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May I please have help on this poem I just wrote? Thank you.

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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 07:44 PM
Original message
May I please have help on this poem I just wrote? Thank you.
Edited on Sat Apr-25-09 08:11 PM by elshiva
Put your head out the window,
try to sing
like Louis Armstrong
because it's spring
damp and hot.
Would you please sing for me?
I lost my voice
on the light rail
last Saturday.

A sweet angel
stole my vocal cords
for his Sunday meat.
Thank him for me
because now
when I cry
there is no sound.
But, would you sing?
It's humid in Baltimore
and I want to
hear the jazz.

Is this better?

Put your head out the window try to sing like Louis Armstrong because it's spring,damp and hot. Would you please sing for me? I lost my voice on the light rail last Saturday. A sweet angel stole my vocal cords for his Sunday meat. Thank him for me because now when I cry there is no sound. But, would you sing? It's humid in Baltimore and I want to hear the jazz.
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LeftyFingerPop Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 07:53 PM
Response to Original message
1. I like it and I would not change it.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:06 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. Thanks, honey. You are lovely. You inspired it.
:hug: :loveya:
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RadiationTherapy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:07 PM
Response to Original message
3. I see prose with the 'enter' key hit several times.
Edited on Sat Apr-25-09 08:08 PM by RadiationTherapy
Rewrite it as a prose paragraph, and I think it will be more beautiful.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:09 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. Like a prose poem?
:shrug:
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RadiationTherapy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:47 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. MMmmmmm. I don't know. So many people do this these days...
Write prose in a column and call it poetry. I will not "define" poetry, but, for me, a "real" poem cannot be written as sentences and paragraphs.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:57 PM
Response to Reply #5
7. That's your opinion.
Edited on Sat Apr-25-09 08:58 PM by elshiva
I don't agree with you. However, I don't want to get into an argument. Poetry is not an exact science. Just expressing myself.
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RadiationTherapy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:41 PM
Response to Reply #7
14. It is important to me that you understand I think it is beautiful.
I was just offering a criticism. I apologize if I detracted from your experience.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:47 PM
Response to Reply #14
15. No need to apologize. You did not detract from my experience at all.
Edited on Sat Apr-25-09 09:47 PM by elshiva
It was constructive criticism. Thank you. It's different than what my professors said about how to frame poetry. However, that does not make what you said wrong, just different. It's a struggle to express anything in words and attempting to put them in a poem is even more difficult.

On edit: You and everyone else made it an even better experience. Thank you. :)
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RadiationTherapy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:50 PM
Response to Reply #15
16. Whew! Thanks.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:56 PM
Response to Reply #16
17. You are welcome. I hope that is a funny "whew."
:) It takes a lot to make me angry at a person. :hug:
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Dystopian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:47 PM
Response to Original message
6. That's awesome....
:loveya:
You certainly don't need help...it's a lovely poem...haunting.
I love it...I could feel the words...I was there.

I just noticed how everything changes when poetry is put in a paragraph.....
The first version is it.


peace~

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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 08:59 PM
Response to Reply #6
8. Thank you. I just needed to get that out somewhere so
that others could see it. :hug:
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Tuesday Afternoon Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:15 PM
Response to Original message
9. I like it .... any way ---
Put your head out the window, try to sing
like Louis Armstrong because it's spring, damp and hot.

Would you please sing for me?
I lost my voice on the light rail last Saturday.

A sweet angel stole my vocal cords for his Sunday meat.
Thank him for me because now when I cry there is no sound.

But, would you sing?
It's humid in Baltimore and I want to hear the jazz.


?Maybe:shrug:
Just a different structure

I kind of hear it as a song, but that is just me. :hi:
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:17 PM
Response to Reply #9
10. Thank you. I hear it as a song, too.
I've been listening to music all day. Just grateful that I can listen to it. I can't carry a tune at all, but I've always wanted to sing.

:hug: How are you honey?
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S n o w b a l l Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:19 PM
Response to Reply #9
11. That's very nice, Tuesday...
:)
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S n o w b a l l Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:24 PM
Response to Original message
12. I love it Elshiva...
I agree with some of the changes here but your words are awesome. Very good job Elshiva.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:29 PM
Response to Reply #12
13. Thanks, honey.
:hug: :hug:


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