Not a bid for "vibes"--father-in-law might've had a stroke.

[vixengrl]

He's 95. My husband, only 36. (His older brother is in his seventies. It makes for interesting family reunions--I relate more to my father-in-law's great-grand-kids in Italy than his firstborn son--who I see as pretty much older than my own dad.) My hubby's gone down to the hospital where 911 took Dad (we consulted with my sister-in-law, who is a nurse, when a phone call from Daddy had him complaining of pain and numbness and some slightly slurred speech.)

He turns 96 this year. That is really old. But he's such a character to his family, I think they, my husband included, see him as living forever. And I know what they mean--my grandfather is 97. I know me and my cousins all really look up to him--he's a big part of where we got our spirit and measure of "toughness". I remember Pop-pop wouldn't give me an easy win at checkers when I was five--he believed even little kids needed to learn to lose, to learn to win. I think I owe my love of puzzles and mysteries to him--he still does Cryptograph and Crosswords to this day. He's why my dad learned to fight, and passed it on to me. And all of us are off-color humorists. But my grandfather also has a cancer that he isn't treating. (He might still make it to 100--it spreads slow with old people--or so we've been told.) So we love him, but we've already steadied ourselves--and also our Mom-mom, his wife passed, not too long ago, so, well, I think when it comes, we'll be ready. Also, he's a planner--so my mom and dad and the rest of the fam know what to do--burial-wise.

But it isn't quite the same with my spouse's dad. I don't think he ever planned against the day. And he still could speak, so he may very well be doing fine, for now. His own dad saw a long life, I'm told. My grandad's dad saw 100 yrs, so I know people can live one long time. My mother-in-law wasn't terribly put-out.

All the same--96 is old. I wonder if "pre-mourning" is a real emotion. And I worry about my husband, who anyway has to deal with my father-in-law's care, since my father-in-law has scant English and really can't do for himself. My own parents seem young and hale and are vigorous baby-boomers in comparison to his folks. I'm not sure how to comfort my husband, who just always has had really old parents. Mine can still take care of me. His needed him since he was a teenager, to run interference by speaking the language and understanding the rules--since forever. Sometimes, I think he's like a child and a parent to them. And I think that's an amazing thing for him to manage--respecting them for raising him, but sometimes having to be the boss. My too-young-to-have-those-parents hubby is sometimes a little old for me. But I like that about him.

My morbid questions:


Anyone else lose a paterfamilias? Was the whole family affeted?

Anyone the young-ish child of very old parents--how do you cope?

Does preparing to lose a loved one ever make up for the actual event? Does planning lighten the load?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear vixengrl...

My family lost its paterfamilias when my husband's dad died a long time ago. It was a complete shock, but we coped and got past it.

We tend to be pragmatic; dying is part of life.

And I believe that there is such a thing as "pre-mourning." We often call it anticipatory grief, and I believe it can be helpful.

But I also understand that nothing can prepare you for the actual event...Like any life-changing event, there will be aspects that surprise you...

Your post is really a fine and very well organized one...a gem of great writing.

Good luck to you and your husband...and your whole family...

:hug:

[vixengrl]

4. Thanks so much CaliforniaPeggy

It's true--that it's hard to prepare for the actual event. I think that's also what makes imagining it so tough. I also understand that by trying to understand it, I'm better prepared.

I think that's why I do try.

[Drunken Irishman]

2. My grandfather had a stroke in 1996.

My mom's dad, that is. My grandparents had four daughters and all but one live here in Salt Lake. We are extremely close and there were no other grandfathers to the grandkids -- all of the daughters' husbands fathers were either dead or distant. So that made my grandfather essentially the father of the family.

When he had his stroke in 1996, they gave him about four or five years to live, so we obviously tried to emotionally prepare for his death. Grandpa lived until early 2002 and died suddenly in the early morning hours of St. Patrick's Day. It was a shock, even though we had known he was past what the doctors considered the time he had left on this planet. Even though we knew his health was always sketchy and there were past scares, especially the year prior, where we actually thought he died, it didn't make the death any easier to take.

I can't answer your second question, but I can tell you losing my grandpa was very difficult for the entire family. It was the first death in our tight family in close to 20 years (my grandma's father died in his 90s back in the early 90s) and for the kids, the first they really experienced of a close loved one (myself included).

[Richard Steele]

3. Planning for it does not lighten the load.

Grandpa Steele was the GLUE that held our family together.

He was the SUN around which 9 planets and 23 moons orbited.

He passed away, and it all came apart.

It's slowly coming together again; my 2nd-youngest uncle
is 5 years older than I and is in charge of the "Trust"
that owns the Steele property, up Polecat Hollow way.

In another 20 years, when all our grandkids are old enough to hunt there,
he's gonna be called "Grandpa Steele"

The King is dead: long live the King!