How hard am I supposed to try to be grateful for this present?

[jilln]

My dad always makes Xmas as difficult as possible, refusing to tell me what he wants and giving me lots of stuff I don't want, despite repeated requests to either not give gifts or just give donations to charities we each pick out.

Every single useless item in my house was a gift from him (crystal vase - do I EVER have flowers, and this is my third vase from him).

So this year I tried a new strategy - told him EXACTLY what I wanted in great detail. A solar bike light with certain specifications.

So he got me a solar bike light. Except only the part for the front of the bike, which is the least important part, and it's not really a bike light but a "solar emergency kit" with radio that comes with a bike mount as an afterthought and isn't terribly adjustable so it might not even light the road. He lives in a smaller place and that's the best he found, but if he would start BEFORE Christmas Eve maybe this wouldn't happen. He starts late every year because the arguing over presents (none/charity/what do you want/no, what do YOU want...) isn't done til the last minute.

I was trying really hard to like it anyway, and kind of liking the idea of the radio, but when I tried out the mount it broke immediately (one very thin cheap plastic piece). So now I have to make the uncomfortable trip to return this junk and I'll be forced to tell him I really don't want another instead of just dropping it all off at Goodwill like I usually do on my way out of town.

I said I didn't want any junk food, and he got me over 9 POUNDS of candy. I kid you not.

I know I should be grateful I get anything at all, but the whole thing has just become such a source of stress at this point...

[wildhorses]

1. please...try to laugh

it is a funny post when one reads it from the outside looking in...


dads can be so clueless...


















no wonder in the south we invented the bless their hearts phrase

[coffeenap]

2. How about letting go--tell him thanks, don't tell him it broke,

leave it alone. He is alive, he cares about you, forget the details--they are meaningless. (Said with care, not with disdain, btw.)

[leftofthedial]

3. my dad died when I was 11

I wish he was here for Christmas. Even if it was just to give me gifts I don't like.

[BOSSHOG]

22. Roger that Teammate

My Mom died when I was 11 in 1966; and I haven't stopped missing her ever since. All I'd want would be a hug.

[jilln]

34. And you were never frustrated with him for even a single second?

That's really wonderful.

[leftofthedial]

36. you know, that was 40 years ago

I'm sure I wasn't too keen on being punished, or fond of his work taking him away for long periods. I do remember being really pissed one time when he didn't start me in a Little League game (he was my team's coach).

It's hard to remember. But I still miss him. Especially on holidays.

[Bridget Burke]

53. I don't remember being frustrated with my Father...

Because I was 4 when he died. My mother's last years were more stressful; she made into her early 70's & had numerous physical problems. Some exacerbated by a violent crime, in the last year of her life.

But I've been free of any parental stress for 10 years now. Lucky me!

[FedUpWithIt All]

39. Mine also died when i was eleven...

:hug:

Hard this time of year.

[undeterred]

4. my dad died in 1992

I'd be thrilled to have 5 minutes with him.

[Nickster]

20. Weird, mine too. n/t

[comsymp]

23. '01 here

And I would, too.

[lildreamer316]

35. '94 here-

never got to see his grandson (hell; he thought I didn't want kids--and I didn't!).

[ThingsGottaChange]

5. Try to remember

that someday he won't be around to give you these useless gifts. You will miss them terribly then.

[Nickster]

21. I still have some of the "crazy" gifts that my grandma gave us every year. Always makes me smile to

see them.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

6. Some people are just clueless about gifts

At least he tries. Appreciate the thought behind it.

At least it doesn't look as if he's trying to manipulate you into doing something he wants you to do, like a parent who gives a football to a son who isn't interested in sports or children who give their mother a set of cookie sheets, when they know she doesn't like to bake.

Now those are BAD presents!

[skygazer]

7. Harder than that

I think what you need to do is explain to your father that you hate everything he gets you, that you don't appreciate what effort he does put into it and that you feel no gratitude whatsoever for them.

That should do the trick.

And I always thought a gift was something one gave out of love, not obligation to get exactly what the other person wanted. Silly me.

[Oeditpus Rex]

17. !

:applause:

[jilln]

18. You can think that's how it is

But that's not what I said and that's NOT how it is. I appreciate that he tries and that I get anything at all, but the whole thing has become more stressful than anything else.

Get off your high horse.

[idgiehkt]

27. I imagine that there are more people that really understood your post

than are posting here. Sometimes when a thread starts to go a certain way, people who dissent won't post because they are afraid of disagreeing with the mob. (Not me, lol, sometimes to my great disadvantage). Just know there are alot of people out there like us who really hate to see our loved ones throw their money away on useless crap because of societal dictates. It's really such a shame, but the Gods of materialism are happy.

[jilln]

33. Exactly

Especially when there are so many others who have so little and could really use the money.

I just came from lunch at a pizza buffet... at least half a pizza left uneaten on every table. It makes me sick.

[Vanje]

51. You asked.

[AngryAmish]

8. Be kind

My father tried his best. I try my best. We are just not good shoppers.

Be grateful that your father wants you to be happy. Not every failed gift is an insult. To hold a parent to a perfection standard is very adolescent.

[alarimer]

9. My grandmother gives presents like that

She means well; she really does, only the gifts are so .... odd.

This year she gave me a set of makeup bags. Now, I am 38 years old and never in my life have I worn makeup. She gave everyone else scarves; she at least had the good sense not to give me one since I live in Texas and could not possible use a scarf but still. The bags are also pretty ugly but I have stumbled upon an alternative use for them though so it is not completely useless. All the various things I do use: toothpaste, deodorant, floss, aspirin. One of them is even big enough to hold all the cords for my various electronic devices, but it is still very funny.

She gave my mom a denim shirt, which would be fine except that it had yarn flowers sewn onto it. She might have done it herself but I am not sure. Well, hell, it is the thought that counts, righ? And we at least get a laugh out of it. At least she didn't get my dad another golf shirt. She did get gift cards for my dad and brother. You'd think she'd get them for everyone; it is way easier especially now that it is harder for her to get around these days.

I would just laugh about it (not to his face, mind you). Like we do. It's become a running gag in our family. I swear she does it on purpose. And we always say : Thank you, Grandma for the tea set/golf shirt/ other strange gift.

[bertha katzenengel]

29. My Grandma came out of her bedroom one year, bearing her gifts:

Big family xmas at her house in 1983. She walked out with her arms full of:

Rolls of 110 Film
Free drugstore calendars & bank pens
Painted plaster frogs, rabbits, etc.

She died in October. I have been remembering those crappy gifts with great fondness today.

Not to give you a scarf? Now that was thoughtful. :)

Happy new year

[lildreamer316]

38. Oh; makeup bags are great!

'cause they are SO versatile! Use them for small food items/lunch bags (they look fairly cute and trendy); I've even used them for baby food and bottles; or baby cleaning supplies/medical stuff.
I had a couple black ones husband even used with small pieces of dj equipment. Car cleaning supplies/car maintenance supplies (so they don't spill or roll around in the trunk; whatever).
Storage for jewelery; even hang them (if they are that type) in the closet from a hangar.
Storage for delicates (if you have any; if you're like me you don't have much but a couple of pieces for special occasions; so they don't need to be with the "regular" underwear anyway; they don't run the risk of getting torn up).
Storage for ANYTHING small-great for organizing closets. Bows for gifts? Small gifts? Odds-and-ends mementos? Scrapbooking pieces? Fabric pieces?
Sorry. I could go on and on.
Have fun!

[idgiehkt]

10. I got junk food too

Every year I tell my family, do not buy me stuff. I don't want things. I really don't. With me it's almost a psychiatric condition, lol. I have terrible problems with gastric reflux (I was medically diagnosed with it in '92 before anyone had even heard of it), and the worst things to aggravate it are red sauce and chocolate (which also wrecks my skin). Stupid me, I really did believe that this year I had finally convinced my family not to buy me gifts. Instead, among other things, I got a huge bag of chocolate candy and a half a gallon of salsa. These things make me feel really, really guilty, because no one in my family is rich, and it upsets me that they spend ANY money on me that they could spend on themselves or save, which I think is probably where you are coming from. I have gone through this every year of my adult life, and I am 38. My sister and her boyfriend gave me cash, which is great because I am gonna put it into a money order and give it back to them on their wedding as a wedding present, so that's taken care of. Tacky, but whatever, I don't won't a gift from her particularly. The food I will take to one of the office buildings I clean and leave it in the break room and that will be that.

I wouldn't worry about people telling you how to feel about this, you feel how you feel about it, and that doesn't have anything to do with how you feel about your Dad as a person. If you are like me, it's probably because you care so much that you don't want him to waste his money or time. I guess that he enjoys the thing of wrapping presents up and giving them. It drives me nuts though, because I think the whole thing is a scam, down to the wrapping paper, ribbons and greeting cards (there goes the rainforest). I think Christmas is to materialism what sugared cereal is to carbohydrate addiction; something to get the kids started on really early in life so they'll be hopelessly hooked on it by the time they grow up and won't question it or won't be able to stop.

[jilln]

37. I absolutely do ACT like I like the stuff

I just think it would be a whole lot nicer if we didn't have to act around each other. I've tried to make that simpler by suggesting no gifts or gifts to charity, and he refuses. I understand it makes him happy to get me stuff.

And thanks, no, I'm not going to pay attention to anyone here telling me how I am supposed to feel and calling me a whiner. It's OK to be frustrated with family and feel like they don't listen to you at times.

PS - I'll trade you one huge keychain (I only have 3 keys and I like that they fit in my pocket easily), 9 pounds of candy and a broken but usable solar emergency kit for the salsa!

[idgiehkt]

40. ROFLMAO!!! It's a deal!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:



Hmmm, let's see. You can have the salsa, and I'll also throw in the fugliest pair of black/gray/white striped socks you've ever seen and some kind of herbal 'mug warmer, room-smeller-upper' thing as well. ;)

[jilln]

43. Where have you been all my life?

I got white socks that are specifically made to sleep in. I have 3 dogs and wooden floors. They are NEVER clean. If I ever wear these, they will be ruined the first time. They are yours in exchange for the fugly socks. I wear boots a lot so they will never even be seen.

And the room-smeller-upper thing might help mask my home's usual doggy aroma ;-)

From now on we just exchange gifts after Xmas, OK?

[idgiehkt]

44. Deal

you know, it might be fun to have a kind of get together with friends and just throw all the junk in the middle of the table and see if anyone can actually needs or wants any of it. :)

[deepthought42]

11. 9lbs of candy....wow

It's like my parents keep buying me pints of ice cream, even though I never eat them. *shrugs* I don't know. I like to put a little thought into what I'm giving someone as a gift, just because I don't like to give useless gifts.

I don't suppose he'll ever catch on, and at least he is thinking of you...I'm really not in a position to give advice, so do whatever you think will work best, and enjoy spending time w/the family! :hi:

[uppityperson]

12. a gift is something the giver wants to give.

Gifts are what a giver wants to give, and once given they become the property of the receiver who can then do whatever they want with them. Or else they are not truly gifts.
Lowering expectations helps I have found. I got a whole bunch of candy, even though I specifically told MrUP I wanted none, but he will enjoy eating it and it is just the habit he has developed. Thanks sweety, here you go help yourself.

[SOteric]

13. People are different.

There of us who tries to varying degrees of success to select a gift that is appropriate and desire by the recipient.

There are those who feel giving any gift at all is tantamount to blackmail and rebel against the entire process.

And there are those who feel the objective in giving a gift is the act of giving and the specific gift is irrelevant.

I won't tell you to 'be grateful' since you've already indicated you're having a hard time doing that and I suspect you don't have an on/off switch for your emotional responses. As convenient as that might be. I'd ask you instead to consider reframing your definition of exchanging gifts in specific regard to your father. For him, apparently, it doesn't matter what he gives you, the act of having given you something is his excentric little way of showing you he loves you. He doesn't like to shop, he puts it off as long as possible, but for you, - he'll do it.

For everyone else in your life, you can continue to select and hope for gifts which have some specific meaning or value to you. For your dad, it's the act of giving and not the gift which is important. He may very well be a goofball, but he's a goofball who loves you.

[NV Whino]

14. I think parents are clueless

once you get out of the toy stage... and maybe even before then.

I used to go to the extreme measure of not only describing in detail what I wanted but giving them the model number and how much it cost. I also included the caveat that if it was more than they wanted to spend, just give me money toward the item. Never worked. They always got a different/cheaper version of whatever i asked for.

We finally resolved the issue by them giving me money and me reporting what I spent it on. Sometimes I invented presents when I actually used the money to pay bills. But the result was, everybody was happy.

[Dangerously Amused]

15. I have a friend who enthusiastically appreciates every gift she receives.

Years ago, shortly after I witnessed her unwrap something I knew very well she didn't like, I (privately) asked her how she could be so convincing in her grattitude. I think she was kind of hurt by my comment (smacks self upside head) as she explained that she looks at every gift, no matter what it is, as something she didn't have before. A net gain. And now she is free to do with it as she pleases, to keep it if it is something she likes or give it to another who will appreciate it if it is somethig she doesn't like and then her gift becomes the joy of giving.


I learned a lot that day.

[cwydro]

16. A very good attitude.

I appreciate every gift I get also.

[Dr Fate]

25. I agree with that- giving to Goodwill or The Salvation Army is an option too...

...it makes you feel good- not all is lost afterall.

[lildreamer316]

41. Exactly!

I thinktto myself: "Now; who do I know who could use this?"
I do not "regift" as such; because if I give it to a friend I do so unwrapped; and/or explain that I'm not going to use it; so it will be obvious I'm not trying to get behind-the-back "points" for giving a gift when I did not go to the store and pick something out with them in mind; etc. I am just glad to be able to give someone something they can USE instead of it cluttering up my house and not doing any one any good. If it improves anyone's quality of life one bit; then we all are doing better. Crazy way to look at it; but it makes me feel useful.

[OllieLotte]

46. Now, that is a neat friend.

Class.

[baby_bear]

19. I pretended to like what I got from my husband

He gave me cardigan sweater (that no doubt was fairly expensive) with faux pearls and beads on it that I at first could not even pretend to admire. But he went out for awhile and I thought how ungrateful I must have come across, so I got dressed up in something the sweater would go with and asked him to take me out to our favorite place for a Christmas drink. He was thrilled that I was wearing it and that I seemed to like it. At the bar, when he was in the restroom, I asked the bartender to compliment me on the sweater when my husband was back in the room, which he very nicely did. It was really kind of neat; even though there was some dishonesty involved, all it was meant to do was to make my husband feel good about himself, which it did.

That was my best Christmas gift to him, I think. And it was good for me, too!

So, maybe it's just best to act grateful and you just might find yourself feeling it for real.

b_b

[Dr Fate]

24. Hey- that was sweet- great story. Best response so far. n/t

n/t

[baby_bear]

32. Well, thanks!

I have a feeling this sweater already has sentimental value, and you know what else, it's so tacky looking that
maybe it's camp! It's a fine line...

b_b

[auntAgonist]

26. Your husband is

one lucky guy!

What a wonderful thing you did for him.

:hug:
thank you for sharing this very touching story, it actually made me cry :)


aA
kesha

[baby_bear]

31. Gee, and he thinks that I'M the lucky one....

At least that's what he tells me!

I suspect we both know we're lucky.

Thanks for your note, auntAgonist!

b_b

[bertha katzenengel]

28. Well, I'll say it.

Others have made diplomatic responses. But I'm going to ignore my usual reticence to post a negative response. Yeah, I don't know your history with your dad. But I've learned that posting stuff like this without a backstory makes you fair game. So here's what I have to say.

[Bunny]

30. I agree bertha. That's how I read it too.

[InvisibleTouch]

42. Honestly, I can understand your annoyance.

Despite all the people saying "just be grateful," or "it's the effort that counts," I'd be inclined in your situation to be annoyed too. And I've been in your situation, come to think of it. If I've very explicitly made clear what I do and do not want (considering that I was asked, in the first place!), and the person still gets it wrong, drastically and repeatedly, I translate that into "You don't care enough about me to pay attention and get it right." Now, I don't know if that's part of your irritation with your dad, but that certainly would be (and has been) my reaction. Because it's inconceivable to me that someone who genuinely wants to give the perfect gift, would go so far out of their way to get it wrong. It comes across, to me, as either deliberate, or some kind of subconscious passive-aggressive statement.

Incidentally, don't feel bad about re-gifting stuff that you totally have no use for. It's clutter in your home, where it might bring joy to someone else. And once it's given to you, it's yours to do with as you wish.

[jane_pippin]

45. My dad has given me a "Big Mouth Billy Bass,"

a "singing Santa Homer," and so, so many gifts that are useless and tacky that I can't even remember half of them, as well as good attempts at things I wanted that are just wrong enough to be essentially worthless. (I needed a booklight, and he got me this smallish, wall-mounted floodlight that flashed seemingly of its own accord and had a setting that lit up whilrling orange lights like on emergency vehicles. He thought it was more "fun" than a booklight.) I used to get really pissed, but lately I've learned to just laugh about it and know he means well. He even stepped on and broke what turned out to be a nice ceramic decoration thing my mom was giving me a few years back. He means well. He's just not that good at picking out gifts. Or avoiding stepping on them.

I know it's hard, but try to understand that he's probably doing the best he can to give you things that he thinks you'll like. Not giving anything or giving to chairty might not feel right to him because you can't see it or hold it, and that just doesn't seem "gifty" if that makes sense. At least, that's the explanation I got from my dad. Try not to stress about it, even though I know first hand that isn't always easy to do. Just try to enjoy the time you have with him and remember that it's just a thing, and it's not the thing that's important in the whole scheme of things.

[crim son]

47. I've noticed that there are good gift-givers and bad gift-givers

and I don't expect them to change, no matter what I say. While I may occasionally be disappointed I am never surprised :)

[gmoney]

48. My dad kind of does the opposite

He tends to buy "too nice" for me... maybe it's a personal problem on my part, but I hate having overpriced things, even if they're gifts.

He asked if I could use a camera bag, and I said "if you have a spare in the garage, that would be nice." (He's probably bought 50 camera bags in his life, and I'd bet there are at least six in his garage no longer being used.) He then asked if I had a list, so I printed out my Amazon gift list and gave it to him (last minute, but it was full of stuff he could get at Best Buy or B&N, both right near his house).

So, what does he do? He goes out and BUYS a new camera bag at the boutique camera store. It's nice, but it probably cost $140 or so, when I'm sure they had some that would do the job for $40 at Best Buy, or for free in his garage. And nothing from the Amazon list. Also AFTER we'd declared a $30 limit on gifts.

A few years ago, he bought me this suede and canvas bag thing, not quite luggage, not quite a backpack. Cost close to $200, and at that time, I had no use for it. I could not abide the idea of a $200 bag sitting in my closet, so I asked him to take it back. It's not like he's wealthy... he's not poor, but he doesn't have a lot of money to throw around. I realize he's trying to tell me that I deserve these nice things, and that he wants me to have them. I just can't get around it.

It's so rare I get a gift that's of any use to me at all, and I feel so ungrateful when I get something I don't want and feel bad about even possessing that I've just asked people to not get me anything. I'm almost there...

[astral]

49. Useless gifts can come in handy . . . .

I bought a lady a fleece robe because she's my mom's bud and she's been of ill health lately and, well, truthfully, I just wanted to get her "something." And it was three days til Christmas and I didn't know what else I could find that would work. I just wanted to have something to give her and my mom came with me and we had it be from both of us. She insisted on giving us 'something' and is the type of person who wraps miscellaneous inexpensive gifts without labels so she has something to grab and hand someone on short notice. (One year for me it was a bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. I felt bad thinking she probably bought that for herself and would want it more than I did!)

So this time I was trying to fend her off and say no, she doesn't have to give me something just because we gave her something! (She also is pretty low on cash.) She was only in the same mental trap that I was and I wouldn't let her have her way. . . . so she grabs some costume jewelry glass bead necklace and insists on putting it ON me, and I let her do it. Home again, I took of the necklace and tossed it on the table and lo and behold not long later I realized I wanted to give 'gifties' to two people who were going to be dropping by from out of town that I did not think about before. I had some giftie things (lotion tin / candle / fancy-dancy locally made soaps) and I grabbed that necklace and tossed it into a gifty bag with some Burts Bees sampler thingys for the 6-year-old recipient. Turns out she LOVED it! She already had on two necklaces and proudly added this one to her neck, and clearly was thrilled to get it (6-year olds can't fake that kind of thing!)

So, just let the Christmas Spirit that's pushing us all around push here and there, go with the flow, try not to spend more than you feel happy about spending, and let it go . . . . .


It's a force, it's a calling, it's an incoherent urge which cannot be denied.

But, you must let each person be who they are give what they want and find their own way. . . . .

Next year in our family Christmas is Canceled. Mama told me so. I think it's fine with me : )

[Phentex]

52. Nice response!

:)

[Vanje]

50. He tried.

My dad died a year ago August.