I think I'm the angriest I've ever been at DH

[Missy Vixen]

I'd better write this one on the calendar.

My DH is the king of passive-aggressive. He loves to throw bombs and run away. He did it again this morning, five minutes before he left the house to go to the office. He brought up something he says he's been "thinking about for a long time," but just couldn't discuss it with me all weekend or any other time when I might have the opportunity to defend myself.

To say that I am so angry I am in significant danger of saying something that would severely impact our future relationship is an understatement.

What would you do?

Julie

[begin_within]

1. Fight fire with fire.

[Deep13]

3. But then all you get is more fire. n/t

[begin_within]

10. But that's what she needs, is for it to come to a head, and not just fester

[Missy Vixen]

4. I'm not sure it would work

for the simple reason that -- seriously -- I will say something to him that will cause a significant problem.

I have never lost my temper in fourteen years of marriage. It's about to happen.

Julie

[begin_within]

8. You already have a significant problem, otherwise you wouldn't be posting it here.

It needs to come to a head. One good fight is not going to break up your marriage - it may actually restore the balance of power. He thinks he can just do all these things and get away with it. You've got to stand up and fight back or it's going to just keep happening over and over. "If you keep on doing what you did, you'll keep on getting what you got."

[Haole Girl]

25. One good fight is not going to break up your marriage ?

Wrong.

Depends on the fight.

[ulysses]

2. kick his ass.

OR

give yourself a little time before you bring it up with him - let that danger moment pass before you talk.

Just my .02.

[Tyler Durden]

5. Count 10...Unless you are truly fed up to the max.

I have found in my life that the only thing I am truly in control of is my reactions to other people.

Most people I have met, including most superiors, LOVE to throw bombs and run away. I think I'm immune to it now, but that's just me.

[Missy Vixen]

12. I guess I wonder to myself why people think this is appropriate

In other words, "I'm going to do something to you that I know is hurtful and nasty, but I don't have the courage to take what I just dished out."

IMHO, YMMV,
Julie

[Tyler Durden]

15. It's not...But part of impowering inappropriate behavior is our own inapproprate responses.

I've found a neutral "Oh, OK. Let me know when," tends to deflate sails nicely.

I don't always practice it; Passive/Aggressive appears to me to be the most highly populated neurosis on the block, and sometimes I forget not to respond.

[raccoon]

22. I have 2 relatives who like to do that. In my case, it was both of

them sending mean, abusive, snarky emails and running away.

With one of them, we've repaired our relationship.

With the other, we still don't have contact.

[Deep13]

6. Seems like on some level he's afraid of you...

...and wants to avoid a verbal altercation while still getting his point across.

What's a "DH" anyway?

[Missy Vixen]

7. Afraid of me?

I think he's actually afraid of getting called on his shit. If that makes him "afraid", so be it.

Julie

[Deep13]

18. maybe. I'm just guessing.

Hard to know without all the details (which BTW, I'm not requesting.)
:shrug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

23. probably

I suspect he's less afraid of you and more afraid of your reaction. Maybe it's his clueless way of expressing himself while avoiding the consequences. Or maybe he thinks you might need space?

:shrug:

It's hard to see inside his mind, but I do think his behavior is thoughtless at a minimum.

[datasuspect]

9. sounds like a control battle

what's really going on?

[Gormy Cuss]

11. Give him five minutes to settle in when he comes home tonight,

then tell him you want to discuss the 'bomb' right now. If he tries to beg off, remind him that he started the discussion this morning and you'd like to finish it because it's obvious that he needs to talk immediately or he wouldn't have mentioned it this morning when he had no time to talk.

That's confronting his p/a behavior without calling him on it. If he plays along you can have the discussion and maybe he'll figure out that his behavior was unfair. If he doesn't agree to talk about it on your schedule, then he deserves to hear your full anger at his p/a behavior.

[electron_blue]

13. How childish. Honestly.

I'd be so disappointed I was married to such a weasel. There isn't anything you can do except ignore this teasing. yuk.

And for the poster who wondered what dh means, it's 'dear/damn husband' and even some other words starting with d - you take your pick.

[Missy Vixen]

17. I thought it was just me

At the same time, it seems I'm not alone.

>There isn't anything you can do except ignore this teasing.<

I've been ignoring it for a long time now. It's not getting what I need. I think I'm going to take the other poster's advice and talk to him about it when he gets home. It needs to stop.

Julie

[crim son]

14. Nothing quite yet.

You can only win against this type of person if your response to his behavior is rational, reasoned. I am extremely familiar with what you describe and you flipping out in front of him only strengthens his position, whatever it is.

I'm sorry. The anger and frustration must be nearly uncontainable. :hug:

[Haole Girl]

16. Is "DH" short for "Dear Husband"?

Sorry, I don't use that acronym.

I'm also sorry that I have no advice...

just hugs... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Coventina]

19. I was in a relationship like that.

I would get told that something I said weeks ago had been festering while I was led to believe that all was right with the world.

And it was always my fault.

I had said or done something hurtful, insensitive, mean or judgemental or SOMETHING. But instead of calling me on it then, it would take weeks to be told that I had been resented for it the whole time.

Of course, I wasn't as smart as you. I bought into the idea that I was a terrible person and deserved that sort of treatment. So good for you for spotting p/a for what it is.

Sorry I don't have helpful advice. I eventually escaped the relationship, but I don't think you really want to leave your husband.

But I feel your pain.

:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

20. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

:hug:

I think you should discuss it with him, personally. You shouldn't be put in the position of getting this upset over something he's not dealing with.

[NewWaveChick1981]

21. I feel your pain, JulieRB.,

:hug: :pals: If your husband is the king of passive-aggressive, mine's the prince. :( We have been through counseling over this type of stuff (and other things too), and counseling only does a certain amount of good. :(

I learned long ago to never give him a response when he tries the passive-agressive shit. This is the approach the counselor suggested I take, because when he does that, he's trying to stir up drama. He won't get it from me. I used to buy into the "it's your fault" routine, but guess what? It's not my fault. :) I take responsibility for things that ARE my fault, but other than that, no.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you I know what it feels like. :hug: I'm sorry, sweetie.

[crispini]

24. I don't have any good advice so I'll just

give you this: :hug:

[riderinthestorm]

26. I write letters to him when he does this.

If I can't communicate without exploding I just write it down and give him a letter. Since he's gone to work, you have all day to compose it just the way you want it. Hand it to him as soon as he walks in the door and then sit and wait for him to respond.

I found this does two things:
1. I really have to think about what he's said. I have to respond to what he thinks about the situation. Sometimes I can see his point, and if it's true I'll say that in the letter, but regardless of whether I agree with him or defend myself I always tell him that his method of making his point was shitty.
2. It allows me to vent all day long and blow off MY steam so that by the time he reads the letter, and we do talk, I can maintain some control.

I will say that one argument, a really terrible one, can wreak a lot of damage so you need to try to find some way to cool down. I know this from experience. Some couples CAN argue and fight without irreparable harm but if you've gone 14 years already without a significant fight? Wow. This one WILL be a doozy since you are this upset.

If you are determined to stay with him and work this out, you need to use other tools than allowing him to do this to you and making you fume all stinking day (days?) and ensuring a scene at the end of the day. It feeds the p/a in my opinion. When you make a scene (which he has provoked), it justifies their "reluctance" to speak their mind all weekend. He justifies it with the "fact" that you would have blown up at him and he just wanted a peaceful weekend or some such nonsense. Can you work-out to burn off some of the steam? Can you get to a public restaurant/park/wherever with him later where you are more likely to stay calm rather than yelling?

Regardless, you need to start telling him over and over that this method of his - dropping a bomb and running away - is shitty. He needs to have the example pointed out every single time he does it. I hope he figures it out, especially how hurtful it is to you, and tries to stop doing it. I am so sorry you are going through this.

:hug: