Discussion on Serious Relationships with Questionable Females

[Bullet1987]

Alright, this is real talk. I'm in this relationship with this girl right now in college. Her birthday just came up last week and we went out to the movies to see American Gangster. Typical date...but here's the thing. I found out some dude didn't know what to give her for her birthday so this sucka decides he wants to take her out to dinner...ALONE! It's just the two of them sitting in some resturant like Apple Bees or Red Lobster. Now, tell me that doesn't sound like a date to you? She said she didn't see anything wrong with it...that it was just two friends going out. I told her...no. If it were a group of females that would be different. You going out to eat with some other guy by yourselves is not just two friends goin out...that a FREAKING date. She also says she has a lot of guy friends and now she sees that that's gonna start being a problem in the relationship.

Maybe I'm just protective? But I know I wouldn't take another female out by myself to dinner knowing she has a man...but maybe that's just me. Or maybe this dude just doesn't give a f*ck? But she says he's not that type of person (like I'm supposed to know whether or not that's true...I don't know this guy).

I don't know...I just needed to vent. The other day she said she was confused because she didn't see what was wrong with it. And now she's giving me the silent treatment. Not sending me back texts and not picking up her cell. So I'm gonna surprise her *** and show up after class...

[TK421]

1. Well...you had me up until this line

"So I'm gonna surprise her *** and show up after class..."

Then, you kind of sound like a stalker....

[bicentennial_baby]

2. I'd give you the silent treatment too...

I've had tons of male friends with whom I've gone out to dinner, movies, etc with. You need to chill out. And, don't be surprised if she tells you to buzz off...Waaay too controlling.

And please tell me you're kidding...

[philosophie_en_rose]

3. I have lots of friends that are guys. It's possible for people to just be friends.

I'd give you the silent treatment too. There is nothing wrong with having friends.

[some guy]

4. You should return her

to the place you bought her, and get your money back.


























You didn't buy her?

Then you don't own her.

Grow up a little.

:)

:hi:

[zanne]

123. Some guy----

I hated you until I went to the bottom of your post. Good point!

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

5. Likely he's a non-threat

He may have interest in her, but she probably legit doesn't see him that way. Otherwise, she'd likely seem more nervous to even talk about it with you. Unless she's the world's best liar.

As far as showing up at her class.......dude, stalker move there.

[rug]

6. If he took her to Olive Garden I'd kick his ass.

[TK421]

9. Especially if he tried to turn her on to the all-you-can-eat breadsticks

now THOSE things are deadly

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. Wow. You have some serious trust issues, and some serious differentiation issues.

I know you're only in college, and aren't maybe fully adult yet, but sheesh.

To be very honest, it I were her, I'd be dropping you like a pile of radioactive waste.

When you are ready to accept that a woman you date, love, and maybe marry might have male friends that aren't you, then you will be ready to enter into a relationship.

[bicentennial_baby]

8. ...

:applause:

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Thank you.

:blush:

[bicentennial_baby]

You just said it all, point blank, in one post

As you often do. And for that, I salute you. :patriot:

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. and p.s. - once a gender-female human being is an adult, she's a woman.

No longer a 'girl'.

[eyesroll]

12. That you're calling her a "questionable female" is making it difficult for me to answer your query.

You seem very insecure. Perhaps new to relationships. And your last line is worrisome.

But, to try to answer your question: A restaurant isn't "alone." This is dinner out in public, possibly in a place with TV's playing sports on the wall, and she told you about it. I suppose you can call it a "dinner date" in the same was she has a "lunch date" with her female friend or a "play date" when she was 6.

It's a double standard, I think, if you think it's OK for her to have dinner with a girlfriend but not a male friend. It's not sex. It's just dinner.

(edit: and if you were OK with her having sex with a female friend but not having sex with a male friend, that's also a double standard but not what I meant to discuss, even though it may sound that way...and if you were OK with her having sex with a female friend but not with going to dinner with a male friend, you've got bigger problems than we can discuss here.)

[Withywindle]

13. I have lots of male friends. some of them I've known for 20 years.

And yes, I go out to dinner with them, just us, and no, it's not a freakin' date.

I'd never want to be with anyone who thinks they have a right to dictate to me who my friends are and how I can hang out with them. Nor would I ever inflict that kind of control-freakery on someone I was dating. (If I tried, that person would be wise to dump my boundary-challenged ass. Because it's abusive.)

Just sayin'. :hi:

[TK421]

15. Plus, many of those types usually end up on shows like Dr. Phil

[Withywindle]

16. Or 'Cops' n/t

[Bullet1987]

17. I guess I've been kinda defensive because

there's this rumor around campus that she likes to go down on guys. So I guess I came into the relationship a tad bit defensive than I normally would have. Maybe I just need to trust her more. Oh, by the way...I never went to her class because I left campus anyway. She stays on campus...I'm a commuter.

[Withywindle]

18. Well, if it's true than you're lucky!

A lot of women don't like doing that. Enjoy it!

Seriously, the possessiveness and jealousy--bad bad bad. It reflects on you WAY worse than gossip does on her.

[YDogg]

151. TTIWWP

[Captain Hilts]

14. 'Female' what? Dog? Cat? Tree?

Refer to women as 'women'!

'Female' isn't exclusive to humans.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

19. Sounds like you are the one with the serious

issues.

[GOPisEvil]

20. I'm a guy. I have friends that are women. Some of those women have boyfriends or husbands.

Sometimes we go out to dinner. Just the two of us. And guess what? It's not a date.

Oh, and my SO doesn't mind either.

It's called trust. Either you got it, or you don't. If you don't I suggest moving on.

[AnotherGreenWorld]

21. You sound crazy.

[distantearlywarning]

22. I don't think you're in the right on this one.

I've had lots of guy friends and have gone out to dinner with them, alone, even sometimes when I was in a relationship. I'm married now, and my husband wouldn't have a problem with it.

It sounds like you have some jealousy issues. Frankly, if I were still dating and was with someone who got upset about me going out to dinner with a male friend, that would be a big red flag for me and I'd seriously consider breaking up with them. The only jealous guy I ever was with for any length of time ended up being emotionally and physically abusive later on in the relationship, so the kind of behavior you describe here would freak me the fuck out, frankly. (And yes, we did have a big fight once about me going out with a male friend. And no, I never cheated on him, and never gave him any legitimate reason to be worried about me. It was basically all in his head, and his issue. )

[Bullet1987]

23. I never said there was something wrong with having friends...because I have female friends too

Truth is when she told me she had a lot of guy friends I really didn't care. I admit, maybe I need to trust her more...but when there's a rumor circulating around campus that your new girlfriend is kinda "loose" and likes to go down on guys. Coupled with the fact that I know how a LOT of guys are when they come in contact with girls like that...I don't think I'm wrong for asking a few questions instead of turning the other cheek. That's what happens to people when they find out the woman they've been with for years has been cheating on them for years and they're heart broken...because they ignored things in the past. I'm trying to prevent that.

[cuke]

24. Dude, you're scaring me

You're having sex with someone you don't trust. You trust a "lot of guys", but you don't trust the one your risking your life with.

Here's a clue: Slut is what a lot of guys call a girl who won't do them.

[Bullet1987]

25. I didn't say I trusted a "lot of guys"

Have you ever been to a college campus for an extended period of time? If so (especially nowadays since I don't know how old you are) then you know how it can get sometimes. I brought up "lots of guys" because when many of them hear rumors like that they flock like birds to the said girl...even if they KNOW she's in a relationship. They don't care and many of them will do little things to break them up. I'm not saying that's what's happening here...but again, I don't think I'm in the wrong for raising an eyebrow. And trust me people, I'm not a mean person by any sense of the word. Actually, when we talked about this, I didn't even raise my voice because it wasn't an argument...more like a discussion. It just wasn't that serious. By the way, that OP was written about a day ago when i was really upset. That's why I'm asking different people online to get different opinions before I move forward. I wanted to know if I was really overreacting.

[cuke]

26. Fair enough

But there are a million reasons to not trust someone. I'm not saying whether or not you should trust her. I don't know her, I don't know you, etc. However, at some point, you're going to have to make a decision about whether or not she is trustworthy. If you don't trust her, then how can any relationship work?

Another thing you're going to have to think about is how you're ever going to trust her? Ask yourself if there's anything she could say to convince you shes not a slut IF you don't trust her to begin with? Is there anything she could do to convince you if you don't trust her?

ANd if you think she may be having sex with others, you may want to consider whether or not you want to have sex with her. Unlike my college days (I'm 48, so it has been a while) you can get yourself dead by having sex with the wrong person

[riderinthestorm]

29. Basics: She is NOT a "girl" she is a college age "woman"

right there you tell me everything I need to know about you and your relationship with her....

Stop treating her like a child and begin acting like a grown-up otherwise she is right to drop you like a stone.

[Withywindle]

28. Well, for one thing.

Relationships involve the risk of getting hurt. By definition. That's why you have to choose carefully who you get in a relationship with. But once you're IN a relationship, control-freak behavior is NOT going to change the person to suit you.

And also, what the hell? "Loose?" What YEAR is this? So what if she does like to go down on guys? So what if she's done it a lot? What's with this 50s "reputation" bullshit? News flash: women don't have to pretend we don't like sex anymore. You'd think guys would be glad of this since, same as with men, more experienced = BETTER AT IT, duh. But noooooo, they're still looking down on women who are experimental and curious and active. Makes them feel scared in some secret place, I suppose. I don't understand it and I don't really want to. Pa-thetic.


If you're serious about each other now, then she's with YOU and you need to trust her on that.

[Bullet1987]

31. Errr?

And also, what the hell? "Loose?" What YEAR is this? So what if she does like to go down on guys? So what if she's done it a lot? What's with this 50s "reputation" bullshit? News flash: women don't have to pretend we don't like sex anymore.

What are you talking about? Please don't put words in my mouth. "Loose" is just a term. I guess I was just brought up differently and in an old school way (I DID grow up in the Church).

[Withywindle]

33. Dude, that's what you said.

You said you don't trust her because of rumors about her "liking to go down on guys." (Like that's a bad thing!) My whole point is, so what if she does? What if she has in the past? What does that have to do with anything now? Are women who have had a lot of sex in the past more likely to cheat than women who haven't? NO they are NOT.

If you're worried she's sleeping with other guys behind your back, ASK HER. If she says she isn't, then you have two choices: Take her at her word, or end the relationship. Controlling behavior and constant paranoia isn't good for either you or her.

Right now, you're falling into the stereotypical "virgin/whore" belief system about women and sex. THAT's what I'm talking about. It's the very opposite of progressive, and it makes relationships suck. And not in the good way.

[Rabrrrrrr]

82. "loose" is "just a term"? What the fuck?!?!

"Loose" is never used in a positive sense - it's not "just a term", it's a derogatory one, close to "whore", but worse, since "whore" at least implies she's at least discriminating enough to expect payment.

I seriously think you need to rethink your attitudes - your language says a lot about how you really think:

"Loose"

"Likes to go down on"

"Girl" instead of "woman"

"Alright, this is real talk." - seriously, the only people I've ever heard say that are people with some serious issues about male-female relationships, their own place in life in relation to others, and an inability to distinguish between reality and machismo. What a bizarre thing to say.

"I'm in this relationship with this girl right now in college" - that is language of distance, that the relationship is a thing, that it is something to possess and not something to be actively involved in, as though the relationship were something sitting on the sidewalk near you that you can point to it and say "this relationship", but it's not really a part of you; it's abstract, a concept, a thing. And then you can point to the woman (not girl; she's an adult) and say "this girl", without acknowledging her existence outside of her relation to you as something to possess or own.

The way you define a date.

Inability to empathize.

Your question "Maybe I'm just protective?" - instead of thinking "Maybe I'm wrong", you go the opposite way, hyping yourself up - "Maybe I just love her too much" or "Maybe I'm too good" kind of thinking. The use of the word 'protective', which is a positive word, sets yourself up like a hero. "Maybe I'm just a controlling paranoid undifferentiated mess" would have been a better rhetorical question, especially given your follow up sentence:

"I know I wouldn't take another female out by myself to dinner knowing she has a man" - wow. Just wow. "Female"? Who refers to people by their gender that way? People who see others as objects and things, that's who. "knowing she has a man" - more language of ownership, and not language that implies an understanding of relationship and mutuality. Plus it again shows a lack of empathy - you wouldn't do it, so therefore it must be utterly and entirely wrong; no understanding that you could be wrong, or that for some people, it isn't wrong to spend an evening with someone who isn't your significant other.

"she said she was confused because she didn't see what was wrong with it" - and nothing about "So we talked about it, and I tried to explain my position". No, you say that, and leave it as it is; which is to imply that she's entirely wrong. Lack of empathy again. "I don't need to explain that it's wrong because it is so clearly wrong, because I believe it to be so, so obviously she's the dumbshit here for not understanding that while we are dating, I own her, and she can't speak with other men because that challenges my masculinity".

:eyes:

[raccoon]

57. Yep, and I guess they always will.

"But noooooo, they're still looking down on women who are experimental and curious and active."

[MissMillie]

140. So is it just as bad when a woman doesn't want to be with someone

who has been around a lot?

If I were in college (mind you, that was 20 years or so ago), I would be uncomfortable going out w/ someone who may have slept w/ a lot of the girls in my classes.

I'm sorry. It would make me uncomfortable.

It may not necessarily be a judgment on the person's character, but rather the comfort level of knowing that your partner may have partnered w/ a lot of the people you have to interact with every day.

[ecstatic]

27. I hope it's not too late, but you really don't want to show up unannounced

You need to calm down. Your jealous actions are a turn off. Trust me. Even if you feel a certain way in your heart, you need to play it cool for a while.

[AlCzervik]

30. the whole stalker lite thing---no, no showing up and being a dick or creeping her out

if you dont want to see a person that sees other people---don't see her.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

32. questionable females: i wouldnt date you for using that phrase

if she is ignoring you and you show up after class she might think its creepy. i would.

i dont like possessive people.

[Withywindle]

34. At first glance I thought this might be about

dating a questioning/trans person and just phrasing it badly.

:rofl:


edited because I can't type tonight for some reason.

[JVS]

35. Red Lobster? Oh boy, it's over man!

[AlCzervik]

36. i wonder if the other "sucka" was taking her to a non chain restaurant.

[Wapsie B]

37. Man, you lost me starting with the title.

Questionable females? What is up with that? Reading this it sounds like something a stalker would do.

[noamnety]

38. "I told her...no."

You "told" her who she can or can't have dinner with?

Wow.

Good for her for deciding not to return your calls or messages.

[Sugar Smack]

39. Look, I know you're feeling piled on right about now.

I think if you'd been more earnest and hadn't done the surprise Rambo at the end people might have taken you more seriously. That "I'm gonna surprise her a** after class" is something I would never have threatened. Like you're going to boil her rabbit.

From what you say, it seriously sounds like she's just friends with this guy. Women get horrible "reputations" all over campuses because they simply say no to a guy who wants her. Women get horrible "reputations" ALL THE TIME all over campuses because they simply say no to a guy who wants her. I'd advise you to really think about that.

[Shakespeare]

42. "Like you're going to boil her rabbit."

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

:yourock:

:hi: Hey, you!

[Sugar Smack]

44. Shakespeare, not to hijack, but I missed you something fierce!

:yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock: :yourock:

I :heart: you always, bebe. JEEBUS.:rofl: :patriot:

[Shakespeare]

45. I MISSED YOU TOO!!!

SO happy to see you back again!!! :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

47. That's for sure!

I remember my college days, when the young women who were willing to have one-night stands were rumored to be "sluts," while those who weren't willing were also rumored to be "sluts."

For some men, the definition of a "slut" is, "A woman who has said 'yes' to me," or "A woman who has said 'no' to me."

[Omphaloskepsis]

40. You are not ready for a grown-up relationship.

And trust me, giving head at the local Apple Bees isn't that easy. Parking lot, yes.. Inside the restaurant no.

[Lil Missy]

41. I think I have to agree that you need to chill out a bit

It's not a "date", and she told you about it. You are being to possessive and controlling.

And don't surprise her and just "show up" after class. Call first. If she is not answering texts or taking your calls, you may already have your answer.


Maybe time to move on, and act more maturely with the next one.

[last_texas_dem]

43. You have to figure out whether you trust her or not

It doesn't sound like you do, so I think what you need to consider is whether she has actually given you any reason not to trust her or if it's more about things that you have heard about her. If you really feel like you can't trust her, and have rational reasons for not, then you either need to talk it out with her and get it all out there, or, if you don't think what you have is worth continuing, then move on.

Not knowing any of the people involved I don't really know how to assess the situation. My gut instinct would be to thnk that she probably didn't mean any harm by letting the guy take her to dinner, but the guy may well be interested in her. Overreacting will only make what is likely a harmless situation worse, though.

[Generic Brad]

46. I went through something similar when I was in my 20's

And here's my word of advice: GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW! Spare yourself the anguish and the heart ache. Don't text her. Don't call her. Don't visit her in person. End it without nary a good-bye and do not look back.

Would the woman you are going to spend the rest of your life with do that to you? Hell no. And if you try to tell me that you were in the relationship but did not intend for it to get as serious as a life long commitment, then you were short changing her.

She is not your possession, nor are you hers. Just let her go her way and get on with your life. You will be better off in the long run.

[MrScorpio]

48. Okay, this is a perfect reason why I'm glad I'm over women in their twenties

The don't know how to say "no".

I'm sure, that at first, she thought that "it's just friends going out on a date", but take it from a long time dog like me, that guy that she's going to dinner with would give his left nut to fuck her.

You're very right to be suspicious.

By the way, she's playing your ass big time with that silent treatment... It's a very typical ploy. Frankly, I wouldn't stand for that crap.

If she's fucking the guy, just remember, you heard it from me.

Good fucking luck with this puppy.

[Lyric]

49. Please tell me you're just being sarcastic.

Please?

[MrScorpio]

50. I'm being cynical

I've had too much of my share of issues at that age, on both ends.

For me, the twenties were nothing but constant games of playing and being played.

I don't wish that on anybody

[Tyler Durden]

52. Not the decade I'd chose to re-live either.

Lots of getting my heart eaten raw a la that Sam Kinison bit.

[nomorenomore08]

99. "Remember this face!"

"AAAHHH!!! AAAHHH!!! AAAHHH!!!"

[Tektonik]

114. You may be right,

but it's her choice to go fuck the other guy if she wants to. He should openly trust her.

If she likes him, she'll spend time with him and not the other guy.

[Book Lover]

119. Well, you know

I've been around the block, I've been skinny, I've been fat, I've been a cold bitch, and I've been warm, caring and friendly. No matter what I do or am like, men will give their left nut to fuck me, and any other woman in the room. So what to do? Lock myself in my room, or go out to dinner with whoever I please?

[EstimatedProphet]

51. Nah

I used to have a friend that would go out with me without it being a date. We'd go get dinner all the time, and not expect anything of it. We were just friends, and it stayed that way. And I was dating around at the time, and so was she. No big problem.

[flvegan]

53. Not enough backstory.

Too much depends on the depth of your relationship with this woman, her maturity level and her relationship with this particular dinner mate.

You sound like a normal guy with a slight jealousy streak. No biggie. The big issue with this is the other guy. I mean, casual pals don't normally drop a fittie taking someone out to dinner because the didn't know what to give her.

"Some dude" is either a good friend of hers (so get used to him being around...women ARE allowed their freedoms, too) or trying to hit it.

I can see both sides of this, having been on both sides of this.

[LeftyMom]

54. If you don't trust each other, you have no relationship. nt

[JoDog]

55. You might be overreacting a bit

I am a 30 year old woman who has many male friends I am very close to. At the beginning of a relationship, I inform the gentleman of this upfront, let him know that this will not change, and if he has a problem with it, we may want to call the whole thing off.

Try to take a fresh look at the situation. Is this male friend someone she has known for years? Are their parents/families also friends? Or is this a newer acquintance? Does she frequently go out/have dinner with other friends? Do you know this man yourself?

As to the rumors about the woman's reputation: it is very possible that these are just that--rumors. The label of "slut" is often put on women who are not behaving the way the men around them think they should be. That can include having sex, not having sex, being smart, being dumb or being assertive or unladylike. The more socially conservative the environment, the worse the labeling can be. Unless she has actually said or done something while the 2 of you have been dating to back up the rumor, you have no proof.

As to some comments made about what the guy is thinking--frankly, yes, he probably would not turn down the opportunity to have sex with her. One of those male friends I mentioned has told me in no unspecific terms that if the both of us were not in relationships and I wanted to get laid, he would be more than willing to help me out with that. But that's not going to happen, because I don't want it to happen. This guy may want to sleep with her, but the fact of the matter is, unless she wants to his desire is meaningless. Takes two to tango.

Try one more time to get in contact with the woman. If you are having misgivings about the way you acted, express those to her. If you are sorry, apologize. However, if you are not having second thoughts and are not sorry, do not lie. Simply tell her that it seems the two of you are incompatible and wish her well. Then, chalk it up to a learning experience.

I am reminded now of a quote from a Rita Heyworth movie: "You cannot marry a goddess and not expect other men to worship her." If you are looking for an admirable woman--pretty, kind, intelligent--it's very likely other men will admire her too. You can either accept this and trust the lady until she gives you cause not to, or you can be suspicious and jealous. But I warn you, that's no way to live a life.

[Bullet1987]

59. Yea, we've talked now

Everything seems to be back to normal. I admit, the jealousy thing is just something I have to work on. I've reminded myself though (and just told her when we just talked an hour ago) that I still may want to go to events like Bike Week and she didn't care. You're right about the rumors...and I think that has caused me to trust her less and that's why I reacted the way I did. But we're talking long term anyway.

[JoDog]

97. That's good to hear

Realizing that you have a problem with jealousy to the first step to resolving it (sound trite, but it's true!). And it's healthy to have your own interests--just so long as you understand that's she's going to have some of her own, too.

[LaraMN]

56. Oh, lord.

Don't show up and "surprise" her. I routinely dumped guys for doing crap like that "back in the day."
If you're that uncomfortable with her having male friends, there might be some underlying trust issues that warrant examination. I hope it works out for you, but don't be a creepy, controlling stalker-type. That's not going to help things.

[dpbrown]

58. "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to?

You sound a little "Taxi Driver", dude.

[JVS]

64. Awesome

[amitten]

60. Half my friends are male. Sometimes we eat out alone together.

Same as grabbing a beer together, but with food.

No, it's not anything romantic and is perfectly acceptable.

If you expect women you date to never hang out with other men that happen to be friends, you are living in the wrong century.

By the way, would the same rules apply if you chose to hang out with a female friend? Are you guys only allowed to have same-sex friends now that you're dating...? :shrug:

[JVS]

63. Do these men treat you to dinner?

The way I see it is that the whole "I couldn't think of what to get you for your BD, so I'll take you to dinner" gambit is a really cheesy way of prying a date out of someone. Now, she might not see it as a date, but I'm telling you that every guy should know that this is a frequent ruse to get a date. After all, who could say no to a birthday present?

[amitten]

75. If it's my birthday, sure. Much as a female friend might do.

And if the woman doesn't see it as a date, then it pretty much isn't one, sorry to say.

[redqueen]

77. No, daddy tells us what's a date and what's not.

:eyes:

[JVS]

84. I'm saying that the guy buying the meal likely considers it a date

It's just all wrapped up in plausible deniability

[redqueen]

85. I'm figurin dude friend knows she has a boyfriend.

Or maybe she's a liyn cheater and hasn't told him. That's probably it.

[JVS]

88. Or maybe he doesn't care if she has a boyfriend

I've never heard of anyone saying "I will now leave and respect the sacred institution of the steady couple. I wouldn't want to wreck that relatioinship"

[redqueen]

90. Jesus...

*sigh*

[JVS]

92. Go read 83

[redqueen]

93. Already did...

So much wrong about that I don't even know where to start.

[JVS]

95. Start at 83.

[redqueen]

98. Okay but see still... what difference does that make?

He should trust the woman he's in a realtionship with... it has nothing to do with what's in the guy's head.

[Zuiderelle]

87. Why do you assume that it's likely? Are you saying that most men are liars?

:shrug:

[JVS]

89. Where do you get that from?

I'm saying it's a hedge.

[Marrah_G]

81. Yup..usually they insist on paying

They make more and they know I'm a single parent working mom. Nope, no sex involved or interest in sex involved. I've been dating someone for almost 5 years now and have no use for another sexual partner.

Sometimes you find great people to talk politics or your favorite hobby with (mine happens to be online gaming)...and they might be of the opposite sex. At the same time the love of your life may have little interest in debating the yesterday's congressional vote on {insert topic} or going to see An Inconvenient Truth or Michael Moore's latest movie.

[redqueen]

61. "Questionable Females"? Really?

Dude, seriously, fuck off.

[Bullet1987]

66. Questionable females...

as in being suspect. I guess in some peoples world view on males are guilty of being suspect and never females. But like I said, it's over now and we've put it behind us.

[redqueen]

67. "Suspect males" would be just as fucked up.

[Bullet1987]

72. Alright, well I'm tired of this male bashing bullshit

like women don't cheat and I'm wrong for questioning it.

[redqueen]

73. It's not male bashing to not assume someone's a cheater

just for having fucking dinner with another guy.

Insecure much?

[Bullet1987]

78. I'm talking about the reaction

I'm getting from people that act as if they've never had a bad relationship in their lives. Am I being slightly insecure? Maybe. But I'd rather be insecure and right...than laissez-faire and dead wrong. But like I said, it was all about nothing now.

[redqueen]

79. Slightly? You're having a laugh now aren't you?

You're sitting there telling us all that you figure she's a cheater cause she wants to have dinner with a guy who isn't you.

We've just about ALL had bad experiences. The grown ups don't let bad experiences taint their view of the world and treat future partners like they're not trustworthy from the jump. You're going to poison every relationship you try to enter into if you don't drop this shit.

Or, you could find someone as toxic as you, and boy won't THAT be a party!

[Shakespeare]

80. Dude, it's your choice of words that gives you away.

"questionable females" "loose" etc., etc.

Those are words and phrases specific to a certain (very backwards, chauvenistic) mindset. Peoples' reactions in this thread are NOT to a discussion about bad relationships, but rather to your breathtakingly backwards attitude towards women. You could use a long look in the mirror.

[Shakespeare]

76. Male bashing? Seriously?

[WindRavenX]

104. ahahahahah

::points and laughs::

[La Lioness Priyanka]

150. ooooh clever!

:crazy:

[Jimbo S]

62. I'm with you, I'm calling it a date.

But if you knew the guy already I see nothing wrong her hanging out with him.

Personally, I wouldn't have dinner with another woman without telling my wife. And if I did tell her, I would definately get the third degree.

[unpossibles]

65. dude. Back off and grow up

sorry that sounds mean, but.... come on. Jealousy is understandable to a point, as it's a very normal emotion that most of us have experienced at some point. How you deal with the jealousy is what can make you an adult or a child.

The more you harp on this woman, the more she won't want anything to do with you. Obsession doesn't work and it's creepy.

Frankly, you need to seriously be more mature about this as it's rude to expect someone to give up their friends because you can't handle it.

I also notice that you say you would not take out a woman who "has a man" but you would take out a woman who doesn't? Do you see what I am getting at? You are comparing your behavior to the other guy, not the "female" you're seeing. If a woman friend of yours who you had known forever wanted to go out sometime without your girlfriend, would you go?

Honestly, the other guy may really have ulterior motives, but you have to either trust her to handle herself or not.

Sorry if this sounds mean, but I am honestly trying to be helpful here.

ps - don't stalk her.

[Zuiderelle]

68. Protective? How is any of what you describe protective?

Looks like plain old unreasonable jealousy to me.

[redqueen]

74. I think he misspelled "possessive". (nt)

[Name removed]

69. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Phillycat]

70. WTF is a questionable female??

[NewWaveChick1981]

71. Dude, calm down.

:) You're acting insecure and jealous, and she's obviously not comfortable with that. If I had been that girl, I'd have been outta there at the first sign of that particular brand of insecurity.

[Capn Sunshine]

86. Word

my post below is male POV, but I always encouraged my daughters to split at the first sign of insecurity or overwhelming mom.

[Capn Sunshine]

83. If you want this on your terms you need consistent rules

You're all over the map here and some folks even think your borderline nuts. Maybe it's your inability to express what's going on with you; it seems to me that you are leaving part of the story out.

Either you're unable to stick to your guns because you don't know what they are or you're looking for encouragement to be a relationship freak.

Either you have confidence in yourself or you don't.

When I was dating I hated drama queens. Some people just LIVE for conflict and drama. If I sensed a dating relationship was pulling me in to some conflict , I backed the hell off , and quick. This would be one of those situations. Also, there isn't one guy who's her "friend" who isn't just trying a different approach to getting in her pants. Guys don't have girl "friends" although they don't realize this when they are under thirty. Go ahead, girls, try this out of you don't believe me. Tell one of your "friends" you'd like to sleep with him. See what happens. Women are on a different level than men and they actually like attention and companionship without the obligation to lead into sex. Men, not so much. They are instinctively homing in on one thing.

My advice to you is drop this chick, plenty of fish in the sea. If you can't handle her alt relationships and you aren't just a control freak, why bother?

[JVS]

91. Your fourth paragraph should be carved in stone in front of every mens-room

[Zuiderelle]

96. And yet another enlightened viewpoint.

not. :eyes:

girls, chick, fish, oy.

[Withywindle]

105. Damn, way to make ME feel like a total loser.

I've made passes on male friends before and been rejected. Plenty of times. You bet it happens!

Amazingly enough, some of them have even said "I don't want to risk our friendship" and meant it, because the friendship recovered just fine and continued on. I even stood in the weddings of two of them. (no, it doesn't always have to be all girls on one side, boys on the other anymore).

People are PEOPLE first, and men and women second. Friendship is based on PERSONness.

[Karenina]

115. HAL-LO!!!

:hug:

[raccoon]

127. I agree with you here.

"Guys don't have girl "friends" although they don't realize this when they are under thirty. Go ahead, girls, try this out of you don't believe me. Tell one of your "friends" you'd like to sleep with him. See what happens. Women are on a different level than men and they actually like attention and companionship without the obligation to lead into sex."

[DS1]

94. I tapped it.

[HEyHEY]

110. So did I, before the bill even came.

[Hobarticus]

100. This fellow male calls "bullshit"

You show up after class, you're an ass.

Play it cool. Just drop it. If she bails on you because of this dinner, then you can say you knew it was coming. If not, then maybe, just maybe, she's someone you can trust.

In any case, back way off and give her some room.

[coffee_strong]

101. Neither my hubby nor myself

Have been out on to dinner, movie, mall etc, alone with the opposite gender. It has nothing to do with trust, we just both feel that it can open all kinds of doors. Plus living in a small community, if someone were to see me hanging out with a guy other than my hubby(alone), there would always be speculation and guessing. We've been happily married for 13 yrs and don't feel like we are missing out. Then again, we are each others best friends. Neither of us are all that intimate w/ anyone else. We each have our couple friends we hang out with, and our own guy, or gal friends we hang out with seperately with on occasion. Ironically, our friends are of the same mindset. To each his own.

[Hobarticus]

102. That's all well and good...

I've been down this very road, in my life. For the most part, it works out. Sometimes it doesn't.

My point is, showing up as a surprise after she gets off class is wayyyy out of line. If he values the relationship, he should back off and give her room.

BTW, welcome to DU!!

:hi:

[Shakespeare]

103. Yes, but the HUGE difference here is that you're married.

The OP is in a semi-serious dating relationship. That's an entire universe of difference.

[Karenina]

106. To each his own, indeed.

You're happily married old farts :woohoo: these kids are DATING. Your world is VERY CLOISTERED and where you are that works. :hug:

There ARE other worlds that offer a tapestry of experience and risk.
Those who would give up liberty for security deserve neither.

The way the OP has described his gf, the language he has used and his demeanor make me hope the woman dumps his ass in short order.

I read an article Caro posted on her Good Morning thread in GD about
how many people will believe gossip about someone EVEN THOUGH their own personal interactions with that person CONTRADICT the gossip. :freak: I DO UNDERSTAND the fear.

Welcome to DU!!! :toast:

[Bullet1987]

108. Sorry to disappoint you, but that's not happening....LOL

[Karenina]

112. I wish you all the best Mr Phallic Bullet.

What happens between you and your gf is YOUR affair. YOU made it public, characterized HER and in doing so gave many, including me, cause for pause. As an uninvolved party on a Dear Abby level I do hope, for her sake, that she recognizes the BIG red flags and DUMPS YOUR CONTROLLING, MISOGYNIST, NEANDERTHAL ASS. Aber das ist mir Würstchen, Kind. Geh' mit Gott. :hug:

[Bullet1987]

146. Hoping against hope...HAHAHA

[AlCzervik]

107. i love when my neighbors speculate about me, it's really fun to mess with their minds.

My husband travels a lot for work and about 2 years ago i lost 80 pounds and was wearing some fairly tragic clothes, one of my neighbor boys said "Oh hi, gee we don't Mike anymore" "Yes dear i know" "My Mom was talking to Austins' mom about that, they think he doesn't live at your house anymore". I almost peed my self "Well you tell your Mom if she has any questions she can come on over and have coffee--ok?"

[noamnety]

116. two days ago

one of my students told me they were speculating on whether I was having an affair. I asked why, and she said you're all dressed up today. Your shirt has flowers on it. You're trying to impress someone.

I reminded her it was parent teacher conferences. And I told her yes, yes I am having an affair with all the moms and dads of all my students, between the hours of 3:30 and 5:30 after school today.

I'm very efficient like that. :D

[HEyHEY]

109. Hey, Psycho, let the woman associate with who she wants.

Jesus christ, you don't own her. I have a shitload of female friends who I hang out with all the time. If my GF ever had a problem, I'd do exactly what this chick did to you. Take it as a learning experience. And get over the insecurities, life's too short.

[MonkeyFunk]

111. Break up with her now....

she deserves a lot better.

[noamnety]

117. That's my advice, too

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

Jealousy

At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her. As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly.

Controlling Behaviour

Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in.

Isolation

The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places 'together'.

Negative Attitude toward Women

Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman. It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don't deserve their respect.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/signs.htm

[Karenina]

118. Wonder if Mr Bullet als Phallus

would DARE show gf THIS THREAD. :rofl:

[raccoon]

128. Thanks for the link. nt

[Tektonik]

113. You are not her keeper

She can go to that dinner if she wants. If she actually likes you, and during the dinner w/ the friend she thinks the guy has other intentions, then she will come back to you. Relax, let her make her own decisions.

[Lindsey]

120. When I was in my 20's I can't believe the games I played. I look back on

it and can't believe it was me. I was a total player (without knowing and meaning to be - I was just sowing wild oats, having fun, being very immature which included not caring about hurting guys). I KNOW women do this. I'm surprised that so many people here have been calling the op crazy, totally off the mark, etc. by being suspicious - maybe I was a real exception except that most of my friends were total players too.:shrug:

[coffee_strong]

121. I was thinking the same thing to, but didn't want to get blasted

Maybe i just don't like seeing people getting ganged up on, but coming to the conclusion that he is abusive is a leap. Most even said they didn't have a prob with his story, UNTIL the.."I'm going to show up at her school". Yes, it does sound kinda stalkerish, but could it be that he'd show up to 'apologize' for their previous phone convo?.

I think I'd have to know the guy, or read more of his posts to brand him as a mysogynist and abusive. There are plenty jealous women out there too. Look at all the "spin-off" threads from this(and the honest responses), I guess it's understandable for some ppl to be jealous. Which is a natural emotion by the way, AS LONGS as you keep it in check.

Anyway, I'm glad I'm married. I'm getting too old for games lol.

Ok, I'm only in my early thirties, but my 20's seemed so long ago lol.

[noamnety]

124. a lot of people here had problems

with the post before that last line.

"questionable" "female"
"girl"
calling her "loose" elsewhere
and the line that would have had me dumping his ass on the spot, telling her "no" she's not allowed to do something without his permission - that right there IS abusive.

calling and texting her repeatedly when she obviously didn't want to talk to him is also abusive stalker behavior. If she doesn't want to talk to him, that's her right, and he is not entitled to harass her until he gets the response he demands.

I hope she escapes that relationship. I hope he gets counseling.

[JoDog]

125. The fact that

Bullet1987 is even asking this question (on a liberal-leaning site, no less) is an indication that he is not a neanderthal. Just a guy with an honest question about a relationship. If he truely was a potential abuser, I don't think that he would even be questioning his reactions. Perhaps there were some unfortunate word choices, but ya know what? I can't sit here and say that I haven't made unfortunate word choices, too. And jumping on this guy and calling him a bunch of stuff we have no proof of other than some word association isn't going to make anyone here a more enlightened person.

A story from my ancient college days--I was taking a class on women's social issues and psycology. A male acquintance was also in that class. The man was raised in a very chauvanistic family. At the end of the term, I asked him what he thought of the class. He said, "I now understand how hard you chicks have it, and that's not fair."

I didn't correct his use of the word "chicks". Wanna know why? Because the very fact that he was having that thought was proof that he was light years away from the point where he started. So instead of smacking him down, I said that I was glad to hear it.

Gods, it all seems so long ago.

[redqueen]

133. Nobody's saying he's crazy because he thinks she might cheat.

They're saying he's being unreasonable for assuming she will, and treating her like a cheater before he knows.

While interacting with people who act like you did when you were young does leave scars, there's no reason to assume every future partner acts that same way.

This is all in addition to lots of people thinking he's all sorts of awful things because of the way he talks about this woman, and other women in general. I hope you see that for yourself... all women should learn to recognize these traits. See post #117 if you don't know what I'm referring to here.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=7114883&mesg_id=7119194

[MrScorpio]

145. Amen, Sister

Thanks for laying out the truth

[Bullet1987]

147. Thanks that's my point...

If I were some ultra-conservative controller...DU would be the LAST place I pose a question like this. I figured people on this site would be more open to a discussion on this level, but it seems like I'm going to have to search for a relationship website or something.

[johnnie]

122. I wouldn't take a lot of what is being said here too hard

You are young and it is a normal part of being that age and having relationships. I have a feeling that a few here on this thread would be pissed off if their SO told them they are going to go out with a "friend" to dinner. But it's easier to post PC posts than it is to discuss an issue around here.

I wouldn't go to her class though, but I would rethink your relationship. If you feel the way you say you do, then maybe this isn't the right relationship to be in right now for you.

[noamnety]

126. My husband goes on travel with other women. *gasp*

And I've gone on business trips with other men. And when we are in some other city, we do scandalous things like eating meals together.

I've had men at the house here and served them food when the husband wasn't home. He's gone to other women's houses and helped them out with electrical work, or moving things, and I assume they've offered him food.

I've met men at coffee houses and restaurants. I think the last time was one or two Saturdays ago. I had lunch with Jim, who's in the local VFP group.

I don't recall either of us ever getting pissed off about it. Neither of us expects the other to be socially burkified. We're adults with lives and interests that sometimes but don't always intersect. It's okay to talk to other adults without chaperones, and even eat food in front of them.

[johnnie]

129. I didn't say everybody would get pissed

I think what some people forget is, not everyone is born "enlightened" and as we grow older we live and learn. The OP is in his early 20s I would think and maybe there are some things he needs to learn yet. But there are people on here attacking him because he should be as "wise" as they are. Sometimes wisdom takes time.

I see this all the time here at DU. A shitload of "compassionate, intelligent and understanding" liberals beating on people because they have not gained the brilliant wisdom that they have. It is very rare that I see a post by someone who has not quite gotten far enough "left" because of age, upbringing or maybe social situations get more help in understanding of issues or even decent conversations as to maybe why they might need to rethink their position on the issue at hand than being flamed to death.

DU is not the place to gather wisdom on sexism, racism, relationships, politics, homosexuality, misogyny or any other "hot" issues because if you try to ask about it, you will surly be beaten to death with flames by people who expect you to have been born with the answers. There are many more people who will call you out than who will take the time to have a discussion with someone who hasn't had time to learn about these issues.

[redqueen]

134. See post 111 and tell me it's all just harmless youthful learning time stuff.

Sorry, but this isn't a case of just naivety.

[johnnie]

137. Post 111

:shrug:

[redqueen]

139. D'oh! I meant 117!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=7114883&mesg_id=7119194

:blush:

[johnnie]

142. Well see now..

*That* post is a good way to deal with this. Sometimes people are a certain way and don't really know it. Is it an illness? Is it the way they are raised? If someone has these issues there is a reason for that. Personally I think abusive people have a certain disorder and it can be addressed and dealt with. But if I had some sort of issue like this and went to get help and the doctor told me I was just a stalking asshole who should dump the woman so she could find a better person, I would be a bit bummed out.

That is what my other post was about. Sure, I know people can be assholes and they come in all walks of life, all sexes and all colors, but there are a lot of people who are assholes in the eyes of others and they don't really know it. Hey, maybe a bunch of posts calling this guy names and telling him he is shit will help him. Who knows? I know that in the past when I made, what I thought was an innocent statement and got beat up for it, I didn't like it, but that's just me.

Most of the times people post this kind of stuff on DU, it usually is just ignorance and not malice. There is nothing wrong with being ignorant of facts or issues. Just because a person hasn't dealt with a certain issue and thinks differently than people around here want them to, doesn't mean they are a bad person. I'm 43 years old and I still don't know everything.

[redqueen]

143. Yeah, I do see your point... but the words he used in the OP

and in the rest of the thread... if you act like a jerk and most people call you a jerk rather than counsel you on why they think you're being a jerk, you can't really complain too much.

I mean I know it'd be nice and more productive and just better if all humans were able to treat all people who act like jerks like wayward students that just need a little nudge in the right direction to do better, rather than just react with anger to someone acting like a jerk... but I don't think people ever got to being so perfect even in Star Trek.

[noamnety]

136. There's a difference between unenlightened and misogynist

Unenlightened is maybe not understanding why it's offensive to refer to women as girls. Lots of DUers are at that place. Culturally, we're raised to refer to women as children, and some people haven't read enough history (or experienced it) to get that yes, women have historically been treated as children. It ain't just words.

It's a whole other thing to be controlling and possessive and act like it's your place to order around an adult woman like she's a dog and make her decisions for her, all the while calling her "loose" behind her back, and plotting to stalk her.

If you're here talking about harassing women while using derogatory slurs about them, then no, you probably aren't going to get a sensitive ear here.

Similarly, if the OP posted a long rant about how he was harassing "questionable" black people on his campus, I wouldn't expect a lot of people to be emotionally supportive of that, either.

It's not our job to soothe the egos of folks who are acting in abusive ways. Maybe he'll be grateful he got honest and direct feedback. Maybe not.

Frankly, I think it's important for him to hear "stalking her is a sign of being an abusive asshole." We obviously have differing opinions here, but I think that's more direct than gentle affirming statements suggesting that being an abusive asshole to women is just a normal part of being a young man, and people should be more understanding of that.

[johnnie]

138. I'm not talking about soothing egos

I just think something like "Hey dude, it is a little over the top doing...." is better than "Hey you whacked out stalking asshole...". I understand what you are saying, but I think some people lash out too quickly at others around here before thinking. That's just my opinion and that's one reason I hardly post here anymore. It's no biggie.

[coffee_strong]

130. that's awesome

In reply to number 120(i believe, it was 120)

I don't know of "too" many couples who are alone(other than work related tasks)for entertainment purposes on a REGULAR basis. The ones I've seen that did this, usually ended up having an emotional or physical affair. We are all only human and to say love is enough to keep one from wandering is a misnomer. I love my hubby too much to even consider opening that door. That's not to say that I think I'd run off with another guy, just by going out to eat with him once or twice, but if we are going out on a REGULAR basis, that's just too compromising for me. If one can go out with an attractive friend on a regular basis and not be slightly tempted, then they are a better person than me I guess. I'd hazard, since we are human, temptations are common for most. Speaking for MYSELF(emphasizing myself, so nobody takes it "personal"), I choose not to play around with temptation.

Note-this is just MY philosophy, what OTHERS do in their marriage is THEIR business. Heck if one doesn't believe in monogamy and has an open marriage that is THEIR business as well. I don't consider myself "CLOISTERED" as someone else called it, b/c I Don't feel deprived of anything. We honestly are each others best friend and don't have close friends of the opposite sex. Then again, we move around quite a bit, and didn't enter into the marriage with childhood friends(we move about every 4yrs or so). Whatever works,and makes the couple happy, so be it.

[noamnety]

132. I appreciate the "this is what works for me" attitude

And if that works for you, that fine, it sounds like it's by your own individual choice, not because the husband ordered you, as the OP was doing, to behave a certain way.

The gender rules being imposed on others seem silly to me. What on earth would the OP do if they dated a woman who was bi? She'd never be allowed to have unchaperoned time with a friend of either gender? All visiting time must be supervised as if they are children in a custody battle? It just seems so absurd.

[Karenina]

144. Don't mind me, Coffee_strong

Sometimes I'm just loud and opinionated. :blush: Indeed, your points are ALL VALID and well-expressed.

However, I find nothing more frightening than a man who assumes it his right to force his will onto a woman. Historically speaking, it's gotten us into a fine mess.

[redqueen]

135. A few here are probably equally insecure & controlling, yes. (nt)

[Deep13]

131. Whatever her intention, the dudes are keeping a foot in the door.

She may not understand the intense pressure young men in particular put on themselves to be in an intimate relationship.

[MissMillie]

141. I think the two of you have different ideas about how relationships work

and you're probably not meant to be together

[Bullet1987]

148. Doing a simple google search

I found a very informative website about the issue I seem to be having right now. I guess this was the answer I was looking for...some have expressed it in this thread much better than others.

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/relationship-advice/first-serious-relationship-should-we-date-other-people/">First Serious Relationship...Should We Date Other People?

It's done from the POV of a female, but the end when it says "The Answer" is what I was looking for.

The Answer: First serious relationship or tenth serious relationship, the feelings that you’re feeling are perfectly normal. They’re feelings of ‘wanting control’. We all want to subtly, and some times directly, control other people - our friends, our parents, our boyfriends, our co-workers. We want to make them do, act, and say the things that we feel is best.

The easiest solution here is to try to let go and understand that you simply can’t control another person. You can love them, and they can love you, but you simply cannot ever control them and make them act the way you want them to. This is an illusion that has shattered countless relationships.

One of the biggest underlying problems in troubled relationships today is that people feel like they "own" their partner. This is the real reason behind jealousy and similar types of feelings. The best thing to do is to just allow other people to be themselves and love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

It doesn’t matter who he’s been with before. It’s those decisions and those relationships that have made him the person you’re in love with. In the same respect, it’s your experiences, or lack of experiences that make you the person that he loves today.

[Bullet1987]

149. Wow! Read this...

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/love-relationships/infidelity-cheating-affair/is-your-partner-cheating-on-you-are-you-sure/">Is you Partner Cheating on You? Are You Sure?

Jealousy… Anger… Fear… Frustration… Confusion…;

These are the most common first emotions when you first suspect your partner of Cheating.

Do you think your partner may be cheating on YOU?

Do you trust your partner completely and think there’s absolutely no way they would ever cheat?

Well, think again…

More people than ever before, thanks to the internet, are cheating on their partners.

With online dating sites, social networking sites, video chat rooms, email and instant messengers, it’s easier than ever to meet someone, have an affair - and get away with it.

Check out these really scary statistics from CheaterCheckers.com.

-1 in 2 people in a relationship cheat on their partner
-9 out of 10 women who feel their partner is cheating are correct
-50% of men who feel their partner is cheating are correct
-57% of women cheat on their partner
-3 in 4 married men cheat on their partner
-2 out of 3 people being cheated on never find out

If you’re like me, you know that people cheat, but those numbers are much, much, much higher than I ever would have guessed.

Now if you know Dan and me very well, you know that we don’t believe in the whole partner ownership thing.

However, if you have made an agreement with someone to stay completely monogamous (Yes, you actually talked about it. Not just ‘assumed’ that’s how it would be.), and then you go behind your partner’s back with another person - that’s lying and you’ve broken the trust between you and your partner.

Without trust, you cannot have a truly intimate and loving relationship.

Our thoughts are that if you really find another person incredibly attractive and it will bring you joy to have sex with them - talk to your partner about it and if it seems like a good thing to do and both of you are OK with it, then go for it.

Again, we don’t subscribe to the whole ownership and jealousy thing. You cannot own another person, and if you really love them unconditionally, you will want them to do whatever brings them joy and happiness.

Unconditional Love means that you place no conditions on your partner (or anyone else for that matter) as to how they must behave, or who they must be, in order to receive love and acceptance from you.

Here’s a great article and another perspective on unconditional love from Roy Klienwachter, author of several books and hundreds of articles on the subjects of New Age Philosophy and Spirituality.

"What Does Unconditional Love Really Mean?"

What we find most of the time is that when we are attracted to another person, it’s mostly the thrill of the chase…

Talking about it openly with your partner will very often diminish the perceived excitement of the other person because suddenly it’s no longer taboo or forbidden. Also, we’ve found that if you talk about what you find exciting about the other person, you may both get so aroused you’ll have the best sex you’ve had in months.

If of course, you can get past the whole jealousy ownership thing…

Trust me, it’s better to just to be open and honest with each other.