What is the funniest thing you've ever overheard?

[Bertha Venation]

This isn't really funny, but this morning, in traffic, I heard this coming out of another car:

"I KNOW how to be a woman! You need to learn how to be a man!" (In this car a young child - three? four years old? - was sitting on the floor in the back. I could just see his head.)

Okay. Back to my topic: what's the funniest thing you've ever overheard?

[Heidi]

1. I overheard a person try to order mushroom ice cream at Braum's.

And no, I didn't misunderstand. The counter person's :wtf: expression was coupled with a very courteous, "We don't have mushroom ice cream, sir." :rofl:

[datasuspect]

2. "my name is Steve, but all my friends call me Turbo"

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. If it wasn't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college.

:rofl:

I didn't overhear that one, though, of course. But it's a classic!

[fizzgig]

13. that was the first thing i thought of

:rofl:

[baldguy]

19. Don't think about that too long

Or else blood will spurt out your nose.

:rofl:

[Richardo]

4. Something you'd only hear in Louisiana:

One restaurant employee talking to another about some gossip: "The plot thickens... when you add a little roux."

[Bertha Venation]

5. LOL Love it!

:7

[Rambis]

6. "So I told them I bent over to pick up a quarter and

the bus backed into me and the tailpipe"..... Put the cell phone down!

[lazyriver]

7. At a Rainbow Gathering in Wyoming in 1994 just after waking up

and crawling out of my tent I heard this exchange from a makeshift tarp tee pee about 40 feet away. A rather loud romantic encounter was obviously taking place in the tee pee and a female voice said, "I probably should have told you sooner, but I think I have crabs". In between grunts, the male voice answers, "No problem. I know I've got 'em". And the grunting continued.

[Lex]

8. I overheard one African American woman call another a "fake ass hair bitch."

It took me a few minutes to untangle the modifiers, but then I was satisfied that the other woman didn't have a fake ass, but perhaps had fake ass hair, and also the woman was a bitch.

[MadMaddie]

40. Ha..ha..ha...that's funny!!!

:rofl:

[jobycom]

9. In a record store: "Did you know Robert Plant used to be in a band?"

Okay, I made that up. It's an old routine about Paul McCartney.

[MrCoffee]

10. The Mullet King, talking to his friend in the grocery store parking lot

"I got the kind with the lock on it (pointing to the camper top on his pickup) because if it's locked, the cops can't look in it."


:thumbsup:

[bif]

11. Before the movie "Amadeus"

I overheard two teenage girls:
Girl #1: I don't even know who this Amadeus guys is!
Girl # 2: Isn't the the guy who cut off his ear?

And in a toy department around Christmas: That's a nice ass dollhouse!

[applegrove]

12. A friend of my fathers was in line at the mall. In front of him was a woman and her little 4 year

old daughter. In front of them was a very large woman. The large woman's beeper went off. The little girl screamed "Watch out, she's backing up". LOL!Being a large woman I find this one very funny.

[driver8]

14. Ha Ha -- that is one of the funniest things I have ever heard!! n/t

[MrScorpio]

15. Amsterdam, The Netherlands, The Red Light District, Summer 1998, 11:35PM

A woman's voice with a Distinctly American accent:

"Oh, you know you love it when I stick my finger in your ass."

When I turned around, they were gone.

[mzteris]

16. overheard on a scanner

of my then BIL's in Buffalo back in the early 90's:

You get the beer, I'll bring the diapers and the football helmet!

:wtf:

[madeline_con]

28. LOL! Hey, Teri

long time no "see". :hi:

[RoyGBiv]

17. Grocery store checkout ...

... at the counter where you can buy lottery tickets.

Little boy, about 7 or 8, mom and dad.

Boy: Can we get a ticket?
Mom: No.
Boy: Why?
Mom: The lottery is for people who are bad at math, and I know you're good at math.

Little boy turns to his dad.

Boy: Dad, you're bad at math. Will you buy a ticket?

[ThomCat]

22. That's wonderful!

I've often said that the lotto is a tax on people who suck at math. :P

[Bertha Venation]

48. I call it the Idiot Tax

And because I have dreams, I pay it sometimes. :shrug:

[driver8]

59. Ha ha -- love it!! n/t

[bluesbassman]

18. At a restaurant: "Hey, what's that on your plate"

Pointing: "Oh, that's something, and that's something else".

Uh, no kidding?:crazy:

[Xipe Totec]

20. Linux is a version of Cygwin for non-Windows machines

one business suit educating another.

[RoyGBiv]

21. I remember you mentioning that ...

After a facepalm and laughing uncontrollably for awhile, I had to spread that around to the tech people around here.

There was a lot of blinking and gaping jaws ... :)

[Xipe Totec]

23. You can't make that stuff up

:rofl:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

24. funny site..

http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

[csziggy]

39. Oh, Thank you for reminding me of that site!

Best one I found there today:

And Why Are You Wearing That Silly Human Suit?
Suit to man with cat on his head: Why is there a cat on your head?
Man with cat on his head: Why isn't there a cat on your head, douchebag?

--Union Square
via Overheard in New York, Apr 28, 2009

[suninvited]

54. that site has some hilarious stuff

but this one really cracked me up ...

Lady in office: That's odd...I just got a voice mail from a baby!
Man: When did that happen?
Lady in office: 11 pm last night...what was a baby even doing up at that hour?

[bluedigger]

25. I got a couple...

In line for a beer at the bar, two young ladies in front of me talking about one's new boyfriend: "Well, he lives in a trailer, but he has a job. With benefits!"

At another bar with two coworkers, one turns to the other and out of the blue: "So how's it feel, to be in the twilight of a mediocre career?"

[livetohike]

26. Years ago, while sitting outside of work during lunch break

I overheard a man and woman arranging to meet for sex. They were talking in Slovak (presumably because they thought no one would understand them). Both my parents are of Slovak heritage and I understood everything this couple said :-).

[justabob]

27. "I am just irritated when I am awake"

Overheard at work. :)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. When I was in graduate school, most of the grad students and profs

ate lunch in a huge cafeteria-style dining hall.

One day around January or February, I overheard a nerdy-sounding voice at the next table say, "Yes, I try to jog year-round, but in weather like this, the tip of my penis gets cold."

Immediately, I saw two of the students get up and flee to a corner of the dining hall, where they were doubled up with laughter.

Then I heard another professor, sounding equally nerdy, ask, "Have you thought of wearing a sock over it?"

[jmm]

30. About five years ago around Christmas time

I was in a music store when I overheard a woman asking the employees for advice. After going on about how the kids these days need more wholesome influences she told them she wanted to buy a CD for her 14 yr old grand daughter by some sweet young man she heard on the radio that she just knew even hip kids could relate to. The employees asked her for details about the singer. She didn't know his name, the song, or what station she heard it on. All she really knew was she heard it while in the car and he said baby. I literally sat on a floor laughing while they tried to politely help help her.

Another classic would be this past weekend when I went to get some take out and heard a woman ask what's the difference between fried and grilled chicken. After I started laughing some of the employees saw me. It was obvious they wanted to laugh too so I tried to hold my laughter back since I didn't want them to get in trouble.

Then there was the time I went to a 24 hr bakery with some friends early one morning (we all worked third shift then and this was after work) and we overheard a drunk man ask for food. The man behind asked what he'd like but the guy kept saying he had money and wanted food.

I'm starting to think I'm a magnet for idiots.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

33. I used to be a volunteer receptionist for a classical radio station

and I fielded some strange phone calls. By far the strangest was this one:

A woman called and complained that although the program guide had said that the Milwaukee Symphony broadcast was going to play XYZ (I forget which piece), it had actually played ABC (another piece whose name I've forgotten.) I explained that the station had no control over what the Milwaukee Symphony played or recorded and that the producer received the tapes of each concert by FedEx on the morning of the broadcast.

After a brief pause she asked, "How soon do they know what's really going to be on the broadcast?"

"By noon or so on the same day."

"Well next time there's a change in the program you should PHONE everybody!" Then she SLAMMED the phone down.

[jmm]

35. That reminds me of when I was an operator

for a cab company. One day a woman calls and says she needs a cab to pick her up in Cambridge. I let her know the wait shouldn't be too long and ask where she is. She replies in front of a bank. I asked where exactly she was and she got upset and complained that she already told me she was in front a bank. I calmly let her know that I need specific address such as a street name and number. I suggested she walk to the nearest street sign and tell me the number on the nearest building. After complaining that she already told me she was near a bank I let her know we would need something more specific or we couldn't send a cab to her. She then tells me she's wearing a blue coat. I gave up, told her the cab was on it's way, and hung up.

The dispatcher and I had fun talking about how the drivers would love us if we tried to send any of them to pick her up.

[The Magistrate]

31. Many Years Ago, Ma'am, Heading Out Late For Cigarettes, Saw A Police Car At The End Of The Block

There comes suddenly a bellow from the officer, dripping in disgust and anger "What I've got here is two assholes and one baseball bat! Now you, get back inside, and you, get the fuck outta here!"

It was a sort of 'station adjustment' done at curbside. From the chatter of the two miscreants involved as they moved to obey, it seems one had shown up at the other's door to collect monies owed (for what remained unclear, as did who had produced the bat), and matters had deteriorated swiftly, as they will at two in the morning of a Friday night. The policeman drove off quickly, the bat remained unclaimed in the street. My guess is that the officer simply did not want to bother with filling out the arrest forms, there seemed no doubt neither party involved was up to the slightest good....

[Bertha Venation]

50. I wish I could reply to everyone, but you get a reply because

I like your style. And you called me ma'am. :)

[The Magistrate]

53. Much Appreciated, Ma'am

It was a busy neighborhood, very interesting to live in....

[Contrary1]

32. Just last weekend,

my friend brought her 3 year old grandson over for a visit. When getting ready to go, he balked at putting the seatbelt on. My friend told him it was the law. "What's a law?" She told him that it was a rule, and if he did not follow it, the police could put her in handcuffs and take her to jail.

No argument as he snapped his seatbelt on. She went on to tell him how it was for protection, in case there was an accident, etc...

This little one held his hand up and said "That's enough, I just need the basics".

[Lydia Leftcoast]

38. I was once at dinner with some friends, and one couple had brought their 4-year-old

We were discussing a certain scholarly book, and someone remarked, "It certainly isn't for beginners!"

"Is it for enders?" the little boy asked.

[MadMaddie]

34. I was changing flights in MN and I was riding the

escalator. There were two young women who recently graduated Highschool ahead of me, Here is the conversation.

Girl 1 - I am so excited that we are going to Hawaii..
Girl 2 - Do you think they take American Money in Hawaii?....

:crazy: :spray:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

37. Apparently Islanders hear that kind of thing a lot

My students from Hawaii used to complain that Mainlanders would ask them if this was their first trip to "the States."

[jmm]

42. I have a friend who works for a hotel chain and

frequently has to tell people that Alaska, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico are part of the US and they don't need a passport to travel to any of them.

[MadMaddie]

43. It's really amazing isn't it?

[Patiod]

69. Which reminds me of a conversation I've often cited:

Me, calling into Encyclopedia Brittanica, asking for some materials to be sent to the Dover Mall in Dover, Delaware, back in the day when FedEx didn't deliver everywhere.

Me: I need them sent to Dover, DE
EB: I don't think Fed Ex delivers to Dover
Me: I'm sure they do - it's the state capital
EB: Of what state?
Me: Delaware
EB: What state is Delaware in?

[Broken_Hero]

44. That happened to me, numerous

times, and I'm from Alaska. I use to work at one of the Tourist Traps, and I'd get asked "Do you accept American money" line at least 4-8 times a day...I'd just stand there, smile, and say "Of course we do"....

Another side note, one of my wife's coworkers asked if she/I were going to get our passports(side note, we were going to AK for xmas), for our trip.....

[petronius]

64. I recently heard of a student at our school who thought AK was an island,

because she knew HI was an island (smart girl, right?), and both states are often shown as insets on maps...

[Lydia Leftcoast]

36. Remember the renowned New Yorker cover about a New Yorker's view of the U.S.?

Well, it's true.

When I was a student at Cornell, I met a guy from New York City who asked me out for lunch the next day.

As we were settling into our meal, he asked, by way of conversation, "So, does Minnesota have a seacoast?"

[AllenVanAllen]

41. I was in a bookstore

and on the next isle over I could hear a father and his son talking. I'm guessing the kid was 5 or 6. I couldn't hear what they were saying very clearly until the father said "OK lets go! Chop! Chop!" Then son asks "What does that mean?" The father responds, "It means hurry up, get a move on." As they are walking away from me I hear the son yell out excitedly "Chop! Chop!
Chop it off Chop! Chop! Chop it off!"

I couldn't tell what the father bent down and told his son, but I'm glad he said it!

[nomorenomore08]

45. Something to do with the undesirability of performing cunnilingus while tripping on magic mushrooms.

:rofl:

Oh, and on this very same bus ride some guy, whose voice distinctly reminded me of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man," was telling the driver how squirrels supposedly love pecans: "My grandmother lives in Georgia, and she says she can't keep 'em away from her pecan trees!"

[FloridaJudy]

46. Overheard yesterday on the bus

"They shouldn't be training those girls to fly all over with those bombs. What if one of them was nucular?" (sic)

Like that's okay if guys do it?

[Lasher]

47. "What is this, Dumbass Day?"

Years ago my father had hired a man to clear brush from a section of his property. My wife and I overheard the man saying this to his teenage sons, who he had brought along to help. Apparently he was admonishing them for poor performance in the endeavor.

The whole thing was actually like a 3 stooges episode. We got out our lawn chairs and watched from a distance. Lotsa yuks, but Dumbass Day is the one we never forgot.

[Soylent Brice]

49. sounds like Lewis Black's "if it weren't for my horse"

[Mad_Dem_X]

51. In a diner in Key Largo:

"I hate baseball almost as much as small children."

[meegbear]

52. "There's not a decent place in Greece to get your nails done" ...

said by a "Jewish Princess", overhead by me and my roommate on a commuter train heading into town to see Pink Floyd. We burst out laughing (and we weren't even high (yet)).

[Iggo]

55. Back when I was in college.

We were in class and the physics prof was going over our previous evening's homework assignment.

On a certain problem, he showed what the answer was supposed to be and how he came about getting that answer.

From the guy in the middle of the front row came this one, and I still use it today when I need a laugh: "Professor Gandhi? I did it different and got a different answer!"

[Sequoia]

56. At a restuarant during breakfast

The waitress was taking orders from a mother and two of her children. Got to the boy who was around 9 years old. "I want burnt toast. I like burnt toast !"

[LaurenG]

57. Well not the funniest but my mother who is nearly 86 just told me

that she thought; "that guy who always sings in Vegas should retire" - "you know who I mean that guy who sings, Fig Newton," "You mean Wayne Newton, mom? - Yes, him."


Alrighty then... :rofl:

[driver8]

58. At a Mets' game when I was in college...

These guys were sitting behind my friend and I and started talking about the problem with the Mets.

1st guy: "You know what they should do with the Mets? During Spring Training, they should put them someplace where there are no women and no booze!"

2nd guy: "No booze??! Not even beer?!"

1st guy: "Ok, they can drink beer...but no booze and no women!"

[Arugula Latte]

60. Once my husband overheard a man shout into a pay phone: "I did NOT call you a crackhead ho!"

[rucky]

61. Two plumbers in my home:

Plumber 1: Germs, man. They're everywhere. There are some places you should just not eat.

Plumber 2: Like where?

Plumber 1: Well... (thinks for a second) There's Fatburger.

That was the whole conversation.

[wickerwoman]

62. "This is our fucking corner"

from two six year old Irish traveler girls with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths holding recorders and pushing along a teenaged boy busking with a guitar on a street corner in Dublin.

Runner up would be:
Walking with my brother in the Cotswolds we were right behind two incredibly upper class women walking their Scottish terriers when a poorer looking woman came the opposite way with her huge black lab and baby carriage. The poorer woman's lab wouldn't come when she called it and kept sniffing at the richer woman and barking at the scotties. Finally the poorer woman dragged her dog away and continued in the opposite direction. My brother and I were still behind the rich woman and as we turned the corner we could hear one of them say in the poshest Lady Di accent imaginable: "Stupid fucking woman!"

[Rising Phoenix]

63. back when cordless phones picked up any conversation.....

"I am in love with him" says girl 1
"so" girl 2 says

"But he's a priest" returns girl 1

I don't remember all of the conversation, but this young woman was def having sex with a priest.

[graywarrior]

65. At an AA meeting: I live in a dysfunctional home. I live alone.

[bbernardini]

66. "Christ, I wish I had an oven big enough to roast an ox in."

Overheard at a bar one day. I probably have others written down, but I can't access them at the moment.

[Hobarticus]

67. Two twenty-something guys in front of me at Wrigley Field:

"Let's get out of here."

"First, I want to get one of those cute Cubbie troll dolls for my girlfriend."

(long pause, incredulous stare)

"Are you high?"

Like a Seth Rogan movie come to life...

[Jean Louise Finch]

68. In the bleachers at Fenway park

Some goofball a few rows down answered their cell phone and started blabbering away at top volume.

Some proper Sox fan nearby said "Is that a CELL PHONE? There are no CELL PHONES in BASEBALL!"

(said a la Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own. It was hilarious. The whole section cracked up.)