sex etiquette question

[Rising Phoenix]

I slept with this girl and now I'm getting the blow off......this has never happened to me before....do I back off, tell her off.....what?

[AllegroRondo]

1. how soon after the sex did this occur?

if its 5 minutes later, I'd be worried and tell her off.

If its a couple days later, I'd move on.

[Rising Phoenix]

4. its been a week or so

so move on.... I can do that

[Drum]

7. It's her loss.

:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

9. thanks

stupid thing is I refused to sleep with her cause I didn't want it to ruin the friendship....foolish me....at least I had fun :hi:

[alcibiades_mystery]

2. The blow off, eh?

:rofl:

[Rising Phoenix]

5. I'm glad you find this so amusing

[Iggo]

3. You win!

Dude, count your blessings and move on.

(And I didn't even go for the cheap "blow off" joke. I impress myself.)

[Rising Phoenix]

6. but I like her

and thanks for the restraint....:hi:

[Iggo]

71. Ah, I understand.

That's a tough one. Yer gonna hafta tell her in no uncertain terms. All-in, baby!

[plcdude]

8. Okay

was alcohol involved and do you think she may have some orientation issues?

[Rising Phoenix]

10. ok

alcholol was involved.....the orientation issues go both ways as we are both bi....two girls...she came on to me plenty of times and I said no until......

[plcdude]

12. do you plan

on communicating with her over the holidays using the holidays as an excuse perhaps?

[Rising Phoenix]

13. I asked her how her solstice was

but am not going overboard

[plcdude]

17. send her a

a holiday friendship card and emphasize friendship as the most important thing between you.

[pitohui]

63. no don't do that

once a girl is done with someone, she's done, a card or any kind of contact still comes across as stalker-licious

since phoenix is herself female, she's really expected to know this

if you're getting the blow-off from a girl, she's just not that into you, and she doesn't want to be friends, it's over, it's done, 9 times out of 10

if there is to be a future friendship (unlikely) the person doing the blowing-off has to make the first move

and even then i'd keep my distance for about, ten or twelve years, before feeling safe about reverting back to friendship

[Withywindle]

69. Huh whut?

I'm a girl too and no one ever told me that!

Sometimes after sex one just feels awkward. Maybe it's more intimacy than bargained for. Maybe it's a case of "be careful what you really want." I'm not proud of it, but I've reacted that way after sex with friends before, both male and female. Sometimes you just get squirrelly, especially if you're the self-protective introvert type.

it has NOTHING to do with wanting the friendship over. Maybe the sex was a mistake, maybe it wasn't--that's a complicated question to wrestle with, internally.

But shit, if getting weird and avoidant after sex meant I didn't want to still be friends, I'd hardly have any friends left! :blush:

It needs time, sure, but more like 10 or 12 DAYS, not years. Weeks at the worst.

[qwertyMike]

11. OK alcohol

sometimes make girls go wild.

Forget it.

Guys will f*ck a snake anytime

[Rising Phoenix]

14. good advice

[redqueen]

15. I have no idea what to tell you...

but :hug: just the same.

[Solon]

16. Been there, done that, still dealing with it...

I don't know what to say, because I don't know what to do either.

:hug:

[RadiationTherapy]

18. I usually go with honesty

We can go on and on as to why, but sex nearly always makes things weird; especially between friends. So, ask her if she feels weird. If not, then you can say, "good, because I have some pasta, pesto, candles and fruit that I would love to make for you" or some such suave reply.

If she does feel weird, perhaps just telling her you understand will help...unless you don't understand, which I never really did.

Side note says: I notice you are a 'rising phoenix' and use the extremes as options (blow her off; tell her off = extreme inaction or action with not very much middle ground). Are you a scorpio?? g.

[redqueen]

19. Hello RadiationTherapy...

welcome to DU. :hi:

[RadiationTherapy]

35. Thanks...

I GOTTA get a 'Hello Cthulu' doll for my daughter!

[Rising Phoenix]

20. thanks for the advice

cancer....through and through

[RadiationTherapy]

36. this is teh confusions

I thought you were referring to cancer because of my username...ha!

Cancers are often so sensitivo and tidal in their feelings; I am curious about the rest of your chart. g.

[Rising Phoenix]

38. pm me

I'll let you know about my bday and anything else you want to know

[RadiationTherapy]

49. I can't PM, I need to rack up some more posts first.

and wine. I can only astrologize via wine (an amazing 2005 old vine zinfandel specifically).

[eyepaddle]

21. Strictly speaking I'd say this is more "relationship" than "sex" etiquette,

but with that pointless distinction aside, I'd have to say her silence speaks volumes. Nevertheless, as you say you like her, so it's probably worth the risk of looking foolish to try communication one last time. I'd say wait a day or two, then try to contact her (phone text, however you two communicated in the past) one more time, if you still get silence, it's probably time to move on.

Good luck :hug:

[Bucky]

24. I'd throw some flowers at her.

Flowers totally work. But you totally gotta make it look sincere. If sincere flowers don't get a conversation going, it wasn't meant to be.

[Rising Phoenix]

26. oooohhh

maybe some new years flowers.....thanks

[Bucky]

22. Can you post any pictures of what this "getting the blow off" looks like?

Pleeeeease?

[Rising Phoenix]

23. I don''t want to expose someone without their permission

sorry

[Bucky]

27. Then I recommend flowers as an icebreaker

Communication solves all kinds of problems. But stay light on your feet.

[Rising Phoenix]

25. I sent her one final message

no holds bar and asked her straight out what was going on..... I"ll keep you posted

[plcdude]

28. good luck

and whatever happens it will be for the best if you manage it that way.

[Rising Phoenix]

29. I do and thank you

still haven't nixed the flower idea

[plcdude]

30. Make your

Holiday Season a joyous one see you next year

[Rising Phoenix]

32. thank you....

same to you....though I hope to see you before then! :hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

31. Sending a message as you did is a good route.

Give her the invitation and space to respond, whether she chooses to or not.

Some folks demand that you come to them, however, and are pissed if you do not figure out that it's what you're supposed to be doing.

Just be open and open to solving anything that's wrong. If she feels slighted or similar, that'll give the space for her to step up and state her case.

I hope that it works out for the best, whatever happens.

[Rising Phoenix]

34. I'll keep you updated

[Omphaloskepsis]

33. I would ignore it and move on. (easier said then done)

Letting her have it won't help anything other than you having a short term HA.

You never know. You might want to get with one of her friends in the future.

Really, this is a normal thing. Most dates/sex don't turn into anything. If she doesn't want to be with you yelling at her isn't going to make her want you. It is over, spend your time and energy looking for someone that won't blow you off.

[Rising Phoenix]

37. thanks for the advice

I already have someone in mind....maybe two...but still its sad to end a friendship

[bicentennial_baby]

39. Ok, if

this is who I think it is...You know her, she's odd. She might just be in one of her moods. I'd give her some time and see what happens. But if I'm wrong, ignore me. :P

[Rising Phoenix]

41. you are probably right

and you are so right it could be moods and finals and all that..... I won't write her off yet....do you think flowers are a good idea

[bicentennial_baby]

43. Absolutely....

Most girls love flowers, even her, hehe...And yeah, I just finished finals and it was hell. The holidays are stressful too, esp. dealing with family. Keep it mellow, and see what happens. You know she likes you so much, she always has. Don't stress :)

[Rising Phoenix]

44. thanks and I'll totally do the flowers

worked for me :rofl:

[bicentennial_baby]

45. ...

:spray: You got me there!!

Y'know, you should take me off of PM ignore. I'd like to send you a message, and I won't stalk you. :P

[Rising Phoenix]

46. I'm feeling generous

you got it.....Merry Christmas

[BlueIris]

40. You might just want to say some hail Mary's over this one and then cleanse it from your brain.

Anyone who "handles" a bend in a relationship they don't like/aren't comfortable with (ie; sex) via a passive-aggressive brush-off isn't mature enough to be soliciting partners for relationships in the first place. It just isn't that hard to say, "This isn't working for me; we shouldn't see each other anymore." Don't do anymore agonizing over this, even if she doesn't respond (likely) or sends you a nasty response (also likely).

[Rising Phoenix]

42. just so you know

I"m not looking for a relationship.....just to continue a friendship

[BlueIris]

47. When I write "relationship" I mean any kind of relationship, even a casual one.

Casual relationships and/or friendships still come with responsibilities. One of them is to treat the other involved like a human being who deserves basic social consideration. She abdicated her responsibility to you on that point by ignoring you after it got sexual, which really isn't the kind of behavior you want to see in someone you're trying to remain friendly with.

Oh, well. It's up to you. But I'd let it go.

[Rising Phoenix]

48. she texted me

[bicentennial_baby]

50. and?

send pm, if that makes you more comfortable. :)

[Rising Phoenix]

51. she wants to hang

and gave me her street address for the present I told her I wanted to send her

[bicentennial_baby]

52. Yay!!

That is a damn good sign!! :bounce:

No worries, if she didn't want to get involved, she'd never respond. :)

She and I had the same Art teacher, oddly enough. :P

[Rising Phoenix]

56. yay!

[madeline_con]

53. Maybe she looked at it like a quick lay, and moved on.

There are chicks who can be flip like guys.

I used to have fuc% buddies years ago, before I settled down. No biggy.

[lost-in-nj]

54. Whats sex????

lost

[LeftyFingerPop]

55. I'm male....

errr wait...that's not what you asked...

[lost-in-nj]

57. No

I know
MALE
FEMALE



lost

:hi:

[LeftyFingerPop]

58. ....

:hi:

I think I'm somewhere in-between the two. Now please excuse me, I have to go shave my back.

[Rising Phoenix]

59. just sent her tulips

she will get them on the 27th....she messaged that she wants to hang....damn flowers are expensive...lol
thanks all

[bicentennial_baby]

61. Yes they are...

And you are the tulip lover...Copycat!! :P

[Rising Phoenix]

64. they are my favorite

:rofl:

[no name no slogan]

62. Tulips are good

Not overly sappy like roses, but still a bit more of an outlay than carnations. They're just classy. :)

[Rising Phoenix]

65. I thought so

[pitohui]

60. back off and on to the next

if you're being blown off, you have nothing to gain by becoming a stalker, you have nothing to gain by telling her off, living well is the best revenge, just move on to someone else who appreciates you and be glad you got off lightly, getting blown off once your partner has "scored" is far from the worse thing that ever happened, it tells you the character of the person and makes it clear that you were just that's night entertainment for them to begin with, so you have nothing to gain and everything to lose by continuing contact with the user

[Rising Phoenix]

66. there are extenuating circumstances

but thank you for caring so..... I'll keep you updated.....she has been texting me all night

[LostInAnomie]

67. Tell her you need to speak to her immediately about a "medical problem" you just found out about.

Then when she calls you in a panic, tell her that the "medical problem" that you are suffering from a broken heart. If she is still on the phone after 3 seconds, you are home free.

[Rising Phoenix]

68. lol

I don't know if I'm broken hearted....just really in like....

[WCGreen]

70. Perhaps she is just nervous about seeing you after you both

jumped the line from friends to sexual partners...

I know things are different these days but perhaps she just doesn't know how to handle the new reality...