What are the best new jokes you've heard lately?

[bif]

I need some new material for upcoming Xmas parties. Filthy ones are okay!

Here's one I heard recently:

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Seattle and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a
job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see
how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for??"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell??"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him
a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fis hhook. Then I sold him a new fishing
rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ''Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

[RebelOne]

1. This was posted at the Rapture Ready site.

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak.. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"


The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

[quip]

2. New to me, anyway....

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher.

:hi:

[krispos42]

3. A guy is visiting his doctor...

and his doctor asks him to describe his sex life.

The guy says "Infrequently", to which the doctor replies "Is that one word or two?"











Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one that can carry a pot of coffee in each hand... and a dozen donuts.








Why do Scottish farmers wear kilts?

Becuase the sound of a zipper scares the sheep!








A woman six months pregnant with twins get into a car crash and is knocked into a coma. Four months later, she awakens and discovers she's given birth while in unconsious. Frantically, she pages a nurse, who comes in immediately

"What happened to my children?" she asks frantically.

"Oh, they are fine! You had two, a beautiful girl and a handsome boy. Your brother named them for you." replies the nurse.

"My brother is an idiot!" groans the woman. "Okay, okay, what did he name the girl?"

"Denise," replies the nurse.

"Oh, that's pretty good," says the woman, surprised. "What did he name the boy?"

Replies the nurse: "Denephew"

:-)

[FloridaJudy]

5. Who's the most popular woman in the nudist colony?

The one that can eat that last donut.

[krispos42]

12. He he he he he!

You naughty girl! Go to my room!

:-)

[cloudbase]

4. Okay. You asked for it.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc., located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . you started it."

[Inchworm]

6. An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond guy are eating lunch

20 floors up on a worksite.

The Irish construction worker says, "Damn, corned beef again! I swear if I have this tomorrow I'm going to jump!"

The Mexican feller says, "I know what you mean! Burritos again! If I have this tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"

The Blond dude says, "yup, bologna again! If I have this tomorrow I'm gonna jump!"

Next day..

Irish dude opens lunchbox, looks in then sails off the building to his death.

Mexican dude follows suit after finding yet another burrito in his pail.

Blond guy opens his and yells "Bologna!" as he plummets to his death.


Few days later at the funeral...

The Irish wifey says, "If I woulda known.. I would have sent him with something else."

The Mexican wife repeats this sentiment, "yea! I would have sent tacos, enchiladas.. something!"

The Blonde's wife sits silent

Naturally the other two wives start glaring at her...

The blonde's wife says, "Dang! Don't look at me! He packs his own lunch"

:hi:

[krispos42]

13. Why did the blonde have a bruised bellybutton?

Her boyfriend was blonde, too...

:rofl:

[FloridaJudy]

7. Have you heard?

Santa is so busy this year, he's had to add a branch office at the South pole.






Santa is now officially bi-polar.

[Guava Jelly]

8. I found this the other day on photobucket

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

9. A little Johnny joke!

Little Johnny walks into his parents room and see his mother bent over at the waist and his dad, just goin' to town, doing his thing. Dad looks at little Johnny, smiles, winks and gives him the 'thumbs up' sign.

A few days later Dad walks into little Johnny's romm and he has Grandma bent over and is goin' at her like there's no tomorrow. Dad looks a little Johnny and says "what are you doing? what's going on here'?

Litlle Johnny says, 'it's not so funny when its your mother is it?' :evilgrin:

Ba-doom!

[A-Schwarzenegger]

10. Two antennas got married.

The wedding was OK, but the reception was great!

[Initech]

11. Whats the difference between heaven and hell?

In heaven:

The Italians are the lovers
The French cook the food
The Swiss run the hotels
The Germans are the mechanics
The British are the police

In hell:

The Swiss are the lovers
The British cook the food
The Italians run the hotels
The French are the mechanics

AND THE GERMANS ARE THE POLICE!!!!