Is it possible to kick someone out politely?

[bicentennial_baby]

Situation: I moved back into my parents' house in order to help my brother out while our Mom is dying, staying here until the end of summer. My Ex/Best Friend of 18 years has been staying here on and off to help out, but hasn't doing anything at all to actually help.

I don't really care if he does anything, I can manage the household just fine, as well as outdoor maintenance, etc.

BUT, he's making my life a living hell since I came back. He claims I'm 'forcing' him to move out, b/c he needs his 'personal space'. And yet, he's NEVER here when I'm not, according to my brother. Also, he hasn't made a move about actually leaving. He nitpicks every single thing I do now.

Example: I put a light in the bedroom ceiling fixture...he flipped out. I put my carton of cigarettes on the bookcase, he flipped out.

I have enough stress. I want him out. But, I don't want to destroy our friendship, if possible.

My brother wants him out too.

I don't know what to do. I can't stand anymore fighting.

Sigh....

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear bi_baby...

You do NOT need any more stress right now.

Tell him to leave, or STFU.

Or have your brother do it...

I'm sorry you're dealing with him now...

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

2. Yeah, I know you're correct

It just sucks. I don't know why he's acting like this. He's putting me in a tough position.

:hug:

[PeaceNikki]

3. I would explain it like this...

You're there now full-time to manage the household and spend it with your family. I'd thank him for all that he's done and for being there (even if in your heart you know it's not 100% true) and tactfully explain that you don't want to encroach on HIS personal space AND be able to spend some precious time with your family while you can without damaging your friendship or causing additional stress for him, you or your family.

That, or just say your brother wants him gone. ;)

Good luck. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

6. That sounds good

He won't take it well, but that sounds like the best way to do it.

Thanks :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

4. When you can do so calmly, tell him that you aren't trying to cause him any stress

and that you must be in the house now because of your mother's condition so either you all need to get along or he needs to look for a new place to live because your living there is not negotiable.

He's playing out some other drama with his own life and frankly m'dear you can't give a damn.


on edit: and peace nikki said it better than I did so go with her approach.

[bicentennial_baby]

8. Yeah, I'm furious, so right now isn't the right time, I guess

This just sucks. I hate it.

[HopeHoops]

5. If you say "PLEASE" you are doing well...

As in... "Please get the fuck out of my house before I rip your fucking lungs out and use them as a filter in my fish tank!!!"

That's polite.

[bicentennial_baby]

7. That's how I feel right now

I just came back from Easter dinner, and he's napping, and doesn't want me in my OWN room until he gets up. Um... :wtf:

[petronius]

9. From that description, I wouldn't say that politeness is indicated

However, I'd say a clear statement that you value the friendship and the current stressful situation is putting it in jeopardy woud be appropriate. However, it all assumes that he's equally interested in preserving the friendship, and it sounds like he's not making any effort in that direction...

[skygazer]

10. Bi-Baby, you're not the one destroying the friendship

He is.

He knows what kind of stress you're under - or should if he is a friend. He is behaving poorly and not being a good friend to you. Tell him that you value his friendship but right now, you have too many things on your plate to deal with the added stress he is putting you under. And I would point out that he is adding to your cares rather than easing them.

I'm sure there is a reason you want to keep this friendship but from this short post, I can't imagine why. He sounds like a selfish prick to me.

:hug:

[rcrush]

11. Box up his stuff and leave it on the curb and change the locks when he's not home.

He'll get the hint.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

12. He's your friend?

Friends don't behave like that. Seriously, how much of that "friendship" is worth preserving when the guy is acting like a selfish dick? Friends don't make their friends lives a living hell; it sounds to me like he's just sponging off your family. Politely boot his ass out of there so you can better handle the stress you already have.

[Dappleganger]

13. Blood is thicker than water.

Especially during times like these.

Write a note, tell him it's time for changes and he needs to move on. No explanation is needed.
If he gives you a hard time, stand your ground and don't make excuses. Have the support of your brother with you there if necessary.

[VenusRising]

14. Ugh...I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I would just say that you have so much going on right now and you just need personal time and space to take care of everything you have to this summer. He should know what's on your plate right now, so it shouldn't be a surprising request.

I really hope that all goes well. I know how frustrating it can be when one person is throwing off the whole house. Hang in there, hon.

:hug::hug::hug:



Edited to add that if he doesn't take the hint you can always have a knitting accident. :evilgrin:

[bicentennial_baby]

16. d00d, knitting needles can fuck you up!

There's a thread on Rav about knitting injuries, and...OMG. The punctures! Mainly from DPNs! Ankles, Thighs, Feet...it was horrific. :o

[VenusRising]

19. I read about a woman falling on her needles.

She was impaled by one that nicked her heart! :o is right!

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=6681249&page=1

[bigwillq]

15. Sorry, but he sounds like he's a bitch.

Excuse my language, and if it's offensive, forgive me.

But kick him out and tell him he can't come back until he acts like a man. He's not doing any helping so he is not needed. He's only making the situation worse. Give him a choice: Either step up or get out.

Good Luck :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

17. Ha. I like it

Bitch, exactly.

Thanks buddy :hug:

[bigwillq]

18. Didn't know

if I was crossing a line. But that's what he sounds like to me. I know he's still your friend so I didn't know if you would be offended.

:hug:

or just have Sniffa beat him up. :P ;) :)

[applegrove]

20. Just tell them you are not good living together and you are worried it will ruin your

friendship.

[grasswire]

21. have another person there...

...for moral support. A friend of your family, an older person, whatever. Get some boxes. Have a deadline. Does this person have somewhere to go?

[Fleshdancer]

22. This isn't the way a best friend acts sweetheart

You're not there for a friendly, care-free visit. You're dealing with some pretty heavy stuff right now and a true friend would recognize this and show some compassion for the situation you're in. Flipping out over anything you do is unacceptable, especially over lightbulbs and cigarettes.

Is this usual behavior for him? If not, what's going on? Does he still have feelings for you? Is he close enough with your family that he could be struggling with your mom's condition too? Regardless, it sounds like he has some unresolved issues and he's taking it out on you at a time when you're probably feeling more vulnerable which totally sucks.

No matter what, he needs to leave. I recommend you and your brother approach him together as a united front. Simply tell him that this is a difficult time for you and your family and the arguments and nitpicking are causing you more stress than you are capable of handling at this time.

:hug:

[davsand]

23. Screw polite. He's evidently not too worried about your feelings or he'd not act that way.

Sorry to be terribly blunt, but it all comes down to the "assist -v- annoy" balance and he's tipping the scale as being more of an annoyance than an assist for you at a time when you are dragging just about as much chain as you can and still stay afloat. I'm not saying you can ever make that call based on one or two isolated times--but it sounds like maybe this guy has become an ongoing PITA.

I agree with the suggestion made upthread about trying to be civil and making it (spinning it, actually) about his comfort just so it minimizes the hassle, but make no mistake that is about keeping it better for you than it is about his feelings. He forfeited that when he started acting like an ass when you needed him most.

Again, sorry to be so blunt.


Laura