12-22-03 Joke Thread !

[bearfan454]

We have a new guy at work. He has some funny jokes. Here is one he told me last night at work:

A newlywed couple had been married for 6 months. The wife thought the husband was losing interest in sex because every Sunday the husband would sit in front of the tv and drink beer and watch football for 9 hours straight. She wondered what she could do to get him interested again. She went to Fredericks of Hollywood and bought some crotchless panties. Sure as hell, the next Sunday when football started he had his beer and was watching football. She walked out with just her crotchless panties on and hikes her leg up on the arm of the chair and says - Do you want some of this ? He looked and said - Hell no, look what it did to your new panties.

I told my Dad this joke and he said he already had heard a different version of it.

[BOSSHOG]

1. Two Nuns are involved in a car wreck

Neither of them are hurt. They take their car to a garage for repairs but the mechanic sends them to a fruit stand because he heard Nuns traveled in "Pairs". Get it?

[bearfan454]

2. Nobody has any others ?

[Rowdyboy]

3. Its a little old, but I still love it...

There was a blonde (we'll say female just for the heck of it) sick of all the blonde jokes who cut and dyed her hair in a makeover. One day, while driving down a country road, she saw a flock of sheep. She called the shepherd over and made him an offer. "I have a proposition for you. If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" "Sure" said the shepherd, so the blonde studied the flock for a few minutes and said "382".

"Wow", sadi the shepherd, "thats right! Go ahead and pick out the sheep you won." So the woman went, picked one out, and put it in her car. Then the shepherd said, "Now, I have a proposition for you". "What is it?" said the woman.

"If I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[bearfan454]

4. Good one

[bearfan454]

5. What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down ?

A brunette with bad breath.

[On the Road]

6. Old One

A businessman is commuting to work on the subway one morning. It's crowded and he's being jostled, especially by a seedy-looking guy behind him. He remembers hearing that pickpockets often bump their marks as a way of distracting them while they're making the pick.

So, as the train is coming into the next station, he checks for his wallet. Lo and behold, it's missing! So he turns around, confronts the seedy-looking guy, and demands loudly: "All right, let's have that wallet!" The man looks startled and hands it.

As the businessman walks into the office, his phone rings. It's his wife. She says: "Honey, did you realize you left your wallet on the dresser this morning?"

[RedEarth]

7. Here we go...

Two jokes just in time for the up coming National championship game...

Two LSU fans were driving down to New Orleans for the football game.
The first Tiger fan said, "This is such a long drive...we need to think up a game to play to pass the time away."

The second Tiger fan agreed and he suggested one of them think up a word and the other one could ask up to ten questions to try to guess the word.

The first Tiger fan thought for a minute and decided on the word "MULEDICK". He told the other Tiger fan to start guessing.

The second Tiger fan asked, "Can you eat it?"

The first Tiger fan, said "Well...I guess you can, but it wouldn't taste very good."

The second Tiger fan said...."Is it "muledick?"


.....and one more.....


An Tiger fan went hunting and shot two deer. When he went to the taxidermist,
he was asked if he wanted them mounted.
"No," the Tiger fan replied, "kissing will be fine."



Go Soooooooooooooooners!!!!!!!!!!!

[bearfan454]

8. How can you tell the difference between girl pancakes and boy pancakes ?

By the way they are stacked.

[Ishoutandscream]

9. A Philly Eagle fan was asked

if his team would win the Superbowl this year. The Eagle fan replied, "They already did. They beat Dallas on December 7th."

[MadAsHell]

10. A kinda cute one ...

Five-year-old Johnny comes home from school and his father asks what did you study today. Johnny replies American society but that he doesn't understand. Well, his father says it's kind of like our household. "I'm the President, your mom is Congress, the nanny is the American people, and your little brother Stevie is the future." Johnny nods and his father says "now, I want you to think about that tonight and we’ll talk about it in the morning."

Johnny goes to bed but after a few hours, he awakes to an awful smell. He gets up and discovers that Stevie has messed his pants. He walks down the hall to his parents room and finds his mother fast asleep. After failing to wake his mother, Johnny goes to the nanny’s room only to find his father in bed with the nanny. Dejected Johnny returns to bed.

In the morning, Johnny gets to the breakfast table and his father asks him if he now understands American society. Little Johhny says, without missing a beat, "Yes, It seems that the President is screwing the American people, while the Congress sleeps, and the Future is in deep shit!!"

[Rowdyboy]

11. LMAO

very cute.

[citizen snips]

12. Now that was funny.

:D

[UrbScotty]

13. In honor of the Lion's 24th straight road loss...

Where should you go if there's a tornado when you're in Detroit?

Ford Field. They never get a touchdown! (tornadoes, touching down..,. get it?)

*

What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?

A thief.

*

What do the Lions and opossums have in common?

They both play dead at home and get killed on he road!

[Robb]

14. I think I heard this one here on DU...

...Another nun joke.

Two nuns always took a tandem (two-seater) bicycle to and from the market, and always went by the same route. One day on the return trip there was a funeral making its way down the main street, so they turned down a cobblestone side alley in an attempt to avoid the traffic.

The first nun says "Goodness! I don't think I've ever come this way before!"

And the second nun says "Me neither! I think it must be the cobblestones!"

:evilgrin:

[welshTerrier2]

15. Bert and I

there used to be a great humorist named Marshal Dodge who wrote sketches called "Bert and I" that was a sly satire of country (Maine) humor ... here is one of my favorites:

This old couple went to the Maine State Fair ... they came upon a sign that said "Airplane rides: $100 each" ...

The old timer walked up to the pilot and said "Young feller, that's a little pricey for such a small little plane, don't you think? I don't have that kind of money, anyway ..."

The pilot made the old timer and his wife the following offer: "Okay, old timer, I'll tell you what I'll do ... I'll take you and your wife up in my plane for free if you promise not to say anything or even make a sound while we're in flight ... but one peep, and you have to pay for the flight."

The old timer and his wife talked it over and agreed to the terms of the deal.

So, up they went ... well, the pilot knew a good deal when he saw one and decided to scare the hell out of the couple ... he did nosedives and loop-de-loops and wing-over-wing rolls ... after about 15 minutes of this, he finally landed the plane ...

The pilot said: "I've gotta hand it to you old timer ... i was sure i could get you to scream ... i can't believe you didn't make any sound at all!!"

The old timer replied: "Ayuh, but you almost had me there when my wife fell out ..."