Okay kids, it's time again for...JACK BAUER FACTS!

[kay1864]

Jack Bauer Facts

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down. Jill was a ****ing terrorist.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

The only reason you're conscious right now is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

There were originally five horsemen of the apocalypse. Jack Bauer said he would travel by foot.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a gun under the pillow. But he could kill you with the pillow.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

When life hands Jack Bauer Lemons, he kills Terrorists. Jack Bauer ****in' hates lemonade.

Nostradamus once predicted in his journal: "In the century 21st, the one known as Jacques will be the savior of the world... five seasons in a row." Moments later, Jack Bauer knocked down the door, shot Nostradamus in the kneecaps, and yelled "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!"

As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there's no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer can eat just one Lay's Potato Chip. Don't tell Jack what he can't ****ing do.

Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people. Then Jack snapped Chuck Norris' neck into 24 pieces.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Superman has Jack Bauer pajamas.

Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days’ time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

In grade school, a little boy punched Kimberly Bauer, and Kimberly ran home to tell her dad. That little boy's name? Stephen Hawking.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Old Faithful, located in Yellowstone National Park, is actually caused to erupt by Jack's blood pressure.

It's no use crying over spilt milk...unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street...no one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the Pill can stop Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Jack Bauer isn't around?

If Jack Bauer shot you while quail hunting, it wouldn't be an accident.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

Jack Bauer shops at Costco... without membership.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.