Relationship-types: would not being able to bear children kill the deal?

[Robb]

First of all, no, no, and no. :P

On top of everything else I've got in the frying pan, now I've got a dear friend about to end the best relationship he's ever been in because she can't bear children.

Is that common? I can't imagine, but I've never thought about it too carefully, either. :shrug:

[Shell Beau]

1. It is difficult!

I am a woman and I would be devastated if I couldn't have kids and if my husband left me b/c of it. But then again, I also understand wanting to have biological children. I don't know what to say. There is always adoption! Definitely a toughie!!

[yurbud]

2. she doesn't even have eggs?

[LeftyMom]

3. Depends on the circumstances

For me probably not, as male factor infertility is generally easier and less expensive to overcome than female infertility. In any case I've got a kid. It'd be a different issue if I had no kid or was unwilling to go to a backup plan like sperm donation or adoption.

It sucks and it seems really cruel to her, but if he really wants biological offspring that much he should seek somebody who can have them. In the long run, I think she'd be better off without somebody who would resent her infertility.

[Lecky]

4. No!

If I truly loved that person I would stick with them, besides we could always adopt.

[matcom]

5. BONUS!!

as far as I'M concerned!

now i can go to RESTAURANTS!! :bounce:























:P






















:hide:

[XemaSab]

6. Matcom:

Were you born this rude, or did it take practice?

:P

[matcom]

7. many, MANY years

but i kid. I KID!! :P

[XemaSab]

11. Um, in your above post you said

you DON'T kid, and therefore you can go to restaurants.

It's there in black and white.

:P

[eeyore]

8. Not at all....

Actually, my wife and I thankfully agreed that neither of us really wanted to go in that direction. I probably could have gone either way, but she just wasn't really into it.

So, fine, it just gives me more time to do the things I am really passionate about: music, art, and cooking - all of which are major time suckers.

[redqueen]

9. I think it is fairly common, actually.

It's sad, IMO.

So many kids already here who need loving homes. Yet so many insist on only raising their own offspring.

:(

[SOteric]

10. Not for me, but I know people for whom it has.

Most poignantly, for a couple who both agreed they didn't want children, - so she had her tubes tied. Then 5 years later he inexplicably grew some insatiable urge to be a parent and divorced her for a woman with whom he could raise a family.

I think that they're rather the exception, however. I know far more people of both genders that would not consider ending a great relationship over the issue of childlessness.

[ghostsofgiants]

12. They could always adopt.

Rather than increasing the population of an already overpopulated world, take a child who needs a family and give that child a family.

That's what I'd do in such a position anyway.

[Xithras]

13. It did for two of my friends.

One of them was actually engaged when his fiancee was diagnosed with uterine cancer. He stood by her while they did the surgery and they went through the recovery, but left her afterwards. He didn't want to marry someone who couldn't have his children.

As for me, I'm not sure. I was raised in a very large family and have always known that I wanted several of my own (I have three of my own, and we've recently begun the process of adopting a fourth). Never having any children wouldn't have been an option for an instant, and I did break off several relationships with women because they told me they weren't interested in ever having kids.

I probably would NOT break off a relationship with a woman who wanted to have children but wasn't capable, because there are many ways to have one today. Surrogates, IFV, and other options exist which could provide children without us necessarily needing to use her uterus. As long as she was willing to explore those options, I can't see why the relationship would end.

[BlueIris]

14. My last s.o. (of three years) left me because I can't have kids.

Seriously? The sick, demented belief that a person is no longer valuable to you if they can't help you biologically produce children is DISGUSTING. In my opinion, you don't get to call yourself a human being if you think your partner isn't worth loving or caring about if they can't function as a womb/sperm bank for you. People shouldn't look at their would-be life partners as BREEDING DEVICES, they should look at them as partners. How your friend could think that about his partner is mind boggling to me. It horrifies me not so much because he apparently values her only as an object to breed little copies of himself for him, but because of what it says about his inability to look at other members of this society as beings deserving of compassion and respect. What kind of parent will he be if he has an attitude about others that is this callous? Will any children he will no doubt (unfortunately) produce in the future not be worth loving if they can't reproduce? Has he had a fertility workup lately? Would he accept being abandoned by a person he thought cared about him because his reproductive system didn't "work" to another persons satisfaction? 1 in 6 couples in America can't biologically produce children, you know.

Revolting. Simply revolting. I don't know why you'd want to call someone like that your friend. I expect all of my friends to think of their partners as more than walking incubators. I feel sorry for anyone else your friend inflicts himself on.

[Thtwudbeme]

15. Michael can't get pregnant, and I knew that when I married him!

Your friend sounds a bit selfish...or maybe he is looking for a way to end the relationship, and that's just convienient.

[GOPisEvil]

16. Hell no it wouldn't kill the deal.

If we decide we want kids, we can adopt. But, really, I'm not all that fired up to be a dad, at this point.

[chknltl]

17. If everything were on the table in the first place...

...then I believe no deal should have been made to begin with.
He wanted kids then he should have the right to seek a woman who can have kids without being judged selfish.

In a related case, my ex could not have kids. This made me happy but this did not make her happy. She wanted kids, I did not. (Financial reasons)... We split because of this. It is my hope that she found someone with whom she could have kids. Perhaps through adoption or perhaps through new medical procedures or perhaps this new person already had kids or however, it is my sincerest hopes that she got her wish. I feel that it would have been selfish for me to have denied her this.

[Starbucks Anarchist]

18. Hell, it would seal the deal, not kill it.

[gollygee]

19. That's sick

someone who would leave on the basis of that is not someone I'd want to be married too anyway though.

Sick sick sick. There's adoption if you want kids and are unable to have them.

[tjdee]

20. A friend had to deal with this, and thankfully they just got married.

Because I would have had to open the whupass on the jerk he would have been if he let the love of his life walk away from him because of that!

:grr:

[LaurenG]

21. It wasn't love, for love most people would do anything. nt

[Scout1071]

22. No way.

Adoption can be wonderful too.

[Draill]

23. Hmmm

I ended my marriage because of problems in this area. I was never tested but I'm pretty sure I'm the one who had the problem ( I am female). Of course, this wasn't the only reason, but it was a big part of it. I felt 1) that my ex-husband deserved to have kids and 2) that our relationship was more about having a family than just being the two of us together. There were some other factors, but this was a big one. Also, dealing with infertility takes a very, very strong relationship. I think it can really mess with some women's emotions, etc if they find they cannot have a baby, especially if they can't afford a lawyer, etc. to adopt. Now that I'm older, I'm glad I don't have children, but it was hell for a while.

[turtlelowe]

24. My husband and I are facing the possibility we can't have kids

and the only thing that has gotten me through that possibility day in and day out for over a year now has been the fact that my husband is supportive and still loves me. He was adopted and has no problem adopting, should we come to that. He tells me that he married me for me and because he loves me, not for my ability (or lack thereof) to reproduce.

I feel sorry for your friend's wife. It is clear that he has already assessed blame on her. This type of attitude can often make women feel like they are unloved and are married only for their ability to reproduce. Imagine how she must feel.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

25. Like they couldn't adopt?

Is he really so hung up on passing along his own DNA?

There are so many children without families throughout the world...

I had a friend who was nearly dumped because of her inability to have children, but fortunately, the man reconsidered, and they've been married for maybe 15 years now.

[WindRavenX]

26. nope

I don't want my own biological kids-- I want to adopt.

[mainegreen]

27. Since when does genetics a parent make?

I never understood that. Who gives a crap whether or not you kids have this or that string of DNA? Having never actually seen my DNA, I don't.
What you really pass on to your kids thats important are Memes, not genes. Thats what makes your kids yours.