Frustrated about My Mom

[Liberalynn]

My Mom is in her seventies and she's been hit with some pretty heavy illnesses including chronic luekemia, osteoperosis, and a form of Parkinsons.
She does have a lot of pain and the side effects from her many, many, meds only add to the problem.

Yet even before any of this started she was never exactly Little Mary Sunshine. She's always been of the philosopy that complaints and criticisms are far better to give out then a compliment. "Thank you" and "good job", came out maybe 5 times of ten, now maybe 2 out of ten.

I know I am often disorganized, often slow moving, lacking in a tremendous amount of common sense I've been reminded often enough that though I might have book smarts which I've "wasted", I am pretty much lacking in any other kind.

I also freely admit that I really am often off in my own little world worrying about things like saving the U.S. Constitution and how to stop global warming, when I should be thinking about getting the dog hair off the carpet, or making sure all the dishes are done and put away. I also tend to daydream and think about what stories I'd like to write or read, and how I'd love a house in Maine, with just my pets and me, and the occasional dream about Julian Mcmahon or my celebrity flavor of the moment.

But I've tried hard to change and do what I can. I get the meals on the table, I do the dishes, I run the vaccum, I get Mom's medicine around, I go to the store with my sister on the weekends, and try to get what Mom and I need to get us trough to the weekend until my sister comes down again.

I admit though it hasn't been easy. I have chronic anxiety and chronic depression and if I get over tired, I either get cranky, sleep too much, or I start to cry, for very little reason. I'm working on that though too with a counselor. I go every other week, and I take the meds.

Its just I don't know what else that I can do? Part of me believes that some things about me are just hard wired into my personality and things that make me, me that cannont be changed, and parts maybe I don't want to change, like being concerned about the world or my creative side.

I don't want, however, to not live up to my responsiblities in the "real world" either or sound ungrateful for what I do have, or sound whiny, or unwilling to help.

Its just my's Mom's constant criticism, however, is getting wearing though. I might get a day and a half where she's friendly or kind to me, then the next day the barrage starts over again about how unhelpful and awful I am. My sis said maybe Mom would be better off in a senior living facility, but I don't want to let Mom down either. She took care of me when I was little so its partially my duty, and I don't want to fail.

Plus on the selfish side, I want to stay here with my dog and my cats, and my books, on my dad's family homestead, but I also want to get stronger and beat the anxiety and the depression, and maybe start actually writing the books instead of dreaming about writing them, and earning my way to Maine, and start actually figuring out how to have a real normal life of my own, maybe with a real Mr. Right, although that last one is lower on my list of priorties because I don't want to sadle anyone else with my neurosis.

My therapist tells me that the life I want is not going to happen unless I start to believe in myself, and with a constantly critical enviroment, that isn't going to be possible either.

I don't know, I probably shouldn't be going into so much here and dumping all my problems out. But since I don't work outside the home anymore, I am on disability now because of the depression/anxiety stuff, I don't have anyone to talk to besides my therapist and my sister, and I can't keep bugging them. My sis does what she can, but she has a sixty hour a week job, with lots of stress, and I can't keep letting it all go on her, and expecting my big sis to solve it for me. She's been there all her life for me, has been generous beyond belief, which is partially why she has to work the sixty hours, and that in itself is not fair to her.

I'm going to keep hanging in and doing the best I can. I guess I just needed to let it out. Thanks for reading.

[skygazer]

1. Those are tough situations

Your mom sounds like a difficult person to live with at the best of times and you deserve a lot of credit for doing what you do. There is no reason you should have to change for anyone. Tell me, when she took care of you when you were little, did you give her a constant barrage of criticism about how she did it? I'm guessing not.

I'm sure your mother is frustrated by her situation but its unfair to take it out on you. I don't know what the correct answer might be but its certainly unhealthy to be constantly told you're not good enough.

I'm sorry. :hug:

[Liberalynn]

3. Thak you!

:hug: and you are right. I have thought about constant cricism not being part of the deal when she was my care taker.

[Connonym]

12. Other than your sister are you getting any respite?

There's a hell of a lot of stress associated with being a caretaker even in the best of situations. Perhaps there is a program you mom might qualify for that would give you a caretaker to come in one afternoon a week or so. You need to be able to take care of yourself too. Sounds like a lot on your plate and maybe I'm projecting but it seems like you feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed and under appreciated. I think you've every right to feel that way. I wish I could offer some solid helpful advice. :hug: give yourself a break ok?

[Liberalynn]

14. That is a good idea about looking into a caretaker to come!

Plus I think she would benefit by seeing someone besides me every day. I wish she would agree to go to some senior programs and try to distract herself a bit as well.

Three of my cousins call her fairly regularly. There's one in particular that's been more like a son to her than a nephew but she has started to talk so negative about life with him too, that I am afraid he's going to stop calling her as well. I don't blame him. He's had heart surgery himself and a farm to run, and I know she's been depressing him too.

You hit the nail right on the head. I do feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed and under under appreciated. I guess I have to say to remind myself that as you say it is okay and natural to feel that way.

I do need to start taking more breaks though. Like taking longer walks with the dog outside, and maybe getting to the library or volunteering at least one day a week.

Thanks Connonym! :hug:

[MissMillie]

2. your mom's behavior is exacerbated by the fact that she is sick

and you have a hard time dealing w/ her behavior because you're battling your own illness.

Tough stuff.

I'm glad you're in therapy.

I think if you choose to stay to help out your mom, you have to do so w/ the knowledge that her behavior is not likely to improve. You need to find a way to feel good about yourself despite her criticism.

Please be honest w/ yourself about whether or not you can handle it. Otherwise staying won't help you and it won't help your mother either.

:hug:

[Liberalynn]

4. Thanks!

You're right. I think I do have to start be honest with myself about whether I can take care of her and cope with my own illness at the same time, because other wise it is not fair to either of us.

[crispini]

5. Oh, whoa.

Tough stuff. :hug: My first thought is that you need more friends & allies in the real world to help counterbalance that stream of criticism. It's so great to feel like you have people around who are "on your side." I have felt alone with problems like that, and it is so much harder to climb out of a hole when you feel alone. :hug: Can you possibly do some volunteering somewhere, maybe at your local Democratic Party office or with another club, anything that will get you out of your mom's influence and where you could possibly meet some more like-minded souls?

I understand that it sounds much more practical in your life to stay put at this time, but she sounds very bad for you, and you have to at least find some way to buffer that very powerful influence if you do stay put.

Good luck. :loveya:

[Liberalynn]

6. Volunteering with the local Democratic Party

is a great suggestion. I have signed up on their website and have started receiving e-mails about upcoming events so maybe I will try going out, and meeting some people that way.

Thanks: :hug:

[redqueen]

7. Aw honey...

I hope you know how strong you are, to have shouldered all that weight as long as you have.

I hope it helped to let it out... and that you have more luck focusing on the peace you do have, and let that bring you strength. I honestly wonder if you realize how strong you really are.

Good luck. :pals:

[Liberalynn]

10. Thak you!

It means a lot RedQueen!:hug:

[soleft]

8. Have you ever seen the movie Now Voyager?

With Bette Davis. What always inspires me about that movie is that Bette Davis goes from a woman who's destroyed by her mother's sharp critism, and ends up in the end so healed that when her mother acts like her old cantankerous self, Bette Davis laughs and says, "Oh mother, you're such a character, you never change".

Bette Davis takes away all the power her mother haves over her and it frees her to have the best relationship with her mother that she's able to have.

I think I've taken a similar journey where things my parents do used to drive me beserk, and now I just kind of shrug and accept that that's they way they are.

An important component to this is that things I wanted from my parents like unconditional love, and support and acceptance, I've been able to get from other people in my life.

Getting your needs met is the key to happiness.

[Liberalynn]

11. I haven't seen that Movie

but it does sound like one I definitely should see.

I am lucky in my sister that she always has given me unconditional love and so did my Dad.

I think I am to have to practice a bit of radical acceptance and realize that unconditional love is something my Mom can't seem to give.
While its always felt like a rejecting of me, maybe it really isn't.


Like you did with your parents I guess I do have to learn that she just is who she is.

Thanks soleft! :hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

9. My mom is in a nursing home.

I am the only sibling who visits her, and I visit her quite often.

She nails me to the wall whenever I visit.

Comments about my appearance, my hair is greying, how often I should be visiting her, etc.

I grin and bear it, or handle it with humor when appropriate.

My feeling is this - as adults, we need to let go of the emotional pain our parents inflict on us.

Who cares what your mother says? She still loves you. I don't know why parents get like that, and I don't care. Live your life, do what YOU think is best...everything else is just noise.

It's tough to let this go, but if you don't, you will be forever second guessing yourself.

[Liberalynn]

13. Thank you Philboy!

:hug:

You are right. I think underneath it all she does love me in her way, and I need to start hanging on to that and let the rest go.

[Breeze54]

15. Many hugs to Liberalynn!!

Been there, done that with my Dad. He wasn't sick, well, he had his issues...
legally blind, broken hip, COPD and a bad case of waiting for my mother to die.

He could be really nasty and bossy and just plain selfish but I chalked it up
to old age, immaturity and used to getting his own way. But that didn't help my
anger after I'd just left there, after writing all his checks to pay bills and
driving him around to get supplies. He'd tell me how to drive and he couldn't SEE!!!
:rofl: ... :grr:

My sister who rarely visited at the time would try to tell me to 'calm down' and
then give me all the above reasons why he was difficult but it didn't help. I was
still pissed off and would have to bite the bullet and take a deep breath until my
next visit there, which was 4 and sometimes 5 days a week, after work and on my days
off. I was exhausted.

I finally did tell him, while he was in a good mood, that his bossiness was irritating
and upsetting. I gently confronted him about it. I think elderly sometimes don't realize
that that's the way they're acting or sounding.

Can you get any help from any neighbors? We had a neighbor that would come over once
or twice during the week to lend a hand or just sit and talk with him and check on my
Mom while we were at work, etc. She was a retired nurse. What a doll she was to us!
Her husband would visit him too and a local priest. My Dad just having someone else
to talk to during the week, made our job easier, and made him easier to deal with!!

Well, just wanted you to know that your feelings are real and valid and are OKAY!!!

I think a lot of caregivers suffer from more stress than the patient!

I hope you can get some extra help. :hug:

[Liberalynn]

16. Thanks Breeze54!

Your neighbor does sound wonderful. We do have a great couple across the road who have stopped into talk with her a couple of times, and the wife drove me to the ER one night, when my Mom had to go in via the ambulance. Her blood pressure meds washed out her Potassium, so they had to take her off the diuretic they had her on.

There is also a guy my dad used to work with who lives just down the road, who stops by every now and then, and she seems to perk up a bit when he's here. He has a great big laugh and its almost impossible to be down when you are around him. He told me yesterday, I could call he and his wife, if I needed to, when he came to see her.

That is funny about how your Dad told you how to drive. My Mom sense of distance perception has gone way off and whenever I drive her to the doctor she yells "Stop" you're going to run into that car ahead of you, and I'm like not even any where near it. :rofl:

I'm a white knuckle driver at best and I finally told her, if I need your help, I'll ask I promise, but in the meantime, you are going to cause me to have an accident, if you don't stop that.

[Breeze54]

19. Then call them and ask them if they could make thier visits

regular, on regular days!! That's what really cheered my Dad up!

He had SOMETHING to look forward too! Ya know what I mean?

And the priest would bring communion and then take my Dad to Dunkin' Donuts.

You'd think he'd gone to Broadway and seen a show, on those days! :rofl:

Take advantage of other people's offers!! Be smart! ;)

You're only one person. Take care of yourself and know that she loves you.

It's just she's pissed at being sick and losing her independence.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

17. Some thoughts...

Your therapist was right about the "believe in yourself." The times I've pulled myself out of depression, I've done it with a lot of positive energy... digging down deeply, at times, for it. Once, when I was younger, and much more disciplined, I kept a sticky note visible where I would see it. It read: "Think Positively!!!" And, I walked every morning, on the beach, before work (when I lived in Southern California). The combination of more exercise and thinking positively made a world of difference for me. But, you have to do what works for you.

I'll just add this one thing, which I've learned the hard way... you really have to tell someone if they are dragging you down. It is possible your Mother doesn't know she's being negative. I'd ask your counselor what the best way, would be, to approach your Mom on this subject.

Good luck. And hugs to you... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Liberalynn]

22. I have been missing my longer morning walks with my dog.

I used to walk her in the fields but we rented out this year and the farmer planted corn so it took away a huge walking space but maybe we could just stay out and play longer in the yard and just come in to check on my Mom on and off because I worry about her falling.

The sticky note sounds like a good idea as well. I did have a book of positive affirmations and I need to find it and start reading it again.

My counselor has offered to have my Mom come in for a joint session and I asked my Mom because I said I wanted a better relationship for both of us, and her response was "your crazy I'm not." There have been times when I have gotten the courage to tell her that what she says hurts, and she apologizes, but then the next day, its like the apology never happened. My sister has talked to her about it too, and then she just gets negavtive with my sister.

I know my Mom needs counseling too but we can't convince her.

So I guess I just have to start concentrating on changing my reaction to her.

Thanks KC2 :hug:

[libodem]

18. We have similar situations

my Mom is 78. Soon to be 79 on the 20th. She is still in her own home and desperately wants to stay there. Her mind is slipping and she's getting paranoid. Twice she's been mad as hell at me because she thinks I have taken her car keys because she knows I don't want her to drive. I'm hoping they won't renew her license. I'm currently off on disability, too, healing from a spinal fusion. This week I'm calling an attorney to start guardianship and conseratorship paperwork. I read the whole booklet to her sent by the office on aging. When I came to the 'dementia' part of the explanations I choked up and couldn't read. I hate to see it happen. But avoidance and denial are a dangerous mix so I can't wait any longer.

[Liberalynn]

23. Hugs Libodem

I'm sending you lots of healing wishes on the spinal fusion.

The paranoia element in aging parents is hard to deal with. I don't blame you in hoping your state won't renew your Mom's liscense. My Mom has pretty much accepted that she can't drive the car anymore.

She actually seems more upset that she can't ride her riding lawn mower any more because of the danger from the Osteoperosis. She used to love that, as she said it reminded her of driving tractor on her Dad's farm and she loved being out doors.

She does accuse me of things like moving her scissors or taking her caculator, or putting her medicine in the wrong place, etc. though.

My sister said we are going to have to start considering other options too, and its scary but I think you are right that denial and putting it off is dangerous.

:hug:

[libodem]

27. thanks

Yeah, my Mom wants to drive the scooter to the library. All the drive ways are steep and the old sidewalks don't have the slopped edges on the corners. She'd get killed in the road. She forgets we have talked about it before. Every time she acts like its a new, low blow, when we tell her, no, again. And then she's mad for awhile. She's a strong, willed Leo, who has never taken anything lying down. That's why I'm trying to be cooperative. That damn, Authoritarian, WWII Generation. So scared you are going to pull one over on 'em, or 'control', them somehow. She has to stop driving. Your mom sounds similar. We are both kinda in the same boat.

[Thirtieschild]

20. Hugs, blessings and lots of light.

You have taken on a huge load of responsibility - and she's saddled you with a huge load of guilt. Sounds to me like she's extremely depressed and would benefit from an anti-depressant. Irritability and criticism are prime symptoms of depression, at least in my experience. (And I have a lot of experience with depression, in my father, my husband, my son and myself.) You might talk to her doctor about what she's feeling, the effect is has on you, and maybe he could prescribe something to help her feel better.

Hang in there. You're earning sainthood points.

[Roon]

21. I am glad that my Grandparents are very liberal

My Grandmother is a democrat and my Grandfather is Independent. It sure is a lot of fun to discuss politics with them!!

[Liberalynn]

25. That is great Roon!

that you and your grandparents share political talks :hug: Actually that is one thing my Mom and I do manage to agree about most of the time. She thinks Bush is an idiot too. When she sees him on TV she always says "what an ass!"

She's a registered Republican because she likes to vote in our town primaries for town offices, and sadly our town doesn't usually offer a Democratic nominee, but she votes Democratic and even listens to Stephanie Miller with me sometimes all though she gets "offended" by all the "sex talk." :rofl:

[Roon]

28. It's weird

My Grandparents are liberal,but both of my parents are very right wing.

[mentalsolstice]

24. You're not alone!

I'm watching my sweet, loving husband run his ass off right now for his father, whom I've never heard pay his son a compliment, just complaints. It's really a tough situation...however, we know you're a good-hearted person, doing the best you can do. :hugs:

[Liberalynn]

26. Thank you mentalsolstice

:hug: to you and your husband too! Good luck to him with his father as well!

[mentalsolstice]

29. Do what you have to do! nt

[wildhorses]

30. ~

:hug: