I think I'm going to have to end a friendship that is 30 years old.

[gbate]

She has turned into a judgmental, conservative Fundie and I have been purposely limiting my contact with her because of it. In the past I had considered her a spiritual mentor, but I'm over that now.

Last night's conversation was the last straw. She accused my husband of not being a good enough Christian father and implied that the reason we are having problems with my 17 year old is because we didn't raise him in a strong Christian home.
My 17 year old son is her godson.

I am mad and sad at the same time. I don't want to end things, but her lack of support and finger-pointing put me over the edge.

Anyone have any similar personal stories?

[Droopy]

1. Kids sometimes have problems no matter their upbringing

And I don't think that religion has anything to do with it. I have an uncle who is a Christian and a Democrat, but his son who is about your son's age is having problems.

I would definitely end the friendship if you have talked to your friend about this. If you have not talked to her, do so and tell her why you want to end the friendship with her. Tell her how badly she has insulted you. She may change her tune. Probably not, but it might be worth a shot.

[NewJeffCT]

2. I know, compare the Bush children to Chelsea Clinton

One is an accomplished young woman, the other two have naked drunken hotel romps in South America.

[gbate]

4. Actually, religion has a lot to do with this.

I consider myself a progressive Christian. In my friend's eyes, every religion that is not conservative Christianity is a false religion. She has insulted me in the way I have chosen to raise my children by insinuating that our religious beliefs and values resulted in my son's problems (which, btw, is most likely undiagnosed depression). She told me flat out that every mental health issue is related to our "sin nature" and that my husband is to blame for not being a good enough Christian parent. That is unacceptable!!

[Divine Discontent]

32. at least he has a Dad

that should make her shut up, so to speak... isn't that what fundies clamor about all the time! as long as he's not hurting him, and at least talks to him from time to time, well that's about what the rest of us got! I loved my Dad even though he wasn't perfect.

[Catfight]

3. I've let go of a few friendships lately that just ceased to work for me anymore.

One was a 7 year friendship that progressively became toxic for me, she was judgmental and critical to the point I felt like crap around her. Friends uplift you and champion you, not highlight your faults all the time. They are there to tell you the truth but not interpret the truth as they see it. Some friendships are too much work and not fun.
If you haven't talked to her, I'd give her one more shot and explain to her if she doesn't butt out of your parenting and if she continues to join the league of judgmental hypocritical christians, you will close the door on the friendship to make room for positives ones in the future.
My experience for ending toxic friendships was positive in every way, almost immediately new people entered my life that were real and fun to be with. Closing doors opens doors for other opportunities to meet new friends. Let it go if it's not working for you.

[hyphenate]

5. Not only do I have a similar story

but I lived through the exact same situation as you are going through. The only difference is that I don't have a husband or child for the fundie to go off on.

My friend was a teacher who threw all common sense away and became a fundie. She began to get irrational, pushing her agenda on to me and others in her family. The final straw for me was when she spent much of 2006 corresponding with some fuckjob prison guard in Kentucky online, and then dropped the rest of her life and took off for Kentucky to marry the asshole without ever having met him. In my mind, a 6 month correspondence does not equal enough time to run off and get hitched to him. He also fueled her "god-given agenda" from what I've found out, and the little bit of my old friend was obliterated.

We'd been friends for 22 years.

It sounds like your friend is far more assertive than mine, and that's not right either. The tired old cliches of "people who live in glass houses...." and "he who is innocent casting the first stone...." come to mind--you know, those bible phrases that these fundies are supposed to follow, but only do so when it's convenient for them. The rest of us don't pretend to have all the answers, but we also don't hypocritically pretend we're better than everyone else.

I would say good riddance to smelly garbage, and reclaim your freedom from such opinionated drivel coming from someone who thinks they're better than you.

[KatyaR]

6. I've pretty much ended a 38-year friendship, but it wasn't over religion.

I won't get into why, because I really don't understand why myself other than this person, someone I was supposed to be closer to than anyone, wouldn't stand up for me when I was very ill and needed help. She still calls one a year or so, but I just don't have the desire to see her anymore. The last time I did made me a wreck for weeks afterwards.

It's hard, but I still have enough anger left in me, even after 6 years, that I really don't give a rat's ass. I barely have enough emotional strength to get through the day--I don't need to relive the devastating time I had 6 years ago just to make her feel better about herself. She has more than enough friends who will drop everything for her if she has a sniffle--she doesn't need me anymore. Everyone thinks she walks on water, anyway, and I pretty much feel like the dregs of the earth, so we really aren't that compatible anymore anyway.

I'm sorry for your loss. I, too, would be extremely upset if the person I had chosen as a godparent became that cruel and judgmental, but you are probably better off to end the friendship now before it totally gets out of hand.

[lildreamer316]

12. I wish you didn't feel that way about

yourself.

You've already proven you are not by surviving. So there.
:hug: :P

[KatyaR]

23. Thank you--that's very sweet.

I'm afraid it's habit.

[undeterred]

7. Yeah, I have a sister like that.

I am a liberal Christian. She chose other female friends who were fundies for her daughters to call "aunt". Not that they didn't call me aunt, but she kept me at a distance. I always felt like she thought I was going to contaminate them. She taught her daughters that everyone in her family of origin (including myself, my brother my parents) was going to hell. Eventually this included their own father, whom she divorced.

Eventually she got sick of some of the "chosen" aunts and had the nerve to complain to me that they weren't "Christian" enough. I guess she forgot who she was talking to.

She wanted to raise her daughters to be good people, but she taught them how to be judgmental instead of loving.

[YDogg]

8. Twenty some years ago, some nutjob fundie friend of my intended ...

... told her not to marry me, because I did not go to church enough to suit her. Needless to say, our marriage has been great. In the meantime, this nutjob married and soon divorced; no doubt her husband wasn't conservative enough to suit her fucked up beliefs.

Not that I took any joy in her failed marriage. That just wouldn't have been right. Would it? O8)

[YellowRubberDuckie]

9. People in "Strong Christian Homes" have just as many if not more problems with their kids...

Especially rebellion. A friend of mine was raised in a very strong REAL Christian Home and she was on drugs and didn't graduate with her graduation class. She was on meth for a while and and now she's replaced meth with an alcohol addiction.
I don't know what kind of trouble you're having with your 17 year old, but I will guarentee you it has nothing to do with you as a parent, Christian or not. We used to work in a Juvenile Detention Center and there were a few kids with wonderful parents they just made stupid decisions. Then there were the kids who had terrible parents who had gotten them into trouble in the first place. It's a crap shoot. Your friend is just seeing correlation where there is NONE.
It's probably good to sever the ties with this woman. Your son is old enough now that you probably don't need her to be his godmother anymore.
:hug: Hope everything gets better.
Duckie

[Maineiac]

10. Not exactly the same

but there's a woman at the local pub that I had become friends with, but she makes it so hard on her friends. She's been on welfare for god knows how long, refuses to get off her ass and get a real job and spends every Friday pimping herself for free drinks. Everyone else is to blame for the mess her life has become and those people that have beeen nice enough to help her, she ends up being mean to them because they don't give them twice as much as they've already given. Fundies are so tough to deal with. I have one at work who criticized me for letting my 21 year old son move in with his girlfriend. For one, he's an adult. Number 2: It's none of your damn business. Like any relationship gone sour, it's best that you've realized that it's time to let go. Best of luck to you in dealing with this.

[mike_c]

11. My. Whole. Family.

'Nuf said.

[Radio_Lady]

20. Sorry to hear that, Mike C. Think of that old saying, "You can't choose your family,

but you can choose your friends."

I hope you have some friends that you HAVE chosen.

[JitterbugPerfume]

13. I ended a long friendship a couple of years ago

she had become an emotional vampire , sucking every ounce of compassion for her I had out of me. as time has passed I realise I am better off without her.

I thought our friendship would last forever

[elocs]

14. My best friend of 30 years is a conservative Republican, but not a fundy.

He once was, we both were actually since we met in a very conservative Pentecostal church, but came out the other side. He is still a very conservative Republican and although he is only 16 years older than me he is like a father to me and both he and his wife look upon me like one of their own sons. We get along fine by avoiding political discussions. If that is what it takes to continue our relationship, then that is what I will do because it is too valuable to me to lose.

[Radio_Lady]

19. Very eloquently stated, Elocs. However, I try not to be around Republicans of any stripe.

It just raises my blood pressure and I feel physically ill.

My daughter's mother-in-law is visiting here this week. She voted for Bush. I have no idea how she feels about him now, and I'm not eager to ask.

On Wednesday, I am taking her to dinner and a movie preview of "Waitress," a new film opening soon. I will not engage her in any political discussion at all.

[elocs]

25. We've had some tense moments.

After last November's election I told him that I could understand how he might feel embarrassed by his party and he jumped up out of his chair and told me not to tell him how to feel, which was not bad for a man who is nearly 300 pounds, 2 artificial hips and knees, and was 68. His wife is a Republican too, but at least I can talk with her about political things and although she disagrees, she does listen. It's funny that his youngest son went to the University of Minnesota and his dad blames them for making him a liberal. He was at home for 18 years, but the university turned him in just 4 years--funny.

Most of my friends are not Republicans, but I do not want to eliminate knowing 33-40% of all people based solely upon their party affiliation. There are many other ways in which we can relate other than political, and there are many Republicans who are good people even though we disagree.

[gbate]

29. I would like to be able to do that.

However, her religion is so important to her, that it finds its way to each and every conversation. It makes me uncomfortable, but the worst feeling in all of this is having a very good friend think less of me because of my own beliefs. I know she is not above cutting people out of her life who do not meet her standards. She will not allow her own cousin in her home because her cousin is a lesbian.

[LostinVA]

15. I've done it with old friends and family

Sometimes you have to, you know? People change and grow -- or grew and regress. People are friends with people who share their basic values, and your friend no longer does.

It hurts, regardless.

:hug:

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

16. Friends should make you feel good - not make you feel sick on the stomach.

Friends should be someone who loves and cherishes you , not hurts you because they can.

[WindRavenX]

17. If someone becomes a poison in your life, you have to cut that person out of your life

I've had to do that with my father. It sucks, but it hurt too much to have contact with him.

Best of luck,

:hug:

[AlCzervik]

18. i had a really bad patch with a friend about 2 years ago over her adultery

she said "Everyone else i've talked to just wants me to be happy" it was her doing the cheating mind you so when she told me what was going on--minimizing her faults of course i told her what i thought--she asked after all and then when i finished she was pissed, i mean rip roaring angry so much so i thought that was it. So i asked her "Do you want me to be another yes man for you because i can do that, i think that makes me a pretty bad friend but it's up to you" Anyhow long story shot-she and her husband reconciled, her yes people are no longer part of her circle and she and i are still friends, we don't see each other as much but we still talk.

I think in this case your friend was way out of line and i didn't tell you my story to compare it yours but i just wanted to let you know. I think i supported my friend through a very bad time and i was honest with her---don't ask if you don't want to know is my motto and your friend is not supportive, she's judgmental and acting superior and i suspect if the tables were turned you would there for her.

[barb162]

27. I have a similar thing happening.

Friend was and continues to fool around on her husband who I think is a really nice guy and would never do it to her. It really grates on me.

[dembotoz]

21. it is hard to terminate a long friendship

I am more likely to put it more on a long term time out.
The thing that has always really annoyed me about fundies(well to be honest one of many things)
is that they can use the threat of religion to say the most incredibly hurtful vicious things.
There is no obligation to help there is only an obligation to criticize.
They call it doing their christian duty. I have other terms for it.

To completely terminate the friendship will only allow this person to go to her next bible study,
gossip about you and your family, ask for a prayer or two and then get all kinds of reinforcement from their cronies about how hard they try to save the unsaved.

Do what you must, be remember that sometimes it is harder to get new friends than it is to maintain in some manner your old friends- at least it is for someone as shy as i am.

[nini]

22. You're having problems with a 17 year old because he is 17!

Being raised a Christian, Muslim, Jew, etc.. has nothing to do with the stage of life where young adults start making decisions - some of which are completely wrong and make parents crazy.

That being said, you have enough to worry about if you're trying to straighten your son out, tell her point blank how you feel and that she is no longer welcome in your life if she cannot do the CHRISTIAN thing and help or give support. I am always amazed how these so called Christians don't do what Christ actually would in these cases. Christ would give you a hug and help, not a smug attitude.

Tell her why you are cutting her loose then do it. If SHE wants to redeem herself later that's fine but it's on her - not you.

Good luck with your son.

[mopinko]

24. i lost a friend of 20+ years. she listened to my troubled kid

i have had a lot of trouble with my kids, including one who is bipolar. as far as i can tell, she listened to this kids ravings and believed them. or at least that's what i think happened. never did really get the story. it ended with a very ugly incident at a very tought time for me. included her trying to convince my husband to leave me.
hard to make peace with that kind of thing when you still have so many questons. at least you are making the decision. still bothers me many nights as i try to sleep, even though it has been 2 years.

[barb162]

26. Yes, and it drives me nuts

SHe has to get her radical right shit in every fucking conversation. She thinks there's no global warming for starters. duh

I am slowly contacting her less

[MikeH]

28. I have recently ended a 30 year friendship

Certainly my situation was not as bad as yours, but in 2005 I ended a 30 year friendship after my friend had voted for * a second time. Actually I have posted this several times on DU, and have put it in my journal several times.

He was a fundamentalist Christian but I never thought of him as fitting the worst stereotypes of people of that persuasion. However I was very bothered when I got together with him in October 2004 that not only was he going to vote for * a second time, but he seemed to have no serious reservations or second thoughts about doing so.

He felt our actions in Iraq were the right thing for us to do. What really bothered me, though, was when he said he felt it was OK that we did not find the supposed weapons of mass destruction because intelligence is not an exact science.

After that I had to reevaluate whether I wanted to continue my friendship with him, and sent him some e-mails letting him know how I felt. I knew that I would not want to discuss either politics or religion with him any time after that.

My friend felt that if I felt that way that we should part company, and we did so, on good terms, with fond memories of our past friendship, and best wishes for each other's future.

A little sad, but I also felt it was the right thing to do.

[Generic Brad]

30. Sometimes you just have to take a stand

I understand perfectly what you are going through. In my case it was my family. It was incredibly painful to decide to cut off contact, but I came to realize I had no alternative. When someone thinks you are bound for hell because you do not do everything they demand you do, it's time to cut them out.

No one is in a position to pass ultimate judgment on the soul of another.

[Divine Discontent]

31. I did the same...

I ended a friendship because the friend, who is a Christian like me, after a long time of supporting me being who God created me, started listening to another friend, and their pastor, and started telling me God didn't want me to live like this.... and I thought, like WHAT, being shat upon in America for being gay, yeah, I'm living like this for kicks and a choice to say, attack me! It hurt incredibly, and I miss them, but if that's what they think I'm doing - CHOOSING - to be gay, they're not worthy of my trust anymore...

IT SUCKS! but I will always love him, but I will leave it to God and look forward to seeing him in heaven where I won't be judged.

God bless you in your decision.