a question for the men (okay and women too)

[pookieblue]

Would you be willing to date a woman with MS?

I'm doing pretty good right now and I don't let it stop me from doing a lot of things. (in fact what stops me most is the lack of money but I know I'm not alone in that).

I go out all the time and catch live bands. go see hockey games. etc. I tend to be a bit of a crazy chick when I so see a live band because I get so into the music I'm rocking out and singing a long. (the bands like to see me at their gigs, because they can see me enjoying their shows).

I'm also on the committee to organize the Local MS Walk here in town.

In April I'm going to see Bon Jovi two nights in a row...

I stay busy.

But anyhow... I have a wee bit of a crush on a guy I see around all of the time. And well I've noticed him noticing me. (This has been going on since August). However I have not talked to him. Afraid too.

I have had more than a few people tell me that most men will not date a women will something like I have. that they will be too scared. Not to mention, my ex broke up with me while I was undergoing the testing for MS. (when my only symptom at the time was losing my sight..which now has come back great). And the one guy since the ex, after I told him, I never heard from him again.

Anyhow I'm a bit gun shy after what has been told to me and I don't really try anymore. I guess it's a lie when I say that I don't let the MS stop me from doing everything..because I'm letting it stop me from dating.

What are your thoughts?

[Guava Jelly]

1. MS is not contagious ..

My little sister has MS and she is pretty healthy actually.(she votes repuke for some reason)
I say you never know unless you try.
Do you know if he drinks coffee or anything? Ask him out for a cup or hell just say hello and see where it goes.

[qwertyMike]

22. Yes

It's the soul that counts.

But be prepared for deterioration.

I have a Friend with MS, but he has been in remission for many years due to physio and medication.

He went from limping to a walker and now a wheelchair. Medicinal Marijuana helped him a lot. (Canada - I don't know if that is in use in the USA)

We had a benefit for him, raised enough for a mortgage on a small cottage and an an electric wheelchair)

He is so upbeat and positive, anytime I visit there are at least3/4 people there!

His wife left him with 2 small kids after MS kicked in.
He's my hero.

Love is Love

Mike

[zanne]

2. I say go for it.

Those people who told you that "most men will not date a woman with something like you have" and your ex-boyfriend are buttholes. There are plently of people out there who are not buttholes. If the guy you have a bit of a crush on does not have butthole characteristics, I say check him out.

[Iris]

3. "that most men will not date"

From what I've learned from my single friends, most people have some kind of "will not date" idea - "I will not date someone my parents don't like" "I will not date someone who listens/doesn't listen to hip-hop/country/pop music." "I can't date someone who votes Republican." "I only want to date a girl who's skinny."

So, I think what's really going on here is that you are afraid to take the risk, which is really what dating, love, and relationships are all about. If this guy happens to be one of the "will not date unless she has perfect health all the time" guys, that would be painful, but if you never found out...well, wouldn't that be worse?


BTW, I'm sure you're prepared to educate him or anyone you meet about MS. I have a friend with MS and have learned a lot from her and have realized that people with MS can have full lives such as yours.

[tpsbmam]

4. From a fellow MSer

Absolutely do NOT let other people tell you that you "can't" or how people are going to respond to you. YOU have a lot to say in how people respond to you. There are wise, strong men in this world who don't let something like that stop them. (Having said that, I can understand people who might hesitate -- I have a male friend, for example, whose Mom had progressive MS and he spent his childhood taking care of her -- I can understand why he might hesitate.)

I faced the same issue as a single female. My approach always was that if I discovered that a man didn't want to be with me due to my MS, I was lucky to find out what kind of person he was before I got too involved.

Life is nothing but change and risks. The person who rejects you today may tomorrow have MS himself....or some other disease. Having taken care of two VERY healthy relatives who developed cancer and Parkinson's, I know that the healthy folks today may not be able to say that tomorrow. Those who get that (and there are many who do) won't generally let it bother them.

I believe strongly in marriage vows, even if you never take them -- in my relationships, in sickness or health isn't negotiable -- I don't walk away from people when they get sick and expect the same in return. And yes, I have walked open-eyed into relationships with men who had serious health problems and/or disabilities -- the same is true for a number of my friends and acquaintances (both male and female).

Go for it. If you were the healthiest woman in the world it still may not work out -- you can't know unless you take risks. Don't limit yourself!!

[SarahB]

5. There's are millions of people out there looking for love and wanting to connect.

Take a chance. Think of your assets and all the reasons why YOU are fabulous. To start with, you're obviously far more brilliant than the average person if you're here. If he sees MS as a deal-breaker, oh well, his loss. It doesn't make you any less fabulous. We all have something about us that not every human being is going to find attractive about us. There are, however, many for whom it will simply be a non-issue. Don't lower your own standards or view yourself as a liability.

[MissMillie]

6. I don't know much about MS, but my first instinct is to say "you bet I would"

I have way too many other deal-breakers to let something like that get in the way.

[mulsh]

7. It didn't stop me. go for it.

I dated a woman with MS for about a year. wonderful woman she was in the very early, mild stage. We broke up when she moved out of the area but we keep in touch. She moved on to other relationships, I got married. we've stayed friends. bad thing since she and my wife pick on me mercilessly. go for it you never know what you'll find.

[petronius]

8. Yes, I would

I have at least one personal situation that I assumed would be a deal-breaker, and it filled me with fear and held me back from dating for a while. When I finally overcame the hesitancy, it turned out to be irrelevant.

Some people are assholes, but don't let their attitudes determine your choices...

[Darth_Kitten]

10. Yeah, some people are assholes......we should never let them scare us..

:)

[Darth_Kitten]

9. Don't let a few narrow-minded jerks keep you from being happy........

I'm a woman......I work with somebody with MS and she seems fine and happy and she has a boyfriend.

You seem vibrant and active so I say maybe you've just had some recent bad luck with some doofuses. And who cares what other people say? Some people like to say things just because they CAN. :eyes:

Best of luck! :)

[Solon]

11. Don't let the assholes you encounter in life steer you away from living it to your fullest...

Talk to the guy, take a chance, and try to have fun. I surely don't think that MS is a deal breaker for dating. The only deal breaker for me is that I don't date assholes. :)

[Bennyboy]

12. Actually the Bon Jovi thing is more of a deal breaker

for me.

[Deja Q]

13. Or diabetes, or autism, or depression, or anxiety, or ___________.

Should the question be rephrased to include anybody insufficiently pure enough to appease one's personal comfort level?

[JVS]

14. Sure. You don't have kids though, do you?

;-)

[Raven]

15. Honey, my son's SO has MS. She was diagnosed last Fall.

They are going through this together. She's a wonderful young woman with plenty of energy and enthusiasm. Look at it this way: you'll be able to weed out the selfish shitheads from the good guys.

[Richardo]

16. Any man worth having would not only NOT let it stop him, he'd support you as much as he could.

Hang in there for the right guy, pookieblue. :hug:

[applegrove]

17. You'll never know until you talk to the guy. Try it. What is the worst that

can happen.

[pookieblue]

18. thanks everyone

for awhile, I have shied away from dating because I felt/feel so uncomfortable about it after what has happened and was said.

I guess it can't hurt to try to talk to this guy. I guess it can't hurt. we've been running into each other for months.


LOL about the Bon Jovi thing... I can take it being turned down for that. After... I had a guy tell me that if I got rid of my cats he would go out with me. My cat stayed. I never heard from the guy again. ;)

[pink-o]

25. You'd think perspective boy/girlriends would learn not to give the dog/cat ultimatum.

The pet always stays, the human always gets dumped!!

For a long time, my friend's kid was my barometer: when he was a baby he would bawl everytime he saw my ex-husband, so I learned to trust his judgement. Now he's 14 and not so interested in my love-life since he's persuing his own!

Although I'm SURE he'd tell anyone you're a great catch. My mother's friend's daughter has been living with MS for almost 20 years now, and she writes (hilariously) about her forays into dating. Her stories have the unique perspective of her MS, but still totally relatable to the rest of our experiences.

I bet yours--written or not--will be the same.

[tigereye]

19. I think that anyone good who cares for you will like your spirit and personality

and not see only your illness -

[MassLiberal]

20. my mom had MS

She was diagnosed when I was six months old -- I'm now in my 40s -- and when she had only been married a couple of years. My dad was completely devoted to her, regardless of her illness. They had a great life together -- as much as possible, she didn't let anything stop her from having fun, and my dad was right by her side through it all. Anyone who tells you that no one will date you because of your MS is insensitive and just wrong. The good ones will want to be with you no matter what -- and they're the only ones you should care about! ;)

[Forkboy]

21. If someone is cool enough nothing would stop me.

And you sound like a lot of fun to me. I say go for it, and if it doesn't work with him go for it again with someone else. :)

[harmonicon]

23. don't worry about it

Any guy who wouldn't have a relationship with you because of a medical condition isn't worth your time.

[From The Ashes]

24. I would...

I have very few dealbreakers in relationships, MS would not be one of them.

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say 'no' — they may not be smart enough to say 'yes.'"--Keith Olbermann

[Generic Brad]

26. It would not be a dating factor for me

Not one iota.

[MrsBrady]

27. well...

I don't have MS, so I can't say that I know how difficult it is...
but i have two friends, both with MS that met at married...
i see their struggles.

but here is what Bill used to do before he met Patty.

He would date anyone that was interested! Just like he did BEFORE he was diagnosed.
If they could deal, great. And if they couldn't, then that's THEIR problem.

It's just like anything else in life...either they will step up or let them step aside for the guy who will.

Don't let it get in your way. MS certainly didn't ask YOU for permission.

.....Is he cute? Go for it! :)

[The Straight Story]

28. Well - My wife has Parkinson's disease

And I can tell ya many guys want to date her - not just because she is pretty (well, she is to me) but because they see her as really intelligent and friendly.

We all grow old ya know, and don't quite look quite as nice as time goes on (I am living proof of that) but what most men want that I know is someone they can talk to and be best friends with.

One of the reasons I know many men want to spend time with my wife is not her looks, but that she is able to talk to them about a great many things (she is really up on Hockey, history, medical things, art, biography's, and so on) - and so many men long to have someone just simply talk to them. The fact that she is sick is minor to many, because she is so much more than that.

I think in many ways we all want to be important to someone, we want to have someone listen to us (and us to them).

I am saddened by what you are going through, but I can assure you that there are many people out there that don't take into consideration the health of a person.

I have been with my wife 10 years. If I met her today I would not be thinking about her illness, I would be thinking about her the woman. The last few days she has been really sick, her body is ice cold and she has been in bed a lot with the heat running so much I cannot stand to be in the house :) But I am with her for HER and not her health. I love her for the woman she is inside, not the sickness she is going through.

If someone really likes/loves you it is because of the real you deep inside, not because of how you look or if you are sick.

My wife has stood by me when I was sick and needed mental health care when my mom and many others I knew died, and I stand by her now.

Love transcends illness.

[pookieblue]

31. thank you for sharing your story

all that everyone has said does give me hope about my future in love.

[Kat45]

29. I definitely want to reply to you, but it's past my bedtime now, and my reply is long.

I'll get back to this thread later with a reply, which is based on experience in such a situation.

[Redstone]

30. Hey, you could always just lie. I hid the fact that I have MS from my wife for fifteen years.

Seriously, if you're just entering into a relationship, and have no obvious symptoms, I really don't think you have to bring the subject up.

Remember, your disease does not define you.

May I say that again: Your disease does not define you.

Redstone

[pookieblue]

32. thanks again everyone...

for your stories and postitive advice.

the guy in question has not talked to me. and I'm too shy to say anything to him. Instead he will just look at me...and when I catch him looking at me..he looks away. two very shy people. what's weird is who he is..one would not expect a guy like him to be shy around a person like me.

However, there are other guys out there...some of them are in bands. One of which shares my (our) view of politics. He's a bit younger than me... but he's a cool person.

Anyhow..I thought I would share a picture of myself...

I'm not a barbie girl...more of a rocker chick. Sometimes I stick out like a sore thumb in the sea of the little barbie clones out there. (all made up and plastic looking). Here in this city...there seems to be alot of those type of girls/women. Not enough of girls like me. someone with tattoos, and refuses to dress in the lastest fashions and hairstyles. I have a style of my own. kind of hard to find clothes like I like in this city though. Of course, being that I have a full blooded Comanche mother has given me a different look too.

[qb]

33. I'd date someone with MS. Especially someone who sounds as cool as you.

However,in my case it would be a guy.

I guess you're sorting out the bastards from the real men right away.

[MrScorpio]

34. One of my Nieces has MS

That never stopped her from dating.

It shouldn't stop you

[dembotoz]

35. good luck

a date is not a proposal.
go for it.

Everybody has issues.
If they do not have any issures, they are just hiding them better than most.

This does not mean that MS will not be a factor.
Just do not let it be THE factor.

Being shy can be a bigger factor than the MS.
Being shy means you are out of the game before the game is started.
Do not let that happen.

I have always been very shy. I have let my shyness create situations where i
hid behind my own perceptions of how the other person would react to me.

I have wasted so much time, Please do not do the same.
Best of Luck--go for it.

[IronLionZion]

36. oh you'd be surprised...

Try it hon. Like some have said, just try asking him out for coffee or something and see what happens. If you two hit it off well you can tell him about your MS when you feel comfortable. If he leaves you, IT IS A GOOD THING!!! Because you don't want to be with someone who is dumb like that. But what if he stays with you because he loves you? Oohhh, that would be so worth the risk right? Don't you want to find out?

So the important thing is to try. Otherwise you might go crazy wondering what might have been.

[Babel_17]

37. I'd be flattered to know a gal such as you was interested

I'd say find a way to let him know that flirting with you is appropriate. He might feel he needs the OK for that.