I found out my step mother is near her death bed. In a birthday card!

[Lil Missy]

She is a dear woman. She wants to die alone, and requested I not call her. She's been getting chemo, and doesn't want to discuss it. I didn't even know what kind of cancer she has.

I thought dad might have known about it so I called him. But he was shocked too. So, I called my brothers. She's had her breasts and half a lung removed. And some lymph nodes. She's getting palliative chemo now. That's not good, and dad knows that too. I'm just devastated by this news.

She told me by letter, and does not wish to be contacted by phone. I'm respecting her wishes, and sent her off a letter instead. She's lived a hard life. I just wish she were not so stubborn right now. I'd be there, if she'd let me be.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Can I ask you something?

Will you harbor any guilt after she dies by not going to her now? Because if that is so, I say do it. Dying people often say things they don't mean. It's not as though you are going to hasten her death. Sounds to me like she is being very selfless by not wanting to put any of you through watching her die.

FTR. It sounds awful, but watching someone pass is very peaceful.

I'm sorry for your pain. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

4. I'm respecting her wishes, for now.

I sent her a letter, and told her how much I've always appreciated her. She's never ever forgotten to send a card on my son's birthday, even though his death has many years passed.

My brothers are taking care of her right now, and have been keeping this secret. That's the way she want's it, and that is the way it will be. She told me now. And she knows I'd squeal to Dad.

I am going to be there before the end. I know she's a stubborn old bitch. But I've got her number, and I know her soft spots. She's not going to get away without knowing how much I really love her.

[Midlodemocrat]

5. You are a good person. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Lil Missy]

6. I'm not so good. I'm just as stubborn as she is.

Okay, I'm going to cry now.

[Lil Missy]

13. And BTW, I know about watching someone pass peacefully.

I held my son, and gave him permission to die. I felt he was struggling until I told him it was okay. And I'd help him let go. He passed peacefully after that.

[elleng]

22. Not necessarily peaceful,

but one must certainly be quiet.

Respecting her wishes is the right thing to do. THAT would give me peace, as it were.

[Lil Missy]

25. I think Midlo made the important point.

I believe grandma Deb will pass peacefully, when the time comes. And I will be there. It's not awful to see someone pass. It's very peaceful. That's a good point to make.

I also understand your point too. Deb is a stubborn old broad, and has not aged well. She's only in her mid 60's. I knew it would happen eventually, and I had hoped, (or maybe assumed) it would happen swiftly and quickly. Then I'd get the call.

But unfortunately not so. If she's had that much surgery and chemo, gawd only knows how long this has been going on already. Two of my brothers live with her, and she preferred to keep it under the radar and they have been taking care of her. A sister has also been pitching in on her days off.

Those are Deb's natural borns, and that is the way she wants it. I know her. She feels old and tired. She doesn't like fuss. And now she's sick. She just wants to be left alone.

When I talked to my brother, he said she doesn't even talk to them. They are beside themselves with grief too. They just take care of her, and cry privately. I can't believe they didn't call me. But Mick balled his eyes out when we finally had the chance to talk yesterday.

She's just stubborn like that, and wants her privacy now. She only wants notes right now, and I will respect her feelings. I sent her a letter, and will send more. I WILL be there for the end. She said she'd call me when she felt up to it. I'm afraid I'm going to bawl, and that is exactly what she doesn't want. So help me gawd, I'll try to hold it in.

This is her peace, and the way she wants it. I will respect her feelings, and do this her way now.

[KitchenWitch]

2. I am sorry

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

8. A home made taco might help.

:)

[KitchenWitch]

10. You got it.

[Lil Missy]

11. x-tra sauce?

:bounce: :bounce:

[KitchenWitch]

12. Of course!

You want extra jalapeños?

[Lil Missy]

14. Yes! jalapenoes! I take a couple on each bite!

:bounce: :bounce:

[TZ]

3. Thats awful.

I think Midlo might be right here. I think you should try to see her. :hug:

[Lil Missy]

7. I will. When the time is right.

I sent her a letter in today's mail. If that's the way she wants to do this, I can do it.

She's not going to get away from me without a personal hug and a kiss.

[Lil Missy]

9. kick. Why not? My phone is ringing off the hook. Yours might as well too.

[Lil Missy]

15. I still want to talk about this. I'm upset. If not, okay.

[Haole Girl]

16. What a difficult decision

It's admirable, I think, for you to try to honor her wishes. Still... I can't help but wonder what her wishes truly are if she told you.

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

19. I know her. She asked to be left alone, and she means it.

She did say in her note that she would call me when she felt up to it. I'd prefer to respect her boundaries, space, and time line right now.

Make no mistake, I'll be there before the end. Her sons are taking very good care of her right now. That's the way she wants it. So it shall be.

:cry:

[LeftyFingerPop]

17. I'm sorry to hear this, Lil Missy

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

20. Thanks. My brothers have this entirely under control. That's the way she wants it.

So it shall be.

[auntAgonist]

18. I'm glad she wrote to you

and that you wrote back. You'll know when the time is right. Stubborn is good :)

:hug: <---HUGE----> :hug:

I'm so sorry.

aA
kesha

[Lil Missy]

21. She doesn't have email, and doesn't want phone calls. So I shall write mail notes.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. When you do, let her know how you feel

about wanting to see her. Tell her that you will respect her wishes; but keep the door open in case she changes her mind.

I'm so sorry Lil Missy... :hug::hug::hug:

[Lil Missy]

24. Letter went out yesterday. She knows how I feel. But I think her feelings are more important now.

I'll respect her way, for now. She is well taken care of, (my brothers).

I'll be there before the end.

[Lil Missy]

26. I just sent her another letter. Shit! Now she'll be pissed she has to sit up to read mail everyday!

:rofl:

Maybe I'd better back off for a couple days!

[Marrah_G]

27. I'm so sorry Missy

:hug:

[Lil Missy]

28. It's okay. Shit happens.

It just took me by surprise.

And I'm sorry she wants to be so stubborn about it. Right in character for her, actually.

Also kinda rattled me that my brother would cry, and so much, when I talked to him yesterday.

:cry:

Things just won't be normal for a while.

[Lil Missy]

29. kick for morning