Am I just being a cold hearted cousin?

[IdaBriggs]

My cousin did not invite us to his wedding last year. He literally invited HALF of my immediate family -- both of my brothers (one of whom was his Best Man!) and a sister, but NOT myself, another sister or the daughters of my dead sister. There was also some confusion regarding whether or not he invited my mother to the wedding, and she did *NOT* receive an invitation to the bridal shower (but was later phone invited to "crash it" when RSVP's didn't fill in as she expected; she declined).

He lived in my parents basement for several years, and only moved out a few years ago shortly before my father passed. I find his behavior incredibly tacky, and have at this point not met the new wife (who was only around for a few months before she became the new wife -- I had met the previous fiance or two, though).

I am told thru the grapevine that "money" wasn't the issue, as the event was held at a country club; the people involved are just kind of classless, clueless idiots who decided to "snub" half of my family for reasons which are known only to them. Normally I would have made some effort to pursue finding out what the problem was, but this occurred while I was going through my high risk twin pregnancy, and I opted to avoid the stress of dealing with it. (No, they weren't being thoughtful; they were being pricks.)

The new wife is now pregnant. I am told (through the grapevine) I should expect an invitation to the baby shower. I don't plan on going, but may send a generic card. (They sent a nice card/no gift for the recent birth of the twins, so I figure I'll return the favor.)

I really have nothing to say to the man at this point. Prior to this incident I had no problem with him that I know of, and I thought we had a pleasant cordial relationship, with regular interactions during the holidays. Now I just think he's a jerk, and am not really interested in pretending to socialize with him. Due to varying circumstances (most having to do with the twins) I haven't seen him at family events since, although we have "missed" each other at a couple of them.

His mother, however, has been really nice to me, with an amazing "twin gift" and a nice Christmas present. To be fair, however, I did something *REALLY* nice for her last year and gave her an amazing family heirloom quilt with instructions to pass it down to her daughter. (This was before the wedding thing, and had more to do with the quilt being something I felt the women in the family would appreciate than any insult intended toward the woman he was then only dating.)

I must confess this isn't really a crisis thing. Its more of a "there in the back of your mind" situation, with me not caring as much as I could or maybe should. Frankly, part of me went "yeah! no invitation means one less present to purchase!" because we give NICE wedding gifts to first cousins since we have so few of them.

Sigh. Its a small family war. Before I didn't know the rules. Now I do. I only have to be polite to the people who are polite to me; I am free to defend myself against those who aren't.

Opinions? Similar stories of annoying extended family? Share, please! :)

[AlCzervik]

1. are you asking if you should send a gift?

if it's for a baby and your second cousin? i would, it's for a baby not the parents. As for the warring parties--experience has taught me to try and stay out it unless it affects the quality of your everyday life.

[IdaBriggs]

2. The only reason I would send a gift would be for my aunt.

Nothing personal to the baby, but these people have made it clear they don't want a relationship (by not inviting us to their wedding), so I feel minimal guilt about not sending a gift. Despite my blase attitude, I am still somewhat wrathful about the wedding situation. In my meaner moments, I fantasize about calling the new wife by the last fiance's name "on accident" -- I wouldn't really do it, but it does sound like fun!

I am not always a nice person, at least in my fantasies. Sigh.

:evilgrin:

[AlCzervik]

3. i understand but you have so many other things in your life and i don't

want to sound preachy but i wasted so much time and energy in my life on the family drama, i wish i could go back and reclaim all that time and use it toward something else. This is why i'm glad i moved 3,000 miles away from them, i love them but being away gives me the luxury of not being involved in many family things that might get awkward.

[IdaBriggs]

4. A few years back we went through a period where we weren't speaking to

a good portion of the family. The whole thing started over a teenage heroin addict, and just kind of went crazy from there. It was very traumatic for me at the time, but also one of the CALMEST periods, too. It was very eye opening to the dynamics of some of my family relationships.

Since then my father has passed away, and it turns out he was probably the major instigator of most of the drama, and things have improved tremendously since then. That's kind of sad. I also have some reason to suspect that the cousin problem is part of the hold over from some of the crap my father pulled, but truthfully, I don't really know for sure.

:shrug:

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

5. Life's too short

and precious to waste on such petty drama. Send a card or gift out of respect for your aunt and forget about all the other stuff. That's my 2 cents anyway. Good luck!

[MissMillie]

10. yep

and "forget" should mean "forget". Don't give it another thought.

[QMPMom]

6. I am sorry that you were treated so shabbily. Last year my

sister-in-law sent out the wedding invitations to her oldest daughter's wedding. My husband, son and I were invited. Our daughter, who is mentally handicapped, was not. The wedding was exactly 10 blocks from our house.

Her snub brought outrage to everyone that heard about it. Many scenarios were bandied about on how to handle it from my best friend Roxanne taking our daughter to the wedding along with us, my boss volunteered to take his Harley Owner's Group dressed in full leather to the reception and my giant of a hetero son (SIL's godson) was hatching a plan to take his best male friend to the wedding as his date and introduce him to SIL as his partner just to watch her head explode. (She's very much a homophobe.)

We decided to take the high road and politely declined the invitation and in a very nice card told them:

"Dear XXXXXXXXE and XXXXX,

We wish you all the best as you start your life together. As much as we would love to help you celebrate your wedding, we will be spending the day with Anna-Maria. She so looks forward to spending time with friends and family when she is home that we would hate to disappoint her. A donation is being made in your honor to the Excel Society, the Adult Day Program Anna-Maria attends. May your lives be filled with love.

Love,

XXXXX, XXXXX, XXXX-XXXXX and XXXX"

We never heard a word after that and my husband hasn't spoken to his sister in almost 16 months. Their reprehensible behavior (only the latest example of many) has broken the relationship forever.

[Bunny]

11. I think that's a fantastic response!

As an advocate for people with developmental disabilities, I applaud your actions. I hate seeing them treated so shabbily. You handled that beautifully, and if you lose contact with SIL forevermore because of it - no big loss.

[REP]

7. No One Owes Anyone An Invitation or a Gift

It was their wedding and therefore, they got to invite whoever they damn well felt like inviting. If you feel slighted, well, that is your business. It doesn't sound as though you are close to this person, so I'm not sure why you would have wanted to go to the wedding at all! Yes, it's a bit odd that they'd invite some siblings and not others but still - their party, so they get to choose who they invite.

As for the gift grab baby shower, that's something you don't have to go to if you don't feel like it; no one is obligated to go simply because one is invited or to provide gifts.

I'd stop listening to the 'grapevine.' My policy is that if I don't hear it first-hand, it isn't worth bothering with. Makes things simpler! Of course, this can be overlooked when trying to find out someone's favorite restaurant or perfume etc to surprise them with on the sly.

[Gormy Cuss]

12. Ditto.

Good post, REP.

[Deep13]

14. I must agree. nt

[peacefreak]

8. The High Road has the best view.

I would wait until the baby's born & send something then. Being a new mother, you know what's been useful to you. Every time the new mom uses that Boppy or whatever she will be grateful.

[LibraLiz1973]

9. Send a card.

And let that be the end of it. Sending a gift would be dumb, you aren't even talking and you aren't close. I hope your mom does the same.

[skygazer]

13. I agree with REP

Don't turn things like this into a pissing contest - waste of time, emotion and effort. An invitation to an event is just that - you can accept or decline. It has nothing at all to do with what anyone else sent you or who you may have invited to your events. Or at least it shouldn't.

It sounds like your family is one swirling cauldron of gossip. Forget it. You can choose to be polite only to the people who are polite to you or you can quit listening to the gossip, quit worrying about who gave what to who and invited who else where and just treat everyone like family.

It's a lot easier than playing these crazy family war games. JMO

[electron_blue]

15. Only maintain that relationship for the sake of the other family relationships you really do want

to keep, like his mother. But don't go out of your way. Sounds like a typical family - there are always some strange birds who care nothing for anyone but themselves. Try not to let it affect you too much.