Post the dumbest things you've heard in the workplace

[_testify_]

I'll go first.

A few employees are chatting about one's inability to quit smoking. Someone suggests cold turkey.

Warehouse manager: Y'know, I've heard that all my life. How does eating cold turkey help you quit smoking??

:wow:

Also, from the same guy - he thought Cinco De Mayo was 'Secret Admirer Day'.

[redqueen]

1. And that's the MANAGER?

Ay caramba.


Hmmm... well I worked with a guy who swore up and down that his life was better after he "found god" but that it REALLY kicked into high gear after he started tithing the full 10% of his gross, like he should have been all along.

[_testify_]

2. It's a sore subject.

He's incredibly inept, rude, and incapable of stringing together coherent thoughts.


But he went to HS with one of our owners. Oh, and they golf together.


As far as your 'friend'...he really believed that he was more blessed once he starting tithing?? Finding god wasn't enough, he had to pay him off too!

[redqueen]

3. Ohhhhhh no no no no no... co-worker... not friend.

Guy used to proselytize constantly... stopped by my desk to tell me all about hell, in the hopes that I'd join his church. :eyes:


Isn't management by cronism the BEST way to run a business? :bounce:

[_testify_]

5. Absolutely.

I am not a popular guy sometimes because I constantly point out the double standards. I've even been pulled behind closed doors and told 'not to worry about it'.

So now I use every chance I get to point out loudly when the warehouse is in shambles that the 'manager' must have had a tee time open up.

[flvegan]

4. "Thinking is the enemy"

Our COO said it at my previous employer. Good guy, good sense of humor. I took it way out of context and threw it back at him time and again in jest. Even made a little poster and put it up in my cube.

[_testify_]

6. LOL

I assume he meant 'over-thinking'?

[flvegan]

9. It was concerning production

More of a don't think about it, just do it kind of thing. Something like, "when you're trying to make production, thinking is the enemy." It was during a company meeting (big law firm). We were all a bunch of clowns. I actually said right after he said that, "dude, I am SO using that during my next review." He laughed.

[IntravenousDemilo]

7. "This is the way we've always done it."

Bugs the crap out of me. What if my way is better?

[_testify_]

10. I fight that every damned day.

Resistance to change...even when the system is totally and apparently flawed.

[radfringe]

13. read this book

Sacred Cows Make the Best Burgers: Developing Change-Ready People and Organizations

http://www.amazon.com/Sacred-Cows-Make-Best-Burgers/dp/0446672602

[IntravenousDemilo]

20. Can't do Amazon -- I don't believe in credit cards. Luckily it's also at eBay for 50 cents...

...plus an indeterminate amount in postage (probably more than 50 cents, though).

So nothing is stopping me from ordering it, expense-wise. What should I be looking for in the book when I get it?

[radfringe]

27. didn't mean you had to buy it from Amazon, it was just a convenient link

ennywho - the book talk about how businesses get stuck in doing things because we've always done it that way - it offers suggestions, new ways to look at a work place to improve production/cut costs just by changing methods. examining what has always been done that way, ask why was it done that way and does it still apply today

he tells of one place that manufactured shampoo. originally the shampoo was sold in glass bottles. for shipping/safety concerns, a special box was made to hold each individual bottle. the company later switched to plastic bottles, but still continued to put them in the special boxes.

when asked why were they using the special boxes, he was told because they always did it that way

the original purpose of the special boxes was to protect the glass bottles from breaking during shipping.

plastic bottles do not break, so they don't need special individual boxes.

[IntravenousDemilo]

29. I'll be getting it nevertheless. Thanks for the info.

Ugh, the attitude of that company is exactly what I mean. Authority hates being questioned. Unfortunately, I absolutely live to question authority unless I've appointed it myself.

[radfringe]

32. another good one is called The Peter Principle

discusses how people rise to their level of incompetency...

[IntravenousDemilo]

34. I think I read that in high school 30 years ago. Some truths don't go out of style. n/m

[krispos42]

15. "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."

Dead Horses


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In business, however, it seems that we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Incidently, this seems to be the framework that BushCo runs on...

[IntravenousDemilo]

23. Awesome list, thank you. I just printed it out.

Love the Dilbert, too.

[SeattleGirl]

8. Said to me and the Shipping/Receiving Manager by the CFO of

a department store I worked at:

"Your report this month was perfect. Let's see if we can improve on that next month."

:eyes:

[_testify_]

11. Well did you??

:)

[SeattleGirl]

12. Of course!

A 200% improvement over the previous month's perfection. :P

[fudge stripe cookays]

26. Wow.

You're good. :D

[ironflange]

45. Improvement is easy for me

Because 200% of zero is still zero.

[radfringe]

14. we finished up a big job a week or so ago

had short group meeting

we got a pat on the back for doing an excellent job, and a kick in the pants to taking too long doing the excellent job...

[_testify_]

17. Awesome. Master motivators, huh?

I've come to detest meetings of any kind.

[Rabrrrrrr]

16. "I need you here 15 minutes before your shift starts, to clean up"

:wtf:

Said to me by my drug store manager after I showed up a couple days in a row at opening time, which is the time he put on the schedule. Never told me there was expectation that 9:00 am actually meant 8:45 am, and that I was supposed to sweep outside.

"Do I get to punch in those fifteen minutes early?" I asked.

"No, of course not" he said.

"Then I ain't coming in early," I said.




There was the time I just popped in to get something once, and the manager asked me to go deliver something to a customer. "Do I get to clock in?" I asked. "No, of course not, it will only take a few minutes." "Then I ain't doing it." "But we don't have anyone here who can do it right now." "Sounds like you're stuck - either I clock in and get paid, or I don't do it."

He let me clock in.

And then the Christmas dialogue:

"Rabrrrrrr, you're the newest, so you're working Christmas".

"I don't work Christmas".

"But you have to, you're the newest."

"I'm only part-time, and I don't work Christmas - that's family day for me. I have never, ever worked Christmas, anywhere. We have a huge family gathering, it's a holiday, and I think being open on Christmas is stupid, and I won't work it."

"I'm going to put you on the schedule".

"Go ahead, but I won't come in."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Okay...." and he shuffled off.

Thankfully, I was only part-time, and had a better paying full-time job with benefits elsewhere, so I could dictate my own terms of employment. I really only worked there because my friends worked there, and for the few extra bucks it garnered.

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. Oh, and at the same place "Our Christmas party is at such and such - it'll cost you about $25"

Yep - we were expected to pay for our own meal at the store Christmas party.

[_testify_]

21. Ugh. We pull the same crap.

We've got 2 guys who carpool. Sometimes we need something to delivered to one of locations near their home, so the boss will tell them to leave at 4:15 and they'll get paid until 5pm. But ONLY the one who's driving. The other guy just gets shafted. It should be said that making deliveries is NOT in the job description of either guy.

My gf worked at a movie rental store on the day Hurricane Charlie was supposed to hit (it never did hit us) and her boss calls and tells her to go open the store. She says, 'But it's YOUR Shift' and he says 'Don't you know there's a hurricane coming? I'm not going anywhere!'

[achtung_circus]

18. There are a few here:

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

[Cabcere]

22. This one is one of my favorites:

http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/archives/002439.html

(And yes, I'm probably going to hell for how hard I laughed at that one.) :P

[IntravenousDemilo]

25. I guess I'll be keeping company with you in hell, then. Shall I bring the ice? n/m

[electricmonk]

24. If you want to listen to the radio....

you have to use a battery powered one because they use too much electricity. Said by a department manager in a factory with over 100 30amp/480volt machines running 3 shifts 6 days a week. I asked my supervisor "is he fucking kidding?" Answer was no. He's now the VP.

[_testify_]

28. Yeah, we had to be reminded to make sure the vent in the mens room

is turned off.


Meanwhile we have a 1350W microwave.

[Coyote_Bandit]

30. "I've never

supervised a professional woman before and I don't know how to treat you"

Translation: I'm a sexist old bastard. A good old boy. I'm going to ignore you. Don't be upset if I regularly invite all of your male colleagues to lunch or golf or drinks. Department strategy is likely to be a topic of conversation but we won't formally adopt any policy changes until we meet here in the office. My brainless trophy wife will be jealous if I include you in the group. You're just not one of the boys. The only time I intend to talk to you is when I have opportunity to question or criticize your work.

Bastard. I later learned that no professional level female employee had stayed at the company in any department or in any capacity for more than three years. Had I known either of these two things I would never have accepted the position offered. F*ck 'em.

Knowing you were discriminated against because of your gender is one thing. Being able to prove it in a court of law is quite another.

[OzarkDem]

42. Sounds familiar

Heard variations on that one many times climbing the corporate ladder.

[Coyote_Bandit]

56. I've been

knocked off the ladder so many times I decided to build my own. Self-employed. No boys allowed.

:evilgrin:

[OzarkDem]

67. Hey, me too!

Ladies only at our place, too.

[Rambis]

31. "I couldn't fucken believe that" 276 times in one day

co-worker would say it after every sentence. I had to quit the construction business and go back to college. thank the gods-

[momto3]

33. My favorite is from a student in my sociology class...

Since I have been a student longer than I have been an employee, the dumbest thing I have ever heard came from a classmate. We were studying mass psychology in a sociology class. Specifically, we were talking about the mob psychology that occurred on the Titanic. I took this class a couple of years after the movie was released. The girl sitting next to me stood up and said "You mean that was a real boat?" How do you get to be a college student without having at least heard about the Titanic?

:wow:

[driver8]

64. Ha Ha -- that's funny!!

Obviously not the sharpest tool in the shed.

[kwassa]

35. "These Buffalo Wings taste exactly like chicken!"

Employees at lunch.

I kid you not.

Guess where she thought the wings were from?

[driver8]

65. Do you work with Jessica Simpson?? n/t

[NewWaveChick1981]

36. I've heard some dumbass stuff....

One of the dumbest statements ever:

"We need to increase our nimbility in the marketplace." :wtf: Nimbility???? That isn't even a word. And neither is its even-more-of-a-bastard-cousin "nimbilicious", heard shortly after that original statement was made. :puke:

[radfringe]

38. maybe he was a nimbecile?

[NewWaveChick1981]

39. Actually, you hit the nail on the head.

:rofl: That came from my dumbass boss at my previous job. :P He was a nimbecile indeed. :rofl:

[VLC]

41. DUzy!

[radfringe]

37. true story related to my by my sister

quite a few years ago she worked as a server in a restaurant in Ft. Pierce area of florida

as part of breaking up the routine, the owners would assign you to different jobs - sometimes you served, sometimes you did the seat hosting, other times you ran the cash register

one night a new employee was running the register - a couple came up to pay their bill. They were of asian heritage.

The gentleman opens his wallet, pulls out his visa card and asks "VISA?"

the employee says - "oh no, I don't need to see your passport..."

----------

sidenote: the employee was blonde... :eyes:

[Zephyrbird]

53. ROTFL!!

duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

hee hee. How embarassing! Or maybe she didn't get it after all...

[CBHagman]

40. True stories.

One co-worker said she thought terrorists were backing John Kerry's bid for the presidency.

Another co-worker said, "Rich people are rich because they've worked harder." Same co-worker went ballistic when I chuckled at some headline in The Washington Times (You know, the money-losing Moonie paper). Waving a copy of The New York Times, she shouted that I couldn't just read "liberal" newspaper. Why, as a matter of fact, I can. This is America, after all.

[VLC]

43. I win with this story of the amazing magical space fax!!!

My friend used to work in one building and most of the office was in another. Occasionally the "main" office would fax him stuff to do.

So one time a girl faxed him something and it came out all blurry. He called her and told her it was blurry and to please fax it again. She said:

"OK, but can you send me that one back? It's the only copy I have."

He thought for a second and then told her he would, because he figured it would be a lot easier than explaining to her how a fax machine works and that the original copy in her hand could ALSO be used for refaxing ;-P

[ironflange]

44. Long, long ago, working the lounge at the Calgary Stampede

I was just a bar porter but wound up tending bar, too. Beside the point. They had a band playing every night, they kinda sucked, but it was a band. After a few nights, the other bar porter came up to me and said, "You know, that band's not very good. They just keep playing the same songs every night." :rofl:

[TrogL]

59. I've been in that bar

1. It's a different crowd most nights (except for the rodeo clowns) so they wouldn't notice.
2. They're all so wasted they wouldn't notice.

[ironflange]

60. Of course

Especially the "wasted" part, but hey, it's Stampede time, that's expected!

[RandomKoolzip]

46. "Man, if we keep selling hot dogs, we're gonna run out."

[mulsh]

47. " You don't drive? Why, are you gay?"

The guy who asked me this dropped out of school in the 3rd grade. One day he found out that I don't drive.
Even out co-worker who hated my guts jumped all over this guy for saying 'the stupidest thing I've ever heard. oh and no, I'm gay.

[VLC]

52. Then why don't you drive?

Sorry, couldn't resist!

[Sweet Freedom]

48. I designed some figures for a doctor to publish.

She needed electronic images, so I sent her a PDF. Immediately, she phoned me screaming that I had done the job wrong. When I asked her my mistake, she said I formatted the document incorrectly. Seems I had placed the figures on the front of each page and she needed to print figure 2 on the back of page 1. :banghead:

My brain still hurts thinking about it.

[EFerrari]

49. "You've got a GREAT tan!"

:rofl:

[AirmensMom]

50. "Sleep is for the weak"

on signs taped on office doors. Management never understood why people made so many mistakes when they were never seldom allowed to go home for some rest. :shrug:

[Zephyrbird]

51. "I'm in the same boat you are!"

This from the senior partner of the law firm, talking about his financial condition to a meeting of secretaries regarding how they're cutting our retirement benefits.

uh huh.

F**K! He couldn't put gas in the porsche that week...awwwww.

[tandot]

54. "my work speaks for itself" ...

coming from a co-worker who made one mistake after another.

[idgiehkt]

55. from a co-worker: "I'm a cheetah. I only work in spurts."

And he was completely serious, it was his response to being told by our chef to get busy.

To be fair he was a musician in a jazz fusion band and this was only his day-job, but still.

[ChickMagic]

57. One of our faculty members

who obviously has no idea about the concerns of staff peons and I were talking about big screen TV's. In the interest of conversation, I said that we would love to have one. He looked surprised. Then he said, "You can just walk into a store and buy one. There are a lot of stores that have them." This guy is a doctor, so watch out!

[Coyote_Bandit]

58. Heard a worker in a day old bread store

ask her boss if it was possible to get more day old bread to sell seeing as how they would usually sell out each day.....

[Tikki]

61. Many years ago, I had a boss tell me....

that I should work over-time, as a favor to her, one Fourth of July
night.. because I got along so well with my husband and the other girl
working that night hated her husband and he hated her so she needed
to be with her husband that night. :shrug:



Tikki

[Roon]

62. I've worked with a lot of idiots

but I think I blocked out the memories because I can't think of any quotes.

[Greyskye]

63. In a project update meeting:

How am I supposed to make a project schedule? You're asking me to predict things that haven't happened yet! :banghead:

[Evoman]

66. Here we go: From a co-worker who was really into alternative healing and other woo

And please keep in mind that we were science grad students working together in a genetics laboratory....

1) "Pepper comes from a fungus"

2) *really excitedly* "Evoman, did you know that AIDS is caused by a virus?"

3) *after I explained to her how Mesmer's powers were found to be fraudelent and the tests that were used to figure out the fraud* "Yes, people reacted to the water that he didn't charge, and didn't react to the water he did charge, but it could be that his powers went beyond time and space."

4) *she didn't believe in stitches if you had a limb cut off. When I asked her WHY THE HELL NOT, she responded...* "Well, if you stitch or cauterize, the limbs can't grow back. If you cut off the tip of your finger, it won't grow back if you do any more than bandage it"

Man, did I have fun with her.


On edit: She ended up dropping out of grad school. We were all so surprised.