just-turned 18 yr old daughter and friend planning to drive from NY to FL, making two

[sohndrsmith]

stops along the way, staying overnight with family and a friend. One concern is that she doesn't want to tell her dad about the 2nd stop (which is most definitely out of the way) because the person (who her dad has met and spent time, including his family) is much older than she is (my daughter has been 18 for less than 2 weeks). I know quite a bit about him, and I'll know much more before this trip.

She lives with her dad and they do NOT have a good relationship, sadly (I don't have one with him either). She will live with me right after graduation (thankfully/hopefully). That said, lying to him is not an option.

Aside from the significant age difference, there is little not to like about this guy (so far). The fact that he's interested in someone much younger is a concern, but - how much? I've had my share of large age-difference dating, which were short-lived - and I survived... but this is my DAUGHTER, not me. Ugh....

So I'm nervous about the trip in general AND the one stop on her itinerary. My daughter is giving me the numbers/addresses/info for all her stops, and her friend is having her car checked over to make sure it can make such a trip. I'm compiling some questions/recommendations for her that we're going to go over, if they have to go (I'm sort of hoping the mechanic deems the car unfit for the trip - in which case the trip is off). But if that doesn't happen, I just want them to be safe, smart, prepared and... safe. Did I mention safe?

I'm seeing any sort of insight/feedback - on the personal aspects regarding her new friendship and/or (assuming I can convince my daughter to make alternative plans for that night) logistical advice, ideas/tips from anyone who has either had a similar aged daughter take such a trip, or taken it yourself - and can alert me to anything I haven't thought of.

Any suggestions....? (Thanks in advance).

[PaddyBlueEyes]

1. check yr pm..

:)

[sohndrsmith]

4. Hey Paddy! Done - and thanks... pm'ed you back. Much appreciated. n/t

[PaddyBlueEyes]

2. dupe

:)

[Jamastiene]

3. Make sure they keep their doors locked on the trip.

If they stop and go into a convenience store, lock the doors, especially at night. The last thing you want to do is get down the road a bit and find out you've got unexpected company who might not be so nice.

The main thing is to stay in well lit areas and keep the doors locked unless getting in or out of the vehicle.

Don't pick up the cute stranger either. He's mad and he wants to kill you.

That always worked for me on long trips. I'm still alive. In this day and age, I have no clue. I'm talking about long road trips my friends and I took in the 90s.

The 00s haven't been pretty so far, so I don't know what other tips may apply. I'd suggest to keep the cell phones charged and don't get out of the car if it breaks down even if (maybe/maybe not) well meaning strangers stop and offer to help. If they do, crack the window no more than 1 inch from the top and ask them to call the police. That'd be help enough. Either that or stay in the car and use the cell phones. Call the police to come protect you and escort you to a well lit safe place. That's their job.

[sohndrsmith]

5. Jamastiene - GREAT advice... thank you... I didn't have most of these on my list.

Thanks so much. : )

[Arkansas Granny]

6. My granddaughter made a trip across half the country by herself last week.

Some of the tips that were given to her by a friend in law enforcement were:
1. Lock the car any time you leave it, even if it is just long enough to go in and pay for gas.
2. Carry a flashlight so you can check the interior of the car before you get back in if you have stopped at night.
3. When making a stop for gas, restroom, food, etc., always stop at a busy, well lit station or store.
4. When the tank shows half full, start looking for a station and top up. In some areas it may be some distance to the next station.
5. Make a list of the phone numbers for highway patrol in each state you are traveling through in case of emergency.


I hope she has a safe, uneventful trip.

[flvegan]

7. I made that drive twice when I was 17. MA to FL and back.

Once to tour my campus, the other time to leave for it. The biggest thing to me is the traffic. It's a long tedious drive, so they need to get adequate rest. Stop every couple hundred miles just to stretch the legs. Watch personal property when stopping for gas, etc. Only use 24 hour rest stops after dark. They're usually staffed.

I95 is a long run. The states don't seem to change fast enough.

Everything at South of the Border is a ripoff, no matter what Pedro says on those signs.

[noamnety]

8. She's an adult

so I think the stops on her itinerary are her own business, not yours at this point. She really doesn't need your approval for friends or dating any more. And it's her place - not yours - to discuss or not discuss her itinerary with her dad.

I am pretty sure that's not the advice you were looking for, but it's the advice that will lead to you having the best relationship with your daughter now that she's moved into adulthood. You're past the phase in your life now where you should be investigating her friends, including boyfriends, and she's past the phase in her life where she needs your approval for that sort of thing.

She's old enough to be serving in Iraq, I'm sure she'll be fine on a road trip with cell phones and someone to share the driving.

[sohndrsmith]

10. You're absolutely right on every point. I gotta say, though - it's a tough

transition for a parent - it's certainly trial by fire for me on this one.

I guess I shouldn't have said "lying to her dad is not an option"... because I DON'T have any control over that. But I am going to talk to her about it. It's a big mistake. Her father is - well - lets just say that I thought this sort of person existed only in fiction. I was very, very wrong...

So my concerns are multifaceted... and... that's enough about that.

I worry about my kid. Legally she's an adult, and yes she can be a soldier in Iraq - she's an adult in every way but being able to lawfully consume alcohol. But she's been an adult for two weeks and it's a tough transition (for me more than her, apparently) : ). That doesn't mean I stop being her mother or wanting to keep her safe.

I'm not "investigating" her friends, but I'm not going to be negligent in helping her have a safe trip, either. I haven't done anything she doesn't know about - in fact the information I have about this much older person came from her. And anything else I do or find out will be with her consent (or more likely - help).

I am the only person she trusts - for good reason, unfortunately. There is no way I'm going to take that away from her by being a meddling idiot. That's why I asked for help - I don't want to do something like that unintentionally.

It's tough - it really is. Why couldn't she wait a few years before she got attracted to someone nearly twice her age? I would have appreciated that. : ). She and her friend are attractive young girls (her friend is a part-time model) and there are predators out there... so I worry.

The driving I drove from NY to Cary, NC several years ago - and got lost and ended up somewhere in VA at 2 or 3 in the morning. It was desolate and I was not happy. I just want to help them make a safe trip. I'm not demanding she do what I say (suggest), but she likely will think the advice I've gotten here (and thought of) are reasonable - she may have thought of several of them herself, too. It's reasonable for her to call periodically so I (or someone trustworthy) knows where she is - that would be true of anyone doing a trip like this for the first time.

So thank you - I DO appreciate what you said... and agree. It's just really hard... : (.

[noamnety]

13. If you are worried about them getting lost

you could buy them a GPS thing for their car. My partner had one for a few years and I always thought it was stupidly unnecessary - but he upgraded to a talking one and a couple times when I went somewhere unfamiliar recently I took it along. Turns out it is kind of nice to be told "in a half mile, you need to turn left." That would have saved me being badly lost in DC on several occasions, in Niagra, in New Orleans ...

Maps are fine, and I certainly got by with them (with minor mishaps) so if you can't afford it don't sweat it. But in the dark, especially if they are taking turns sleeping it is easier to just have the GPS that not only knows where they want to go but can also pinpoint where they currently are, which is often half the challenge.

[sohndrsmith]

16. ya, that would be ideal... She used to be on a cell phone plan with her dad

that had some sort of "chaperon" feature that parents could see where their kids were if they were late, etc. I wonder if they do have that feature if it is upgradeable to a GPS utility for the phone itself. Probably not. I'll look into this - my housemate may have something she could borrow. I know I can't afford to buy one... : (

Thanks for the suggestion!

[Rabrrrrrr]

19. "Why couldn't she wait a few years before she got attracted to someone nearly twice her age?"

I wonder if - and you wouldn't know this, but it's a gut instinct - if she's compensating for the lack of a decent father figure in her life.

I would consider that she see a therapist. Not that I think she's insane or crazy, but I have a feeling there is some unanswered pain and confusion in her mind about fatherhood and proper male role models. A few sessions with a therapist might be enough to expose that part of her to herself so that she can adjust and live healthily.

My fear is that if she doesn't deal with it now, she'll have a life of going after older men, constantly seeking fatherly approval from them in a dysfunctional way that leads to a life of pain, failed expectations, and never filling that hole.

It's certainly also possible that this is a perfectly fine and wonderful relationship; but it's odd, and given your daughter's familial history, it does raise some flags.

[seemunkee]

18. Yeah, she is an adult, but you never stop being a parent

My daughter had just turned 18 when she started dating her then 22 year old boy friend. They've been together for 2 years now and even though I'm not all that fond of him, he does treat her well and they have a good relationship. You can ask questions and give advice, just don't try to control her. And make sure she has/uses protection, don't be afraid to talk about it.

As has been said below, knowing how to change a tire is a must. Also how to check tire pressure and the oil.

[Lyric]

9. Good safety ideas from lots of people in this thread.

As for the "side stop" you're worried about...when I was nineteen, I went to New York from Virginia to meet Rhythm, who is thirteen years older than me (she was 32 at the time.) We are still together ten years later, and still very much in-love. The age difference is not a problem in the least, and never has been--so don't assume that it's necessarily a problem or a bad thing.

Secondly--I know that if *my* Mom had tried to even gently interfere in my love life at that point, the effect would have been to push me away and make me less likely to talk to her about what's going on in my life, in order to avoid conflict and resentment between us. That's the last thing you want. Keep this one thing in mind: new eighteen-year-olds are usually very protective of all of their newfound freedoms and adult "rights," because getting to make all of your own decisions without any more parental nixing of what you want is still a Brand New Thing. Even the best parent-child relationship can be strained if the young person feels like Mom or Dad is pushing in where they no longer hold any authority. If your goal is to preserve a fantastic relationship, just make sure that you affirm and acknowledge that she has the right to make her own choices now; it's always good to ask if she *wants* your advice before giving it. Assuming that you aren't arguing or fighting at the moment, the answer will usually be, "Sure." Asking her permission respects her adulthood, keeps her brand-new feeling of control over her own life fully intact, and allows her to take your advice without feeling like she's compromising her independence by doing so--after all, you asked and she gave permission. That proves to her that you are willing to interact with her on an adult-to-adult level, and that's something that almost every brand-new adult craves. It's hard being a teenager--you feel like an adult, but you have almost no control over your own life. Once you get it, you are fiercely protective of it for a while.

It seems like a small thing, but it really does make a world of difference. Good luck, and I hope she has a great time!

:hi:

[sohndrsmith]

12. What a wonderful post. Thank you so much.... n/t

[elleng]

11. Everything else aside,

I've driven 95 twice in the past year, MD to FL; its no problem, generally. Rest stops clearly available, etc. I was alone, so BORING was the problem. My folks used to make the trip, FL to NY, regularly, when they were in their late 70s-80s.

BUT, AAA membership or something similar? I've had one ever since I got my first car, and won't drive without it.

CHECK THE TIRES.

Nothing to say about the father thing.

Good luck to you and yours.


Be sure she's got a phone and charger at all times, and MAPS, especially to the out of the way place. NY - FL sounds easier than it might be, depending on the ins and outs.

[noamnety]

14. Oh! The Tires!

Do they know how to change a tire? That's a pet peeve of mine, people who drive and don't know how to do that one basic task. I've had my students track me down while I was working summers at a big festival - I'm their art teacher, not autoshop mechanic, but they have tracked me down to say they got a flat on the way out, what should they do?

Me: What DID you do?
Them: We kept driving on it.

Instead of changing it for them, I took them back out to the parking lot, and talked them through changing it, and used an extra tire iron to chase away the helpful menfolk trying to insert themselves into our lives to do it FOR them. Screw that, that's not giving them any survival skills except teaching them to be the damsel in distress and rely on strangers to do things they should be able to do themselves.

They should remove one of their tires and put it back on before they set out if neither of them has done that before.

(And any other parents of driving aged kids here, make that a project this weekend, to teach your kids to change a tire - regardless of their gender. If anything, it's probably even more important that they can do it if they are girls. Can't tell you how many of my kids have stories of getting a flat and being stranded somewhere waiting for help because nobody taught them that.)

[sohndrsmith]

17. Good call. So essential. Thank you. I know the car is being checked over,

but I don't know if that specifically included the tire. They should have a tire gauge and know how put the correct amount of air in.

Thank you SO much - I am so glad I posted this... DU is such a great community - something that would not be possible without the members making it such a special place....

I am so glad I found my way here...

Thanks again noamnety - it's going on my list. : )

[sohndrsmith]

15. But have you been driving for more than 6-8 months? : )

These two are both VERY new drivers, and make new driver mistakes - and I know that the only way they will become better drivers if they keep driving. This trip should put some concentrated, undiluted driving experience under their belts.

My daughter got her permit about a year ago, and her license at the end of last summer. I remember the first time she drove at night, panicking at the sight of an oncoming car.

What did she do? What everyone does, of course:
Immediately let go of the wheel and put your hands up in a sort of "Oh no!" gesture and
- _close_your_eyes_ - as tightly as possible (I was able to see all of this because of the other car's headlights).

We immediately went out looking for practice in dealing with oncoming cars - she needed to modify that reaction right-away-quick. And she did - it never happened again. She'd just try to get as far away from them as possible, not taking into account the ditches, stone walls, drainage grates or other obstructions that indicating the "wide-berth" plan was not going to be a feasible option. She learned... and she's really done so well in such a short amount of time. She's a very good new driver, and I have full confidence she will become an excellent driver. All she needs is more and more driving experience.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

20. Buy some good wine.

For you...not your daughter.

Watching my older son test his wings can still be a tooth-grinding experience. But there's nothing to be done other than accept the fact that he's all grown up, and free to make the same mistakes I made at his age...regardless of any advice I might offer.

A glass of nice wine makes it easier. :hug::hug::hug: