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"...it goes into reverse. When I change the radio station, the headlights blink and when I honk the horn, it accelerates. That's what happened at the 'tea party'." Enid's testimony was emotional and desperate. On trial for attempting to murder a group of demonstrators, she laid the blame fully on the repair work performed by a certain Mr. Sam Pleisticine, owner of "Slipshod Sam's Garage" in Newton.
"Yer 'onnuh, duh name of my etablishment shoulda been warning enough, yer 'onnuh," Pleisticine had testified.
Enid's testimony continued, "I had no desire to murder any of the demonstrators because I was actually supportive of them, their cause, and their ideals." She was nearly crying at this point. "I approached the square attempting to honk my horn in solidarity. I had no idea that would cause my car to barrel into the crowd."
The DA was contemplating his strategy. He felt he could break her assertion with one well-chosen and smarmily delivered question. "Ms. Echidna," he said, and with the sound of that name in the air, he recalled an event last year involving the Naval Air Station somewhere in New Jersey. Her sister, he wondered? "You claim to be in solidarity with the protesters. So tell me and the court, what exactly were they protesting?"
Enid responded readily, "They were protesting our higher taxes for the wealthy and the president's birth certificate and I am against both as well."
The DA smiled and called one of the protesters to the stand. "Please give your name and the name of the organization for the record," he said.
"My name is Tucker Alewife and my organization is the Newton chapter of the '2M4M Teabagging Fist-Uppers'."
"Mr. Alewife, does Ms. Echidna appear to accurately present your ideals."
"She sure do," he replied. "But she left out gay marriage. We're against that too."
The DA was seeing his case crumble and decided to reveal a surprise witness. "I would like to call to the stand, your honor, an eyewitness to the events on the morning of April 15... Mr. Jerry Lewis."
The courtroom bustled with chatter as the renowned comedian, filmmaker and philanthopist approached the witness chair. He stumbled and fell at one point for comedic effect.
"Mr. Lewis, could you relate for the court what happened on the morning of April 15th?"
"Yes, Mr. nice DA lawyer sir."
"Um, could you do that right now?"
"Why sure. You see what I did there. You asked me if I could and I just answered yes but you really wanted me to to tell the whole story. That's 'umor. Heh heh.
"So I was leaving my hotel and walking to the theatre when I saw this crowd of people carrying signs that said 'Make English the Offical Language' and 'Get a Brain, Morans'. I thought they were my fan club." He paused for a rimshot that never occurred but somebody in the jury coughed and that seemed sufficient for him to continue.
"So I see this nice layyyyy-deeeeeee with the SUV and the ribbon magnets and the honking and the screaming and the running and the..."
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