I'm having trouble remembering some people's names

[Juche]

I'm trying to think of how to write this without sounding meladromatic but I am not sure how. I am 29 now, will be 30 soon and when I turned 17 I started having symptoms of a serious mental illness that was likely schizophrenia. I did alot of embarassing, humiliating things when I was sick and I had to live with psychotic delusions that destroyed my sense of identity and that caused me massive emotional harm.

Mental illness is a triple whammy in many ways. With most serious illnesses you get sick, then you get treatment. But with mental illness the stigma is gigantic and nobody wants to admit it is going on. So we pretend it isn't happening and sweep it under the rug. So that is strike two, the fact that we as a society (I am guilty too, I am not moralizing about how evil 'those other' people are because we all need improvement) for the most part do nothing. If 25% of the prison population and about half the homeless population were made up of people with cancer you'd hear a public outcry. Not so with mental illness.

But what is even worse is that when you are mentally ill you likely don't even know it. If you have cancer, cardiovascular disease or any other disease you know it and you can be a part of treatment. With mental illnesses your ability to realize you are sick is also damaged. It is a triple whammy that makes neurological illnesses the most feared and misunderstood illnesses on the planet. Its not just the illness itself (I have seen statistics showing mental illnesses responds as well to, if not slightly better to treatment as CVD or cancer and we don't consider those death sentences), its the stigma and the inability to be a constructive part of your own treatment.

When I was sick nobody knew what to do. I was a senior in high school. People felt sorry for me, but you can't cure serious brain diseases with pity. There is a great place called the Pfeiffer institute about 300 miles from where I live, and they have good results with treating neurological illnesses by combining allopathic and alternative therapies. But I didn't know about the place back then. I spent 4 years basically living in my room with no friends and nobody to talk to while the delusions destroyed my soul. By the end I was so fucked up I was trying to get help from total strangers, but because my social skills had atrophied so badly from isolation and being sick, and because I was so full of self hatred and self loathing by that point (and attracted abusive people into my life because of the self hatred) I would get violently and aggresively rejected. Something snapped in me and I realized I had to do everything alone, nobody else cared at all.

And I got better. I have not had symptoms in 8 years (I have mild symptoms when my stress levels are extremely high, but they go away after the stress goes down. Just so people know, partial or full recovery is possible for a growing number of people because our knowledge is growing so fast), I do a variety of things to keep my brain healthy (supplements, nutrition, exercise) because I know a healthy, well nourished brain is more resilient. But what really helped me was my senior year in college when I started seeing a therapist. She was one of the most beautiful human beings I've ever met. Not beautiful on the ouside (I'm hoping people realize that isn't what I'm referring to), but for what she was.

She not only worked with me for 1 hour a week, but she got me involved in group therapy and schizophrenics anonymous. And doing that helped open a door inside my soul that had been violently slammed shut all those years before when I felt like people would become abusive or do nothing if I asked for or needed help. I graduated 2 years ago in spring 2007, had my last therapy session with her in May 2007 and my last SA and group meeting in August 2007. Going to those sessions made me feel safe enough to start facing what had happened to me and as I did that many of the dysfunctional behaviors and neuroticisms I had had before went away.

And I was taking a shower just now and just realized I can't remember their names anymore. I remember my therapist's name (I'll always remember her name) and I remember the name of the leader of the group therapy session, one of the members, and the first name of one of the guys in SA, but that is it. I don't remember the names of the other people in my group therapy session (about 12, people came and went as spring semester changed to summer) or the names of the people in my schizophrenics anonymous group. And I started bawling uncontrollably. I would recognize their faces if I saw them again, but I can't remember their names anymore.

I just want one person to say they know why this is affecting me so strongly and that they understand.

[Shine]

1. Memory is a funny thing. They still don't really know how it works.

I would suggest giving yourself some time to have the names of your friends come back. Sometimes when I'm trying to remember something I can't, I simply let it go and then it'll come to me, later. Just relax about it and don't be so hard on yourself about what it means that you can't remember their names.

It's nice to hear what a positive influence your therapist has had in your life.

I'm in the process of becoming a therapist, too. :)

Take care and be gentle with yourself.

:hi:

[Juche]

4. Thanks

I am very gentle with myself at this point in my life. I would recommend you check out something by Daniel Goleman if you are going into therapy, his stuff has always been almost like a how to manual of social skills needed to deal with life and people. He even went into detail about the concept of a secure base in his book social intelligence and a secure base is what people in emotional need need the most.

As far as my feelings, yeah I do think I am dishonoring the people by not really giving them the importance that they deserve. I've never served in the military but I can understand why so many countries have tombs of the unknown soldier. Something is so deep, then you start to forget it and it is just a dishonor.

[timtom]

9. My memory was razor-sharp until about two years ago.

I am now 66 and sometimes can't find the word I need and definitely have increasing difficulty with people's names.

I feel your consternation.

But, it is no dishonor.

[fizzgig]

2. i think i understand

do you feel as though you're dishonoring those who helped you by not remembering their names? i may be off base, but that's what i think that the case would be for me if i were in a similar situation.

mental illness is a beast, that's for sure. i was diagnosed bipolar II about three years ago and there are good days and bad days. i'm glad to hear that you're doing well and are taking care of yourself, i know how hard that can be to do sometimes.

[Juche]

6. yeah, that is a good explanation

I just wanted someone to say they knew the pain and loneliness I was going through by being sick and to say they knew why I cried so hard when I couldn't remember anymore. I don't want to live my life alone or solve my problems alone anymore. Even if it is just one person on the internet saying "I understand why" that can mean so much to me.

[fizzgig]

8. it definitely helps to be told we're not alone

mental illnesses can be very lonely disorders, mostly due to the stigma related to it. it still makes some people very uncomfortable and many have a hard time relating to it, which can make us feel more alone, which can exacerbate our situation. it can be a very hard cycle to break.

please feel free to pm me any time you need to talk.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. My dear Juche...

Yours is such a poignant story...I'm so glad to see that you've conquered your demons and are now much healthier...

And I think I understand why you're so upset that you can't remember the names of those you knew when you were ill...

They helped support you, and they became part of your life.

They will always be part of you, an important part, and whether you remember their names or not, makes no difference.

They will always live in your heart.

:hug:

[Juche]

5. They will always, but I want to know they are important to me

I feel bad that I remember the names of people in high school and college but have forgotten their names.

Do you know where the name 'Juche' comes from? It is a north Korean philosophy of self reliance. It basically is a philosophy that states 'The world is out to get us, we are on our own in this life and have to solve our own problems and be self reliant or else we open ourselves up to cruelty' but because North Korea doesn't have the resources to take care of itself, it ended up being hollowed out as a nation and is now totally dysfunctional (they would've been dysfunctional anyway, they are a miserable dictatorship. But you get the point). That is why I picked the name "Juche" for myself, I thought it was fitting and described my personality. I try to shut people out because I am afraid they will hurt me if I am too vulnerable, but I can't deal with my problems alone. Nor should I or anyone else. Learning to let good people in to help me deal with the terror and loneliness of being sick has been so hard.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. Ah, thank you for telling me about your name!

It's a fascinating story.

I too tend to be vulnerable, but I tend to let people get close to me pretty easily. As a result, I have been hurt several times, and it's tough to deal with.

I think you're doing well, especially when you consider all that you've been through.

Gentle hugs for you... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Bertha Venation]

10. I understand.

My diagnoses are different from yours, but I do understand. I have forgotten the names of several people who were part of my life, quite a few who were integral to my treatment. It hurts.

I'm sorry you're hurting.