This is a brand-new poem...an experiment if you will.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

A good friend suggested I was getting too comfortable in my "normal" style...

He suggested this to me and I've decided to try it out.

I really want your constructive criticism!

Behold:

“Once, I was young”

Once, I was young and my parents’ windows revealed what they wanted me to see.
My skies were serenely blue and there were rainbows after storms; I felt protected and loved.
But darker clouds loomed and sometimes there were nightmares, dreams from which I had no waking.
The innocence of childhood clung to me as it does to this day.
I grew up and the windows of my youth gave way to different views.
My college dorm window had a sign: Men wanted, No experience needed.
I was looking for love wherever I could find it and there were few takers

Then love walked into my life
New windows opened, new skies shone on me
We spent our youth in joy, in love, in our young married life and then our children arrived
And another set of windows opened upon us with our daughters peering up as I had done
Once when I was young.

I realized that all these years I’d been in control of my vision through all those windows
Even though I felt as though my parents still held me to their views, this wasn’t so, not at all.
You feel as though the chains of your childhood still remain, though it had been years since that was true for me.
Suddenly I think I am free.

Now, I am old.
But once, I was young...


© MLC

[seaker]

1. Love the narrative style

:loveya:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

2. My dear seaker!

I'm so glad you do!

But...can I improve on it?

You always love my stuff...

Thank you, sweetie...

:hug:

[seaker]

3. Ok

Maybe try to minimize the qualifying words such as, even, but...It could be cleaner

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. Aw, thanks, sweetie...

Yes, I see what you mean.

I use those words to clarify, but they do muddy up the landscape, don't they?

Thank you!

[seaker]

5. Thank you

:loveya:

[NanceGreggs]

6. Absolutely LOVE IT!!!

... and you. :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. Aw, my dear Nance...

Thank you, sweetie...

Love you too... :hug:


Damn it girl, you made me cry, you did...

[bluesbassman]

8. Cool Peggy!

Hope you do some more in this style.:applause:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

9. My dear bluesbassman!

Thank you, sweetie...

I expect to continue with this...

Until I get stale, that is...:P

[Name removed]

10. Deleted message

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[UrbScotty]

11. My dear CaliforniaPeggy!

The one thing I would keep in mind next time you write a poem like this is to use a variety of words. You do need to use words like 'and,' 'though,' 'there,' etc., but I feel a greater variety of words would help people to better understand the message.

Perhaps more metaphors would work as well.

I hope this helps! :-)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. My dear UrbScotty!

And I appreciate your comments so much...

This is just the second poem I've done in this style, so I have much to learn.

Thank you.

It does help a lot, sweetie.

:D

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. I think you are on to something --

:thumbsup:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

15. My dear Tuesday Afternoon!

Thanks!

Appreciate it...

:hi:

[Callalily]

14. This style seems to suit

you, well, this poem anyway. It's a wonderful narrative, and I certainly can relate.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

16. My dear Callalily!

It does feel pretty good, writing in this way. It's still very new, and I need to practice of course...

Thank you so much, sweetie!

:hi:

[CreekDog]

17. I like it

I enjoy the longer form too. :hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. My dear CreekDog...

Thanks!

It surprised me that I could write longer...

:hi:

[Rising Phoenix]

19. Loving it peggy

very different from your "usual" style......but I think this writing could take you to great places :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

20. My dear Rising Phoenix!

It is very different...

And I need to grow, and stretch. Obviously, I have much to learn with this one, but learn I shall...

Thank you, sweetie...:hug:

[Rising Phoenix]

21. learning is fun!

But I think you are off to a great start, I really liked it.

[applegrove]

22. Neat.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

23. Thank you, my dear applegrove...

[Prisoner_Number_Six]

24. Interesting concept- one I hadn't considered for myself.

One thing to remember- Clarity Of Thought. My personal philosophy is to try to say more by speaking less. But that's just me- the opposite may well work for you as you gain experience with the style.

I do like this one, but agree you could do a bit more to control the flow of the thought. You'll get the hang of it- you'll probably improve this one when you do a rewrite!

:yourock:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

25. Now remember I told you...

I just wrote it last night, and did very little editing...

I'm sure it will clean up nicely!

And whaddya mean...probably!:P

I'm kidding...

Thanks for your very helpful criticism...

:yourock: too, sweetie!

[ashling]

26. My dear Peggy

I have to confess that I haven't been able to fully deconstruct it (my eyes aren't what they use to be), but my first impression (and my second, too) is that it is great. I too like the narrative style.

Again, upon reading it further, I might have some other comments - either punctuation or particular words.

:hi:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

27. My dear ashling...

I really appreciate your taking the time to come by tonight for this little experiment of mine.

And I look forward to whatever you might want to tell me about the punctuation or anything else!

Thank you so much, sweetie...

:hug: