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Please, lounge, try and patch up your important relationships

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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:24 PM
Original message
Please, lounge, try and patch up your important relationships
I had a falling out with a friend about a year and a half ago. We had not spoken since. I found out today that she passed away on Wednesday. She was only 49.

I am fucking devastated and am beating myself up pretty relentlessly right now.

:cry:
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Midlodemocrat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:27 PM
Response to Original message
1. Don't. You didn't know and you shouldn't beat yourself up
over trying to repair a relationship that might not have survived in the first place.

I'm sorry for your friend, Kitchy, but sorrier for your pain. You're an incredible person. Sometimes people say things that they don't mean in the heat of an argument and then don't know how to fix it.

I KNOW how amazing you are. I'm sure your friend did as well.

:hug:

:loveya:

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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 11:33 PM
Response to Reply #1
19. Thank you Midlo
:hug:

God this is so hard.

I left a message on her parents' voicemail. Hoping to hear back about arrangements, etc.
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skygazer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:27 PM
Response to Original message
2. I'm sorry about your friend
I had the same thing happen with my sister.

It took some time for me to accept what I knew deep down - that she always knew that I loved her in spite of any differences we had. The same is no doubt true with your friend. That's not to say you're not right - it is important not to let stuff like that drag out until it's too late. But don't beat yourself up too much (I know - easier said than done).

:hug:
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Danger Mouse Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:28 PM
Response to Original message
3. We can never know. We can never prepare.
My step-father went into a permanent vegetative state all at once, and I never was able to reconcile with him.
Maybe I'm regretful.
I don't know.
Don't beat yourself up over it. You just can't know.
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arcadian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:45 PM
Response to Reply #3
11. I was on the road when my father passed away.
In Gillette, Wyoming. It was the last time I talked to him, he wasn't able to talk, so I just spoke to him. My sister was his primary care giver and she had told me that she put on some soothing music and that it wouldn't be long before he passed. I was thinking to myself that she should wheel in a TV so he could watch a ballgame or something, but I never said anything. I could only hear him wheezing and breathing heavily now and again but he was actually able to acknowledge what I was saying so he was coherent even though he couldn't talk. A couple of hours after I hung up I realized I hadn't told him that I loved him. Not once in the whole conversation. He died the next day. In August it will be 10 years since that day and I still regret it and I always will.
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arcadian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:31 PM
Response to Original message
4. I'm sure your friend knew that you still cared for her.
Those ties will last through any falling out that you may have had.
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elshiva Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:33 PM
Response to Original message
5. As, DangerMouse said, you never know when a person will die.
It's hard as hell to patch up ALL relationships. Please don't beat yourself up. You are lovely person. :hug:
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Lil Missy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:34 PM
Response to Original message
6. I'm so sorry about your friend, Kitchy.
But please don't beat yourself up. She could have reached out a hand to you too, and apparently didn't. Friendships go two ways, ya know?

:hug:

BTW, if you don't mind my asking, was this a sudden death? Or after a period of sickness? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I'll understand.
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KitchenWitch Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:37 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. I don't know
The full obituary is not in the Minneapolis paper yet. My dad, who habitually reads the obituaries (don't ask), saw her name in a "full notice to follow" obit.

One of my other friends found her name in the death notices in Ft Myers FL (where she happened to be vacationing).

I wish I knew more.
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LeftyFingerPop Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:39 PM
Response to Original message
8. As humans, we always think of things as we would see them, not as
others would see them.

I would bet you any amount of money that she "forgave" you (or whatever needed to happen) long before she died.

She is at peace, and so should you be.
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bigwillq Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:40 PM
Response to Original message
9. I'm very sorry, Kitchy.
:hug:

That is very good advice. But don't beat yourself up over it. Stuff happens. :hug: You know for next time, now. Everything is a learning experience. :hug:
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CaliforniaPeggy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:42 PM
Response to Original message
10. Oh no, my dear KW...
This is a tough one...

I'm echoing all the other posters here...

Be good to yourself, OK?

I am so very sorry, sweetie...

:hug: :hug:

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ThomCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:46 PM
Response to Original message
12. I am very sorry.
:hug:

I have been in similar situations. I have lost some people who were very dear to me at times in the past. I wish I could have been there, and close to them, at the very end. I am sorry you going though this too. :(

And I'm sorry I haven't called you. I got my answering machine working again and found two messages from you about cookies!

The cookies are wonderful, by the way. My house elves are enjoying them immensely. And with me moving this coming month it's great having cookies as a reward. :)

I wish I had realized sooner that my answering machine stopped working. I have been so zonked out I didn't even notice that I stopped getting messages. :(
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leftyclimber Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:46 PM
Response to Original message
13. It's not your fault, Kitchy.
Sometimes friendships don't work out. Sometimes they do. But sometimes they are not meant to be.

Would you feel a little better if you sent a kind note to this person's family or SO? Just a thought...

:hug:
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Jamastiene Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:54 PM
Response to Original message
14. If it is any consolation, I have lost friends
that I was close to and had NOT had any falling out with. Even just not saying any kind of decent goodbye the last time you saw each other, because you thought you'd see each other again, can leave you with an open, incomplete, empty feeling. It is harrowing. :hug:

Then, Sometimes, you just lose touch with people or a few weeks or a couple months and then next thing you know, they are gone. There is nothing you can do about that.

I'm so sorry you lost your friend. Please don't beat yourself up though. We have no way of knowing who is going when. :hug:
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GoddessOfGuinness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 09:57 PM
Response to Original message
15. ...
:hug::hug::hug:
Don't beat yourself up over this. Remember that it takes two to patch things up. I imagine your friend is sorry about it as well.
:hug::hug::hug:
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Haole Girl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 10:02 PM
Response to Original message
16. I'm so sorry about your friend, KW
please don't be hard on yourself.

:hug:
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Odin2005 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 10:04 PM
Response to Original message
17. Oh no!
I'm so sorry. :hug:
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BlueIris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-25-09 10:15 PM
Response to Original message
18. Oh, KW.
I really doubt there was anything you could have done.
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Gormy Cuss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-26-09 09:11 AM
Response to Original message
20. Good advice.
It's hard to realize how important it is until one experiences such a loss. Please stop beating yourself up over it. You have already begun honoring her and your friendship by posting this.
:hug:
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KurtNYC Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-26-09 09:23 AM
Response to Original message
21. I think you may be having 2 kinds of grief right now
and my heart goes out to you.

In my experience, I grieve not only the loss of the person but also the death of the dreams I had for what we do together in the future. Anger is part of that second one. Please try not to be hard on yourself.

:hug:
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