My mother has terminal cancer but she is still lucid. Flame me but one of

[no_hypocrisy]

the things going through my mind is we don't know how much time she has and I focus on "Let her make it to the election next year. We need her vote."

Naturally I would choose her not to have to go through all the treatments that seem worse than the disease, and of course, not die. In order to cope with the situation, I think about the potential loss in several ways. A lost vote is one of them.

Last night, she gave me the "death talk" where she told me what kind of service she wants (different from the one my father will probably have). I have to find a Unitarian minister and/or a member of the Ethical Culture Society. Does anyone have any other suggestions for a nontheist memorial service?

Thanks.

[LARED]

1. Consider yourself flamed

Not for nothing but I think a priority check is in order.

[drdon326]

2. I'm speechless

n/t

[Maddy McCall]

3. Are you serious?

Your focus, as you mother dies, is "Let her make it to the next election year. We need the vote." ????

I express my sorrow to your family, while at the same time, I express my dismay at your callous attitude toward your mother's death.

I have been at death's door with my own mother. I can assure you that the last thing I considered was whether or not she would stick around long enough to cast a vote in the next election.

You need to cherish the days your mother has left, and think about how you can make HER REMAINING LIFE better, not how she can make YOUR LIFE better.

Tell me that you didn't really think any DUers would condone your preoccupation at this time with your mother's dying vote. Tell me this, please.

I send a hug to your mother. I hope you will give her the same, and devote a little more time to meeting HER needs.

[drdon326]

5. jchild..

why do i keep thinking about the movie....

WEEKEND AT BERNIES.

[Maddy McCall]

6. at least you made a laugh possible in this thread...

I never woulda thunk it. :hi: doc!

[no_hypocrisy]

4. You're all right. I'm not compensating for my sentiments. I have a lot

to process right now. Maybe I'm shell-shocked. The voting thing is not a predominant thought, just one of the things going through my mind. Thanks again.

[Maddy McCall]

8. I apologize if I scorched you...

I do send you my sympathy in this very hard time for you. I can understand why you might want to minimalize it all down to voting, and I am sure you are a compassionate person who will be with your mother as she needs you.

Hugs to you and your family.

[RC]

9. relax, you are normal

Edit: speling
The flamers don't have a clue or won't admit to having the same type of thoughts in this situation.

Life is for the living and everyone will die someday.
And for you flamers, my mother passed away some time ago and yes I grieved.

[Maddy McCall]

10. Everyone grieves in different ways, RC

I had just not ever heard of this way. I apologized for the flaming--after I thought about what no hypocrisy myst be going through, I realised I was extremely harsh on him/her.

And I am sory about the loss of your mother. May peace be with you.

[liberalnurse]

7. Your are going throught the natural grief stages.

It's quite natural as your desire for her to live until she can cast a vote is called bargining. It is quite healthy.

I am so sorry to hear of your mothers illnes. Our parents are our best friends. She is so very fortunate to have you at her side. Make each moment together a memorable one. May God Bless you, your mother and family.

Liberal Nurse

[liberalnurse]

11. The 5 Stages of Grief.

Here are the 5 Stages of Grief.

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance


You can do a Google search for more details. I could not get the
web site to work.

[Maddy McCall]

12. link isn't working

[liberalnurse]

13. Here is a better link.

Dr. Kubler-Ross defined the stages.....

http://www.planet101.com/5stages.htm

[Maddy McCall]

14. Thanks for providing that.

Great and helpful info :-)

[bandy]

15. Lost my mother this way and

when you are dealing with this all sorts of things go through your mind, some sane, some not so sane. It distracts from reality. What you are probably hoping for is that she lives that long at all since you don't know any better. My prayers to both of you for strength in dealing with what is to come. God Bless you and your family.

[blondeatlast]

16. My dad died in May, and I can say I had very similar thoughts.

Of course those were not the only thoughts I had; I'm sure that is the case with you. Liberalnurse (who oughta know) said it best, I won't attempt to add anything to her post; all I can say is that I am still going through it and she is absolutely correct.

You will have many similar, seemingly trivial, thoughts; I did and still do. I figure it is a way of getting used to my dad not being there.

No flames here; just a shoulder who can empathize.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. I admire your willingness to be honest, and any who flames is dishonest

Part of grieving - and since your mother is knowingly dying, you've most likely actually started grieving already - is being honest with yourself, and your thoughts, and NOT BLASTING yourself for your thoughts. Amazing things will go through your head, some helpful, some not helpful, but all REAL. Acknowledge them, and either set them aside, or embrace them, but never feel shame or remorse for those thoughts.

I wish more people would be as honest as you are being, so that we could more embrace our shared humanity. Anyone who flames you for this is insensitive and dishonest, and only adds fuel to the fire of our fear to acknowledge to our true feelings; we have a lot of shame in our culture about dying and how to treat the dying, like we're supposed to have only good thoughts about the dying/deceased, and that's malarky, and impossible to achieve.

My mother died two years ago, after battling cancer and stopping chemo since it wasn't working any more. So we knew she was going to die - I, too, started grieving as soon as Mom and I spoke about her stopping treatment, and I told her that her decision is good and fine and wonderful, even though I also would have preferred she not died. But we knew there was no hope, and stopping chemo, she could at least spend her last days not throwing up all the time and thus able to eat foods she enjoyed in her life. As Mom was dying, and I was halfway across the country, many thoughts ran through my head all the time, some helpful, some not, but all real. I thought, "Hope she doesn't die on my planned weekend away camping; hope she doesn't die during a major project at work; I hope that we know when she's in her last two or three days, so I can go home and be with her; hope my boss will let me go home to be with her; I will quit if I can't get away; I can't afford to quit, please die at a convenient time; should I go home this weekend to be with her, or wait a week? How much do I have to spend to see her to make the family feel that I've done enough? yada yada yada" (I offer only my selfish thoughts here, not the entire continuum of my thoughts)

Lots of thoughts. I even had thoughts, O God Forbid for the PC people to hear this, but had thoughts of, "If she dies in June, after probate, I'll have my inheritance in December, can pay back my debts, get a new computer..." In her last couple days, holding vigil over her, she lasted a few more longer than expected (though she was not communicative at all, just laying there, dying), and all of us in the family were getting edgy and nervous, asking, "Is she gonna hold on any longer? Why doesn't she die already?" both because it was stressful, all that waiting, and also becuase she was so clearly in pain but almost comatose, we just wanted it to end so she could go home to God and be with Dad.

Come on people, we're human, and these thoughts go though our heads. Doesn't make us evil, or bad, or anything else. Just human. Admit to the feelings and thoughts. Thinking about voting is perfectly natural. You will be amazed at the stuff that comes into your head. I sure was. Just be aware of your thoughts (and it sounds to me like you are, since you felt the need to ask about it, which is always a good sign that you're perfectly fine), and don't kill yourself to stop them or bring on thoughts you think you are "supposed" to have. Be who you are.

Best wishes to you and your mother and your family. Spend some quality time with your mom, tell her you love her, and get her to retell all the stories she can remember, and record them if you can. Enjoy the hell out of your last months together, and say goodbye with love and thanksgiving for a life well lived.

[rasputin1952]

18. Allow me to give you my condolences...

and my hopes and prayers are with you and your family.

I lost my father back in 1965 to colon cancer. The one regret I've had, is that I was not there for the last breath of a man that gave me life and was an integral part of who I am today. The last words my father said to me, were: "Question Authority". That came after a long discussion, before I went to MD for a 'breather', at the end of his two year battle with cancer.

If I may, I would suggest you spend the time you have left with your mother, to 'clear the air'. Talk openly and honestly about whatever comes up. Speak of the good times, and the bad. It helps to cleanse oneself, and the opportunity may not arise again. You might very well regret not having said some of the things you want to say, and get things out and dealt with. Love is a powerful emotion, IMHO, the most powerful. I would have changed places with my father if I could have, but I realize that I have much to offer the world as well. It is the legacy of my father, to continue to work for justice and equality. Because I missed the final hours of his life, I missed many of the opportunities I could have had to express my love and admiration.

You have been given an opportunity....many lose loved ones in accidents or in far away places. Take the time to communicate; it will not only make you feel better, but it will make your mom's experience that much easier.

Once again, my heart goes out to you......may your days be lifted of this burden, and I hope you all find peace amidst the storm.

[brook]

19. Take heart...

from the caring wisdom already posted here.

FWIW, I spent a year or so caring for my mother after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Some mornings she'd say "I'm not ready to die". And I'd say; "Well, it's only Tuesday. Let's talk about it on Thursday." There were many exchanges between us that some might find callous - but we were both struggling to keep as much *life* in dying as we could. It's the biggest roller-coaster you'll ever ride. Don't beat yourself up.

Peace to you both.

[bandy]

21. You are right Brook

those of us who have been there and lost a parent/parents can see what is happening. I could not bear losing a child but it doesn't make the scars any less deep by losing a parent. It's hard to put into words. Here I am 5 yrs later and still wonder if I handled my Mother's illness and death right and would I think and do the same again.

[UrbScotty]

20. Share some laughs.

They say laughter is the best medicine, of course, and studies have proven that true!

There's a whole boatload of jokes on Jokes.com.