If you're Irish, don't be mad at me...it's only a joke

[graywarrior]

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in .

[HopeHoops]

1. I saw that coming six pubs away!

:rofl: :applause: :headbang: :beer: :beer: :beer: :beer: :wow:

[evlbstrd]

2. It's Jameson.

:mad:

[Forkboy]

3. O'Malley worked in a beer factory...

One day he fell into one of the vats and drowned. The manager called his wife to inform her of the tragedy.

"I don't understand it," she wailed. "He was a great swimmer. I don't how he couldn't have saved himself."

"Well, it's not like he didn't have the chance," the plant manager replied. "He got out three times to take a piss."

[graywarrior]

4. LOL!!!!!

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.

An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

[DS1]

6. ahahaha

[gmoney]

13. "I yelled fire when I fell into the chocolate..."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDonSwXPUZU

[graywarrior]

5. What the hell...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their children.

'My son was born on St George's Day, 'remarked the Englishman, 'So we obviously decided to call him George.'

'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Frenchman, 'My daughter was born on Valentine's Day, so we decided to call her Valentine.'

'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Irishman, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'

[redqueen]

8. There is Pancake Day there. (Shrove Tuesday)

Their pancakes are sweet, for dessert.

I have yet to make them and try them but I will...

[graywarrior]

9. I'm dying for a pancake

Or an onion/mustard sandwich on rye.

[redqueen]

10. I'm dying for a snog.

:P

[graywarrior]

11. OK

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"

[graywarrior]

7. Bwahahahahahaha!

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[graywarrior]

12. How can you identify an Irish pirate?

He's the one with patches over both eyes.


:rofl: :rofl:

[redqueen]

14. I wonder what other races / nationalities

for which one could get away with this.

[no name no slogan]

15. We need a Scottish joke to clear the air

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a London pub. All three order a pint of bitter. The barman sets the three pints in front of each man. At exactly the same time, three flies fly into each one of the pints.

The Englishman calls over the bar man, complaining about the fly in his pint. The barman replaces it with a fresh one.

The Irishman reaches into his glass and picks out the fly. He mutters something about bloody Englishman and horrible London pubs, and drinks his pint.

The Scotsman reaches into his pint, picks up the fly by both wings, and shakes it violently, yelling "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT! SPIT! IT! OUT!"










(based on a true story)