Question for marrieds..or living together

[militaryspouse]

Is the workload split 50/50, or do you find that you or your S/O carries the majority of the weight?

I've been a sahm most of our marriage and didn't mind doing the majority of the domesticated things, but now that I am working too, i still find myself doing most if not all things domestic.

For instance I do the budgeting, cook the meals, do the yardwork, take the kids to the park,go to the apointments etc etc.

I haven't cleaned our bathroom(in our maserbedroom) for almost 3 weeks now, waiting to see if he would lift a finger without me asking. Nope! Of course someone would say..well if you want help just ask. Well when I do that, to him I become a nag. Any suggestions on how to get him to take a more active role?

[Tyler Durden]

1. Tell him how you can't have sex in a dirty bedroom.

Worked for the Greeks.

[matcom]

2. sort of 50/50

although she does more than I do.

I do all the grocery shopping and cooking. She does 100% of the laundry (i'm not allowed due to prior 'mishaps') ;)

She does most of the cleaning although I do vaccum and dust etc....

I haven't cleaned a bathroom in years and I HATE dishes :hide:

Probably 60/40

I can't really count taking care of the lawn since she has her gardens

ok maybe more like 65/35

:hide:

[One_Life_To_Give]

3. Negotiation?

imho- I think your going back to work requires a renegotiation of the workload around the house. You want him to take ownership of a couple of tasks. Once he takes ownership you do not do the task, even if he fails to or does it not to your standards.

As a guy I find it much better to work with a defined set of responsibilities. As opposed to some vague "help out around the house".

[WindRavenX]

4. does he have the time to do stuff?

Coz right now my fiance and I both work fulltime, albeit at different hours. We usually try to clean up everyday when we have time to--no "set" or "assigned" chores. Sometimes I'll do dishes, sometimes he'll do it if he sees I've had a long day and just can't be on my feet any longer.

I would just ask to see if he's noticed--guys can be...sorta oblivious sometimes ;)

[commander bunnypants]

5. probably 60-40

but I clean the bathrooms, kitty pans, wash clothes


CB

[matcom]

6. oh i completely forgot about the kitty pans

shit this is looking worse and worse for me all the time :hide:

[militaryspouse]

8. ..

mat, don't feel bad. from what you listed you do more than he does lol.

[Connonym]

7. Explain to him just as you did to us

tell him you don't want to be a nag but that it's unfair that you still have to do the bulk of the housework. Agree that maybe it would make sense to outline precisely what you'd like him to do. Good luck. (and welcome to DU)

[cobalt1999]

9. I just it's how you define 50/50

When we both worked fulltime we took turns making dinner and we each had areas of the house we were responsible for keeping clean. After children, she quit outside work and was fulltime domestic. At that point, she took over all cleaning and dinners during the week. We split on weekends.

If you haven't given a guy a clear area of responsibility and waiting for him to lift a finger will just try your patience. We guys need clear tasks. Make the bathrooms his job.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

10. I'd say lay it out to him and be honest.

You want a little more help. Ask him if he noticed the rising stench in the master bathroom. Don't whine or anything; try to present a good, rational case. Explain why you need the help--you're working too, you're watching the kids, etc. Ask him what he'd be willing to do; maybe he could do the budgeting well and wouldn't mind that, maybe he'd be willing to tow the kids around for a few days, etc. Try and make it seem like a logical, rational request, not an angry demand; he might respond better if he thinks he's being asked rather than ordered, if he thinks you respect his abilities to budget or clean toilets or whatever it may be.

If he somehow thinks you're being a nag, remind him of all that you've done in the past. Don't go and be a doormat and keep doing domestic things you don't have time or the will to do; he should participate in these things as well, since this isn't the 1950s, and you're not a maid. Just don't go to the other extreme and become a shrill. Get him involved and get the kids involved where they can be, if they're not toddlers, perhaps in cleaning up their own rooms, clearing the dinner table, etc. If he sees his own kids of either sex working, maybe that would shame him into doing a little more around the house.

Good luck! No matter what, he should sure be involved in domestic issues unless he's chronically ill or some such circumstance, so don't give up.

:hi:

[militaryspouse]

15. thanks guys

and thanks for the welcome 'c'.

We tried him doing the budget and it was disasterous, so he asked me to take it back over. Sometimes i feel bad for asking for help, like i should be super woman or something, then there's other times he's the one that makes me feel bad for asking. As my title states...he's mil, so he works long hrs and i feel like i should cut him some slack, but then i see other spouses in the same boat doing more with their families and more in general...

[WritingIsMyReligion]

17. Never feel bad asking for his help.

Marriage nowadays, unless you specifically set it up otherwise as some will do, is an equal partnership. He's supposed to have your best interests in mind just as you clearly are trying to have his in mind. Perhaps he just honestly hasn't realized how your situation has changed; perhaps it's a little more insidious than that; perhaps it's something yet different. Regardless, you owe it to him to spell out what's changed now that you've gone back to work and explain what you need from him, just as he owes it to you to listen to what you say and consider what he can do to help you out. Revisit as a team whatever arrangement you might have had while you were at home and rework it as a team to fit your household now that you're back in the workforce.

:)

[Auggie]

11. 15/15 -- we hired a cleaning service that comes every two weeks

[triguy46]

40. LOL!!

[NewWaveChick1981]

12. My SO does very, very little around the house.

:mad: We discussed the workload before we got married, and he did his share for about a year. We've been married nearly 15 years. We had arguments and "discussions" about stuff in the couple of years after he started slacking off, and he'd do his share for a little while and then quit. :( If housework gets done, I do it. Therefore, I keep my bathroom and the kitchen clean. I also vacuum areas that I use and dust areas that I use. If that seems weird, understand that I will NOT do his share just because he chooses not to hold up his end of the bargain. His bathroom is awful because he won't clean it except on rare occasions; however, that's not my problem. His laundry piles up (in the hamper on his side of the bed) because I stopped doing it. I have made it clear that if he's handling things like that, then I am going to concentrate only on the housework that I am responsible for. I separated myself a long time ago from being angry about his lack of responsibility.

As you can probably tell, this is a sore spot with me. :) His lack of responsibility manifests itself in other areas of our marriage too, which is why things haven't been good in a while. I'm not quite ready to leave him yet, but don't think I haven't considered it.

I hope your SO can find the motivation that mine lacks. I can't MAKE him do the work, and I'm tired of trying. :(

Edited to add: It's not like he doesn't have time to do housework. He's a freelance artist, and the past few years have been lean for him. He's got time to kill and kills it in every way possible except cleaning the house in which he spends the majority of his time.

[Kajsa]

53. Hi NWC,

I completely relate and commiserate.
My SO is the same.

It's a pisser, huh?

:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

58. It sucks so much...

:hug: :pals: I'm sorry you're going through this too.

[gollygee]

13. This is why I haven't gone back to work

Well we're planning on starting to try for another baby here pretty soon too. But anyway, I said that if I go back to work he has to do half of the work around the house, and he said he didn't see how he could work all day and then do that much work on top of it. I said, "Welcome to the world of working women!" He agreed that taking care of the house and child is a full-time job in and of itself and said he'd rather I not work unless it was something I wanted to do rather than something I felt obligated to do. Luckily, we can get by on one salary without too much trouble.

My best suggestion is figure out how much time it takes to do different tasks, and then set him down and have him pick a fair number of them out that he'll do. If certain tasks are always his and he knows that from the get-go and was part of the decision-making process, maybe he'll be better about it. Good luck!

[MissMillie]

14. You're not a nag if you ask once

and even if you have to remind once.

After that... yeah you're a nag, BUT he had it within his power to avoid your nagging.

I used to tell my kid, "if you don't want me to nag, do what I ask the first time I ask it."

[LaurenG]

16. I am really lucky - share about 50 - 50

I love doing the lawn now, and he takes care of the kitties needs. We both do dishes but I'm the cook and I vacuum the house but he does the stairs. (Which is a good deal for me since I can vacuum the whole house in less time than he can get the stairs de-haired. 2 white cats with scarlet carpeting on the stairs and landing.)

[Midlodemocrat]

18. I do most of the housework with help from the kids.

He used to help a lot more prior to his surgery, but now he's so exhausted from traveling for work that he really can't.

Sometimes he will switch the laundry because the laundry room is right next to his office, but that's not that often.

I do the cooking, shopping, etc. Kids help with dishes, garbage, laundry and I have a cleaning lady once a week.

We manage.

[NMDemDist2]

19. when we worked in our biz together we shared the chores equally too

we cleaned together, shopped together, did laundry together and he helped cook to the degree he could (not much) but made up for it in emptying the dishwasher.

now that he works 60-70 hours a week and I work 25, I do 98% of the home stuff and that's fine IMO

now that you are working and bringing in some $$$ explain to him you are hiring a yard service and a housekeeper to take up the slack. It always comes down to your time or your money. since you don't have time anymore but have money spend it.

If he balks, ask him which chores he's willing to take on to save the cash :evilgrin:

good luck!

[militaryspouse]

21. Thankfully my

kids do have chores, but he likes to take advantage of that. Sometimes he'll say...'make the kids do iy'. Sigh.

I think i'm going to have a sit down with him on my day off and 'discuss some things' Plus he's going thru this selfish phase right now where everything is about him him him and his hobbies, so i guess it's just all finally getting to me.

[NMDemDist2]

23. hire it out! hell, I just hired a housekeeper myself to come in twice a month

cuz I hate cleaning bathrooms too

seriously, hire a yard man at least. or shop what it would cost, you may be surprised how cheap it is and how much it will take off both your shoulders

:hug:

[TheProphetess]

20. Ours has varied since we've been together

We've been living together for 2 1/2 years and married for almost 2 of those years. At first, I was working full time and he was unemployed but doing various things to make money here and there. He did the majority of the cooking (he's really the cook in our family, anyway), loading the dishwasher (I prefer that he doesn't wash dishes, given a few mishaps in the past), most of the laundry, and most of the vacuuming. I was the one who would unload the dishwasher, dust, clean the bathroom, clean up the kitchen, and do occasional laundry. No yard work (apartment), no children and no pets.

We moved to a different state when he found a job. Now he's working full time and I'm unemployed. So, he does very little housework, which I prefer given that I'm home all day, every day. I do most of the cooking (unless it's a weekend and we're not eating out or eating leftovers), all of the laundry, all of the cleaning in the apartment (except for him occasionally vacuuming, per my request). Still no yard work, children, or pets.

We definitely had to work out a negotiation of housework roles and expectations (how often they get done and what defines "clean"), especially in our first year together under the same roof. Since then, it has not been an issue at all. I know that if I want or need help with something, I just have to ask and he is happy to do it. If I don't ask, he literally doesn't notice (like the dirty bathroom 3 weeks later) - it's a guy thing, IMHO. If I'm out of town, I ask that he cleans the bathrooms and runs the sweeper before I come home and he does. Explicit expectations help a great deal!

Edited to say that I'm a bit of a control freak, so I like to have things done my way. I admit it!

[NewJeffCT]

22. I do most of the housework

My wife is clueless when it comes to operating a washer & dryer or operating a vacuum cleaner... and don't get me started on cleaning hardwood floors. I'd probably be more upset if she did try to clean the hardwood.

She does help in folding clothes - sometimes. She is good at overall organizing - putting the clutter away.

She does do most of the cooking, though we tend to eat out or order more than we eat in because neither of us is home at consistent hours during the week.

I do a majority of the child care in the house as well, though I'm still pretty clueless about putting my daughter's hair in a ponytail or pigtails.

[Midlodemocrat]

25. Don't feel bad. I still can't do a french braid and my oldest is almost 17.

[matcom]

26. every day you display more what a horrible mother you are

*I* french braid her hair all the time!

:hide:

[Midlodemocrat]

27. Yeah, that'll happen.

She's too busy babysitting right now to have her hair braided, plus after she spends two hours straightening it, it won't stay in.

:eyes:

[NewJeffCT]

29. I'm not even going to attempt that

I'll be happy with just a simple ponytail.

[AngryAmish]

24. Tell him to stay out with his friends drinking beer and watching baseball

I want my wife to tell me that. As a matter of fact, she said to do that today.

Anyway, get a maid. It makes things like this easier.

[jobycom]

28. I used to do about 70 to her 30. Since I've moved out

her house resembles a landfill, the back yard is about three feet deep in grass. The plates and forks are all clean, though, as well as the pots and pans. Taco Bell and Chick-fil-a seem to provide her with all the utensils and cooking. There are leftovers in the fridge that I put there--almost two years ago.

[Shell Beau]

30. My husband and I split it pretty much down the middle!

We both do things to help each other out. Whether it be cooking, cleaning, etc.

[Deep13]

31. He won't know if you don't tell him.

It doesn't need to be in some overly dramatic, accusatory way. Just ask. I would be very surprised if it has even crossed his mind. I gottah tell you, three weeks goes by quickly and I don't clean mine that often. I usually do it when I actually see that it is unclean. Men generally just do consider these things.

[skygazer]

32. I'm spoiled rotten and don't do much

:P

Actually, he does do a lot, if not most, of the domestic stuff. He likes it. I do the dishes most of the time and we do laundry about 50/50 but he does most of the cleaning, mopping, bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting. He does almost all the cooking - I hate to cook and he gets home earlier than I do so he gets dinner ready.

I do the budget, order the Netflix, make the bed. Ummm.... what else do I do? I file papers...

Yeah, I don't do much. But honestly, it's not about what anyone else does - it's what you need. Don't do the passive-aggressive wait-for-him-to-do-it thing. He won't ever do it and you'll just be overworked, frazzled and irritated.

Simply explain to him that since you're working, you can't do it all by yourself anymore and you need him to help in some areas. And be specific which ones - I would suggest giving him chores that he's more likely to enjoy (or at least not hate) doing.

Also, how old are your kids? They need to help, too and it needs to be approached the same way - everyone has clearly appointed tasks they're responsible for.

[Arugula Latte]

33. I love the implicit choice many men give their wives/SOs:

1. You do everything and keep quiet about it, OR
2. You do everything and say something and then get called a "nag."

:eyes:

[ceile]

34. I'd say about 70-30

The only thing I don't clean is his "office" (except for the cat box; that thing could stink to high heaven and he still wouldn't touch it) and I don't do his laundry. He keeps the plants looking nice (we don't have a yard, just potted plants) and cooks on Sundays and Mondays.
If you need/want help ask. Does he do anything to help out?

[SeattleGirl]

35. Probably 70-30 most of the time, with me doing the 70%. Now, it's

more like 90-10, with the 90% on me, but I accept that for now, because MrSG is working a full-time job AND a part-time job, so it's only fair that the majority of household stuff falls on me. We do tag-team mowing the lawn, because it's pretty big, it's sloped, and we both have pretty bad allergies.

We used to have a housecleaner come in every other week, which was so nice. There was, obviously, still housework that had to be done in-between, but it was easier. We can't afford it right now, even though it wasn't that expensive (and for me, worth every penny).

And to be fair, MrSG has always done the majority of the cooking (he loves to cook), and he still does the majority of the grocery shopping, which I hate doing.

[Evoman]

36. We have a weird setup.

I don't even KNOW if we are equal. I do all the cooking (except occasionally when she cooks her specialties) and she does the dishes. I clean the bathroom, she cleans the kitchen. Everything else we do almost equally, except when we don't. We do most of our cleaning before someone comes for a visit...and whoever cares more about the visitor, cleans the most lol.

I think, that overall, I have a lower tolerance for messiness or dirtiness, so if anything, I do more. She might disagree with that though!

[NewWaveChick1981]

37. Even if it's not "equal", it's equitable.

:) :D

[triguy46]

43. That may be the best view

Because equal would require a relative value scale of the household chores. For me, I do the dishes because I like to, I like a clean kitchen and I don't mind it. But it is not equal in time to the weekly laundry. Though wife will NOT let me do laundry. I think it has to be developed openly, fairly and worked out. Refusal by one spouse to participate would probably mean there are other relationship issues as well.

[LostinVA]

49. "whoever cares more about the visitor, cleans the most"

OMG -- I could have written that!

[triguy46]

38. I'm told I'm in the running for husband of the year...

I've washed dishes every day for the past 30 years of marriage, also unload the dishwasher.
We both share folding of laundry, though wife demands that she do laundry because of the arcane white/color dichotomy that I don't fully understand. This bothers me because the new
front loader is so cool to use.
I take care of the grass and vegetable garden, she tends the flowers.
I cook at least 50%. Last night shrimp with a primavera and spaghetti, fruit salad, toasted bread. I didn't make the ice cream we had for dessert.
I do the budget, pay the bills, but she carries all the cash and the checkbook.
I put my clothes in the appropriate hamper.
I take the trash out.
I make my own lunch. I made the kids lunches when they were small.

Enough about me, however. All that said, i think my wife carries more because she is a nurturer and carer. I see the list above as just pitching in to help out. She takes more time with my elderly mom than I can manage. She is the kind hearted helper, with many friends and a great support group. She was my greatest support while I ws dealing with kidney cancer, never left, though I begged her to go home and get some sleep. She is liked by everyone. I would be nothing without her, the love of my life.

[Name removed]

39. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Coventina]

41. I do most of the housework, since I work out of our home (mostly)

I'm a college teacher, so I'm generally home if I'm not actually teaching a class. He's the one with the "traditional" job.

He does help here and there, and he does a LOT of handyman stuff and all the yardwork. So, I think it's pretty fair.

[Javaman]

42. Goes back and forth...

Sometimes 50/50 sometimes 60/40 or 40/60. Other times its 80/20 or 20/80 depends what's going on.

[Rambis]

44. I do dishes and clean

She does laundry because I can't fold right:)
She gets the kids dressed in the am and I make the lunches and feed them.
Then while they eat I empty the cat box and give the dog his pill and let him outside.
Depending on if there is dance or tumbling I usually take them to those things Tuesday Wednesday and coach T-ball on Mondays.
I do go to a social hour on Fridays, she and the kids are welcome but they usually do movie night.
I wish I could be a slug like some of the guys I know but it is not in my nature to not help. I think guys that do nothing around the house are bums. By the way guys you do not "babysit" your own kids:)

[flamingyouth]

45. I think my fiance does most of the work right now.

It's mostly due to my health, though.

My mom has a similar problem with my dad, though after almost 44(!) years of marriage, now that he's been retired for about 15(again,!) years, he is starting to come around.

[China_cat]

46. I wish you luck

but have no advice for you. We used to split stuff pretty evenly but my husband's mother taught him that households only work when everyone chips in. Now the majority of the work is on his shoulders because of my health.

[Xithras]

47. She does everything inside except my laundry. I do everything outside.

We have a big piece of property, so as I see it she's getting off easy. She does do all of the dr. appointments and takes the kids to the park and parties, but that's more a function of my work hours than anything else.

How to fix it? "Honey, you need to start doing X & Y, or I'm divorcing you. I married you to gain a partner, not another dependent." My wife pulled that line on me years ago when I was stuck in a particularly unhelpful phase, and it snapped me right out of it. YMMV.

But don't nag. Nagging just shuts guys down. Nagging is not only unhelpful, it's counterproductive and will simply make him angry. Just lay down the law and concequences plainly, and let him react to it.

And if he still doesn't help, you'll have to decide whether to follow through on the threat. My wife has made it clear that she already has to pick up after three kids, and refuses to pick up after me. If we're truly equals, I have the same ability to pick things up that she does.

[femmocrat]

48. Pretty much 50/50.

I was a SAHM for a long time and did most of the house work, but I had the time (he travelled).

Since I have been working full-time, we split things up a lot more. I think it depends on who has time to do those things. Someone probably already suggested this, but can't you just make a list of who does what? And if he doesn't do "whatever" to your standards, keep it to yourself! It's just not all that important that everything be perfect.

Like I always say, "Martha (Stewart) isn't coming here today." Relax!

[Maine-ah]

50. I do all of it

except for cooking & the lawn. Though he will help out now and then. With out being asked btw. :)

[sbj405]

51. I do 98% of the work. I'm interested in the suggestions, too.

If I ask for help, I get the "I'll get to it." Of course, then it's "oh i forgot."

[Ellen Forradalom]

52. The promise of oral sex

Has the power to move mountains.

Sorry, but...you asked!

[jpgray]

54. 50/50--but it's best to dissaude yourself of the notion that you deserve reward for house upkeep

More than outward expectation of reward, it shouldn't even be considered internally as a favor that comes with a debt. I find that works best in terms of housework--you do it because it needs doing, rather than constantly measuring it against what you receive in return and judging whether or not the return is worth the work. That's a good way to be bitter and hateful to someone without that someone realizing you have any cause to be. And I say that as one who does at least half the housework. :P

[MedleyMisty]

55. My husband does all of it

but we're both happy with that. Trust me, I worry all the time that he's going to end up resenting me and so I talk to him about it a lot. But he's the oldest of five and I'm the youngest by ten years and the only girl. Who do you think knows more about doing laundry and washing dishes?

As for tips - my brother and his wife post a list on the refrigerator of assigned chores.

[SarahB]

56. We've tended to end up with "default jobs"

We'll do the other person's default jobs though if need be. I'm the default laundry lady. I do about 95% of it. He will do it, but I have to be specific about it. That's probably my big advice: DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING. Give direction and be specific!

He is, however, the default chef/cook. If he's home and I'm home, he usually does it. If I cook, he cleans up. Usually vice versa unless something else is going on. I usually clean bathrooms (which is funny because I find lots of those red hairs all over... hmmm). We're equal tidy-uppers (clutter pick up), but when he has time, he's quicker about it. He will be default lawn guy because of the whole bathroom thing once we get a house. :D

Sit down and have the conversation. :hug:

[1monster]

57. Heck! I'd be shocked if I got even 98/2% breakdown in housework.

If I don't do it, it don't get down. And I'm thinking of running away. Three packrat males who leave things where ever they happen to be when they are done with it/hem (including all sorts of clothing, food, dishes, books, videos/cds and dvds, you name it, they leave it), seven cats who, when they want to lie somewhere will push anything already there on to the floor, and packrat puppy who raids the garbage can for paper towels to tear up/microwave oven meal dishes to chew on, and leave all around the house for toys (this despite the fact that he had really nice toys and chew toys galore, all of which he loves).