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This is geared toward guys and should be looked at as a 'survival guide' to the dreaded 'Christmas shopping rush'. I certainly invite you ladies to hang around in order to better understand the pain and anguish that we guys go through this time each year. The insight you gain may incline you to be merciful, after all.
There are a number of things working against guys when it comes to Christmas shopping. First, most of us are procrastinators when it comes to things we don't enjoy. Christmas shopping ranks third in the long list of things that I dread, falling right behind root canals and athlete's feet.
Secondly, most guys are just not very good shoppers. There's something in the makeup of our genes that prevents us from getting down on all fours to dig through a stack of clothing to find just the right size pair of pants. Women, on the other hand, can stay in that position for the entire length of a 100-foot-long rack of clothing and not only find the right size, but also the perfect color.
OK, guys, give it up and just admit that you're helpless and don't have the first clue; once you do, the Christmas shopping process will be much less painful. Trust me on this.
During a solo shopping trip a few days ago -- my first of this holiday season (*blush*) -- I couldn't help but notice that the majority of the shoppers were also guys. It was also evident by the "deer-in-the-headlight" look that most of the guys didn't have a clue about what they were doing, let alone any idea of what they were looking to buy. It was a sad spectacle indeed.
After watching this painful experience and realizing that tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I have decided to offer a few quick tips for male DU-ers who still don't have their Christmas shopping completed (you know who you are).
First, you have to toss the denial aside and admit that you're not a 'born shopper' and also that you never will be one, OK? Once this soul-cleansing process is completed, you'll be able to proceed ahead with a guilt-free conscience and a semi-enjoyable shopping experience.
The next, and undoubtedly most important step, is to seek gift-buying advice from a FEMALE family member or friend of that special person on your Christmas shopping list. You see, while we talk to our buddies about how well the St. Louis Rams played Sunday or that 10-point buck we killed last month, most women actually talk to each other and to their friends about Christmas presents they'd like to have. Yes, I know it's a bizarre concept, but trust me, it's the truth.
Remember, the person you ask for shopping advice must be a woman, otherwise you would be seeking help from someone just as clueless about Christmas shopping as you are, and that would be rather pointless, wouldn't it?
The next step, also an important one, is to make sure you have a cellular phone with you at all times when you enter the shopping mall area. If you don't have a cell phone, you're first shopping stop should be to buy one. Just consider it your 'lifeline' to the outside world.
Trust me, when you're standing bewildered in the middle of that busy, bustling aisle, with screaming children terrorizing their parents and other shoppers pushing and shoving and canned holiday music driving yoiu to homicidal urges, you'll realize the importance of being able to seek help from someone who remains outside the 'combat zone'.
The third leg of this shopping guide for you guys is to familiarize yourself with a little items known as the 'gift certificate'. Once you get the major gift your friend has told you to buy out of the way, gift certificates are a can't-miss remedy. The special lady in your life would much rather have a gift certificate where she can purchase what she wants rather than some horrific gift you're not qualified to purchase and one she will most likely return Dec. 26 at 6:00 a.m.
Dogs have long been considered man's best friend. While that may be true from January through November, in December I'd have to vote for gift certificates ahead of any dog, no matter how distinguished or noble its pedigree or breed.
Another thing we guys can do to make it appear we're not leaving the shopping totally up to the wife/significant-other is to volunteer to make a trip to the store to purchase groceries and holiday supplies. It's hard to screw up buying soda, crackers, cheese, chips, dip, foam cups and plastic utensils, right? He or she will appreciate your thoughtfulness, and you may earn enough 'good behvior credit' to balance out other screw-ups. Hint: make a list and take it with you.
To show that I was in the Christmas spirit, I recently made this offer and returned home about an hour later with more than 10 sacks of holiday goodies. Tony quickly surveyed what I'd purchased and pointed out seven mistakes I'd made. "This is about two-thirds of what I asked you to get," he said in his best sarcastic voice, but then gave me a hug (See? It works!). I was elated, because it my best performance ever.
The final instructions I have for guys concerns the layout of shopping malls. I don't consider it a coincidence that when the idea of shopping malls was conceived that somebody came up with the plan of including adjoining anchor restaurants. Of course, each of those restaurants has a bar area that sells adult beverages and televisions that show all-sports, all-the-time. I have to believe that idea was conceived not by an architect or a marketing expert, but by some guy -- a guilt-ridden, shopper-wannabe just like you and me -- who understood that male shoppers sometimes need a place of refuge during the perplexing and troubling Christmas shopping season.
From my little corner of the world to yours, Merry Christmas, guys!
;)
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