Super Bowl XXXVIII Traffic Rules (Houston)

[lastliberalintexas]

I thought the Southeast Texas area DUers would appreciate this. And let it serve as a warning to anyone foolish enough to come to Houston for the big game- it's not really a joke! :)


HOUSTON TRAFFIC RULES FOR PEOPLE VISITING DURING SUPER BOWL XXXVIII, FEBRUARY 1, 2004

1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-ston," and definitely not "How-ston." The street named San Felipe is pronounced "San fe-LEE-pay," not "San Fi-LEEP" or "San Fay-LEE-pee."

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules.. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with "Go down to Loop 610," which has no beginning and no end.

4. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.

5. You have the Beast, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East (Baytown East), I-10 West, 59 North, 59 South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order.. Your job is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

6. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of Louisiana.

7. WHATEVER YOU DO - DO NOT go down to Sugarland and speed even 1 m.p.h. over the limit or forget to wear your seatbelt - you WILL be ARRESTED and taken to jail for a full body search - no questions, no attorney and your family will never hear from you again.

8. The Houston Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic "a scenic drive." It is if you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives changing tires, running through potholes, slamming on your brakes to avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of people's middle fingers, and exhaust fumes..

9. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.! The noon-hour rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call "ponding"). The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00 a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

10. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to avoid being "T-boned" by crossing traffic.

11. Construction on every freeway, loop, and toll way in the city is a permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

12. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is pronounced "Kirk-n-doll.")

13. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase "Oh, we must be near Pasadena."

14. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect and should be ignored.

15.. All Suburbans and Hummers have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an 18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley tank.

16. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise, you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of traffic.

17. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

18. Never look or even THINK about honking at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone.

19. If you are in the left lane, and going only 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

20. If it is 100 degrees outside (or even if the heat index is close to 100), then Valentines Day must be next weekend.

21. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

22. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed on Main between the South Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

23. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

Y'ALL ENJOY YOUR STAY IN HOUSTON, AND COME BACK REAL SOON


On edit for trof- I didn't write this- don't want to take credit for something I didn't do. A friend sent this to me in an email, and I'm not sure who actually wrote it.

[trof]

1. I don't think you missed anything.

Especially #7.
Miz t.'s mama-an-nem used to live in Bellaire.

[Kamika]

2. ohman true

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its own version of traffic rules.. They are called "Hold On And Pray." There is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.


It's funny cuz it's true

[Ishoutandscream]

3. Dallasite here, lastliberal

I'm so glad for your city that Philly lost yesterday. Can you imagine thousands of drunken, obnoxious Eagle fans swarming to your city? Your jails would have been overcrowded.

[XNASA]

4. Ah yes. I remember it well.

But it seems like a dream.

Me to the wifey: "Remember when we lived in Houston for 6 years."

Wifey: "Yeah. That was really weird."

Most of the things on the list are true. But in typical Texas fashion, are blown completely out of proportion. I offer these observations.

1. "Hue-stun" ---Actually it's more like "HUE!-stun" Ya gotta really accentuate that "HUE!" by making your voice accend in pitch as you say it. It sounds like pig-calling if you do it right.

9. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. etc., etc., etc.???????

----But remember, the definition of "Rush Hour" in Houston is anytime you can't go 80mph because of the traffic. People in Houston have no idea what a real Rush Hour is like. Try living in Chicago of Boston or LA. Those cities have real rush hours.--

[lastliberalintexas]

5. I agree

Houstonians tend to think any time they can't go 90 on 59 North in the middle of road construction on a road that's been reduced from 4 lanes to 1, that there MUST be a wreck or something!

I thankfully don't live there either! But I still live in Cancer Alley, so I guess it's not that much of an improvement. ;-)

Though unfortunately, all of my area's Congresscritters will now be determined by the oh so grand residents of Harris, Montgomery and Fort Bend counties. Never mind that the Beaumont area has zero common interests with Houston. Darn redistricting. :(

[XNASA]

7. Everybody must drive!! Even if you can't or don't like to......

Think about it. The 4th largest city in the country has no public transportation. Well, it has no useful public transportation.

So if you need to get somewhere, especially to work downtown,...

You Must Drive!!

You can be the worst driver in the world, you can be 75 years old with poor eyesight and bad reflexes, but guess what? If you need to get someplace....You Must Drive!

That the big problem with Houston drivers as I see it. The roads are filled with bad drivers, because they have no other choice.

[prole_for_peace]

6. i live about 70 miles east of houston and the traffic

will probably be backed up to here. hell, even on sundays there are traffic jams. i don't plan on going anywhere near houston from now to about a week after the game. that is probably how long it will take to clear the traffic.

[bratcatinok]

8. Whoever wrote these rules isn't a native

because San Felipe is pronounced San FillupEE. Only furreners pronounce it any other way.