The worst pop singer ever

[KamaAina]

Celine Dion? Charlene? William Shatner? No, says Slate's Ron Rosenbaum, it's....


...Billy Joel?!

It's gonna be tough to pick out four measly paragraphs from this relentless fusillade of Joel-bashing:

http://www.slate.com/id/2209526

but here goes:

Which brings me to Billy Joel—the Andrew Wyeth of contemporary pop music—and the continuing irritation I feel whenever I hear his tunes, whether in the original or in the multitude of elevator-Muzak versions. It is a kind of mystery: Why does his music make my skin crawl in a way that other bad music doesn't? Why is it that so many of us feel it is possible to say Billy Joel is—well—just bad, a blight upon pop music, a plague upon the airwaves more contagious than West Nile virus, a dire threat to the peacefulness of any given elevator ride, not rock 'n' roll but schlock 'n' roll?

I'm reluctant to pick on Billy Joel. He's been subject to withering contempt from hipster types for so long that it no longer seems worth the time. Still, the mystery persists: How can he be so bad and yet so popular for so long? He's still there. You can't defend yourself with anti-B.J. shields around your brain. He still takes up the space, takes up A&R advances that would otherwise support a score of unrecognized but genuinely talented artists, singers, and songwriters, with his loathsomely insipid simulacrum of rock....

This must be prevented! No career re-evaluations please! No false contrarian rehabilitations! He was terrible, he is terrible, he always will be terrible. Anodyne, sappy, superficial, derivative, fraudulently rebellious. Joel's famous song "It's Still Rock and Roll to Me"? Please. It never was rock 'n' roll. Billy Joel's music elevates self-aggrandizing self-pity and contempt for others into its own new and awful genre: "Mock-Rock."...

Therefore, I decided to make a serious effort to identify the consistent qualities across Joel's "body of work" (it almost hurts to write that) that make it so meretricious, so fraudulent, so pitifully bad. And so, risking humiliation and embarrassment, I ventured to the Barnes & Noble music section and bought a four-disc set of B.J.'s "Greatest Hits," one of which was a full disc of his musings about art and music. I must admit that I also bought a copy of an album I already had—Return of the Grievous Angel, covers of Gram Parsons songs by the likes of the Cowboy Junkies and Gillian Welch, whose "Hickory Wind" is just ravishing—so the cashier might think the B.J. box was merely a gift, maybe for someone with no musical taste. Yes, reader. I couldn't bear the sneer, even for your benefit....

So how do you really feel, Ron? :eyes: You know what I think? After reading you individualized hatchet job on nearly every single one of Joel's many hits, I think you're a closet, self-loathing Joel fan! :P

[Drunken Girlfriend]

1. Worst pop singer

There are ton's of really bad pop stars to choose from/

But my vote would have to go for David Hasselhoff.

Even worse that he sucks in Canada and the States,but for some reason he is quite popular in Germany.lol

Anyways,his singing sucks ballz,and so does his acting.

But yes,honorable mention should go to William Shatner!

[Bucky]

4. You take that back about The Hoff! You'll be sorry!

<== this is your punishment!!

[krispos42]

37. Ack! Eyebleach!!!!

Ahhhhh... soothing and refreshing...

[Amerigo Vespucci]

53. OOGA CHACKA OOGA CHACKA...the Hoff is CLEARLY hooked on a feelin'...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8

[Bucky]

2. It's a toss up between Christopher Cross the lead singer from Air Supply

[bbernardini]

6. Yeah, but Christopher Cross can tear it up on guitar.

No, seriously, that man can PLAY. I've witnessed it in person.

[femmocrat]

3. Britney Spears!

Awful voice, IMO.

[MorningGlow]

5. +1

But then again, how can you tell? It's so doctored.

Crap songs, though--truly. I heard a bit of "Womanizer" on a radio station I don't normally listen to and thought :wtf: I had heard RAVES about this tune. I mean... :puke:

[AwakeAtLast]

30. +1

She makes me literally cringe - even when its doctored!

[cynatnite]

7. I can't believe no one has said Vanilla Ice. n/t

[Texasgal]

19. I was thinking more like Leif Garret. n/t

[astral]

8. I don't know that I totally love Billy Joel but

his song "Vienna" is one of my favorite songs of all time, and I really love a few other of his songs. Great voice too, but his mix of songs a a whole has some real misses, still, I think he's good.

[Adenoid_Hynkel]

9. Gloria Estefan

Back in the days when VH1 played music, I used to think she had naked photos of Viacom execs. It was the only way to explain her nonstop presence on the channel. To this day, you can't enter a supermarket without hearing her nauseating crap on the in-store station.
And she's a rightwing Batista holdover, too

[Radical Activist]

10. Funny essay.

There are a few Billy Joel songs I really like, but for the most part I feel the same ways as the writer.

[mvd]

11. Billy Joel? No way

I like Billy. Michael Bolton might be my choice. :-)

[av8rdave]

42. Michael Bolton is physically painful to listen to

The man sounds like he's perpetually trying to extrude a gigantic turd.

[DFW]

12. Billy Joel?

Let me think, here....

Piano Man
Scenes from an Italian Restaurant
Just the Way You Are
The Stranger
Down Easter Alexa
An Innocent Man
Allentown
Goodnight Saigon
Only Human (Second Wind)
Baby Grand (with Ray Charles)
Honesty

And about 20 others.

Nope, Billy Joel rates more like in my top ten rather than worst five.
Must be an age thing.

[Shell Beau]

54. I love Billy Joel. I can't imagine him being considered one of the worst.

Baby Grand with Ray Charles is wonderful. I also love We Didn't Start the Fire.

[Bake]

57. Don't forget New York State of Mind ...

That's a good 'un too.

Bake

[MilesColtrane]

13. I'm thinking old school.

It's a tossup between Anthony Newley and Paul Williams.

[BlueJazz]

52. Anthony Newley ...Fuck !...I forgot about him...Everytime he sang, I had the feeling he was...

...doing his best to imitate a truly ridiculous, sappy Singer.
...And doing a Marvelous Job :)

There was also that canadian group (2 guys) that would sing in Unison songs like
"My Way" ....God!...I bet the writer of My Way wanted to kill himself.. :rofl:

[MilesColtrane]

60. Indeed.

"What Kind of Fool Am I?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Z09CSDQN9M

The kind who thinks that that ridiculous vibrato and scenery chewage is acceptable?

[BlueJazz]

62. I watched the Video. Now I have to apologize to my Mother and Father.

They gave me the Genes for Perfect Pitch and I wasted the "Gift" on Youtube. :)

Did you read the comments? ("What a Master" ..."Unbelievable Talent")

Charlie Parker, Getz, Desmond, Clifford Brown are rolling in their Graves.....

[Dogmudgeon]

14. No matter how bad pop music can be ...

... music "criticism" is worse.

Usually far worse.

--p!

[blondeatlast]

20. Agreed! I have the most diverse iPod playlist on earth,

from The Carpenters to Siouxsie and the Banshees; the Staple Singers to Bob Wills, Fishbone to Ella Fitzgerald.

If I like it, I like it--and no amount of criticism can change my mind.

[Dogmudgeon]

28. Funnily enough ...

... I was the first kid on my block to buy The Waitresses' album featured in your sig.

(Kid? Okay, I was about 22 at the time.)

Good lord, you'd have thought I'd just dusted off The Ballad of the Green Berets as performed by (wait for it) Barry Manilow.

Three months later, "tacky" had been re-framed as "brilliant, woman-positive satire". (The words "irony" and "empowerment" were still a few years away from currency.)

I won't even discuss what I endured when I got into Devo.

Even back in 9th grade (1973), I liked a folk band called The Free Design. They had a semi-hit song called Kites are Fun. Somehow, this marked me as being a homosexual. And here, I thought homosexuality was a matter of love, not a music. But look up the band today.

I was also going through a major episode of Association fandom in the late 70s and early 1980s. The Association is so retro-hip these days that even a chunk of vinyl that spent a decade as a beer coaster will fetch a buck or two at a flea market.

And Barry Manilow? The man's genius is undisputed. Maybe not to everyone's tastes, but still there.

The lesson I learned? There is really no such thing as "bad music". There have also been a lot of bands I've loved that went nowhere and never got the critical acclaim I thought they deserved -- Flying Color. 28th Day. Let's Active. The Downsiders. The Sex Clarke Five. Translator. The Three O'Clock. The A's. Separate Checks. The Impossible Years. But it's a big, and random, universe.

Oh, and "critics suck. Loud. And badly."

--p!

[meegbear]

64. The Three O'Clock ...

I remember them from college radio. Surprised they didn't break out.

[Orrex]

31. It's not supposed to change your mind

It's supposed to change Billy Joel's mind.

[MrSlayer]

15. Billy Joel does suck.

I love this piece.

He thinks people can't stand him because he dresses wrong or doesn't look right.

Billy Joel, they can't stand you because of your music; because of your stupid, smug attitude; because of the way you ripped off your betters to produce music that rarely reaches the level even of mediocrity. You could dress completely au courant and people would still loathe your lame lyrics.

It's not that they dislike anything exterior about you. They dislike you because of who you really are inside. They dislike you for being you. At a certain point, consistent, aggressive badness justifies profound hostility. They hate you just the way you are.

[Orrex]

23. In the late 80's

I heard an interview with Billy Joel in which he said "most people dream in images and pictures, but I dream in ideas and abstracts."

Fuck you, you smug hack. First of all, don't presume to tell anyone how they dream. Second, if dreams of "abstract ideas" lead to your shitty music, I'll take my chances with images and pictures.

[WinkyDink]

16. Wah, wah. It's always those "unrecognized but genuinely talented" others that are "ignored".

Maybe it's just that the CRITIC has CRAPPY TASTE??

Get a clue, mister. If you're that worried about the great overlooked in POP MUSIC, you're no great shakes as an art expert yourself!

[Genevieve]

17. I love Billy Joel.

[Lady President]

18. Writes his songs and plays an instrument

Personally, I think that fact that Billy Joel writes his own songs and plays the piano takes him out of the running for "worst" anything. Plus, he actually sings in concert which is a unique treat these days.

My vote is a tie between Brittany Spears and Ashley Simpson.

[DarkTirade]

21. ... I'm not even a Billy Joel fan and I think it's ridiculous to put him at the bottom of the list.

He's one of the few pop stars that actually seems to have actual talent. I may not personally like his stuff, but I can't honestly say its bad.

[Orrex]

22. Anti-B.J. shields sound like a terrible idea.

However, We Didn't Start The Fire is so bad that it negates any other good Joel has done or might yet do in his life.

[Mad_Dem_X]

24. "the Andrew Wyeth of contemporary pop music"

I'd take that as a compliment. Wyeth was extremely talented.

[frogmarch]

25. Pat Boone!

No one can hold a candle to his yuckiness - as a "singer," and as a human being.

[WinkyDink]

46. Aw, now; don't diss "April Love"!

[Burma Jones]

26. Funny, I do not like Billy Joel, but I, like the author, do like "The Longest Time"

And I would go with that Bolton guy as the dreckiest......

[Bryan]

27. I'm no Billy Joel partisan, but that's a terrible piece of rock criticism

Hysterical hyperbole, meandering prose, unfunny neologisms ("Mock-Rock", "schlock 'n' roll"); this is not how you take an artist to task.

Alexis Petridis, get on the mic and show 'em how it's done:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2008/jul/18/popandrock.primalscream

More baffling is the decision to foreground the vocals and lyrics of Bobby Gillespie. Never the highlight of any Primal Scream album, here they're inescapable: he is, as a rapper would say, all up in your grill. There's the usual torrent of drug-related cliches - "I stuck a needle in my baby's heart, she looked so hot and sexy," offers Gillespie, who is 46 years old - but the real problems come when he abandons the platitudes about junkies and veins and offers us something of himself, chiefly his famous political acumen. He has a tendency to address listeners as the lobotomised drones of the capitalist system. That sort of thing got a bit wearying coming from Crass, who were at least committed anarchists, squatting in an open house commune and apparently unable to play live without attracting unwanted police attention. Coming from Primal Scream, who are none of those things, but have been heard advertising everything from cars to clothes to Carphone Warehouse, it sounds, at best, pathetic. "Take a drive around the city, tell me what do you see? Empty houses, burning cars, naked bodies hanging from a tree," opens the title track, thus begging the question: where have you seen this, exactly? In Islington, where you live? No wonder property prices in N1 have levelled off.

At worst, however, it's genuinely insulting. "Congratulations, you live in a dream, in the dead heart of the control machine," sneers Gillespie, a man recently spotted confronting the grimy day-to-day reality of life on society's margins by attending the Mayfair launch of a $250,000 diamond and sapphire-encrusted ice dagger designed by Jade Jagger for use in the world's most exclusive bars, including Crystal, the London nightclub run by Prince William's Eton pal Jacobi Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe. He was probably there plotting the downfall of the dead-hearted control machine with his fellow guests, including noted revolutionary Marxists Alexa Chung and Davina Taylor. These are hardened insurrectionists, who, like Gillespie, know that there can be no social justice until the gutters run red with bourgeois blood. "We've got a noose if you want to hang around," he jeers, "maybe some torture to tousle your hair."

He sounds as if he'd have difficulty hanging wallpaper, let alone the servile lackeys of the military-industrial oligarchy, but he's certainly well-equipped to torture someone. He could play them Suicide Bomb, a lubricious two-chord chug so excruciating it can only safely be listened to if you first curl yourself into a brace position and work out some way of simultaneously getting your fingers in your ears and your hands over your eyes. To play it without taking adequate precautions is to risk a terrifying four-minute panic attack, during which you're gripped by the certainty that you're going to die of embarrassment. "I'm going off like a suicide bomb! I see the beauty in everything!" Gillespie wails, evoking the legendary joie de vivre of the suicide bomber.

[PassingFair]

29. Ashlee Simpson. No contest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVA51sgBb3I

COMPLETE phony.

Can't sing.
Can't dance.
Completely
changes her
FACE.

Now we have
to endure her
"fame" as the
mother of a
child of a
Fall-Out Boy.

Indicative of
what's wrong
with the planet...

[skygazer]

32. I'm no Billy Joel fan but I wouldn't peg him as the worst

I like a few of his songs and the rest I don't hate, I just don't care for.

I don't know who I'd call the worst but it wouldn't be him.

[NightWatcher]

33. Shatner kicks ass

[Condem]

34. How bout George Michael?

He fucking sucks.

[crimsonblue]

35. This guy has obviously never heard of Britney Spears, KT Tunstall, Paris Hilton, Hannah Montana, etc

fucking idiot.

[Bake]

58. And the Jonas Brothers. Don't forget them.

Actually, I'm TRYING to forget them.

BAke

[EFerrari]

36. Very BEST of the Worst -- Sherry / Frankie Valli

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-E_d4v77sE&feature=related

[WinkyDink]

47. Excuse me?!?! "Sherry" is the BEST of the BEST!! It ranks tied with my other #1, "Runaway" (Del

Shannon).
And no, I'm NOT kidding!!

[Shell Beau]

55. I love Franki Valli. I saw Jersey Boys on Broadway and it made

me really love him more.

[Zavulon]

38. I can't stand Billy Joel, but to say nobody is worse than him is absurd.

Springsteen is a much worse singer, as is Steve Perry, that Mickey-somebody who sang for Starship, and the guy who sings for REM.

[Jamastiene]

39. Pop singers are ALL so bad.

How would you choose? :shrug:

[Zavulon]

40. I should add that

I see nothing in the review to indicate that the writer is a "closet, self-loathing Joel fan." Agree with the review or disagree with it, but it amazes me how people are so quick to jump to conclusions like this, as well as how often someone is suddenly "self-loathing" when someone else doesn't agree with that person's opinion.

By your logic, I must be a self-loathing closet Toronto Maple Leafs fan because I openly root for Montreal and don't make any effort to hide my joy every time Toronto loses. :eyes:

[KamaAina]

45. Yes, but did you analyze every single Make Believes loss in such excruciating detail?

not just to the Habs, but to, say, the Nashville Predators? Do you watch a Make Believes-Atlanta Thrashers game end-to-end, on a Saturday night, just to (hopefully) see T.O. lose?

For someone who claims to despise Joel so much, Rosenbaum has spent quite a bit of time exposing himself to Joel...

[Zavulon]

59. I'm not sure I

understand your example at all, but as someone who despises Billy Joel myself I have probably still heard every one of his songs that would make a greatest hits album. You don't have to go out of your way to do it; you can wind up dating a Joel fan, your parents or friends can like his stuff, you can be on a cross-country drive with only one station that comes in well which just happens to be playing Joel's crap, you can be at a bar that plays his stuff and so on. Your apparent assumption that he's gone way out of his way to "expose himself" to Joel isn't one I'd put a lot of stock in.

[Guava Jelly]

41. Huey Lewis

..

[WinkyDink]

48. Puts on one heckuva concert.

[Mudoria]

43. I'm not sure what her name is..

but I nominate the woman dressed in a cheerleader's uniform who used to sing "hey Mickey.." back when MTV was a new thing under the sun. I guess the fortunate thing is she disappeared soon after we've not been infected with a repeat performance.


P.S. I think her name was Toni Basil... maybe?

[KamaAina]

44. Yes! Toni Basil.

Her qualifications* for stardom consisted of a stint as a cheerleader at Las Vegas High. (see LVH uniform in video)

Oh dear FSM, will we soon be faced with President Basil?! :scared:

[Iggo]

49. Billy Joel writes halfway decent to better than decent songs.

I hate his voice, though. But I'm pretty sure it's really his voice that I'm hearing.

My favorite? No.

Worst ever? Nowhere near it.

[treestar]

50. This is great - I can't stand BJ either!

I remember a girl in a dorm playing Virginia over and over and I've hated BJ and his songs ever since!

[InvisibleTouch]

51. Just to prove otherwise:

Billy Joel: No Man's Land

Amazing song.

"Give us this day our daily discount outlet merchandise...."

[SacredCow]

56. I'm not a huge Billy Joel fan....

and he certainly had his moments of mediocrity and even suck-dom... But to say he's the absolute worst?

[derby378]

61. So, is Trent Reznor the Allen Ginsburg of self-loathing electronic angst?

At least he didn't call Kate Bush "the Emily Dickinson of pretentious artsy-fartsy Brit-rock." He'd get his ass kicked for sure.

[FloridaJudy]

63. Tom Jones

"She's a Lady" and "What's Up Pussycat?". 'Nuff said.
:puke:

[Locrian]

65. Steve Tyler...

Strangle a cat - it sounds better....