This has been an extremely difficult weekend . . .

[Bullwinkle925]

Up until yesterday I had been able to keep the tears at bay - now I can't stop.
I was invited to my step-daughter's 26yr & counting *Women's Dinner* at her home in the City (SF). This dinner is a culmination of people she has met throughout her long career as a Jazzercise instructor. The first Friday in December, approximately 10 of them meet at one of the homes where the hostess must prepare from *soup-to-nuts* the dinner. They each bring a gift for one another which must be carried home and opened at Christmas. The oldest woman at the table is 84 - she is amazing. The youngest person is 30.
It so happened that this dinner was my step-daughter's turn at hosting and she invited me to join them.
I dressed up - drove across the bridge and joined them. A couple of the women I had already met and it was nice to see them again.
One of the ladies is my husband's first wife. You might find this a bit strange, but she has become one of my very dear friends. We have remained a family all these years for the children that Larry and she had together (2). Neva and her husband, Paul, have adopted our daughter, Erin, as well. We have even spent Thanksgivings in their home. Neva has on many occasions made jook for Larry in the past couple of years and sent it over with Erin or Lauren for him to eat as he couldn't really eat regular food.
She and I sat together. She brought over photographs I had never seen of when she and Larry were married. They were so young and so handsome together. It really *touched* me.
Today, my daughter, step-daughter and myself had to go to the restaurant in which we will be holding Larry's memorial banquet next week in order to *set* the menu.
I cried myself to sleep last nite (staying the nite in my step-daughter's home).
Cried this morning when my daughter and I went to the base of the GG Bridge to grab a cup of coffee - cried at the restaurant as we were choosing all of Larry's favorite dishes. This will be a Chinese banquet and I really want to honor his memory.
In choosing photos for the reception table, I would like to include one of his and Neva's wedding photos as well as his and mine. The people who will be attending span his entire life and I would like to honor every aspect.
I know this is as hard for Neva as it is for myself.
So many memories have been dredged up and it really hurts so much.

This is such an awkward time.

[LibraLiz1973]

1. My thoughts are with you

Allow yourself to cry- you need to.
I think it is sweet that you will include Neva's picture.
That's a strong family you have.
Stay strong for them

hugs

[Bullwinkle925]

10. Thank you so much.

I hope to be strong at the banquet.

[fizzgig]

2. sending some love your way

take care of yourself

:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

11. thank you . . .

i can certainly use all the hugs i can get!

[lizziegrace]

3. I'm so sorry

:hug:

It seems to come in waves, doesn't it? So many wonderful years together doesn't make up for the loneliness and emptiness now felt. May you find the strength to get through the memorial banquet and allow the tears to flow...

[Bullwinkle925]

12. yes it does come in waves . . .

hopefully i'll be able to withstand the sadness and be able to enjoy all who will join us next saturday.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. My dear Bullwinkle...

Of course you're crying...

All this activity has ripped you up again...

Let the tears happen...

Let your grief out...

I think it's wonderful that you and Neva are close!

In the long run, it will be nothing but good for you both, I think...

Be good to yourself, sweetie...:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

13. you're a dear soul CP . . .

thank you for caring.

[Redstone]

5. My condolences to you, her, and the rest.

Redstone

[Bullwinkle925]

14. you touch my heart RS. . .

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

6. ahhh

:hug: :hug:

sorry friend

be gentle with yourself

[Bullwinkle925]

15. i'm trying . . .

as you well know - grief can be a bitch!

:-(

[CBHagman]

7. You have a generous heart.

The steps you are taking show your strength and openness.

My best to you and yours...

[Bullwinkle925]

16. thanks, but i don't think so . . .

i only want to honor my guy and his life.
he is a good one!!


:cry:

[Capn Sunshine]

8. Cry, as often as you can

You need to, don't fight it, and frankly you deserve the indulgence. Crying is good for you in so many ways; it releases the pain you've been saving up and helps preserve the good memories. So , just do it. My best of vibes and good will to you especially during the Holiday Season.

I wish you peace.

[Bullwinkle925]

17. thank you very much . . .

i know that *Peace* will gradually find a way into my soul.

[Madrone]

9. How very fortunate you are.

Fortunate to have so many people in your life that love you, and are supportive of you. Larry must have been one hell of a man to attract so many decent, loving, and thoughtful people in his life. I think the fact that you are including his "former" family in the celebration of his life touching and commendable. So often tragedy breeds selfishness, greed, and anger amongst the living - but you are instead being inclusive and thoughtful and giving. You are truly the embodiment of grace and the honor the man you loved deserves.

I don't know you at all really - but damn. I can't begin to express the admiration I have for you right now. We need more people like you in the world. :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

18. yes, i am very fortunate, indeed . . .

and YES - Larry is one hell of a man.
he'll always remain in my heart.

[FloridaJudy]

19. You have a great and generous soul

If more people were like you, this would be a better world.

My thoughts are with you. It's tough to get through these things, but by reaching out to others you've taken the first step in healing.

:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

27. Yes , , ,

it is definitely a very tough time right now. I just hope I can keep it together next weekend.
Larry has been entering my dreams lately and it's a comfort - except when I awaken, then the sad realization begins anew.

[NMDemDist2]

20. poor dear. it's good you can finally start to grieve

it's a process, honor and care for yourself as you walk through it.

I can't imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you in your time of loss.

be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your love.

edit cuz I can't type worth a damn when my eyes are swimming...

[Bullwinkle925]

28. i've been through this damned process so many times in my life. . .

and yet, with each new loss it's so totally overwhelming.
thank you for your kind thoughts.

[Karenina]

21. Dearest B925,

Deepest condolences on your loss. It made me cry reading that you want to include photos of both weddings. You are SUCH a class act!
My heart is with you. :hug::loveya::hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

29. no - not a class act at all. . .

i just can't imagine not honoring his full life. plus it will make us all feel like the united family that we are.
thanks for your words - they mean a lot.
everyone who has posted in return is a class act!
:hug:

[Haole Girl]

22. Hugs for you...

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

30. thank you . . .

your concern and caring means so very much!

[flamingyouth]

23. I'm so sorry.

You're in my thoughts. :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

31. thank you . . .

it helps a lot!!!

[Callalily]

24. We can't predict

when our hearts ache or at what degrees. Tears will help your heart and will ease your grief.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. :hug:


There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not the mark of weakness,
but of power.
They speak more eloquently
than 10,000 tongues.
They are the messengers
of overwhelming grief,
of deep contrition,
and of unspeakable love.

- Washington Irving

[Bullwinkle925]

32. thank you for the wonderful sentiment. . .

very thoughtful of you.
:cry: :grouphug:

[lildreamer316]

25. I really like what you are planning to do!!

That is wonderful. I am sure it will be very meaningful for all of you.
I am sorry you are going though this. I'll be thinking about you often.:hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

33. thanks so much . . .

it helps knowing there is support and the *kindness of strangers* in this world.

:hug:

[ThomCat]

26. I wish you strength.

It sounds like it will be a wonderful rememberance. Please be well. :hug:

[Bullwinkle925]

34. thank you very much . . .

i'm hoping that the remembrance will be very healing for all of us in some way.
it will be nice to see people from all walks of his life together in one room.
i miss him so much. i know his spirit will be radiating.

[otherlander]

35. I'm so sorry.

:hug:
It's so nice of you to include Neva in everything. It's the exact opposite of the pettiness that so many people act with. What a wonderfully mature thing to do, especially considering everything you've been through.

:hug:

:cry:

[LynzM]

36. Many hugs to you....

I don't really know your story, but the situation sounds like it touches on a huge span of emotions, and that it must be very hard. :hug: :hug: :hug: I hope that the memorial is a fitting tribute.

[GreenPartyVoter]

37. I am so sorry for your loss *hugs* But it is so good that you have

such a close family to all support each other through this difficult time.

[havocmom]

38. You are most gracious in a most challanging time. That is true courage.

Be kind and gentle to yourself. Cut yourself a bit of slack for being human and missing him. Larry's shade must be so proud of all the fine women in his life.

Know we all send strength. :hug:

[applegrove]

39. So sorry for your loss.

[MissMillie]

40. please know that you're in our thoughts

I can't begin to know what you've been through or what you're going through, but I can tell you that I wish for you to find peace.

I'm sure he's missing you too.

[RainDog]

41. What a beautiful person

your husband must have been, and how lucky to have you.

Your post hits me on so many different levels - not things I want to share too much -- but with the death of someone so close it takes a long time to go from sadness to the good memories without the tears. The banquet sounds like a good start. It's good to share the tears when you can hug each other too.

:hug:

[Maestro]

42. This is perfectly normal even though the pain you feel

shouldn't be. It's part of the healing process. Cry, cry and then cry some more. You need to and deserve it. Time will heal and it sounds like you have a wonderful family. Take care and heal.