Is this common? A blatant lie, what kind of a human being lies like this?

[RB TexLa]

My cousin met a woman at a party they then went out the next week and have been seeing each other for about 3 months. Tonight he was at the grocery store and ran into her and her 4 year old son. Amazing she had a son because on the first date when asked she told him she had never been married and did not have children. Turns out both were lies, she has an ex-husband and a child. At least he found out, this is truly a despicable person.

[SeattleGirl]

1. Man, that really sucks.

Not only that she lied, but that she was seemingly doing so in order to attract him to her. I really hate that.

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. Yeah, don't get someone involved and hooked and then parade in the children and the ex.

[HEyHEY]

3. I feel for her

Maybe she lied cause since the divorce it's hard to find a man and she just wanted someone to help cure her loneliness. And all men hit the road when they found out about junior.

[ruiner4u]

6. yeah i agree with you...

however, 3 months? thats a long time to keep something like that quiet...AND how did she hide the kid that long?

[Deja Q]

15. That's rationalizing, but you do have a point.

If people were more honest in the first place... but then that would scare other people off, which is probably why some people would lie in the first place. (I too am guilty of rationalizing...)

I have a cure for loneliness. And it doesn't involve lying.

[NewJeffCT]

20. I never really did

Maybe that's why I did so well dating between my marriages - I never ruled out dating single/divorced moms. Heck, the first woman I had sex with during the divorce process was a divorced mom.

[greatauntoftriplets]

22. My nephew married a divorced woman with 3 kids....

and he loves those kids. Not ALL men.

[Seabiscuit]

37. That's no justification for lying about it and deceiving anyone she's dating.

There are always plenty of men out there without issues about women with children from prior marriages.

[SarahB]

44. I don't.

I have four children (4!) and I went through a divorce. I was upfront from the beginning because I knew there were people who wouldn't want a relationship with me because of that. I also knew some there were people out there who could love me for me and were already family-oriented or had kids too, so it wouldn't be an issue. I think anyone who could lie about something so important isn't a very trustworthy person.

[Swede]

4. The ball is in his court now.

He can blow her off,or he can continue. Can he forgive her?

[RB TexLa]

5. Continue? With a liar? No, he told her no thanks.

[Richard Steele]

13. Good call. That's a "RUN, do not walk" situation right there, I tellyawhut! nm

[Ellen Forradalom]

7. This one:

screen shot of adjacent threads

[GoddessOfGuinness]

8. She said she had an ex-husband...

If your cousin had stayed with her in spite of her lies, he may well have learned that her "ex" wasn't quite her ex.

[Fire Walk With Me]

9. Who lies like that? Someone afraid of rejection.

Who hasn't yet experienced enough rejection from the lie itself that they'd eventually end up choosing to be honest upfront.

She should look into dating in the church scenes. She might have better luck, FWIW.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

10. I tried a couple of large church singles groups.

Played tons of volleyball.

A couple of guys acted interested in me, but if I called them up to go out, they said they were seeing somebody else. I hung up.

One guy got mad at me for wasting his time talking to him, and then he sent me a nasty letter saying he didn't want to talk to me any more. He talked a lot more than I did!! Later he told my girlfriend that he wondered why I didn't call him!!! He kept asking her how I was doing. She, bless her heart, ripped into him and reminded him that he very rudely told me to bug off!!!!! He was so weird that I was the only female that was interested in him (super intelligent engineering nerd type).


To any guy who found out I had a child, at that instant I became radioactive. It's true.


Immature men (i'm talking never married 35 to 40 year olds) can't handle the idea.



I finally found a mature one with some experience with wives and kids.



I could see why she was so desperate for companionship she hid the child from him, knowing that she would probably have a 90% chance of rejection because of the child. I used to get positively enraged over that, in private.

[Fire Walk With Me]

11. "I finally found a mature one with some experience with wives and kids."

Good! It only takes one :-)

And unfortunately, there are extremely strong biological reasons that causes these things to happen, for those who don't think beyond them, or even recognize them. Also, a stepfather is supposed to be far more likely to damage a child that is not his own. Studies of lion prides detail this, IIRC.

Biology is real and present. Thankfully we are able to choose to ignore its messages.

[AngryAmish]

29. Studies of lion prides, heck, look at current US domestic abuse stats

Being a stepchild is much more dangerous than being a non-stepchild.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

52. And he was ten years older than me.

He was divorced twice and had grown kids.

The point is that I could not find any 35 to 40 year old men when I was that age that would go out with me. They acted like they were scared of women and scared of commitment. And that was not counting the fact that I was divorced and had a small child.

It really disgusts me that it seems to be so hard to find a man who is not scared of commitment, or not scared of women in general, or have impossibly high standards.

I thought that in grad school I would have dates. All the future lawyers wanted trophy wives. I wasn't tall enough and skinny enough and stupid enough to be a trophy wife. They were threatened by their female classmates. That is sad.

I've been told I'm beautiful, sometimes, for many years, but I wasn't pretty enough for these bastards.

I was 40 before I could find a mature man, older than me, without those hangups.

[hfojvt]

12. ONE child never bothered me

as long as it was older than 18 months. Two or more starts to become an awful lot of baggage. Once I got to be 28, I figured it was inevtiable that the women I was dating would have children.

[Rabrrrrrr]

18. Oh, for fuck's sake. What bullshit.

"immature men can't handle the idea".

No, dearie - it's men who are mature enough to know themselves well enough that they don't want to be involved with children. What would you rather - that they be immature enough to get into a relationship that they know isn't going to work for them?


Don't be so ignorant. How ridiculous.

[Connonym]

27. It's not immature to not want kids -- it IS jerky to refuse to accept another man's kids

and that's what it boils down to in a lot of cases. Your opinion may vary but I feel the same way about my girlfriends who won't date men who have children. I'll grant you that kids complicate things and sometimes they make a relationship impossible but to outright reject someone because you don't want to "deal with" some other man/woman's kids is pretty cold.

On the other hand, my brother's theory is that any "good woman" who has reached 40 without having a past must have something wrong with her. I don't know if I agree with that entirely but there does come a point in life when you have to be suspicious of someone who hasn't collected at least a little baggage along the way.

[Rabrrrrrr]

46. It's neither jerky nor cold.

It's no different than not dating people you don't find attractive, or not dating stupid people, or not dating people with disgusting manners, or not dating guys who wear white after labor day...

Why get stuck on the idea on that we can pick and choose our mates all we want, on whatever criteria we want, BUT - if one of those criterion is "can't have kids", that person is some kind of shitwad suckhole empty vessel of a poor fucking excuse for a human being?

That's fucking nonsense.

If people don't want to date people with children, that's their choice - it doesn't mean they're Satan himself.

I don't know - maybe you're part of the segment of our society that worships children and can never understand that some people either just don't like children, or have no interest in raising any of them. But there are a lot of us out here, and we are not evil shitbags. Nor are we selfish Nazis, immature fuckbrains, or rancid prancing egoists floating off to the horizon in our inflated ego-filled heads.

I know it can be frustrating for people with children who are trying to date - but to dehumanize and mischaracterize people who don't want to be involved with someone with children is to be smacked of the entirety of the immaturity and assholery you accuse that person of.

[Connonym]

47. Re-read my post

I'm not discussing people who are childless by choice. I'm discussing people who would otherwise want a family but who consider women (in particular) with children as damaged goods. That one goes deep in the whole virgin/whore thing in our culture. But also, as a friend and relative of several adopted children and adoptive parents, I find it painful to think that some people are so hung up on spreading their own DNA that the can't love a child who doesn't share it. That itself makes me question their motivation in wanting children. Is it about spreading seed or about sharing love? Nothing wrong with not wanting children at all, it's actually a very mature decision, certainly more so than people who blindly go about having kids because it's what they think they're supposed to do. I don't know, some people believe we're genetically hardwired to love only our own offspring and reject those that aren't ours biologically. I personally choose to reject that hardwiring and open myself up to love where I find it.

[TK421]

50. These guys know all about sowing seeds of love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUSoI26-qgQ


Truly some wise men, these two

[SarahB]

45. I agree with you.

The last thing I'd want is to have gone out with someone who was going out with me in spite of my children and then have them tell me that after we were already emotionally involved. It's better to know certain truths about these major preferences before a relationship even starts. I wouldn't date stupid men (which is at least 90% of our idiot population), republicans, the morbidly obese, sexually repressed, or anyone with an intrusive mother. We all have our preferences.

[truedelphi]

35. That sounds horrible.

I hope things go beter.

I had a roommate who used a "paid" dating service. At the time I thought that it was weird to pay like $ 600 to get introductions to people - but looking back on it, she met men who were very mature and caring.

Whereas the guys I ended up dating probably cost me WAY more than $ 600!!

[enigmatic]

14. having kids has always been a deal breaker for me

I've never wanted any and have seen too many friends both male and female who dated those w/ kids that had a running war w/ their ex-spouses for me to kill off whatever little desire I had left to begin with for it.

That said, I realize it's hard for singles w/ kids to date, but it can be done.

[Deja Q]

16. Same here, with the addition

I've been told by some I would not make a good father. Indeed, with certain issues from childhood (PPD, abuse), I am smart enough to know I would be a fool to do so. I am not good around children, cannot handle chaotic environments, and as much as I want the best for children and the future, I would not make a good parent.

So I donate money to apropos causes. It's the best I can do.

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. Wow - that makes her a despicable person?

I'd hate to think of what you think of people who do actual bad things.

[NewJeffCT]

19. It's happened to me a lot over the years

I've met more than a few women that had said they were divorced, only to find out that they were not... or, had maybe just started the divorce process, which I know can get messy at times. One woman even went so far as to claim she was separated from her husband, but then later said theat they still lived together, even though she was really separated (she also showed up with a 1 year old child in a stroller - something she had also never mentioned)

Not to mention meeting women from online that claim to look like some Hollywood actress or famous supermodel, only to find out the Hollywood actress is Rosie O'Donnell or Oprah Winfrey...It's not always easy to tell from a facial picture. And, I used to give people the benefit of the doubt when they would tell me... And, I like, and have dated, women of all shapes and sizes, but I would have preferred honesty up front.

The weird thing is, a lot of that happened before I married my ex-wife 10 years ago. As soon as she filed for divorce, I met a bunch of very attractive women from online. It must have been trendy for a while there?

[DS1]

21. there's some messed up shit in this thread

wow

[Fire Walk With Me]

40. Yeah. We are now at critical "IBTL" mass.

People are just flaming for no reason except to flame. Not cool.

[redqueen]

49. agreed

:hide:

[IndianaJones]

23. I'm not for the death penalty or anything, but I wouldn't be too broken up

if they just executed this monster.

[Karenina]

26. You would like a woman

who concealed that she had conceived a child to be executed. Erraaaa... O.K.

[IndianaJones]

32. I said I wasn't for the DP. nt.

[Karenina]

38. How very white of you!

:rofl:

[IndianaJones]

39. Now that one cuts. nt.

[jobycom]

31. IF

I read that write, then :rofl:

If it wasn't satirical, then :wtf:

[IndianaJones]

33. I'm trying harder to fit in. nt.

[jobycom]

34. That can make one psychotic. nt

[begin_within]

24. What else is she not telling him?

[AngryOldDem]

25. How long did she think she would be able to keep this from him?

Why do people lie in the first place? All it does is dig a deeper hole, and eventually it all catches up. Ain't worth it.

[skygazer]

28. Uh... virtually every human being

Maybe not about the exact same thing but please give me a break. Yeah, it was a stupid thing to lie about since if the relationship went anywhere she'd eventually have to admit she'd started it on a lie but people do that all the time.

They lie about their age, their job, their income, their past, their interests, their political opinions, their taste in food - they lie about anything to impress the person they're dating and so get a second date.

Most of the time, they're not big lies and they don't make too much of a difference but a lot of times, they do. Saying you're an architect when you're actually a mailroom clerk is pretty deceptive. Saying you're 27 when you're actually 38 is too. Sending a photo of your good-looking cousin instead of yourself is pretty nasty.

I'd be upset if someone lied like that to me, too but your post shrieks of moral outrage as if she did something on a par with the Rwandan massacre. Christ, people lie all the time - it's not pretty but "truly despicable?"

[jobycom]

30. Having never dated, i don't know. But I've been told worse lies by my mom

and sister, and brothers, and spouse, and best friends. And kids. And even my cats, I think. I'm pretty fierce in my expectations of honesty, but I wouldn't have done what your friend did, I don't think.

If they were talking marriage and she kept it from him, I guess he's got a point. If they were just dating, I don't see it as a shockingly big deal. Lying is never good, but it happens. She may have lied at first expecting a short relationship, and not known how to break the truth later. I'd have more sympathy and understanding for someone I had at least pretended to care about for three months. I'd have suggested listening to her explanations, then deciding based on his entire experience with her whether he still wanted the relationship. Maybe he did that, it just doesn't sound like it from your post.

Just my thoughts. Hard to know the full story from a brief post on it. Maybe he had other problems or suspicions already, and this just proved them all, which would make it a different story.

But that's me. I'm goofy. I married a childhood sweatheart, stayed with her 19 years, and separated a couple of years ago, for reasons I won't get into, but that did involve lying. But that was just one aspect of the problems, and not the final straw. I forgave many lies, and she forgave many of my shortcomings, over the years. We are still friends. I haven't dated since then, maybe because I just don't know how to! Or maybe no one would want to go out with a vegetarian liberal with a pony tail and two adorable daughters. :)

[AllegroRondo]

36. I see you've met my ex.

she would lie about anything. even stuff you wouldnt bother to think to lie about.

[RB TexLa]

41. I've never met this person, and don't care to meet her

[Nikia]

42. People lie all the time

I have lied to aquaintances and people who I am beginning to be friends with about several details of my life. I have had friends lie about several details of their lives also, telling me more and more of the truth as they felt more comfortable with me.
One might argue that an ex husband and a child is quite an important detail to lie enough. Obviously though, she thought that she had a good reason for hiding it for at least a little while.

[Pushed To The Left]

43. Some people just can't be trusted. Could thing he found out she was a liar

before things got serious.

[applegrove]

48. That is awful.

[redqueen]

51. I just want to say ONE thing... about the lying thing.

I think people who take a zero tolerance attitude towards lies are probably insecure from being lied to before... and that perhaps a more nuanced view of other people as human beings and not candidates for sainthood is in order.

And I say this as someone who used to take that zero tolerance attitude to heart. People aren't perfect... sometimes we have to forgive each other our flaws.

That said, if there's not enough clickage for him to want to continue the relationship and get to know her again as an honest person, sharing her complete self, then so be it... but if there was significant clickage, I think he might reconsider giving her the heave ho, so...

anyway, that's my nearly incomprehensible two cents