Taking care of your parents

[Patiod]

So i was standing in the room I grew up in last night, trying to get my dad settled into (my old) bed. He kept yelping in pain, which made me flinch, which in turn upset him. I've got to work on my poker face - need to develop the coping mechanism MDs and RNs have - they can't cringe when a patient is in pain.

He's 85, and is recovering from multiple verbebral fractures - not an easy pain management case. I've been living at their house, taking care of the dog while he was in ortho rehab, and was planning on moving back with my SO tomorrow. Dad asked me if I could stay a little longer, and of course I can. All I could think of was all the nights he stood where I was, seeing me through mumps, chicken pox, bronchitis, and broken bones - all the things parrents do automatically without anyone asking "do you mind?"

Anyone else taking care of elderly parents? The one blessing is that he's pretty sharp for 85 - I have friends whose parents have Alzheimer's, and that's a lot more difficult to manage.

[auntAgonist]

1. Your post reminds me of a children's book by Rober Munsch

"love you forever"

"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

-----------

One day the publisher called up and said "This is very strange. It is selling very well in retirement communities in Arizona. It is selling in retirement communities where kids are illegal. This is supposed to be a children's book. What is going on?"

"Grownups are buying it for grownups!"

In fact, it turned out that parents buy it for grandparents and grandparents buy it for parents and kids buy it for everybody and everybody buys it for kids.


***************************************************************************

Your father raised you right. I hope he has a speedy recovery and is free of pain (if possible)
Look after yourself too!

:hug: and good wishes for your Father.

[Patiod]

2. Thank you so much, AuntieA

I've seen that book, and your post brought a tear to my eye - but then again, I'm feeling a little tender recently.

Went to a reunion in Las Vegas a few weeks ago, and cried the whole first day - for no reason. Fortunately, Reunion = Old Friends, so everyone just ignored the tears and made sure I was included in all the festivities.

[auntAgonist]

3. Feeling tender is a great way to describe love.

My MIL has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home. It was impossible for us or any of my husband's 2 other brothers to care for her properly. My heart goes out to people dealing with age, illness and everything else that families do out of love for one another.

Hang in there. I'm glad your old friends were there for you and hope you have new friends to bolster you when needed.

:hug:


kesha

[canoeist52]

11. That book still sits on my shelf after 22 years.

Read it to my kids. Read it to my mom. Found my Mom's copy cleaning out her house this week. She now has Alzheimer's and just moved into assisted living.

[tigereye]

4. my parents are in their late 70s and 80s one with early Alzheimers and one

with some heart issues. So it's very hard to think of the folks who once were the strong ones, parents, as needing help and care. Luckily there are 4 of us kids and that makes it easier, but it's very hard to balance out how much help they need, and knowing when facility/Assisted living care will be needed.


Good luck to you and yours. :hug: It's not easy being the sandwich generation.

[Patiod]

6. Thanks, tigereye

Sorry about the Alzheimers, which has to be tough to face.

I have one brother, who is sterotypically Useless.

On the other hand, my friend's 4 sisters are always terrorizing her into providing more help for her Dad then she think is necessary (she is happy to help take care of him, but their standards household cleanliness border on OCD).

My dad is firmly set on staying at home, and I'm going to try and make that happen.

[tigereye]

7. yes, I have had to tell my sibs a few times that it's really up to the parents

to make the choices, as best they can, as long as they are in control of their faculties. My mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers - which I had suspected for a while, and is now taking medications, which seem to help. It's just really rough that it has such a poor prognosis, and that many old school docs simply see it as senility. We had to refer her to a psychiatrist ourselves to get more info. Apparently most people are really surprised by their parent's deterioration, and simply ignore the signs and symptoms.

[Shell Beau]

5. I think it is wonderful that you are able to take care of your dad.

I will be here for both of my parents no matter what it may take. They gave me their all when I was growing up, and I hopefully will be able to return the favor to them one day.

[travelingtypist]

8. Mom is 65 and not so spry.

She gets tired easy, can't do much. Lives in an RV park in a 5th wheel and the laundry room is about 1/4 mile away. I do her laundry, do her grocery shopping. Daughterly duties. Grateful she's still sharp as tack and her favorite thing is to flick me shit. Your post kind of made me tear up a little. It's just the right thing.

[Patiod]

9. You sound like a good soul

It is just the right thing. And often falls to the daughters, huh?

[applegrove]

10. Mine are still pretty independant. But yeah I run errands for them on my days off work.

[BlueIris]

12. Been doing it for going on seven years now. It's hell on earth.

No advice, other than suggesting you speak with the appropriate medical professionals about your mental health as needed.

[Patiod]

13. Hope you are doing what you need to do to stay sane, BlueIris

Seven years is a long time. My dad is 85, but his mother lived to be 101....

Right now I'm okay with my S.O., my parents' dachshund, wine, my book club and an excellent nearby public library to help me keep my sanity. But if it goes on to 7 years -- then psychiatric professionals, here I come.

[sarge43]

14. Yup. One of the worst things about it is you get no breaks.

It's 26/8. My mother's doctor finally told me he was making arrangements to place her in a nursing home before I wound up in ICU or the laughing academy.

Second BlueIris' advice. Don't be a martyr.

(typo)

[BlueIris]

16. Totally. It is guerrilla warfare. No let up or escape.

I'm about the throw in the towel, myself, but no one can say I didn't try.

I hope you (and the OP for this thread) are doing as well as I aspire to be.

[sarge43]

20. Don't you be a martyr either. The day must come when you

realize there's nothing more you can do. Today is as good as it will ever be and tomorrow will be worse. And I know you tried because you know what it's like.

Mom died several years ago. The nursing home called me at work. After I took the call, I told them I'd be there the next day, sighed and went back to work. A couple days later a jackass from the admin office got in my face about not crying or showing much emotion. I jammed my fists in my pockets and answered, "My mother is out of pain now and I will be. I can't cry over that. Anyway, I ran out of tears a long time ago."

All my best to the OP, too.

[Patiod]

28. a little judgemental there

Wow - chiding you for not showing emotion?

My mom had a stroke, and I had to travel to LA for work shortly after, knowing that my dad was going to pull the plug while I was gone. She had serious brain damage, and our worst fear wasn't that she would die, but that she would survive.

Twice the hospital personnel seemed to pass judgement on our reactions:

First, when we left her the first night when it was touch and go. Now, my dad had 3 fractured vertabrae, so I had to get him home. The nurses said "you not staying?!?!"

No - she's in a coma, she's not hearing or perceiving anything, and I've got a live 85 year-old here who is in a great deal of pain.

Second time, the hospital called my cell when I was in LA and said "your mom passed away at 11 pm". It was 2an out there, and I knew my dad had the respirator removed in the afternoon. I simply said "OK, thank you so much for letting me know."

"Aren't you going to come in?" she asked.

I didn't say "well, it's a 2000 mile trip home" or tell her that I had been there with her in the ER when she was conscious for a short while right after the brain bleed before the coma or tell her that we had decided that maintaining her on a vent would be horrible. I just said "no, we said our good-byes, no one will be coming in, you can do what you need to do now."

Silence - she was really horrified. But you know, we had all had a few days and a LOT of thought in order to come to terms with this.

Kind of like you had plenty of time to come to terms with how things were, sarge.

There's a good lesson for health care professionals and everone else, which is that none of us really know the whole story, and when it comes to other people's families, we might want to reserve judgement.

[sarge43]

34. That's terrible you had to take that from health care professionals.

They have to toughen themselves in order to deal with death and they don't have a life time of emotional bonds, good and bad, on top of it. If anyone should have some empathy, they should.

As an old grunt said when asked about combat said, "If you been there, you don't have to ask. If you haven't, I can't tell you."

[old mark]

15. My dad is 92, lives far away in Texas, near my sister abd BIl.

He lives in a retirement place near the coast by Galviston and he really enjoy it, I'm told.
We don't like each other, have not been able to be in the same room for decades, get along better since he moved to Texas.

All the rest of that generation of my family and in-laws are dead.

All of you who have a chance to spend time with your parents, even if it's painful, don't realize how lucky you are.

mark

[DarkTirade]

17. Grandparents here.

Well, mostly my grandpa. My grandma just needs me to do stuff that she isn't physically capable of doing. My grandpa has had a few heart attacks and kidney failure, right now my grandma isn't physically capable of getting him to and from dialysis appointments and helping him get around. So I moved up here to help out and drive him to and from dialysis.

[Roon]

31. My Grandparents do very well on their own too, but they need help

My Grandfather finally gave up driving so my Uncle drives them everywhere.Before my Uncle moved in this used to be my job, now I am just a backup. I am just glad my Grandparents have plenty of help around here. I can keep an eye on one of them while the other one is out and about.

[Arugula Latte]

18. Wow ... You are lucky to have each other.

My dad never engaged in the caregiving -- never. My mom did that. I think it's unusual for dads from that era to have done that.

[Patiod]

25. My mom couldn't deal with nausea or coughing

So if it was vomiting - my dad held my head. With the bronchitis, he used to rock me to sleep in a rocker, and sing me Irish songs.

He was saying the other night "but you have to work tomorrow" and I said "I bet there were a few nights you had to work that you were up pretty late with your coughing daughter" and he had to laugh. "But you're not singing to me," he said, and I reminded him that he was ALREADY in pain anad didn't need my tone-deaf voice adding to his problems.

[PRETZEL]

19. In some respects this is a bad subject for me,

before my mom passed away she was very sick from complications of her diabetes. Her care at home was provided by my dad and brothers. From the very start they felt it best to not keep me fully informed as to her condition. They kept telling me that she was doing ok and that she was getting better after the many strokes that she had. They felt that at the time since I lived at the other end of the state and had my own family to attend to that I shouldn't have to have that extra worry. To this day over 15 years later I'm still resentful that I wasn't there to help. I don't necessarily blame them but more myself for not believing what I felt was the real story. Thanksgiving weekend, 1993 was the last time I saw my mom alive. She couldn't talk, could only respond by blinking. She only stayed alive long enough to see her grandchildren one more time. She was gone by the time I made it back to Philly that Sunday nite. Fifteen years later I still kick myself in the ass for not being there to help. She was never going to recover, but that isn't the point.

At the same time, I too am blessed that my dad, who just turned 85 is still as sharp and energetic as ever. Our conversations are usually pretty short when we talked, but we can still talk.

[Patiod]

26. Sorry to hear that about your mom

As you can see by my avatar, I'm in the Philly area -- like me, your brothers didn't move away, huh?

They were trying to protect you, which must have been frustrating if you didn't want protection. Whem my mom had a stroke 2 months ago, my dad insisted that I go ahead and take the business trip that I had scheduled, and then he pulled the plug alone. I was angry, but several people made me realize that if my dad wanted to "protect" me, I should just go ahead and let him, which I did. But I'm with you, Pretzel, I didn't want to be protected.

[elifino]

21. Primary care giver

My father is 96, blind, unable to carry on a conversation. He takes no medication but requires 24/7 care. He has lived with me the last 8 years, since my mother passed away. The last three have been difficult, I am lucky to be able to telecommute and work as a part time employee for the company I have worked for the last 49 plus years. Being able to have something to do most of the day keeps me from going crazy. As if I did not have enough to worry about, my wife passed away this last January.
I am happy to care for my father in his time of need, he cared for my mother for over 15 years.

My thoughts are with you, life will go on.

elifino

[Arugula Latte]

22. That is quite a load you have there. Sounds like you are handling it well, though.

I'm sure that can get very lonely, though. Keep hanging in there.

[elifino]

23. THANKS

[Patiod]

27. elifino - sorry for the slurs on guys as caregivers

Whenever I talk to a healthcare provider about not getting any help from my brother, they just roll their eyes as if to say "what guy DOES help?"

But you remind me that there ARE guys out there taking care of their loved ones. Also sorry that you are by yourself now that you wife is gone - that must make it lonelier and more difficult. Any animals in the house at least?

My thoughts are with you too, elifino

[elifino]

35. Hey, no problem

I plan to keep Pop at home as long as possible, I have seen too many of my extended family die in nursing homes. I think most men do not think that they can take care of someone, it does not mean that they do not care. I just think that I can take better care of my father than someone who does not really know him.
I have just turned 70 myself and just hope I can continue to care for him as long as he lives.

elifino

[tigereye]

38. when I was canvassing for Obama, I met a very nice man who was caring

for his elderly father full-time. Folks who are able to do that have my full respect. My sister lives with my parents, who still function fairly well, considering what they have been through lately health-wise, but I don't know if I would be able to be there all the time. My brother and SIL live closer, so I feel blessed in a way.


:hug: for you and for your father.

[JitterbugPerfume]

24. God help me I hope I die

before I get in such bad shape that I put the children I love through this

[Patiod]

29. Well, in my case, I sincerely don't mind

Not that I'm "paying him back" for taking care of me when I was tiny, but now that the tables are turned, I'm glad to be able to help.

Plus we're both sort of enjoying the time together.

I only mind seeing him in so much pain.

Well, and I'm not used to him being so nice - he's usually way more cranky, and it's disconcerting!

[JitterbugPerfume]

30. My mom had dementia

and it was torture for us to see her like that, and she would never have wanted it. Daddy just laid down and died at 95 , He was a joy to the end .

[texanwitch]

32. I have two parents.

One is living in a home now, and the other one down the street.

They both have problems.

I have taken over a lot now for them.

It takes a lot hard work.

[Critters2]

33. I'm thinking of you, Patiod. Sorry you're dealing with this.

I just came home from visiting my dad, who's 73 and living alone since my mom's death 4 years ago. He's still in good health, for the most part, but I worry about him being alone. He showed me some senior condos that he's clearly interested in living in. It's a nice complex, with a branch of the YMCA with programs geared to seniors, where he's started working out; a coffee house where he likes to take his laptop and hang out (for some reason it was weird to hear my dad order a latte!), and various sizes and layouts of condos. But, they only allow one small pet, and he has 4 cats. When he adopted the 3rd and 4th cats, soon after my mom's death, I wondered what we'd with 4 cats, if anything should happen to him.

So, he's complaining about how these condos won't let him have four cats, rather than seeing how unwise it was to adopt 4 cats at a time when he's looking at senior condos. And I really wish he could get into one of these units, rather than mowing the lawn all summer and shoveling snow all winter.

Oops! Sorry for the rant!

Umm, yeah. I'm starting to see the concern about caring for an aging parent. I wish you and your dad the best. :hi:

[FarLeftRage]

36. I am and have done so for the last 7 years.

Both are relatively healthy and are in their mid-80's.
My Mother has a very hard time walking, let alone standing up and her mind comes and goes.
My Father has lost alot of weight and has minor problems.

So I guess, I have not reached that point where things are critical...yet.
I am thankful to have them both with me and I am happy to help them out.

[Patiod]

39. That's my attitude exactly

Just glad my Dad is still here for a little while, given all his health problems.

Good you're there to help your parents out, FLR

[Mike 03]

37. Your thread is very appreciated by me. I'm not yet in your situation but it is coming

fast, so it helps a lot to see how others are coping, and what they are feeling, about this process.

Thanks for sharing this.

[Patiod]

40. I sort of saw it coming

I used to work downtown, a 30-min train ride and 20-min drive from their house. About a year ago, I took a job about 1/2 mile from their house (same responsibilities, better pay), and one of the factors was that I suspected one or both of them might need some additional help, and trying to do it while working downtown had almost driven me over the edge 2 years ago.

It helps when you can prepare for it in some way, Mike

[zanne]

41. Believe it or not, the world is a better place because you're caring for your dad. nt

[Dystopian]

42. Patiod....

You have beautiful memories of you and your dad....the sometimes inevitable role reversal.
He's blessed to have you there for him....many elderly are left alone. I hear far too many sad stories from my daughter as she works in a nursing home. She's often distraught, knowing that some of the residents have family nearby and they rarely 'have time' to visit.

Thankfully, he is recovering. I know it's difficult for you seeing him in pain....
I took care of my mother while she was dying from cancer...it was hell knowing that she would soon be leaving us.

You're a beautiful soul....:hug:


peace~

[Patiod]

46. thanks, dystopian

sounds as if you've been in the same spot.

Your daughter is certainly doing the Lord's work - not everyone could handle working in a nursing home.

[Blue Diadem]

43. My brother and I did for a very long time.

They were still able to do a lot for themselves but we kept up their house and yard, made sure they had groceries, took them to Dr. appts, did personal care giving as needed, etc. There were services we enlisted from the county that helped with personal care which helped a lot.

I suppose we were a bit accustomed to it from helping so much with my older sister who was born with Downs Syndrome. But for my parents it began when my Mom woke up and couldn't get out of bed. I was a newlywed, a year out of HS, 18 yrs old. She had vertebrae deterioration due to spinal osteoporosis and learned how to walk again that summer. I took care of my sister and the house. Two years later, my father at 59 had a stroke. He never worked again but recovered enough that he functioned pretty well, could still drive, but could be like a child at times. He passed 10 yrs later. In the next 10 after his death, my sis passed and then my Mom.

Helping them was such a big part of my life that I was lost for a long time after they were gone. It seems like a lifetime that if I wasn't at their house, I was checking in with them via phone several times a day. My kids were born, became adults and even took part in helping through the years. I'd probably be in a loony bin if my brother hadn't moved back in the early years, from out of state, to within walking distance from them. He was a tremendous help and probably did more than I did.

Our childhood wasn't nice, but I still felt I owed it to them to be there. They had done the best they could with what they knew and I couldn't hold that against them. I'm thankful that my dad's personality changed after his stroke to one of a sweet gentle man. I had 10 wonderful years with him, he made amends with my brothers and I wouldn't change one minute of it. My Mom's treatment of me didn't change until the end when it was to the point that only my youngest son and I were there for her.

You take care Patiod. It can be overwhelming and exhausting at times but IMO, it's one of the greatest gifts we can give our parents and ourselves.

[Patiod]

45. Thank you, Blue D

Most of us have to deal with caretaking later in life, not starting at 18 (and even before if you include your sister).

It would probably be easier to make decisions if 1) I was married with my own family or 2) single. But my father is now pressuring me to move in with my SO and my cat, and my SO is not amenable (and I don't know what the cat will think about moving and living with a dacshund), and I can't blame either of them (long story).

IT would also be simpler if he had a more conventional illness with a known trajectory - his fragile bones are holding up okay now, but there could be trouble any day.

But I'll figure it out and make sure my dad is taken care of one way or the other.

[Jamastiene]

44. I take care of my aunt.

A lot of people don't believe this, but it's a full time job. From the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed, and even while she is in bed, she needs all the help she can get. She helped raise me. I'm trying to do the best I can. I hope it's good enough.