why do family gatherings suck?

[nadine_mn]

Oh good lord, I just returned from a trip to see my grandmother for her 80th birthday. It was a 3 1/2 hr drive there - hubby and I, with my mom in the backseat stirring the pot.
I am an only child and my mom is extremely emotionally abusive.
I have a desire to be loved and liked and to rescue (my previous work has been advocacy for victims). So my mom has been priming the pump for days leading up to this - crying to me every night etc, how her brothers are shafting my grandma (giving away her belongings while she is in the nursing home). My mom knows I see my grandma more as a mom (cuz grandma actually did the unconditional love and nurturing thing). So if I feel someone is hurting her, out comes my hero cape and I try to save the day.

You would think by age 36 I would know that my mom's side of the story is always exaggerated. But noooooooooooooo..... I am so easily manipulated (as I am just now seeing).Got into an argument with my uncle (an uncle I look up to even though he is Republican - my uncles are all like brothers and I love them fiercely), started crying because the day was so damn emotional. My mom hits drama mode full force... starts yelling at me and my husband. She states that because I don't love her she is riding back with one of her other brothers (ha... but no one wants to ride with her). I of course have to go make up with her and coax her into riding back with us... 3 1/2 more hours of drama.

She tells me she is going to die right now because she has nothing to live for (this is a common refrain - she used to play dead when I was little until I would be screaming, then she would laugh). I tell her I love her, but she says things that really hurt me... she says well you do it more. I say she is all I have and I love her. She says she has no one... I remind her she has 5 brothers who love her - she says not anymore and storms off.

Back in the car, hubby tells me he told off my uncle. So I calmly (really) say I appreciate and understand his need to go into protective mode, but its never a good idea to get in the middle of family stuff. I call my mom to get my uncle's phone # - she says why, I say because apparently hubby said something (refusing to go into more detail). She says... oh yea, I saw it I thought he was gonna punch your uncle. So not true, but that is what she will be telling everyone.

I call my uncle and apologize, explain I have been an emotional wreck, I love him and I love my family, I don't want anyone to get hurt, and when my uncle said "x" I felt like he was dismissing me like I was still a little kid, and that on top of everything else made me cry. I said I'm sorry for hubby, that all he saw was that I was hurt and he got protective. My uncle says there is nothing to be sorry for, he loves me (which is a lot for him to say as he is very quiet and shy) and its ok.

Uncle and I are fine again, he called me a socialist and I called him a mean republican which means we are all good.


Right now I feel like I have had every emotion wrung out of me and I am exhausted.

Thanks for letting me vent... man I wish I could turn off this need to save people and to realize that I wear my emotions on my sleeve for all to see and some people will manipulate that.

I am just mad at myself for falling into the same stupid trap again.... sigh. Thanks lounge... I needed to get this off my chest

[mopinko]

1. i just don't go any more.

just getting old, and sick of people who wag their finger at me, and behind my back about me. had it. over it. done.

[nadine_mn]

5. I want to do that... but I have this guilt thing

my grandparents (my mom's parents) loved me and nurtured me and gave me soooo much. All they ever really asked of me is to not abandon my mom (because so many have given up on her). To love her, forgive her and be nice to her and I feel that I owe them that much. My grandma believes I am strong enough to see that my mom is not well and for me not to take it personally. It was easier to due when my grandparents were around to tell me they love me and I could cry on their shoulder. But my grandpa died this year, and my grandma is in hospice and can barely communicate. I know they love me, but its so hard at times like this.


My dad and his side of the family (also physically and emotionally abusive) I cut ties off years ago, they never were apart of my life (least not anything positive). But my mom's side... well they kept me from being even more of a mess than I am.

[mopinko]

7. i stuck it out while my mom was alive.

after that, there just didn't seem to be a point. out of an extended family of nearly 100, there are about 3 that i could give a rats ass about. and i talk to them when i want to.
i feel slightly sorry for my kids that they don't see their cousins, but they do keep up with them themselves. they are getting to the age where they can choose to see them if they want. not like it was in my day.

[Dangerously Amused]

2. .

:hug:

[Taverner]

3. Because you guys are bound by genetics, but nothing else

I mean, what can you expect??

[Kali]

4. because there are relatives there

[pokerfan]

6. Because you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family

[MrsBrady]

8. the best thing i ever did for myself

was to realize that just because my phone rang, i didn't have to pick it up.
..and if it was Mom, I could actually let it go to voice mail...and maybe not even call back until I felt like talking.

Also, I also know ALL of my family, every last one of them, are nuts...some more than others.
It helped me to remember that they would always act the same weird ways they always did...so
when one person got drunk, one person talked behind someone else's back, someone's feeling got hurt, someone tried to start an argument. ETC.....well, they ALWAYS acted that way...
so I expected them to act that way? Why? Because there was no more surprise.
And that meant I didn't have to react. I could just sit back and watch the entertainment.