Five years ago today my youngest brother was

[ikojo]

found dead in his apartment. He had not reported to work so his supervisor, knowing his past suicide attempt, called the manager of the apartment building where my brother lived. His supervisor was friends with the manager. The manager called the cops based upon what the supervisor said. The cops, with the supervisor walked into my brother's one room apartment and found him on his bed like he had just fallen asleep.

My brother had always struggled with self acceptance (as have I). He was gay and could not accept that part of himself, having been told that it was a sin. He so wanted spirituality but was of the opinion that his homosexuality meant that it was something he could not have. From childhood he compared our family and himself to others and we and he always came out on the bottom of that comparison. He could never accept himself and that lasted all of his life.

The only time he felt comfortable, he told me, was when he had a bit of alcohol in his system. Then he didn't think about his various anxieties. Like too many people with untreated mental illness he chose to self medicate using alcohol.

I think that what kept me from the same path, was moving down to St Louis and away from the stifling conservatism of central Illinois. St Louis isn't exactly a liberal bastion but OY VEY is it an improvement over anything found in central Illinois. I met activists who accepted me as I am..a child of working class USA. I was able to channel the intense anger I had in my 20s and 30s into political work.

When my brother was in an up mood he was one of the most kind and generous people to be found. I remember it was he who bought me my first game of Trivial Pursuit and sent it to me in the mail.

Jeff, I remember you. I miss you. I love you.

May you have found the peace in death and whatever follows that you never knew in your life on earth.

Jeff
1964-2001

[catbert836]

1. I'm so sorry.

My uncle Jimmy was born this same year as your brother, and died, also by suicide, just two years later. Like your brother, he struggled with self-loathing even though he had a great family, and only felt comfortable after a couple cans of beer or a shot of Jack Daniel's, whichever was closer. This was probably one of the factors which caused his death, along with his wife moving with my cousins to be with her boyfriend.

[ikojo]

6. Wow, how eery!

Jeff worked for a hospital and would often have several days off in a row. He would use that time to drink.

Did your uncle have epilepsy? My brother did and was given some powerful narcotics as a small child. I've long suspected that they didn't know then what those drugs would do to a developing child's brain.

Sorry to hear about your uncle

:hug:

[catbert836]

9. I remember that he did.

Although my uncle was an interior design and construction worker with his own business.

[Metta]

2. Meeting you in your loss.

... don't know quite what to say. I had a brother who distanced himself from the family and died suddenly while being out of touch with us for a long time. I remembered him subsequently and have reworked what was/ wasn't between us which always felt like it cleared the air and resolved what was stuck/unfinished.

I'll just sit here quietly with you awhile.

[ikojo]

5. Thank you so much for your words

[tigereye]

3. oh

:hug:


Here's hoping that more and more people will be able to accept and love themselves the way they are.

[ikojo]

8. Thank you Tiger Eye

Here's also hoping people will stop thinking depression is just feeling sorry for yourself.

[miss_american_pie]

4. I'm sorry for your loss

:hug:

[ikojo]

12. Thank you miss_american_pie

Who thought cyber hugs could help!

[Deja Q]

7. Unless the anxieties were caused BY the ambient environment.

Drugging people is not always the answer. Striving for a proper society would help a boatload of people out.

Thank you for your efforts in trying to improve this world. and I am sorry for your loss.

[ikojo]

11. Thank you Hypno Toad

Yes a more healthy and accepting society would go a long way to healing everyone, even those who think they have to squash those they deem weak just to prove their "strength."

[Skittles]

10. I know the pain, ikojo

my mum found her first born, my oldest brother, dead in his house - he drank himself to death, which I consider a slow form of suicide....I'm wondering if you are able to ever think about him without thinking of how he died - I have not reached that point and doubt I ever will

[ikojo]

13. Skittles, I too, consider alcoholism a slow form

of suicide. No, I cannot think about him yet without thinking that he died too young and the method he chose.

I think more about what could have been had he been able to make it to his 40s and maybe find sobriety and therapy to deal with his inner struggles.

[Skittles]

14. yes, I think of that too

I think of it as a life not lived - just endured. :(

[bertha katzenengel]

15. i offer my sincerest sympathies and love, ikojo

cherish your memories

[ikojo]

16. Thank you Bertha K.

Good Luck on your interview.

[bigwillq]

17. What a terrible loss.

I'm sure Jeff is at peace now.
:hug:

[City Lights]

18. So sorry for all you've been through, ikojo.

:hug:

[RagingInMiami]

19. Your brother was 37 or close to it

The same age I am now. An age where we have had the opportunity to experience the good, the bad and ugly of what life has to offer.

But also an age where people have a whole lifetime ahead of themselves.

Sorry for your loss and I hope one day gay people can be accepted for what they are without being made to feel inferior, abnormal or ashamed.

[bigwillq]

20. I appreciate the comments in your last sentence.

:hug: :hi:

[ikojo]

25. My brother would have been 37 in December 2001

He had just gotten a computer and online. I wonder if he had found an online community, would he still be with us?

Thank you for your kind words.


The disease needing cured is CONSERVATISM.

[UrbScotty]

27. Amen to your last sentence. (nt)

[xchrom]

21. i am so sorry -- i'm sure it's been hard for you to bear.

and i'm sorry that shame and alcoholism seems to have taken the joy from your brother.

that is sad.

being gay is a joy and it's so sad that some can't reach it for the pain they feel or the alcoholism that is killing them or a combination.

[grannylib]

22. Dear ikojo...may you and those who loved and miss Jeff also find peace

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.

Blessings and peace and love to you and yours...:hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

23. I’m so very sorry for your loss

My deepest and most sincere thoughts, prayers, sympathies and condolences to your family on the anniversary of the loss of your brother. No one should ever have go to through this

I’m sorry that the society we live in has all sorts of prejudices, stereotypes, expectations and demands which are totally unfair and which people should not have to be subjected to. I’m sorry that your brother wasn’t able to find the peace and acceptance that he desired in this life

I know that the love, kindness and generosity that he showed to others and the lives that he touched during his all to short time on earth will be his legacy and that he will live on in the hearts and minds of all who knew and loved him. May he rest in peace and may your family have the peace, comfort, strength and love that it needs to get through this anniversary and to deal with the loss of your brother

Once again my thoughts, prayers, love condolences and deepest sympathies are extended to you and your family on this anniversary :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

24. I know you miss your dear brother.

:hug: I have a gay brother as well, and I know all too well his struggle with self-acceptance. My heart goes out to you. :hug:

[UrbScotty]

26. I fam so sorry, ikojo.

:hug: