’t know what would go with the bacon and the eggs
Must have met a genius, got it in his head
Plug the toaster in the wall, buy a bag of bread
Make toast.
YEAH, TOAST!
YEAH, TOAST!


Oui Monsieur, bonjour coquette,
Une croissant? Et vous auvent?
Maurice Chevalier, Eiffel Tower,
Oui Marie, baguette, bonsoir!
FRENCH TOAST!
FRENCH TOAST!


In Chicago or (fill in location).....
TOAST!!!!

[Kikosexy2]

9. "I've learned...

the truth at 17
that love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skin smiles
who married young and then retired!
...sooooo cheesey but love it.

I rode my bicycle passed your window last night
you were there but you weren't alone
aahh sometimes I think that you're avoiding me
I'm okay alone but you've got something I need...
Well I've got a brand new pair of roller skates
you've got a brand new key...

more cheesiness!