Well, dang. There's a woman in New Hampshire I almost got married to 35 years ago.

[Redstone]

We lost touch with each other, but then in 2003 I was on vacation in her town, and dropped off a calendar I had made with scenes of the Connecticut River with her mother, who happened to still be alive and living in the same house.

Her mother, who had never liked me, did nonetheless pass that calendar along to her, which resulted in me re-connecting with her, so many years later. (And no, there was no monkey business involved, hush your dirty minds; just lunch and a long afternoon of driving and shooting the breeze.)

Her mother just died. Here's the complication: Her husband (who is MUCH older than her, meaning he's past his mid-sixites) has never been comfortable with the idea that she and I talk now and again. Even though I'm NO threat to his marriage (I love my wife, and to be piggish but honest about it, Mrs R is a hell of a lot more attractive than than the woman we'll call Susan, though that's not her name, so I'm not about to be tempted into doing anything stupid), he is uncomfortable with us having any contact at all.

So: I've already decided that showing up at the funeral would be a bad idea, because it would get her jusband all honked off, even if for no reason.

But should I call to express my condolences? If he answers the phone, he might give her a hard time.

Should I send a card? If so, should it go to where she works, rather than at home? I'm thinking this might be the best bet.

Should I send him a card seperately, and tell him "Look, buddy, I ain't gonna steal your wife, even if I could, because I don't want to?"

Whatcha got for advice, my boon companions?

Redstone

[Gormy Cuss]

1. Send condolences from Mr and Mrs Redstone.

That reinforces that you aren't interested in hubby's wife in a romantic way, just a nostalgic one.

[mainegreen]

4. I second this idea.

:thumbsup:

[Redstone]

5. Well now, why am I not at all surprised that the best advice comes from you?

Espcially given that (and you didn't know this), the summer after I re-connected with her, we invited them to our Annual Summer Large Party, which we build around the excuse of our son's July birthday...and Mrs R had told them we wanted them to stay overnight not in a hotel, but in "The Princess Suite" (which someone once said to describe our Master Bedroom).

But they didn't make it to the party (even though we postponed it for a week to accomodate their schedule), because the husband was still not comfortable with the idea.

We'll follow your advice. Thank you.

Redstone

[Gormy Cuss]

7. As you know, Redstone,

we're siblings on some cosmic plane.

[Redstone]

9. We are, indeed. That "Cosmic Plane" stuff is not to be discounted, given that

there's so much evidence (even if it's anecdotal) floating around in its favor.

Redstone

[flvegan]

6. I second this.

Besides, to NOT do anything is disrespectful too. Husband can put on his big-boy pants and suck up his insecurity for the occasion.

[Redstone]

19. Dude. The clarity I needed has once again come from you. Thank you.

Redstone

[DarkTirade]

2. I never really understood guys like that.

I'd just say to hell with him and do what you think is best. Avoiding a scene at the funeral is probably a good idea, but a phone call or a card is perfectly appropriate. And if he has a problem with it, that's his problem. Not yours or hers.

*edit* Ooh, I like Gormy's idea. That's a good one.

[Redstone]

8. Yeah, Gormy's right. I REALLY wish her husband knew how happy I am that I didn't marry her.

It would have been an utter distaster; she's a textbook Type A personality, and I'm, well, lazy,

Never would have worked out.

Redstone

[DarkTirade]

15. Yeah, I'm currently trying to find someone who has the right balance of lazyness vs. ambition.

Gotta be around somebody who will inspire me to get off my ass and do stuff... but not so ambitious that my lazyness will drive them nuts. :P

[Redstone]

18. Not easy to do. Especially for someone dealing with me, a guy who works in short, but

exrememly intensive bursts. In between, I may be sitting out on the screen porch, smoking a Parliament Light, but I'm still working. Because I put my projects together in my head, not on paper.

Redstone

[DarkTirade]

20. Yep, I do the same except for the smoking part.

It's all in me head. The hard part is transferring it from my head into the real world.

[harmonicon]

3. Yeah, send a card and/or flowers (for for her, for the funeral)

I can understand why the guy would be jealous. Of course it's not rational that he's jealous, but love isn't rational either - it's a dirty business. If keeping that man unbothered means that he can be a more caring husband to your friend at this time, that's probably a good thing too.

[Redstone]

10. Well now, isn't THAT a good point. I qote:

"If keeping that man unbothered means that he can be a more caring husband to your friend at this time, that's probably a good thing too."

Excellent advice that goes right to the core of my concern for my friend right now.

Thank you.

Redstone

[Xipe Totec]

11. a flower wreath for the funeral

with your family name on the ribbon.

That's the classy thing to do, at least in my neck of the woods.

If it was me, I would choose marigolds; the traditional flower of the dead.

You're lucky (or unlucky); my flame is literally 3,500 miles away....

[Redstone]

13. I like that. An excellent de-fusing method. Thank you.

Redstone

[LeftyMom]

12. If you attempt to circumvent him, he'll see it as proof you're up to something shady.

I like the idea of sending a nice card from yourself and your wife.

[Redstone]

16. Oh, yes, the card would definitely come from both of us, since Mrs R has talked with her

more than a few times. I have NO secrets from Mrs R. And some people have suggested sending flowers under the same set of name, which would be good as well.

Redstone

[Maddy McCall]

14. My experience on this topic, for what it's worth.

If the spouse is that uncomfortable with you having contact with his wife, then you should walk away and not push it. I've been in this position before, and I found that the marriage had many problems, and my contact with the husband was a convenient scapegoat for the wife to blame for all their marital problems.

When I bowed out of the friendship with the husband, she had no one to blame for the marital problems but herself and her husband. They divorced several years later. I was no longer there for her to scapegoat, so she had to look at the real marital problems that they had...stuff that I was in no way involved in. She had to look at herself.

I think you should send a card, dear friend. That's the safest thing to do. You can write her a short note, and include your phone number, should she ever want to contact you. She may need you as a friend one day.

:hug:

[Redstone]

17. Maddy, Maddy. You've been there, haven't you? And I can't thank you enough for

your post, given that.

Mrs R is VERY comfortable in our relationship...as I said, even inviting them down for our Big Summer Party and inviting them to stay at our house, and in our bedroom (which we always do when we have houseguests).

She has my phone number. But I'll include it in the note of the card I'll send anyway, as you advise.

Thank you again.

Redstone

[Maddy McCall]

21. I like Mrs. R.

She knows she's got ya, and she's not an insecure person.

Most likely, the husband you mentioned in your OP has some huge problems with insecurity. And honestly, you being the long tall drink of water you are, I don't blame him.

I know that your motives are harmless and sincere. Mine were, too, in the relationship I mentioned in my post. I had been friends with the guy for 20 years, and he often called me to discuss their marital problems.

When a couple has insecurity issues, outsiders are rarely welcome, especially if there used to be romantic stuff there.

It's silly--but it's safer for you to say your goodbyes and maintain your friendship with her through cards or, as the other DUer suggested above, a floral arrangement sent to the funeral.

You're a great guy. The woman would be fortunate to have you as a friend. I know that you understand her predicament and will be there should she ever need you.

That's the kind of guy you are.

:hug:

[Redstone]

22. Maddy, I'll only say one thing: Thank you.

Redstone

[Maddy McCall]

23. You're quite welcome.

[SeattleGirl]

24. I think sending a wreath or a bouquet of flowers for the funeral from you

and Mrs. R is a great idea. Despite what her husband feels, the fact is, you were married to this woman once, and her father was once your father-in-law. I think sending the flowers would be a sign of respect, both for your ex-FIL, and for your ex-wife (and even for her husband, who has also lost someone).

I'm still friends with my ex, he has been to our house on several occasions, my youngest brother and BIL work for him, and when his parents are in town (in Oregon where our families live), I go see them. MrSG has no problem with that, and in fact, likes them, and they like him. I know not everyone has that kind of thing going, but I also know that when you have it, it's a great thing. I guess her husband just isn't in that spot, but that should not stop you from sending flowers. I think it would be a kind gesture.